Chapter 36

 

 

 

 

 

Gia

 

This is the second Christmas since my father died and to be honest, it doesn’t feel any easier than the first one. It might actually be worse because this year, I’m alone. My mother is on a cruise with her man friend, George, and sure, I could’ve gone up to Boston to be with my aunts and uncles and cousins, but it’s not the same.

Christmas will never be the same as it was.

It’s the ripple effect. One small stone in a pond eventually causes a tsunami.

But I’m making the most of it, even if I am by myself. Monique is with Mike and his family and Chloe is with her parents in Brooklyn and I’m here, picking at the manicotti I made, drinking expensive wine and watching A Christmas Story for the millionth time.

It’s a pity party, if ever there was one.

After I spoke to Mike on the deck last night, I left the party. I just couldn’t be there when I had so much on my mind. On my ride home, I decided I need to just let it all go. I don’t know what I was expecting him to say to me. It’s not like he was going to tell me something and then I would suddenly fall out of love with Finn.

It’s going to take time.

Bumping into him and having him bring me coffee isn’t going to help that.

I considered switching hospitals, but I love my job and where I work so that’s not going to happen. Honestly, I think I need to have a conversation with him. Tell him he needs to back off and leave me alone. It’s the only way I’ll be able to move on with my life. I manage when I don’t see him. I get through my days and even my quiet nights, but every time he interferes with that, it sets me back.

Lifting my glass of red wine to my lips, I startle at the sound of my phone pinging with a text, nearly dropping the glass and spilling the expensive wine all over myself. Instead of all that drama, a few drops escape hitting the floor. Rolling my eyes at myself, I pick up my phone and grin when I see the text from Chloe.

Chloe: What are you doing? Stop drinking wine and watching A Christmas Story in your pajamas. It’s pathetic. Get dressed in something warm, brush your hair and put on some makeup. We’re going out.

I can’t stop the bubble of laughter as it climbs its way out of my chest. God, am I that freaking predictable?

Me: I thought you were at your parents?

Chloe: Such drama. I can’t take it anymore. Seriously. I want to go to the winter village at Bryant Park. Meet me there in twenty.

Even though I’m beyond tempted to just stay in and sulk in my pajamas with my wine, I text her back telling her that I’ll meet her in thirty. Twenty minutes just isn’t possible. I need a shower. I look like Night of the Living Dead right now.

My hair is piled on top of my head in a messy bun of sorts and even though I washed my face last night, I’m sure I still have some remnants of my makeup under my eyes. I’m wearing an old worn t-shirt and yoga pants and a sports bra. I get a smiley emoji and as I step into my hot steamy shower, I realize I’m smiling too. This is exactly what I needed.

Finding an Uber on Christmas is a lot easier than anticipated and in under thirty minutes, I’m strolling through the park, admiring the soft glow of the holiday shops as they light up the night. The Christmas tree which separates the shopping area from the ice-skating rink is huge and beautiful with multicolored lights and a giant sparkling star at the top.

I can’t find Chloe anywhere even though it’s not all that crowded so I dig my phone out of my purse and call her. “Where are you?” she asks without so much as a hello.

“I’m near the tree,” I say glancing around like she’s going to materialize at any moment. “Where are you?”

“I got held up, but I’m on my way. Go rent yourself some skates and I’ll be there in ten.”

“Skates?” I half laugh, half shriek the word.

“Yes, Gia. Ice skates. I want to go ice-skating.”

That reminds me of the day after Thanksgiving when I suggested the same thing to Finn. Not the fondest of memories. “I don’t know how to skate, Chloe. I will bust my ass all over the place. Can’t we just grab some fattening dessert and shop around?”

Chloe sighs into the phone like I’m messing up all her plans. “No. We cannot. I’ve been dying to go all season and today is the perfect day for it. Just humor me this once and after, I’ll make sure you get your dessert.”

“Fine,” I huff. “But you have to hold my hand and when I fall, you’re not allowed to laugh.”

“Promise. I’ll be there soon. Go grab some skates. I brought my own pair so I’m all set.” I get the hang-up beeps and I can’t suppress my eye roll at my friend. Of course, she has her own goddamn skates and I’m forced to rent. And fall. Because that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Tomorrow I’ll be nursing a bruised ass, but what the hell. I’m here.

And when in New York…

Making my way around the perimeter of the rink, I find the skate rental area and get in line. This is going to take hours and suddenly I’m wishing I had just stayed home. But the line progresses faster than I anticipate and before long, I’m renting skates and tying them on. Chloe is still not here and she doesn’t pick up her phone when I call her, but at this point, I don’t have a choice but to get on the ice and try and skate and hope she shows up soon.

The moment I step onto the ice, my feet slip out from beneath me and I begin to fall backwards. Probably because you’re not supposed to step onto ice, you’re supposed to glide.

A small startled yelp escapes my lips, just as someone catches me from behind, wrapping their arms around me and pulling my back snugly against their chest before righting me just as quickly. And when I turn to see who my savior is, I gasp instead of yelping again. “Just in time,” Finn says with a warm smile, his bright-blue eyes sparkling against the bright white of the ice.

His hand reaches up to brush a few strands of hair from my face, tucking them securely behind my ear. I don’t know what to say. What to think. I’m so confused. People are whizzing past us, skating and laughing and I’m stuck between Finn’s arms and running–or skating–the hell out of here. “What are you doing here?”

“Ice-skating,” he says with a smirk. “This was your idea, remember? We’ll fall together, you had said.” His expression grows genuine and my stomach flips, doing summersaults around and around.

“Did you follow me here?” I accuse.

Finn chuckles, shaking his head. “No,” he says, gliding into me, crowding me until I have to crane my neck to see him. And when I do, I begin to slide back again. My footing on this ice is anything but steady. Finn reaches out, grasping onto my biceps to stop the motion, holding me against him. “I enlisted the help of your friends to get you out of your apartment and to meet me here.”

“You what?” I squeal. “That’s impossible. Chloe wouldn’t–”

“I knew you would never agree to meet me if I asked you to,” he interrupts. “So I got Chloe’s number from Monique who was only too happy to oblige me. Chloe was a different matter. I had to beg her for assistance in this little subterfuge.”

None of this makes any sense to me. “Why, Finn? What are you after now?”

He grins, his eyes growing soft and warm. He cups my face with one of his cool hands and says, “You, Gia. I’m after you.”

Tears threaten to fall, stinging the backs of my eyes and I push his hand away. “I can’t do this with you anymore, Finn. You can’t buy me coffee or hot chocolate. You can’t invade my space or touch me. You can’t buy me presents. I need you to leave me alone. For good this time.”

He shakes his head, refusing to budge or pull away from me, his expression growing demanding. I look away, out into the field of skaters dancing across the frozen surface. I can’t take this anymore. It just hurts too damn much. He may say he’s after me, but it won’t last. He’ll tell me all the things I need to hear and then in the next breath, he’ll tell me we can’t be together.

“I can’t do that, Gia. I love you and I need you.” A hiccupped sob burns its way past my lips and he slides me back into his arms. “I want to tell you I’m sorry,” he says, lifting my chin until my eyes meet his once again. “But in my experience, the words mean nothing. There’s no responsibility or commitment behind them. It certainly doesn’t erase the pain and distrust I’ve caused.”

Suddenly, Finn slides back, giving me the space I need to breathe. The space I need to think. He’s breathing so hard, it’s audible. His chest rising and falling, his breaths fogging out into the frigid night as white plumes of vapor. I can practically hear his heart pounding. Mine is just as loud.

“This is so hard for me,” he continues, his voice tremulous. “Practically impossible. But you’re worth it, Gia. Everything I’m terrified of seems to disintegrate when I look at you. I’m ready to do this with you, if you’ll still have me. It won’t be easy. I’ve got some serious issues I need to work on. I’m about as fucked up as it gets when it comes to this sort of thing. But I’m ready to give you everything. My past, maybe not all of it right now, but I will eventually. My present and hopefully, if you’ll take it, my future.”

I shake my head, unable to make sense of any of this. Helpless tears fall down my face, that I instantly reach up to wipe away. I don’t want to be helpless right now. I don’t want to be the puppy who continues to seek out love and affection only to be repeatedly smacked over the nose for it. Instinctively I step back, needing more distance from him, but my feet begin to drift out from under me again, because we’re still wearing fucking ice skates standing on a sheet of frozen water. Finn laughs a little as he too begins to sway.

“Maybe the ice-skating wasn’t such a brilliant idea. I was trying for romantic. Trying to get you to fall with me.” He lowers himself to his knees, reaching for me and pulling my body into his. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he holds me against his warm body so there is nowhere I can go. “I’ve messed this all up with you a million times over and in a million different ways. I know you don’t trust what I’m telling you is for real this time. But I’ll make it up to you, Gia. I’ll be everything you deserve. Just say you’ll give us a chance. Please,” he smiles reverently up at me, squeezing me just a bit tighter.

I shake my head, staring straight into his blue eyes. God, those eyes. How many different ways have they both excited and haunted me? “You’ve really fucked with my head.”

“I know, and I’m so goddamn sorry for that. But my world doesn’t revolve around the sun unless you’re in it. Without you, all I see is darkness. I’m literally on my knees–that are incidentally freezing cold and soaking wet–begging you. Be mine, Gia Bianchi. Because I don’t think I can live without you anymore.”

I sigh, my hand coming up to run along the bristles of his stubbled cheek. Finn leans into my touch, his eyes closing against the sensation before he opens them again, pinning me with an unwavering steadiness. How could I say no him? I don’t even want to try.

“Evidently, I’m a glutton for punishment, because I still love you despite my best efforts and better judgment. So yes, Finn. I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine. But if you fuck this up again, I’ll kill you and make it look like an accident.”

The most brilliant smile lights up his face and in the next second, his mouth is on mine. His lips forceful and dominant, his tongue commanding as he absorbs every breath and gasp and moan and sigh from me.

“Oh my god,” a woman squeals with such a piercing shrill that we can’t help but pull away and look over at the elderly woman holding what I assume is her husband’s hand. “Danny, I think they just got engaged. How romantic,” she simpers. “It reminds me of when you proposed to me under the tree at Rockefeller Center.”

I peer up at Finn who is now standing and smiling, laughing despite myself. “Don’t get any ideas, Dr. Banner,” I warn.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Miss Bianchi,” he says and then winks. “But I think we need to get out of here before we actually do fall and break something.”

I nod in agreement. I’ve had just about all the ice-skating I can take.