There was no reason to be nervous. They were going bowling like two middle-aged men who mostly liked to win and couldn’t quite cope with anything more exhausting—sadly, Ray probably couldn’t.

He liked the give and take a competition allowed them, the teasing and the back and forth where it didn’t quite matter whose quips and jokes landed because it was all about keeping the energy going between them. Keeping the connection between them. It had always been about that. If they were more similar than not, it wasn’t natural inclination, but an inability to let go of that instant kinship they’d found in each other way before they knew what bonds were.

They had called it friendship for lack of a better word, but it had never compared to the casual relationships Ray shared with other members of his pack, or his schoolmates. Maybe he could have said Josh was his only real friend, but now that he had his own pack, he was slowly learning his way around a friendship of sorts with his other alphas—learning who they were and what they needed, revealing parts of himself that he’d always hid and trusting them to care for him when he was vulnerable. That was friendship.

But had things ever been like that with Josh? Had it ever felt less intense than it did now? He didn’t think so, he didn’t think it was hormones talking—either his own or the magical type that had arrived later. He hadn’t always wanted to kiss Josh, but he’d always wanted Josh. His attention, his company, his... He’d wanted to know he was important to him. No, not just important, special.

So hell, maybe there were about a hundred reasons to be nervous about bowling.

“You ready?” Josh asked, startling him enough Ray fumbled his phone.

He was smiling a little smugly when Ray looked up after having caught it by dint of superhuman reflexes. He got up, choosing not to respond to that smile—he couldn’t quite manage to be annoyed and he definitely didn’t want to encourage him by smiling back like a dolt just because... “All set.”

Josh glanced around. “Do you want to...?”

Ray shook his head. This time, he’d planned more carefully. Maybe he couldn’t stop worrying about leaving the pups behind, but at least he could take care of the practical matters on his own. He was an adult and he’d been more responsible than most grown-ups by the time he’d started growing facial hair, he wasn’t going to accept getting catered to like he was sick just because life had thrown him a bit of a curveball.

“I already talked to Iesu and Alec, they are staying in,” he explained and started for the door.

“Iesu and Alec?” Josh asked, sounding puzzled.

Ray shrugged. It was a bit of an odd combination, but he figured the alphas had all found ways to talk to each other—maybe Alec just let Iesu do all the talking and just made noises to signal he was listening—when he wasn’t around. Neither of them had given him reason not to trust them and if he didn’t rely on his alphas and his betas, it wouldn’t take any real threats to send him over the edge.

“Sergi is having dinner with his parents,” he explained. “I think he wants to ask them to come on Sunday.”

“And the rest?” Josh asked as he patted his jacket to check for his keys and Ray smiled—like he ever removed them except to turn on the Jeep.

Ray waited him out. “The betas are around, but they are free. Gabriel isn’t back yet, but I figure it being Friday...”

“Pub crawl with the crew,” Josh finished sagely.

Gabriel was undeservedly famous among his co-workers from being able to hold his drink. Ray guessed it worked well with Gabriel’s image as a guy who got shit done and was ready to work hard. That much was true, but it was funny because when they brought out the real booze they distilled for the pack, he was actually kind of a lightweight for someone as tall and broad.

“Yup. We are probably safe in the bowling alley,” he added, allowing himself to check his phone was charged for the tenth time in the last ten minutes.

He nearly dropped it again when Josh took him by the elbow and started leading him to the door. Ray bit back a comment about the dangers of startling people with sharp claws when his friend darted a nervous look his way. He was nervous too. A shiver of delight ran down Ray's spine at the idea.

The whole arm holding thing was crazy old-fashioned, but it was also nice—close enough to Josh dragging him around with an arm around his neck but much more comfortable than the straight friend version. There was nothing sexual about linking arms, naturally, but it wasn’t something guys did with each other. Guys were obviously idiots, half-strangling their friends so they wouldn’t look too affectionate or something.

As they approached the car, Ray twisted his hand so he could trail his fingers down Josh’s exposed forearm. Josh shivered and Ray smiled—he was enjoying this new freedom to touch maybe a little too much. Josh must not have minded either because he stayed put until Ray let go to get into the car.

It did take him long enough to get in that Ray wondered if he wanted Ray to drive again, but in the end he didn’t ask for anything, just watched Ray intently for a moment before opening the door.

“Alec said I shouldn’t play on Sunday,” Ray said before he lost his nerve. He wanted it done with, and then he wanted to think about something else. Something he could do.

“Football?” Josh guessed, pulse spiking. “You mean... Fuck, I’m sorry, that sucks.”

“Yeah, well...”  Ray shrugged. Next time, he’d make sure to enjoy his freedom while he had it. He did have the advantage of an in-home team at his disposal, after all, and he’d get to train the babies as soon as they could walk, too. If Clara grew up to be half as fast on two feet as she was on four...

“Maybe we can play something else?” Josh suggested, interrupting his daydreams. “I’m sure I have my table tennis table somewhere in my parents’ garage.”

“I’m not going to make everyone give up football because of me,” Ray bit out, shoving his seatbelt a little too hard into the fastener. Table tennis. Irina would probably start a beta rebellion if he tried that...

“What?” Josh’s eyes darted towards the noise, but he wisely didn’t mention it. Maybe he knew Ray already felt bad about being rough with Josh’s precious car. It was just an inconvenient reality for them all that human-built objects weren’t meant to withstand the casual anger of supernatural muscles.

Josh started the engine with his eyes on the empty road path leading out of the house. “We don’t need to give up football, just add some other options. I bet Anne and Harry would appreciate something they can play with the rest of us, for starters.”

Ray pushed down his unreasonable anger. He wasn't less angry—he loved playing football and he knew Alec was right that he was all too likely to get a fast ball to the stomach—but it was a good idea. It was something. And it was true the kids couldn’t have played with the adults. It was just like Josh to care of everyone and everything.

It wasn’t his fault Ray didn’t want to be taken care of.

Josh reached over and took his hand and Ray let him, relaxing his shoulder and curling his fingers around Josh’s. His hand was soft, softer than when he’d been helping build the house. Ray wondered what it would feel like to be touched by him now...

“Thanks,” Ray made himself say. He glanced out the window, watching the green hills pass them by as they picked up speed. And at some point, he became aware that his palm was a little sweaty. Or maybe Josh’s was? For some reason, it seemed to matter that it wasn’t his own.

Handholding was primary school stuff. He didn’t even remembered the first time he’d held a girl's hand and he couldn’t believe it’d set his heart racing like this. But this was Josh, in the Jeep, like a million times before. Like a million times again.

Josh wasn’t a choice he could unmake or chance he could take. If this didn’t work out... If Josh let go, Ray wouldn't be able to handle it. He didn’t see how anyone could: they were too close, in too many ways, and letting go wasn’t just hard, it was impossible. How was he supposed to live like that? He couldn't hold onto Josh forever.

He could never let him go. Josh could never let him go. There was no taking back a mating bite.

And it should have been more than enough, it should have been too much, a trap Ray wanted to escape. But instead it wasn't enough because he didn't want Josh's promise that he'd stay and protect Ray no matter what. He wanted to know Josh wanted that. He wanted Josh to love him and love required the ability to stop.

But he couldn’t ask for that.

Josh tugged at his hand. “What are you thinking about? I can hear your brain going in circles.”

More like his heart having a panicked race, but it didn’t really matter how Josh knew: Ray didn’t want to talk about it, talking about it was just another way of asking Josh to promise him something Josh had no way of guaranteeing. “Kicking your arse at bowling.”

Josh could tell he was lying, but he let Ray change topics anyway. “I think you are forgetting my three consecutive strikes,” he replied after a moment, taking his hand away to park the car into a tight spot. Ray clenched his empty hand shut—it was still sweaty but a little cold now.

Somehow they’d made it to the bowling alley and he hadn’t even noticed.

“A strike is a strike,” he said, trying his best to sound normal. “Doesn't matter if you do them in order or not. Points are the same.”

“My fans disagree,” Josh said, getting out of the car.

Ray snorted and pushed his door open. “You mean your teenage followers?” he asked and it came out a little harsh but Josh didn’t complain. “Did you ever get your Facebook back after they all decided to follow you?”

Josh shrugged as he stepped away. “Whatever, I don't like Facebook.”

Ray laughed a little. He couldn’t help it, Josh was such a marshmallow around kids. “Nobody does, doesn't mean it's not sad that a random group of teens made you stop using yours.”

“Maybe I should start again, share baby pictures,” Josh suggested, hanging back to let Ray catch up with him.

Ray gave him a reproving look. “Maybe don't flirt with anyone today and we will be okay."

He couldn’t tell if the baby pictures would announce Josh was taken and off limits, or just make him look more approachable. Possibly the forbidden element would make him even more appealing in their eyes.

Josh shot him a look from under his lashes. “No flirting?” he asked with a pout. “On a date? Am I also not allowed to touch any balls in bowling?” he added with a little dip to his cadence that made it clear he did not mean marble ones.

Ray swallowed—not quite able to decide between laughing and blushing. He could do this, he thought. He stopped walking and shoved his hand inside the pocket of his jeans, bringing out the folded list he’d spent half the week agonizing over.

He waited until Josh stopped and took a step back towards him before he offered it to him. Josh looked wary, but he took the paper. His hand was warm when his fingers brushed Ray's. His eyes were too wide, but he didn’t look away from Ray’s—almost like he couldn’t. “Is this...?”

Ray licked his lips. “I figured... let's get it out of the way. Or, like, you can look at it when... while I'm winning,” he added a little weakly.

Josh glanced down, then met Ray's eyes. “Or I look at this and forget which way to roll the ball,” he suggested.

Ray shrugged and took the last three steps towards the door, holding it open until Josh recovered enough to catch up. “That works too, I guess.”

His heart was beating too fast again. But at least he wasn't worried about the kids for once. Josh had asked for the list, he reminded himself. And he hadn’t even...

“Catch,” Josh said suddenly and Ray barely managed to take hold of the deodorant before it flew right past him.

“Josh,” he complained. “You could have hit someone in the face!”

“Pay attention then,” Josh replied with a warning look.

Of course Josh could tell he was thinking too hard.

“Hot dog and Coke?” Ray offered as they got to their lane. They hadn’t needed to wait because Josh had called in advance and made a reservation, like... Well, like it was a date.

They still needed to spray their shoes if they had any chance of putting them on without doing an interpretative dance to wiggle their feet in without getting their faces anywhere near them. Ray passed the deodorant back.

Josh raised his eyebrows. “Leaving me with all the hard work?”

Ray shrugged, then surprised himself with a joke. “Fumes are bad for me, remember?”

Josh looked so shocked by the comment it was very nearly worth the niggling discomfort of talking about it. Then Josh rolled his eyes at him. “Whatever, get me ice.”

Ray inclined his head at him and turned for the bar.

When he got back with the food, Josh was weighing the balls to find the heaviest. He had his shoes on already and he waved at Ray to put the food down. “Sit.”

Ray shoved the plates onto the table and took a sip of his Coke as he raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“So... I can do it,” Josh explained, waving at the second pair of shoes. “And go wash my hands, like, three times, or we can risk our hot dogs getting stolen while we go to the toilet to scrub under our fingernails together.”

Ray gaped at him for possibly thirty seconds before he couldn’t hold back the laughter anymore. “Okay, whatever, you wanna play the prince, go for it.” He flopped down into one of the cushioned seats and lifted a sock-clad foot, leaning back to look down his nose at Josh because it was either play imperious noble or think about the embarrassing fact that Josh was so close to his feet.

Josh took hold of his ankle and pushed the shoe on, then did the other. Ray took no offense at the way his nose was wrinkling. He looked ridiculous but cute, and even with his fingers pinched around his nose, Ray could tell the rental shoes were pretty rank.

“That makes you Cinderella,” Josh pointed out once he got to his feet and could bear to open his mouth again. Maybe his hands were still too close to his face because he grimaced. “I... Don’t run away.”

“That’s my line!” he called out as Josh did just that.

&

Josh hit a respectable eight pins on his first go. Ray whooped, making him turn to glare. His second ball went straight through the gap and he came back and sat heavily, muttering, “Cheating.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ray agreed, taking an enormous bite of his hot dog and giving him a toothy grin that had to be at least a little gross. It made Josh laugh and Ray got to his feet with a little more spring than was probably deserved before he even had a go.

He weighed a deep red ball, but went for a black one in the end, closing himself off to the harmless noise of the people of all ages daring each other, eating, exchanging food and shoes with equal speed. He could only see the pins in front of him, and the lane, shiny brown and framed by the gutters.

He already knew his centre of gravity had started to change, but he'd learned to compensate during his first pregnancy and what could a single one compare to five? He stepped forwards with his left foot and swung. The ball didn't bounce at all, the force of the swing going into the roll pushing it forward, straight for the pins...

“Strike!” Josh shouted before he had a chance, and sounding as joyous as if he'd done it himself.

Ray stared at the fallen pins, already being pulled up, before turning with a grin. Josh looked ready to hug him. But suddenly that felt like a bit much. He walked around the table, avoiding his friend’s path. “Can you do better?” he asked with a smirk.

Technically, nobody could do better but Josh managed a strike of his own and the view from the seats was pretty great.

“Not bad,” Ray told him, eyeing him appreciatively.

“Oh, fuck off,” his friend replied. Ray thought he might have managed to make him blush a little but Josh wasn't looking at him as he asked, “Can you manage another?”

Ray didn't respond, just shrugged and cracked his knuckles. He was faking the confidence but his body didn't seem aware of it; it just fell into position and there he was with two strikes in a row.

Josh managed another as well and licked his lips, raising his eyebrows in challenge when he crossed Ray on the way back to his seat.

That was not why Ray fumbled his next go, of course, but Josh's smug expression said he thought otherwise. Ray flipped him the bird and sucked hard at his Coke, making sure to twirl his tongue around the straw as he pulled back without looking away.

“Dick,” Josh muttered, and he only managed to down nine pins, which meant if Ray did, he'd win. Josh walked back and leaned over where Ray was sitting at the table. He was close enough but he didn't touch Ray. Instead he met his eyes and whispered, “I’m going to read your list now that I'm done.”

Ray felt himself flush. “You—”

He decided not to finish that and stalked to the lane before he remembered exactly what he'd written. He checked the weight of the ball and the position of his feet and by the time he realised he was overthinking it, it was too late. He still won, just because he’d started—they were even in points.

Not that he cared much once he turned around and saw Josh staring intently at the paper in his hands, climbing pulse audible even in the crowded room.

He swallowed, looking up to meet Ray's eyes when he felt him watching. “Ah... this is... long.”

Ray cringed a little, taking a step closer but keeping the little table between them. “We don't have to... I just— It's only ideas. I told you; I never got to try anything. And I wanted... I wanted you to choose what you liked.”

“No, I— I get that.” Josh stood up, looked at the paper he still held like he didn’t quite know how it’d got there, then folded it back in four and put it in his inner pocket right where he kept his keys. “Should we go get some proper food?” he asked, not looking at Ray as he picked up the empty food packages and headed for the bin.

His pulse was already slowing down by the time he returned to get his jacket so Ray nodded.

“Wait,” he had to ask once they’d swapped their shoes. “Toilet.”

Josh seemed confused because they’d just toed off their shoes and used napkins to put them in the counter. Their own didn’t smell of roses but their own scents were pretty easy to ignore.

Ray didn’t explain why his toilet breaks were starting to get too close together again. If there was a way to fit talk of his spleen in a date-appropriate conversation, he didn't know it.

&

He went to the toilet, washed his hands with the heavy smelling soap and his face with water, slicking his too long hair away from his eyes. He felt a little more settled when he came back. Josh had looked at the list and he didn't think Ray was... crazy, or a perv or something.

It couldn't have been more than five minutes, but he found Josh chewing again. “Are you eating another hot dog?” Ray asked with a dubious look. He liked them as much as the next guy but they'd had three each already. Josh shrugged, visibly struggling not to laugh. “Are you making a dick joke in your head now? Seriously?”

Ray snorted and took a page off Josh's book and grabbed his elbow to steer him towards the exit. It was nice, innocent but close. “It’s good I like you because you have less game...”

“Hey,” Josh complained, elbowing him gently with the same arm Ray was holding on to—basically just making them sway in place a little and look like they were drunk at six in the afternoon.

Ray laughed, clutching at him for balance. “Stop!” he demanded. “We look like idiots.”

Josh kept walking, dragging Ray instead of the other way around. “Not you,” he said seriously. “You look hot.”

Ray tensed a little and Josh turned to give him a look even as he opened the door and loosened his hold so Ray could walk through first. “Can I say that?”

Ray opened his mouth to respond when someone coming in jostled him. The guy was big but he barely moved Ray half a step. Of course he'd done it right in front of Josh and Josh had tensed like he'd punched Ray in the face. Ray had to take a step closer and tow him out of the doorway before he went in after the arsehole and taught him that not everyone shorter than him was there for him to shove out of his way.

Josh didn't insist, just muttered a series of names they were not supposed to say around the children. It was still pretty odd to see a laid-back guy like Josh get angry that fast—all their lives, that had been Ray's thing.

Ray supposed it was what being an alpha got you and the jerk was lucky Josh's wolf didn't consider Ray his own at the moment. The idea hurt a little, even if every logical part of Ray knew he didn't want to be owned, he couldn't quite drown the parts of him that wanted to belong.

“Ray,” Josh said after a block Ray had spent wondering if he should try and hold his hand again. It was pretty dark and he didn’t think either of them were interesting enough to catch anyone’s eye, but still, two guys holding hands was bound to— “You said... well, you wrote what, but not... where.”

“Where?” Ray echoed, frowning. He'd figured a bed would be involved.

“Well,” Josh licked his lips. “I just mean that I don't want to... If there's something you don't like, I don't want you to remember it when... when you are alone. In your room. So...”

Ray didn't really care. He could put up with an awkward moment or two and he already knew Josh would ask more than he wanted to be asked anyway. “We could go to your room,” he pointed out.

But Josh shook his head and said, “Let’s get some takeaway. What do you want?”

Not food, Ray thought. But he’d take it, if Josh needed some time, to think about the list or... When he shrugged, Josh led the way to their favourite Chinese restaurant—cheap and quick and guaranteed to give them portions worthy of werewolves. Ray got out a twenty to pay and Josh didn’t say a word about it—maybe he was happy Ray felt he could spend the money, maybe he got how awkward it would have been if Josh had paid again for something this cheap after he’d sprang for a whole sushi dinner last time.

They talked a bit about the menu—like they hadn’t spent a whole summer trying everything in it—and then about whether they could try and cook some of it. Or more likely ask Alec if he felt like experimenting in the kitchen because the rest of them were only good at a couple easy dishes each.

It felt like it could have been any night out of hundreds like it... and then Ray stumbled a bit, forgetting about the unnecessary step right outside the shop, and Josh’s hand shot out to hold him steady and it didn’t feel anything like a normal night anymore.

He swallowed, meeting Josh’s eyes and feeling the strength of each of Josh’s fingers through shirt and jacket like they were digging hard enough to draw blood. “I’m okay,” he said, instead of stepping back.

And it took Josh a little longer than it should have to let go and look away. “Be careful,” he admonished, pointlessly.

Ray didn’t reply. “So you want to eat out here somewhere?”

It wasn’t that cold for them but November was cold enough for humans that the benches outside the local pub would be deserted. Josh shook his head, though. “Let’s go to the car.”

Maybe the list hadn't been such a great idea. Josh was so tense... so different than the last time they'd gone out. Ray wanted to have sex, of course, but not if the cost was this high. That had been the whole reason he’d never said anything before.

“Hey,” he said once they were seating in the Jeep. Josh slanted a look at him. “You get that it's just ideas, right? You can say no. I want you to say no if you aren't into it. This isn't all about me.”

Josh shrugged, then started rubbing at the leather gearshift between them. “I don't want to say no,” he said softly. “But... I need to know I can. I need to know I will stop, and I'm...” He exhaled, frustrated.

“You are not sure,” Ray finished for him. “Well, I am. And I'm happy to show you. Just drive us somewhere we are not going to get interrupted by your fan club.”

Josh snorted, glancing up with grateful eyes. “Maybe I can promise to upload some pictures if they leave us alone.”

“Ugh, gross, they were like fourteen.”

Josh laughed, manoeuvring the Jeep out of the tiny parking space. “We were sixteen, remember?”

“Whatever. I’m not into exhibitionism.”

Josh didn’t answer. Ray checked the road first, which was nearly deserted, and then Josh, who was still quiet and staring ahead as if he was certain he was going to be required to evade a stampede in the next three seconds. “What did I say?”

“We—When we...” Josh stopped and Ray realised his grip on the steering wheel was close to dangerously tight. He definitely had the strength to break it if he wasn’t careful.

Ray exhaled, feeling his own heart speed up at the mention of his first time with his alphas. “Look, let’s stop here, just slow down and park it down on the side.”

Josh gave a shaky nod and the car slowed to a stop in the next open side of the road. He let the Jeep roll over the grass for about fifty extra meters or so—far enough from the main road to be safe.

Ray wasn’t sure if Josh was ready to hear it, but he didn’t want this to detour their whole evening. “I did not enjoy that,” he said clearly. “But you knew that already,” he reminded him. They had spoken about it, and Ray had thought...

“Yes,” Josh admitted between gritted teeth. “I know, but—”

“The exhibitionism was the least of it,” Ray explained. He didn’t mean to be cruel, but he was done protecting the alphas’ delicate sensibilities. “I didn’t even feel... I didn’t feel like I was having sex. It was the wolf and... Goddess, it needed it, and I wanted to stop but it was like wanting to stop drinking when you are parched, only worse. I can’t even—”

“Is that how it felt with...” Josh cut himself off before saying the name and the only reason Ray could keep himself from growling at him was that he caught his flinch.

“No," he bit out, but it didn't sound quite right. "Yes, I— I had more control, and then I lost it. I wasn’t in heat so it was just him trying to—to push me down. Like, in my head, not just— And then the Moon rose enough or something and he managed. I couldn’t stop him but not because my wolf wanted to... to do it. It just didn’t have the strength not to submit.”

Josh let out a slow, wet breath. Ray didn’t look at him. If he was crying... “I’m sorry,” Josh said, nearly inaudible but from the bottom of his heart. Ray could feel it in his bones and then he added, “If there was anything—”

“No time travel,” Ray interrupted. “Just getting over it.”

Josh turned his head towards him but Ray didn’t, refusing to meet his eyes. He'd said too much already, and Josh could even hear him panicking, he couldn't... “How can I expect you get over that?” Josh asked.

“Me?” Ray sighed. “You need to get over it. I know it was an accident. I know all of you; you wouldn’t have gone ahead with it if you had understood. If I had known... If we hadn’t all believed we had to do it right away, and we had to let our instincts guide us...” He shrugged. He didn’t want to bring up his uncle now—when he'd first understood how completely the man who had been his Head Alpha all his life had abandoned him to his fate, he'd been hurt. Now, he could only be grateful he wouldn't need to hide his hatred.

“So that’s it? We are forgiven?” Josh asked between gritted teeth.

“I have forgiven you,” Ray clarified, unhooking his seat bell and turning to meet his eyes. It made no difference to Josh’s ability to tell if Ray was being truthful, but he wanted him to see. He'd lost too much already, he wasn't going to lose Josh. “It doesn’t sound like you have.”

Josh looked away and this time he was definitely wiping away tears. “This is not the kind of thing you can just apologize for.”

“No? So what’s this? Blood sacrifice level?" Ray gritted out. "Offerings under the moonlight?”

“Ray!” Josh snapped, eyes bright still. “I’m serious.”

“I’m serious too," Ray told him. "If saying sorry is not enough, and me saying I’m over it is not enough. What do you need to do to feel better?”

“I...” Josh looked away, then met his eyes rather timidly. “Whatever you want. I’ll do whatever you want, whatever will make you feel better.”

Ray gave him a tired smile, leaned in and plucked the folded-up list from the pocket of Josh’s jacket and offered it again. Josh followed the moment with his eyes. “You should choose,” he said without even looking at the list.

But that was a sacrifice, not what Ray wanted. If Josh wanted to atone, he'd have to do it by helping Ray feel better, not by making himself feel worse. And no matter how badly Ray wanted an egalitarian relationship, there was no way in hell he was putting anyone through anything even close to what he'd been through. Revenge was just violence dressed up as justice, not the real thing. And there was no justice anyway; neither of them had deserved to be put in the position their bodies and their pack had put them in.

“No,” he said easily. “We are not doing an eye for eye. We are trying not to fuck up again, remember?”

Josh nodded. “Okay, sorry.” He took the paper and opened it. He licked his lips, flushing a little as he went through it again. “You didn’t write if you want to... give or receive.”

“Oh, either,” Ray said. “Well, mostly both.”

He’d done some of it already, of course, but it didn’t feel that way. He’d done it either during heat or under the heavy haze of an alpha’s arousal.

Josh folded the list again and leaned towards the passenger side to put it carefully into the glove compartment. Ray stayed very still as their arms brushed, waiting for a decision that felt vital.

“Um, the back okay?” Josh offered.

Ray didn’t bother with words, just opened the door and hoisted himself up onto the bed of the Jeep. Josh followed, holding himself up by the arms until he could climb in without touching Ray. Ray didn’t comment on the fact that Josh had never had a problem rolling on top of Ray before. In a way, it made sense to be shy about touching each other when they were planning to do it, when it'd be more than comfort and more dangerous too.

“Maybe we should have brought a bottle to spin,” he suggested wryly when they were both kneeling, watching each other awkward and unsure like they hadn't done a lot more than kiss.

Josh laughed and it echoed oddly in the quiet of the night. “Come here,” he asked, and Ray crawled closer until he could bury his face into Josh’s neck and put his arms around him. He knelt, not wanting to climb into Josh’s lap without asking. Josh held him, rubbing his back slowly. “Handjobs,” he said into Ray’s ear, trying to keep his voice even. And failing. “That okay?” Ray nodded against his shoulder. “What... what position?”

Ray froze for a moment, suddenly uncomfortable, but Sergi hadn’t minded, and Josh wouldn’t either. Ray knew he could trust him.

“I need to be on top,” he said slowly. He couldn’t quite manage to explain that it was more about the fact that he didn’t want Josh to be on top of him, but it wasn’t... It was obvious. If you knew what had happened. And the last thing he needed was to think about that or he wasn’t going to be in the mood ever again.

“Sure.” Josh carded his fingers through his hair, a slow sensual massage, until Ray tilted his head back, moaning a little. And then Josh’s hand travelled lower, towards his jaw and he was cupping his face at the perfect angle to lean down for a kiss; soft, tentative, until a hint of wetness made Ray groan and push with his own tongue and everything got messy and desperate—too much teeth, and too fast, and he wanted more.

Josh scrambled to keep hold of him. And Ray swung his right leg over both of his lover’s and used leverage the leverage to send him tumbling down on the bed of the Jeep. He froze for an instant but by the way he moaned and shoved back against Ray's thigh, it was clear Josh didn’t mind.

He sucked on Ray’s tongue, clinging like he had no higher ambition than letting Ray try to devour his mouth. “Ray,” he panted and Ray pulled back just enough to let him talk. It made his eyes cross to look at him from so close but he could barely bear even that much distance. Josh’s fingers clutched at his back hard enough to bruise and his face was red. “Clothes?”

For a moment Ray blinked at him, uncomprehending. He glanced around. “Being arrested doesn’t sound too hot,” he hedged. He couldn't quite tell how visible kneeling would make his growing belly. And even if wasn't too obvious, wouldn't Josh feel it...?

Josh half laughed, half groaned. “Can I see you?”

He shifted on his elbows, trying to find a way not to put too much weight on Josh. “Shirt stays on,” he decided. His eyes travelled down Josh’s neck to his open collar. He had the first three buttons of his dress shirt undone, exposing some of his light chest hair. Ray had seen him shirtless countless times, but he couldn’t keep from picturing following the trail much further south. “I want... I want to see you.”

Josh squeezed his eyes shut, shuddering under him. “You can see me all you want,” he breathed out and arched his hips in a languorous thrust that made Ray whimper and shove back without thinking.

This wasn’t handjobs, but if Josh was happy being a little flexible, Ray was too.

Josh had seemed shocked by how many things Ray had included in the list, but he’d said everything and he’d meant it. He’d only left out fucking for Josh’s sake. He didn’t know if he could ever enjoy the act after what had happened to him but he wasn’t willing to give it up without trying—especially if there was a way it would make heat feel less like an out of body experience.

Then Josh pulled on his right knee until he bent it further and Ray found himself kneeling over him. The reasoning became obvious when he felt the button of his jeans pop open. Josh stopped there, glancing up at him. But Ray didn’t want to follow a step by step program—he didn’t want Josh to be thinking about how fucked up he was while they were... This was about them and there was nothing fucked up about the way Josh made him feel. He pushed his cock into Josh’s hand and leaned forwards to swallow the sound his lover made when he felt how hard Ray was in his jeans.

Josh unzipped him and then he was sliding his hand into Ray’s underwear and taking hold of Ray’s dick—already leaking a little and hard enough he couldn’t hold back a sound of relief. Josh’s other hand tightened on his forearm, as if he could bring Ray closer somehow without smashing all their bones in the process. Ray thrust into his grip, not thinking about angles or the laws of physics, just wanting. He pulled his mouth away to lick at Josh’s teeth, then his chin, his neck, until Josh started wanking him in earnest and all he could do was clutch at his shoulders and tremble, panting so hard he could hardly get any air into his lungs as pleasure travelled up his spine—relentless and wild.

“Josh,” he said, or begged, or prayed, and clutched at him like he'd fall apart if he let go. He fell apart anyway, but Josh had his arms around him, steadying him.

His forehead was pressed against his mate’s—probably too hard—and he blinked to try and make his eyes adjust despite being too close. Josh’s eyes were open too but Ray couldn’t read his expression. It took a supernatural effort of will to push himself into a sitting position on Josh’s lap. He landed flush on Josh’s swollen cock.

Josh’s hips twitched, grinding up once before he stopped himself by going still as stone under Ray. Ray looked down, his cock was half-hard still and he’d made a right mess of Josh’s dress shirt. He could see the flush travelled all the way down from Josh’s cheeks to his chest. Josh's lips parted, maybe to ask, but Ray ground down, making him choke on whatever he'd been going to say. Ray did it again but Josh was stubborn and even though he couldn’t quite manage to keep his eyes open, he asked, “Was that okay?”

“Okay?” Ray repeated. He planted his palms on Josh’s pecs for leverage and ground his arse down with each word. “That. Was. Great.”

Josh tossed his head even as his hips rose to seek more contact. “Ray,” he panted. He was a dishevelled mess, shirt come-stained, starting to sweat with the effort and the heat between their bodies, eyelashes fluttering as he trembled under Ray’s touch. And it was for him. Ray wanted... “Please,” Josh begged in a raw, used voice.

Before he knew it, Ray was scooting further down until his knee was lodged in the V of Josh’s legs. He unzipped him and pushed the underwear out of the way. Closing his hand around Josh’s silky length was nearly as much as a relief for him as it seemed to be for his lover. Josh relaxed under him like his strings had been cut. He was throbbing in Ray’s hand, hard and perfectly still, and then he twisted right into the movement of Ray’s thumb on the head of his cock even as he pushed back against Ray’s knee pressing behind his still covered balls.

Ray would have liked to touch them, but there was no way he could stay upright without his left hand for support. Not with the way Josh was writhing under him, more and more desperate, never trying to take over but slowly losing control over his own body.

Just like Ray wanted him.

Josh clenched his eyes closed tight and whimpered as yet another thrust brought him closer to the end. His hands were digging down into the metal of the Jeep like was trying to keep himself from flying away— or from touching Ray himself. Fuck it, Ray thought and used his left hand to bring Josh’s right to his waist. He almost overbalanced before Josh’s eyes snapped open and his digits tightened on Ray’s waist.

“Touch me,” Ray demanded, feeling like he might break. Feeling like he couldn’t break because he was too damaged already.

But he wouldn’t let it. It wasn’t true.

Josh listened, but he was still careful. He still could be careful. It was what he wanted, Ray knew, to be sure he wouldn’t hurt Ray again. But... Ray squeezed his dick hard enough to get him moaning loud into the night above them, giving him that if he couldn’t give him more.

Josh’s other hand came up and tangled in Ray’s hair, bringing their mouths crashing together without any requests or patience—the need too great for anything else. Ray kissed him back hard, pushing his tongue into the warmth, familiar flavour if Josh’s mouth—smiling at the rush success it sent right through his veins and down to his bones. He was about to twist his wrist in the way he used to finish himself when he felt Josh start to come, pulse after pulse of alpha come coating his hand and splattering his own exposed cock as Ray milked him for it, pressing hard with his thighs to keep from being unmounted and kissing and licking anywhere he could find when Josh took his mouth away to breathe.

And just like that it was over. All Ray could smell was sex. He raised himself slightly to look Josh in the face and found him watching already, eyes wide and shocked. He shouldn’t have looked like that, Ray thought, and leaned back in and pressed a soft kiss to his mouth, almost a whisper, a caress, not a demand but an offer.

Josh opened his mouth and brushed his own lips against Ray’s, slow and easy, a little wet from earlier but mostly a game of tickling with their mouths. Ray forgot his hand was covered in come until he placed it against Josh’s beating heart over his shirt, and even then, it was hard to care because that was Josh’s heart. Beating hard for him, as if trying to overcome the limits of skin.

It was just a heart, of course, an organ like any other; it beating didn’t have anything to do with Ray. But Josh must have felt it too because his right hand slid under Ray’s shirt until it pressed to the exact spot on his back.

They kissed again, softer and then harder, shallow and then deep. Ray kept their lower halves apart, knowing Josh had to be too sensitive from coming still, but he just couldn’t pull away completely. Not yet, he needed... He touched Josh’s neck with his clean hand, then his face, as if he could read his features with his fingers, as if he could ever get enough of his skin.

It must have been longer than it seemed because the position started to hurt Ray’s neck, which he could never remember happening before. He rolled off Josh and then onto his side, shivering a little as it pressed the cold metal of the pickup against his side where his undone trousers had left his skin exposed. Josh put a hand on his shoulder and rubbed to warm him up. Ray smiled at him, at the absurdity of trying to ward off a cold November night with just your hands, at his friend’s need to try anyway.

“So what’s the verdict?” Josh asked, eyes bright.

“Well...” He tried to shrug and the awkward result made Josh snort. “Not bad. Could use some practice,” he added, meeting Josh’s eyes and licking his lips.

That made Josh laugh out loud. His breath still smelled of sausage and Ray’s stomach chose that moment to loudly remind him that snacks weren’t dinner.

Josh was still laughing as Ray grumbled and rolled away; tucking himself in so he could reach for the takeaway Chinese they’d left in the corner and misuse the napkins to clean himself up a little.

“Goddess, you must be about to faint,” he teased, throwing his third—or was it fourth?—balled up napkin towards the back of the Jeep. “You must lose half of your body’s protein every time you jerk it.”

Josh snorted and when Ray turned back around to set the containers down, he was pulling his button-down off over his shoulders, leaving himself in only a basic muscle shirt that did nothing to hide his pert nipples. Ray’s mouth watered. “You are going to be cold,” he said inanely.

“Better than being covered in jizz,” his friend said, making Ray shiver. He probably wouldn’t even be that cold: wolves were acclimated to cold weather and a lot of it translated when they were in two feet. Josh crawled closer and Ray started to turn to pass him the chow mein, but his friend didn’t try to get the food, just pressed himself against Ray’s side, shoulders together and backs to the front seats divider.

Ray gave him a bemused look. “Leeching off your body heat,” Josh explained with a too serious expression that did nothing to disguise the way his heartbeat had skipped.

Ray would have liked to figure out what that expression meant, but he was way too hungry to resist his own food. He gave Josh his own so at least he wouldn’t watch him eat but when he’d gulfed down about half his rice and looked up, his friend quickly looked away. “What?”

“Nothing.” Except it was clearly something, obvious enough even without the heartbeat skip.

“It was really good,” Ray said seriously. “You are not worried about... I mean, you liked it, right?” he asked a little uncertainly. He was just realising that it wasn’t just his own first time without the wolves running the show.

Josh shot him an incredulous look. “Something like that,” he said a little cuttingly. “As in: it was fucking amazing and it was just...” He waved a hand a little, sending a noodle flying.

“So what’s with the face?” Ray asked and made himself eat another mouthful and actually chew it this time.

Josh seemed to need the time because he kept eating too. It wasn’t a tense silence, exactly. Ray knew things were going okay and with Josh, he knew they would be okay. Sure, it had taken them a while to get on the same page, but now that they were...

“It’s stupid, but I’m worried about freaking out when...” He exhaled, controlled and slow. “When I see you with them.”

Ray winced. He didn’t know why he hadn’t seen it coming. Of course the wolves didn’t care about sharing their mate, but Josh, the man... And there was nothing Ray could say to that, no reassurances to offer. He just couldn’t give Josh that.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, fumbling to put down the Tupperware before he dropped it.

“What?” Josh sounded startled, then Ray felt a tentative hand on his arm. “Ray, why are you apologizing?”

“I—” He shrugged. He could hardly apologize for being an omega, or any of the consequences, could he? But he still felt responsible somehow for the doubt in Josh’s voice.

His mate tugged at his arm until Ray turned his body towards him. Josh’s other hand came up to touch the side of his neck—he must have put his food down somewhere, Ray thought—and slowly massaged... the mark. The bite. No, the bites. Josh traced each of them in turn, then lingered on his own. Ray swallowed thickly, his throat muscles pushing against Josh’s fingers. “I didn’t mean it like that,” Josh said, hushed and grave. “I’m not... I’m not asking you for anything.”

“But you want— You don’t want me to—”

“I don’t, but I think you should.”

Ray startled and Josh barely kept his grip. “What?”

“Not like that!” Josh said at once, and pulled back his hand like he’d just remembered Ray did indeed bite. “You should do what... whatever you want, whatever comes naturally.”

Ray froze for a moment, unsure if he had cause to be offended. Or if Josh was even talking about him or his wolf. Josh knew Ray had very little choice when it came to what the omega wolf needed, so he probably... “Is this about... about Sergi?”

Josh frowned, then shrugged and leaned back a little to look him in the face. Ray clenched his fingers to keep himself from reaching out. “Not really. I mean, I don’t...” He swallowed. “I don’t like that you went to him first, alright? I can’t help it. I thought—”

“It couldn’t be you.”

“I know, I said I wouldn’t.”

“No,” Ray insisted, shaking his head. “It couldn’t be you, even if you had said yes. And you were right to say no. I was... I was a right mess, I thought I might cry, or break down. I didn’t want... I didn’t want to be with you like that, when I—”

Josh was frowning. “Why not? You have seen me cry, what’s the big deal?”

Ray exhaled, lowering his eyes to his own lap. “You.”

“I’m... the big deal?” Josh asked slowly. He sounded like he expected Ray to deny it.

“Yes,” he admitted. “And this is a big deal, and if... if I couldn’t, if I was going to freak out, I wanted to know before I started it. I didn’t want to... to promise, I guess, and then...”

He felt the heat of Josh’s fingers next to his cheek, not touching until Ray raised his eyes to meet his, and then only brushing gently again his cheekbone, the contours of his face, his chin... He licked his lips, not quite sure what he was seeing on Josh’s face. “I don’t need you to promise me anything, especially not sex. If you never... If you ever want to stop this, I won’t... Well, I will mind, but I will want you to. I swear. I don’t want to touch you just because you are beautiful, I want... I want to show you what I feel. I want to know...” He inhaled sharply and pressed his fingertips behind Ray’s ear, not pulling him closer, just touching as if he needed to make sure he was there beyond the shadow pull of desire. “If sex is ever not in the package, I’ll take it. No questions asked, just... Fuck, Ray, you have to know, if the package is fuck off to Antarctica and get one letter a year, I’ll take it too.”

“You think I won’t?” Ray asked softly. “I—I can live with less, if I have to. But I... If I can, if I’m not too—” broken. He cut himself off mostly for Josh’s sake. “I want more. I want everything.”

Josh watched him, wide eyed and shocked. Like he hadn’t known. Ray couldn’t stand it, he took hold of Josh’s ratty white undershirt and pulled him close enough to kiss, soft but also desperate, raw with emotion and achingly needy. Josh didn’t make him wait, licking into his mouth and pulling Ray along as he fell onto his back.

Ray smelled the garlic as the chow mein spilled and didn’t care. It had to be somewhere underneath Josh’s body but his friend didn’t object either. He pushed a leg between Josh’s and rolled their hips together, easier this time, with more time for the scenic route. He loved Josh under him, he thought, remembering Alec’s questions.

But he didn’t want that now. He rolled off him and tugged him onto his side, face to face, their matching height slotting their bodies together exactly. Josh blinked pupil-blown eyes at him, flushed and delectable. “Want to try ticking off another item off the list?” Ray offered.

Josh stiffened a little, looking down between their bodies. “Rubbing off?”

“Yes,” Ray confirmed, and lowered his own zipper before doing Josh’s, making sure to brush his knuckles against the bulge there before bringing out his erection. His friend shuddered in his grip and dropped his forehead to Ray’s shoulder. “Hey, what’s this?” Ray teased. “Lay back and think of England? Give me a hand.”

Josh chuckled against his throat, warm puffs of breath in the cold of the night. He sneaked a hand down, nudging between their bodies to help Ray align their cocks even as he shifted his hips forwards and pushed their shirts out of the way until they were pressed together between their bellies. Ray had to stop breathing for a second when he felt Josh’s fingers brush against the increasingly noticeable bump in his middle. He exhaled. Josh’s hand migrated to Ray’s lower back to pull him into the roll of their hips.

It felt... Hot, and a little too dry but getting wetter with each slide against Josh’s belly and Ray forgot about anything with his own that wasn’t quite right.

He couldn’t think: he was too lost in Josh’s mouth and the heat of his precome—as copious as his semen—starting to form a delicious mess between them as Ray hooked a leg behind Josh’s knee and locked them together into a battle that could only end in victory.

They lost track of kissing, and found it again, on each others' ears and necks and chins. And then they found the end of the path: Ray’s body couldn’t hold all the sensations any longer; and the world was too hot and too cold at once, and he was shuddering in Josh’s arms as they fell apart together.

Josh’s arm was too toned to make a great pillow, but Ray snuggled close anyway—after the heat they’d generated, the night air was starting to get to him and he didn’t have any fur on at the moment.

“Antarctica is off, then,” he decided.

“Yeah?” Josh asked sleepily.

“Yeah," Ray promised with a kiss to his throat. "The way you smell right now you’d be polar bear food for sure.”

“That good?” Josh asked and Ray could only laugh. “I guess you better keep me around,” he added, a whisper of his lips against Ray’s hair.