Irina and he had been so intent on finishing the caulking before she had to go to bed that night that they’d missed the babies feeding time. It wasn’t their turn, of course, but he wasn’t meant to be working so late into the night anyway. A part of Ray that couldn’t help but resurface no matter how hard he was kicked had been pleased that he’d been able to concentrate on something else for a few hours. He was getting better, slowly, and with some missteps—like that awful trip to town with Josh, where he’d managed to embarrass himself on multiple counts and freak Josh out so badly his friend had barely looked at him since—but he felt calmer, more focused. The work helped, like if he could build up a wall or finish cleaning up the buckets they’d used, it’d somehow mean he was closer to being a whole person again.

He’d been in a good mood, tired but ready to push through it for the satisfaction of finishing... And then Josh had come to get him from the beta wing. He’d looked blank, which set alarms ringing in Ray’s brain. Josh always had at least half a smile poised on his lips, even if he couldn’t quite make it reach his eyes. “Come,” he’d asked Ray, and then spared Irina a glance. “You should head back to the house now.”

Irina was a beta but she wasn’t one to follow orders unquestioningly. This time she didn’t argue or question it, just told Ray she’d put away the rest of the materials on her own.

Ray knew the news were bad. It didn’t take a genius to come to expect tragedy after what he’d been through. And he couldn’t remember seeing Gabriel and Alec together on their own before. Gabriel had vouched for their shy doctor but he didn’t seem particularly close to him. Alec himself was visibly wary of Ray’s cousin—Ray assumed it was mostly a combination of Gabriel’s congenial brashness and Alec’s innate nervousness.

They’d chosen the living room, not the kitchen, and that was something even if they probably didn’t know that Nicholas had held him close in there as he called him a liar and promised to hurt his kids if he didn’t cooperate.

If Josh’s expression had been concerning, Alec’s would have sent anyone running. He was naturally pale, but now Ray could swear he was about to faint from how little colour he had on his face. He wasn’t just in the same room as Gabriel, either, but actually sharing the settee with him. Ray had to blink to make himself believe his eyes when he noticed his cousin was gripping Alec’s elbow hard enough his knuckles were white. Ray wanted to object, but for all that Alec was shy, he didn’t think an alpha would let another truly hurt him.

He stood in front of them, conscious of Josh a step behind him. “Tell me,” he demanded.

“We...” Alec started, but he couldn’t finish.

Gabriel took over. “We know why the wolves haven’t tried to mate with you,” he said. He met Ray’s eyes like it hurt and didn’t look away.

Maybe, deep down, Ray knew even then, because he repeated, “Tell me.”

Alec’s eyes fell closed and he flinched away. Gabriel didn’t let go, and Alec got the words out like they were being torn out of him with a burning poker. “You are pregnant.”

The words echoed between them, like a gunshot ringing in the air as the blood spread from a gaping wound. It was like all other sound was gone from the world, and then Josh said his name from behind him, so full of need it was impossible to ignore. Ray turned to look at him, because his mate was in pain and Ray could never not come to his aid. But when their eyes met, it was like reality crashed into Ray’s mind; somehow, seeing the belief in Josh’s eyes made it real to him.

“No,” he said, muffled. “That’s...” He looked down at Josh’s feet, then half turned towards the other two alphas and repeated it, “No. I— I killed him.”

“I can check,” Alec offered in a strangled voice, but Ray didn’t have time for that. Check? After he’d said it?

He met Alec’s eyes, suddenly so furious he nearly couldn’t form words, the growl that left his lips made Alec recoil. “It wasn’t even the full moon yet! And I... I didn’t let him. I didn’t. I stopped it. You—” The words seemed to scrape at his throat and he dry heaved hard enough that he stumbled.

Josh was at his side at once, holding him up by the elbow. “Breathe,” he told Ray. His own voice was laced with pain but he was still firm, he was still here. He wasn’t... And then Alec’s words seemed to crystallise in his mind and Ray yanked away from him and stepped aside. He’d have gone farther if his feet had been willing, but he only made it far enough to dig his clawed hands into the side of the armchair, tearing the cloth as he hunched over it, breathing harshly and shaking hard enough he’d have fallen if not for his grip.

He didn’t notice he was crying until Alec spoke again, “I’m so sorry, Ray. I swear, I—”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Ray screeched, loud enough to hurt his own ears. “You promised me. You swore a fucking oath to get that goddamned piece of paper you call a degree and you... you promised me you’d keep me safe. You swore... You—” He choked, the next sob surging up his throat too strong to be stopped by mere willpower. He could feel the tears falling down his face, his body betraying him in yet another way as his stomach roiled with disgust and his limbs shook with terror. And then, before he knew it, the wolf shoved him over and he was falling onto half formed paws.

By the time he leaped through the open window, he was fully transformed and so scared he just ran, no destination in mind. The wolf didn’t understand much, but it knew to get away from pain.

&

Josh found him. Ray didn’t really want to be touched, but the wolf was as terrified as Ray himself and it knew its mate. Despite everything, it believed Josh could keep them safe from anything. Ray didn’t have the strength to fight himself as well as the world, so he let his mate bury a hand in the hair of his neck and his face into Ray’s furred cheek and hold on like he was afraid Ray would disappear.

Ray wished he could, but Josh didn’t let go.

&

The wolf’s sense of time wasn’t great and Ray didn’t care. He was confused to find himself in his own bed, Josh holding onto him as he bent over his body. He was naked under the sheets—he’d probably ripped his clothes when he’d shifted—and Josh’s arm around his torso sent a shock of remembrance through him. He grunted from pain that was so much worse than any injury that he could barely even comprehend it and Josh flinched and shushed him, curling up further into him even as Ray struggled in his grip. He didn’t want...

“Shhhh,” his friend whispered. “It’s just me. I got you, you are safe. You are okay.”

Ray’s exhausted muscles accepted defeat and he slumped in his mate’s embrace, and then, like he’d let go of everything that held him together, came the tears. He only noticed he was sobbing when Josh pulled him up so he could breathe through it, and he only realised his nails had grown when he smelled the blood he’d drawn from Josh’s back. He tried to pull back, but Josh didn’t let him.

“I don’t care,” he told Ray, and Ray wasn’t sure who was shaking or if the world itself was trembling on its foundations and they were just holding on to each other to keep from falling off. “It doesn’t hurt,” Josh insisted, a lie so transparent it could only be offered as a sacrifice. He curled his fingers into fists—he could remember too clearly was his claws were capable off—and pressed his closed fists against his friend’s back even harder. Josh gasped a little but if the open wounds stung as they closed, he ignored it.

“I can’t,” he gasped against Josh’s neck. “I can’t...”

Josh held him harder still. “You can. You have done so much already, and you can... you can do this. I’ll help you. You will be okay.”

Ray tried to speak, to deny it perhaps, but he found himself crying harder, gasping for breath too hard to form words, even if he’d managed to calm down enough to think of any.

Josh shushed him again and tilted their bodies until they lay on their sides. He’d got some tissue from somewhere and put it right in front of Ray’s face, letting him take it so he could dry his face and his running nose. “Listen to me: you are in shock. That’s why you are cold.” It was only when he heard the word that he realised he wasn’t just shaking, he was trembling too. “I’m gonna get another blanket from the—” He stopped when Ray’s hold on his arm tightened. At some point, he’d forgotten not to hold on. “I won’t leave the room,” Josh promised, touching his face with his roughened hands so softly Ray felt like he might be about to shatter into a million pieces.

He concentrated and loosened his hold, it still pulled at his fingers when Josh rolled off the bed and crossed the room with strides so long it was closer to jumping than running. He yanked the chest of drawers open and muttered an imprecation when he saw he’d got the wrong drawer. Ray must have blinked because the next thing he knew his mate was putting a heavy woollen blanket over the lighter duvet and holding him close under it. Ray shivered harder, like his body knew it finally had the insulation he needed, if only he could warm up the space in between. Josh helped him along, rubbing hard to create friction and whispering encouragement, and Ray felt his body start to respond.

He closed his eyes, too exhausted to think or feel. It was too late to do anything now. He’d failed. Again. Only worse. The consequences of this mistake wouldn’t just be in his head.

&

For a few seconds, waking up warm and curled up with the man he loved, Ray forgot.

It only made remembering all the worst and he couldn’t keep back a noise. Josh woke with a start. Ray struggled against the blankets and Josh had to scramble to get off them before his thrashing sent him to the floor anyway. And then Ray was stumbling onto the floor, already breathing hard. The room was as big as always and empty except for the two of them, but his eyes went to the window at once, looking for an escape route.

"Ray," Josh said urgently and Ray turned, the way he'd have looked towards any other sound. "Calm down."

"How..." He shook his head. "I can't," he said, wheezing as his heart struggled against his ribs. "I—" He took a step towards the door because he needed to do something and Josh quickly stepped out of his way.

"Ray," he repeated. "Look down at yourself a moment before you do something you will regret."

The words didn't make a lot of sense, until Ray looked down and saw he was until naked from his stint as a wolf. He almost tripped over his own two feet getting back on the bed and under the blankets. Josh came over a moment later and offered him a t-shirt. He put it on under the sheets and Josh dropped underwear and a pair of shorts next to him next.

"I'm going to get you some breakfast. Have a cuppa first, let you..." His steps faltered on his way to the door. "Or I can just text Alec to bring it for us?"

Ray winced at the mention of Alec, suddenly remembering what he'd said to him the previous day. He shook his head. Josh didn’t move for a moment longer, maybe waiting for Ray to look at him. Ray kept his gaze on his own hands.

The door had barely clicked shut when he was dragging his underwear under the blankets and shoving his legs through it. That done, he buried his face into the bedding, wishing to drown and remembering, suddenly and vividly, a macabre conversation he’d have with Josh about what it would take to kill one of them. They’d been drunk on werewolf whisky for the first time—too young to drink anywhere but safe under the supervision of Josh’s older cousin. Ray didn’t know if he’d been thinking about his dad—the insane force it’d taken to break his body beyond recovery—or if he was always going to be a maudlin, depressed drunk.

He tried to push the thought away. He didn’t want to die. He just wanted it to stop. Every time he thought he was okay, that things were getting better...

He didn’t want to die; he just didn’t want to live like this.

It wasn’t worth it.

It felt better to say it, even if only inside his own head. He breathed in his own scent and Josh and underneath the babies too. He loved them all, too much to quantify, but... they didn’t really need him around. They loved him, of course, but he could see the pain on Josh’s face, and Alec had looked like he’d cut his own heart out and hand it to Ray on a plate if it would help. They loved him and all they could was watch him suffer—an endless cycle of bad luck and poor decisions.

If he was... gone, it’d hurt them, of course. But it would only hurt them once, and then they’d be free. They wouldn’t have an omega but that was okay too, there were other omegas who’d come to a new pack with a house and five strong, capable alphas at the helm—not to mention a beta like his sister running the whole thing. And they’d look after the babies. He could trust Josh with that, and he was sure Alec would make sure they were healthy, and Iesu would make them relax, enjoy life, and Sergi would be a steady presence, observant and attentive—not missing the little things. He even believed Gabriel had meant it when he’d promised any of their children who were omegas would choose their own mates.

They would be okay and happy. Much happier than if Ray stayed around and kept poisoning everything with a despair so all-consuming he felt he was drowning—

“Ray?” Josh called from behind the door.

Ray didn’t move and after a long pause, Josh pushed the door open rather awkwardly. Even with his nose buried in the blankets, Ray could smell the hot, greasy food. The plate clinked against the bureau. “You need to eat something, it’ll help you feel more... steadier. I promise, just...”

Josh sat beside him again and placed a hand on his shoulder. Ray stayed where he was. “Just have some orange juice, I don’t want you to get dehydrated.” He pulled slightly and Ray didn’t resist. “Okay, let me make you a deal. Half a glass of orange juice and I’ll leave you alone, okay?”

It wasn’t a bad deal. He needed time to think and he didn’t want to think with Josh around, even if he’d refused the mate bond and he couldn’t tell what Ray was feeling. He exhaled and rolled over so that he was facing towards the side of the bed. Josh got the hint and brought the glass to the bed, putting it to Ray’s lips and tilting it slightly to help him drink. Ray closed his eyes and drank—it was cold and sweet and Josh was right, damn him, it was waking him up.

Except he didn’t want to wake up. He turned his face away and a little juice spilled down his front before Josh could react.

“Ray!” his friend complained. “Warn a guy.”

Ray rolled over into his original position, closed his eyes and pretended to go to sleep. Josh heaved a sigh and warned him that he’d have to eat lunch. But he left.

&

He must have fallen asleep at some point because Josh shook him awake, already announcing what they had for lunch.

Ray grunted and pushed him away. “Not hungry.”

“Ray, come onnnn,” Josh whined in this tone he’d used with Glen when he’d got really fed up. “Just eat. I get you don’t want to talk, but you can’t stop eating!”

“Stop,” Ray asked quietly, and he was shocked when it worked.

Maybe if he had been less keen on getting back to sleep, he’d have realised it had been too easy. Instead, he got to be startled fully awake when Josh dropped a pup right on his back. It was only by some protective instinct that he didn’t push Jamie off the bed altogether.

“Josh!” he shouted, suddenly angry.

But he didn’t get to be angry for long because Jamie was already licking his face, whining softly in welcome and he didn’t have the heart to upset him further by raising his voice.

He vaguely recalled the babies crying in the background while he shouted at Alec. They’d felt how upset he was even through closed doors. The alphas must have made sure they were as far as possible before telling Ray the news, he realised, half grateful, half ashamed he hadn’t been able to control himself for their sake. Maria nudged his side with her face—probably forgetting she didn’t have a snout—and Ray gathered her close too, and just like that he was at the bottom of a puppy pile.

And goddess, he loved them. And what if someone hurt them like he’d been hurt? What if next time his sacrifice wasn’t enough?

He didn’t realise he was crying until he gasped for breath and moved Sasha off his chest. He didn’t want to let her go, but he couldn’t—

“Ray?” Josh asked in alarm, but Ray didn’t look at him. “Are you... What’s wrong?”

Ray tried to speak, to put him off or calm him down. He didn’t know, it didn’t work anyway, it just meant he’d opened his mouth and the sob he’d been holding back spilled free.

Josh shouted Alec’s name and started getting the babies off the bed. It was way too late, Sasha was wailing and Mikey was whimpering softly still in fur. Ray turned away and fisted the sheets, pushing his face down into them and locking his muscles as if he could keep himself from shaking so hard he felt like he was going to fall apart. It was as much protection from his pain as he could offer them.

He didn't really hear Alec come in but he felt him, and he felt the pups being taken away—tugging at the bond nobody talked about, the one between an omega and his children.

It hurt, but he didn't ask them to stop. It should hurt. He’d hurt them, it was all he could. What else did he have inside himself but pain?

And no matter how much he cried, how much he screamed and tore at the cloth in his hands... it didn't seem to stop. He just wanted it to stop.

“Shhhh...” Josh's voice in his ear was soft but firm. “I will make it stop. I promise, I will,” he insisted, fierce and desperate.

And Ray wanted nothing more than to believe him. But he couldn’t. He couldn't tell if Josh believed himself, but Ray knew in his heart of hearts that it wouldn't stop. Josh pressed closer and Ray jerked but he didn't try to pull away. He knew Josh couldn't protect him, but he wanted him to. He wanted to be safe.

Josh curled up against his back, murmuring words that didn't matter as much as his warmth and his presence next to Ray. And Ray stopped trying to stop, he just gave in and let it pour out of him.

It didn't seem like it'd ever end but even his body had limits and slowly he found himself panting, no more tears coming. The coverlet was a disgusting mess but he couldn't find the energy to turn his head around.

Josh's fingers were carding through his hair and Ray could suddenly feel them and the path they'd drawn on his scalp again and again who knew for how long.

He seemed to sense that Ray was aware of him because he spoke, “Let me get the tissues.”

Ray managed enough autonomy to clean off his own snot and threw the balled up tissue away before Josh could attempt to take it. Josh huffed, frustrated, but this was bad enough without making his friend pick up his used tissues. Josh went back to the head massage without another word.

“Are they...?” Ray tried out, trailing off when he heard the rasp that was his voice.

“Yeah, they were upset, that's all,” Josh said evenly. “Don’t worry about them; Alec and Gabriel are on it.”

“I’m sorry,” Ray said quietly.

Josh’s grip on his arm tightened. “Don't be sorry, didn't you say I was allowed to cry? What makes you so special?”

“I’m a mess,” Ray replied, pushing himself up into a sitting position. His hands were still trembling slightly but his head was quiet again—probably he'd cried himself out, maybe it was just all buried again waiting to erupt the moment he felt anything.

“You are doing pretty well, I would be jumping off a cliff at this point,” Josh said, lips curving up while his eyes stayed the same. And Ray couldn’t hide his reaction fast enough because Josh’s eyes widened and he inhaled sharply. “Ray,” he said. He sounded terrified.

Ray swallowed, feeling like he'd throw up. He didn't want Josh to...

Josh took hold of his upper arm, too hard, nails digging a little—not that Ray cared about a little more pain. “Ray, you can’t—"

“I know I can't,” Ray told him, and he didn't even care that much when Josh choked out a sound of pain. He didn't have any room left for any more pain—his own or anyone else's.

“What...?”

“You don't have to worry,” Ray said. “I just... I just want it to stop, okay? It's a feeling, I can't—I can't help how I feel.”

“Can I— is there anything I can do?” Josh asked and he sounded like he would jump off that cliff if Ray asked it of him.

Ray shook his head. He knew Josh would have helped if he could—it was just that he couldn't.

Nobody could.

“Can I hold you?” Josh asked after a moment, his voice had lost all traces of certainty now. He was scared. Ray had scared him. He nodded; he didn't hold it against Josh. There wasn't anything anyone could do, after all.

He didn't know how long they'd been pressing close when the knock came. He was warm and sleepy—he'd closed his eyes at some point and leaned his head against Josh's neck.

“What?” Josh called out.

“I need to talk to Ray,” Alec said clearly from the other side of the door.

Josh tensed and leaned back to meet Ray's eyes, alarm writ clear on his face.

Ray shrugged. He felt so blank, he could hardly imagine he'd care about whatever Alec had to say.

But Josh cared. “I’m talking to him first,” he decided, letting Ray go. “Maybe you can have a shower? I'll change the sheets.”

For some reason, it was the idea of being naked again that got through the thin layer of indifference his mind had helpfully provided him with. He shook his head.

Josh paused a second longer, then nodded. “Okay, I'll go talk to him outside.”

&

The knock came again maybe five minutes, maybe five hours later. Ray's eyes were dry from not blinking and he had to swallow before he could speak and invite his alpha to come in.

Alec opened the door slowly, then slipped in and closed it quickly behind him.

Ray almost flinched, remembering the look on Alec’s face when Ray had shouted at him. “I treated you like crap,” he rasped out.

“Already forgotten,” Alec said. He was lying, but somehow he was holding Ray's gaze anyway. A lie that wasn't a lie because he meant it. He'd forgive Ray for it, even though Ray didn't deserve it.

“No, I'm sorry,” he said. “I know it's not your fault.”

Alec swallowed, turning his body slightly away. “I promised you, and I failed.”

“You promised to be my doctor, not... you aren't responsible for my actions.”

“Your...?” Alec started to ask. “Ray, he...” He faltered, then spoke with obvious difficulty, pulse a hum in Ray’s ears. “He raped you.”

He said it quietly, like he was afraid of the words.

Ray looked down at his hands, remembering how he'd fought. And how he'd stopped. But it wasn't just that... “I let him take me away, so he wouldn't hurt the babies.”

“Fuck, you think that isn't rape?”

“I decided to do it,” Ray confessed. He’d known, of course, but to tell someone else... “I knew he was going to... And I went with him. It was worth it,” he added almost viciously. He thought about Josh’s suggestion of a shower, but he’d washed it off already and he couldn’t do anything to erase the sense memory of it—no amount of soap, or bleach, could do that.

As long as he lived, he’d have to carry it with him.

He saw Alec's hand twitch, but of course Alec wasn't Josh, he wouldn't even ask to touch Ray. “Then you couldn't consent freely and it's still rape.”

“Okay,” Ray agreed. What did it matter what they called it? “Nicholas still won.”

“He—” Alec started to say, then cut himself off. “I have something else to tell you. Something good, do you want to hear it now?”

“Something good?” Ray echoed, uncomprehending.

“It’s... I don't know, a silver lining?” he offered, and when Ray didn't say more, he continued, “You can have single pregnancies from now on. You just need to take... an alpha. And stay away for the full night. The other wolves will lose interest.”

Ray stared, brain rushing with too many words to process. “What?” he asked in the end because he couldn't seem to make sense of it.

“That’s why we... the wolves didn't need to...” He waved a hand, probably not wanting to mention sex in the same conversation as rape.

“But I thought...” Ray met his eyes, blinking back tears.

“I have been talking to—e to other omegas,” Alec explained. “I don't know a lot, but that's how I figured out...” He stopped. “I’m sorry, I should have seen it earlier, but it was a good thing and I—I was stupid, I just didn’t think of it. It’s so obvious, but... I’m sorry.”

Ray didn't answer, struggling to get his brain to do the math. He'd assumed he'd have a litter every year at the very least. He hadn't really allowed himself to think of the numbers. He’d instinctively known that he couldn’t handle it. Alec had said an omega's cycles slowed down as he aged, but he'd assumed he'd cross the dozen in less than three years.

This meant... “But then, I would... I will go into heat more often.”

“I don't really think so,” Alec said. “You won't while the baby is very young and then the... feeding helps too.”

“It didn't help this time,” Ray said quietly.

“It’s not the same,” Alec objected. “Your body wasn't ready, it was just close enough it could... It could conceive if it was asked to.”

“Are you sure?” Ray asked in the end, meeting Alec's eyes despite how hard it was. He couldn't stand it if this was just...

“Yes,” Alec said at once, then he stopped and clarified, “About the single pregnancy. The rest is a good guess based on other people's experiences.”

“Okay, I— thank you.”

“I can—” Alec started but he stopped when Ray raised a hand.

“I... I would like to be alone.”

“Ah, yes, of course,” his alpha said, scrambling for the doorknob. “I— Call if you—” But he didn't finish the sentence before he closed the door a little too hard.

Ray looked down at this own hands numbly, then pushed his shirt over his head and his boxers down his legs as fast as he could and dropped himself into the wolf's wild certainty. The wolf was in pain, too—it couldn't get away from it any more than Ray could—but it was a simpler kind, easier to combat with time and comfort than the tangle of emotions Ray's human brain couldn't untangle or escape.

He found a space to wedge himself into between the bed and the wall, tucked his tail in and pressed his ears against his skull, trying to block out the world for a little while.

&

Josh found him there in the morning, and when Ray opened his eyes his own fur already smelled of his alpha. Josh rubbed the side of his face, tracing the prickly skin of his snout. Ray licked his hand. “Hey, sleepy head,” his friend greeted him. “I thought you might need some fresh meat, got you a rabbit.”

Ray almost toppled him when he sprang to his feet, but Josh laughed. “Finally!” he crowed. “Come, I left it in the front porch.”

He didn’t even notice he was outside until he’d eaten all the soft meat and started on the bones. Josh was standing by his side, not watching him eat but a steady presence between him and the door.

“Ray?” he asked when he saw Ray watching him. He shook the water bottle in his hand. “Wanna?”

He knelt where he was, putting himself at Ray’s height, and Ray got closer and drank from his cupped palm.

Josh didn’t try to touch him, which was fine because now that he was awake all Ray and his wolf agreed on was that something was wrong.

It wasn’t Josh, of course. But he needed to be alert. He turned his head, sniffing at the air. To Ray, the fact that it was only members of the pack was somewhat reassuring; to the wolf it didn’t quite help. It could feel Ray’s distress and it couldn’t find the source. And if it didn’t know where the danger was... it meant it could be anywhere.

Josh opened the door, but Ray ignored him, settling down on the porch instead. He wasn’t sure why the houses of the pack all included one, but they made a great spot to keep guard and he definitely couldn’t feel the cold as a wolf.

Josh hesitated in the doorway, but then he huffed and went back inside, leaving Ray there alone. He stayed there even when everyone left for work, leaving only Marisa behind to do the babysitting since she was too young to get paid a decent wage even if she did find a job willing to take her with no experience.

Ray registered their absence—the sense of impeding danger getting worse with each member of his pack that left him behind—and he didn’t move from his post, knowing he was the last line of defence between whatever was coming and his children.