I was lying in bed awake, slowly easing into my Monday when the phone rang and startled me.

“Fuck, who the hell is calling this early?”

I rolled over and answered the phone.

“Anth,” Colin’s voice came through the receiver.

I sat up because I could tell by his voice that something was wrong.

“Yeah?”

“Sam Bishop is dead.”

My heart slammed against my chest. Sam Bishop was one of the guys in the legal department, and he was one of Colin’s first employees.

“What? How…what happened?”

“His wife called me about an hour ago. She said he killed himself last night.”

“Fuck.”

I didn’t know what to say to him. I was just as lost as he was.

“I’m not going to make it in today, Anth.”

I nodded and forced words out of my mouth.

“Ok, don’t worry. I’ll be in the office.”

“You don’t have to, Anth. I’m going to send an email, notifying our employees. I’ll call you later.”

He didn’t wait for me to say anything additional and hung up. I leaned forward and rested my forearms on my legs and quickly got lost in a memory of how close I came at one point to taking my own life. I was fifteen…

I was at the end of my rope and couldn’t stand facing another day. As I was getting older, Bruce and Connor were getting rougher with me. New bruises were piled on top of fading bruises, and abrasions left from the belt made walking and sitting difficult. I was also passing out almost weekly. I was getting so run down and hungry. In a lot of cases, I didn’t have the energy to fight back much, or when I did I couldn’t maintain the fight.

I couldn’t live like this anymore. And really, I wasn’t even living. I was just barely existing.

I woke up cold, naked and face down, with that vile taste in my mouth and the corners of my mouth crusted and dried. It was starting to get light out, but my room was being lit up by a thunderstorm that raged on outside. I ached, like usual, but knew I’d feel better if I got up and went to the bathroom to assess the damage from Bruce and Connor. Saturday nights were usually the worst.

I started to sit up and felt pain like I’ve never felt before in my lower stomach. Something was wrong. This wasn’t like before. I was dizzy too but concentrated on the pain in my stomach. As I rolled over, I felt like I was lying on something. When I moved again, it felt worse.

Confused, I reached back and felt something; something lodged in me. With shaking fingers, I traced the object. Glass? It was hard, and I felt the tiny ridges that were often on the bottoms of bottles. My head was so foggy that I struggled to comprehend what it was. And I was scared of what it was. I gripped the round base of the object and pulled carefully. The pain caused me to bite down on the inside of my jaw to prevent actual sounds from escaping my mouth. Pushing through the pain I, kept pulling until a beer bottle landed on my bed.

I held my stomach and shoved myself away from the bottle and leaned against the wall that my bed sat against on one side. In disbelief, I stared at the bottle. There was blood on the neck of it, which was now on my sheets.

I tried thinking back to last night…trying to recall what happened.

My mind was blank. I couldn’t think. I was afraid to move much because everything hurt. Carefully, I leaned my head back against the wall and held my stomach. I was breathing hard, and tears were forming in my eyes. Soon, I couldn’t see without having to wipe them away.

I scooted to the edge of my bed. I needed the bathroom. I found some boxers, and as I pulled them on, I glanced at my bed. There was a bloody streak on the sheets where I just moved across.

I was bleeding.

I was angry.

I was scared.

I quietly went to the bathroom, closed and locked the door and looked at myself. I took inventory, and aside from the beer bottle incident, I seemed to come away with a few more bruises on my chest and a new burn on my stomach. Fucking assholes.

I pounded my fist on the counter in anger. I couldn’t live like this anymore.

I turned the shower on the cold setting and braced my palms on the tiled shower wall. The icy water ran down my back, and I watched the water color turn red as it swirled down the drain.

Done. I told myself that I’m done with it all. My life fucking sucks and I’m not hanging around for this to happen again. I slammed the faucet off and partially dried off. It didn’t matter. I pulled on the boxers and went back to my room.

Seeing the bottle and my blood angered me further. I’m done. I had nothing to live for. Nothing in front of me. I just wanted to stop everything. I swallowed hard and looked around my room. I had a bed, a folding chair and an old table for a desk. Nothing but dings on my walls. No posters of TV shows, movies or sports figures. I had nothing. My life, was nothing. I was nothing.

No one would even know that I was gone. Except for my teachers. They’d know I wasn’t there when they took attendance on Monday. But no suspicion would be raised for a few days. Bruce and Connor could go fuck themselves. I wouldn’t take it anymore.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and an undershirt, then pulled on my shoes without socks. Seemed like good enough clothes to die in. I stormed out of my room and stood in front of the tall bookcase that was in the hallway. In plain sight was Bruce’s gun and a box of bullets. I just needed the one. I pulled the gun down, loaded it with the bullet that would make all the pain stop, and went outside to the backyard.

In the pouring rain, I walked over to the tree that I used to climb when I was little. I’d climb it to hide from them. It was the only place that kept them away from me for a short while. I don’t know if I was shaking because I was so cold or if I was scared. I knelt down by the tree and thought; do I put the gun against my forehead or the barrel in my mouth? I want it to be a sure shot and just end it.

I put my finger on the trigger and held it against the side of my head and closed my eyes. It’d all be over soon. Just pull it!

“What the fuck are you doing?” Bruce’s voice carried over the rain.

I opened my eyes, Bruce stood about ten feet in front of me in the rain. Connor stood under the covered patio with his hands on his hips.

I shook my head at him. No more.

He stepped closer, and I cocked the gun.

“Anthony.”

“Stop! Don’t come any closer to me!” I yelled.

“Are you mad over the bottle?” Bruce laughed at me. “Believe me; no one would rather have you gone, than me. Your mother wouldn’t be able to hide behind you anymore.”

“She doesn’t give a fuck about me!”

“You’re right. She doesn’t. She uses you.” Bruce shrugged and walked closer. “She’s a selfish bitch and would rather push you in front of me. And yeah, she doesn’t care about you. You are…an accident.”

"Bruce! For Christ's sake!" Connor yelled at Bruce.

My chest was heaving. Why was I listening to him?

“Pull it, Anthony! Get out of my life! Do it and rid me of your annoying existence.”

I swallowed hard. He wanted me to do it.

“Come on, Anthony. Do it.”

“Bruce!” Connor yelled.

He’d be happy if I were gone.

I lowered the gun and stood up. Bruce walked closer until he was within reach. Our eyes were fixed on one other.

“Backing down like a coward?”

I lowered my gaze to the gun, removed the bullet and threw it onto the roof of the house. I stood as tall as I could in front of Bruce.

“I’m not giving you the satisfaction.”

He reached for the empty gun as I held it out to him. Bruce grabbed it and then slapped me on the side of my head. He grabbed me by my shirt and got right in my face, and I covered my ear that he just hit.

“Don’t you EVER touch this gun again unless you’re damn sure that you’re man enough to pull the fucking trigger!”

He shoved me away from him, knocking me into the tree. Bruce towered over me before spitting on me and then turning to walk inside. As he got closer to the patio, Connor started yelling at him and gesturing over at me. I couldn’t hear what he was saying over the thunder and my stunned hearing. I rubbed at the ear Bruce hit, hating the ache that radiated through it into my jaw.

I stayed outside for what seemed like hours; just sitting against the tree. Thoughts escaped me. Nothing was going on in my head. I was shaking and had my forearms resting on top of my knees, and my head was resting on it. My eyes were closed but shot open when I heard Connor just a few feet away from me.

“Anthony.”

I looked up at him. Now what?

“You’ve been outside for three hours. You’re going to get sick out here.”

“What the hell does it matter to you?”

“Get your ass off the wet ground,” Connor said and started to pull off his belt.

I quickly stood and headed toward the house. I couldn’t take anything else right now. Under the cover of the patio, Connor tossed a dry towel at me and waited to open the door until I was somewhat dry.

When I went inside, I headed straight for my bathroom. I locked the door and stared at the blood residue that hadn’t washed all the way down the drain from earlier. Even though I hated baths and warm water, my teeth were chattering. I sat in the warm water until the chill went away and once I was sure that I was completely clean.

I pulled on some dry sweatpants and a t-shirt when I got back to my room. The bottle was still on my bed and bloody sheets. I didn’t have any energy in me to clean this up now, so I pulled my pillow off the bed and tugged on a sweatshirt before settling in on the floor.

For the next week at school, Connor had me on watch. So instead of going to my scheduled classes, I had to stay in his office and do my class work. He hardly touched me that week. Maybe he was really afraid that I’d kill myself. I wouldn’t. Bruce would be happy then…and I wasn’t going to do anything to make him happy.

I took a deep breath, ran my hand over my face and stood to stretch. I needed to get going and get to work. I pushed myself through my morning routine. I went for a quick jog and thought about Sam and tried to speculate what could have been going on in his head. Having been there before myself, I understood that it probably just wasn’t one thing, but a culmination of things.

When I got home, I quickly ate a banana while I picked out my clothes for work. I shaved, showered and slowly got dressed. I seemed to be moving at a slower pace. And my head was busy. Sam, his family, my past attempt at suicide and Colin were all on my mind.

Especially Colin. He was really upset this morning. Sam had been one of the legal guys that opened the doors of Everett Gaming with Colin. I understood the impact his death was having on Colin and why he needed some time.

I started my drive to work on autopilot.

While I knew that Colin and Sam weren’t really close, they were more than work acquaintances. I never had friends or a family until I went to live with my dad at seventeen. But when he died, I felt like my world had exploded. I barely got through that time and started to go down a really bad path. Blake stepped in and helped me. He didn’t let me fall.

I pulled into the nearest parking lot and put my truck in park.

Blake helped me. Even when I didn’t want anyone around and hated the world, Blake was there. He didn’t let me spend Thanksgiving or Christmas alone. He was there for me. And when he knew that I couldn’t or didn’t want to talk, he still stayed with me. Colin and Matt were my solid friends, and they also made sure I wasn’t alone for my birthdays and holidays. They always included me. These guys were my family now...and I wasn’t going to let Colin be alone right now.

Instead of driving to work, I drove to Colin’s and thankfully the gate attendant, Max, recognized me and let me in. I pulled into Colin’s massive driveway and made my way slowly to his door. I didn’t have anything prepared to say to him and am terrible at these things.

I rang the doorbell, and when there wasn’t an answer, I knocked loudly. Finally, Colin answered, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. He frowned when he saw me.

“Anth, what are you doing here? I thought you might be my landscaper. He’s scheduled for today.”

I laughed and looked over my shoulder at his immaculate yard.

“Not unless you want your yard destroyed. I don’t have a green thumb.”

Colin stepped away from the door to let me in, and I shut the door behind me.

“Want some coffee? Since you and I won’t be having coffee at work this morning, least I can offer you some,” Colin offered as we walked to his kitchen.

“Sure, thanks.”

I sat down at his breakfast bar while he made coffee. Sweat was forming on my head as I tried to come up with the right words.

“I was getting ready to send the email to the employees about Sam. I’m trying to word it but keep getting stuck,” Colin said as he handed me a mug and sat down beside me.

“Don’t send it, Col.”

I took a deep breath. I thought back to when my dad told me that my mom was dead. He drove all the way to my place late at night so he could be there with me when he told me.

“I was in college when my mom and stepdad died. My dad had been trying to reach me all day. He drove over to my place late at night to tell me. He could have told me over the phone, but he wanted to be with me.” I swallowed hard. I couldn’t believe I was telling him this. “Sometimes, I think it helps to have someone there when receiving this kind of news.” I swallowed again trying to restore moisture to my mouth. “This news will be shocking enough, Col. They don’t need it in an email. They need it from you. You’re their leader. You’re who they look up to. You’re the one that can unite them right now and offer some comfort.”

Remembering all of the times that my dad and Blake calmed me and infused strength into me by placing their hands on my shoulders, I reached out and put my hand on Colin’s shoulder and squeezed it a little.

“They’re going to need you today, Colin.”

“Anth, I don’t know if I am strong enough for that task.”

“Then I’ll hold you up.”

He nodded after a few minutes and took a deep breath.

“You’re right, Anth. Thank you.”

Colin and I walked into his great room and said he was going to go get dressed for work. He caught me by surprise and pulled me into a hug. Fuck. Hugs made me weak, but I hugged him back and told him to go get ready and we’d drive together today.

“Sweatpants don’t look good on you, Col,” I joked lightly with him as he climbed the stairs.

He held his middle finger up as he climbed the rest of the way. I waited in his great room and finally, he appeared in a navy suit, white shirt and a black and blue tie.

“Thanks, Anth,” Colin said as we drove to work.

When we arrived, Colin sent out an email asking for everyone to gather in our large conference room at nine. The Chief Operations Officer, Mitch, and I stood beside Colin as he delivered the news about Sam to everyone. There were quiet murmurs, whispers and soft cries as the news quickly sank in.

“I’ll keep everyone updated with info regarding the service as soon as I have it. If you would like, please feel free to take the day off and spend it with your families. I’ll also make sure we have some counselors on site this afternoon and through next week in case anyone would like to talk to them. And my door is always open.”

Some people stayed to talk in small groups while others left quickly. Colin went to his office and shut the door. I knew that space was important during this time, too. I was working in my office when lunchtime rolled around. I knew he wouldn’t be hungry, but he needed to get out of the office a bit. I grabbed my orange foam ball and headed to his office. I knocked, waited a moment and went in.

Colin swiveled around in his chair and faced me. He didn’t look too good.

“Hey,” I said and sat down, placing the ball on his desk.

“Hey. I spoke to Sam’s wife. She wanted to know if he had any family photos at his desk that she could come by and get. I told her I’d take a look.”

“I can help, if you’d like. I can gather anything that appears to be personal and box it up,” I offered.

Colin nodded and said that he’d appreciate it. I told him I’d do it tomorrow. Today seemed a little sudden to clear out the guy’s desk. I took Colin to lunch and even though he pushed a lot of his food around, at least he ate something.

Around 4:00, Colin came into my office and tossed the foam ball at my chest. I caught it before it hit my desk. Colin looked worn out as he sat down in front of my desk.

“Thanks for today, Anth.”

I shrugged and aimlessly started looking around at my desk.

“I didn’t really do anything other than driving your ass around.”

He just looked at me for a few minutes and leaned back in his chair and then nodded. I’m not sure what that was about.

“You picked up me today and reminded me that even in this tragedy, I needed to be there for the people relying on me.”

“I just know how much everyone thinks of you. You probably don’t hear what I hear, but everyone says you’re a great leader and how much they love working here for you. You’re a ‘people’s boss.’ But, even I know that you’re human and impacted by Sam’s death. And I wanted to do whatever I could to help get you through the day.”

“You did that and more today, Anth. You stepped up when I didn’t think that I could, and you helped me to be there for the employees. You’ve got my back and I’ve got yours. Just like brothers.”

I swallowed hard and looked down.

Brothers.

I fought with myself and didn’t let my mind get consumed by memories of my childhood.

“I…don’t know what it’s like to have a brother, Col.”

“It’s pretty fucking great. You’ll see.”

I started to get lost in my memories of being alone while growing up, but Colin pulled me back.

“I’m ready to go home, Anth. I’m tired.”

I nodded and quickly shut down my computer. Since I drove him to work, I also needed to take him home. While Colin was speaking to his secretary, Mitch came over to me.

“Are you taking him home?”

“Yeah. I picked him up this morning.”

“I’ve never seen him like this. Keep an eye on him for a while if you can.”

I nodded as Mitch went over to say something to Colin while I waited by my office door. When Colin was ready, we rode down in the elevator.

“Do brothers prevent each other from wearing sweatpants?” I asked lightly.

Colin burst out laughing and nodded.

“Were they that bad?” he asked.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

“I’ll give you a pass this time. But yeah, they were bad.”

In the car, I thought about what Mitch had said and offered to get Colin dinner.

“Actually, I’m really tired and would just like to go home. But, I am hungry. Want to get a pizza and watch basketball?” he asked.

I smiled and nodded.

“UCLA is tipping off at 6:30,” Colin teased.

I nodded again.

“Pizza and UCLA, you got it,” I said. “Want me to call Matt too?” I asked and then quickly tried explaining what I meant, since I’m not good with words. “I didn’t mean that I didn’t want to watch the game, I just mean that…well…you and Matt are really close.”

“I’d love to have and watch the game with you and Matt. You guys are my family.”

I briefly thought of my dad but not in a sad way. I hope he could see that I had a couple really good friends. He’d be proud of me.

Soon, I was laughing while Colin and Matt cheered UCLA on and ate pizza. Despite it being UCLA, I was having a good time. And after a while, UCLA didn’t even bother me…I was just enjoying the company and felt good about being there for Colin today.

This must be what brothers do. Colin was right…it’s pretty fucking great.