Ray was aware of Josh at once—in fact, he'd identified the particular rumblings of the Jeep's engine long before it was visible—but he didn't feel the need to acknowledge him. Ray was guarding his pack and Josh wasn't a threat.

Iesu had rubbed Ray's head on his way in, and Sergi had simply gone inside and got him some water in a soup bowl, but Josh paused for a significant long time. Ray tilted his head in his direction, more ear than eye. It was pretty hard to tell facial expressions with a wolf's brain but Josh did not smell happy. When Ray didn't move, his alpha huffed. "Okay, then."

He pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the wooden porch besides Ray. Then unhooked his tennis without untying the laces in the way Ray's mum had always complained about—Josh's own mum likely didn't much care—and unhooked the button of his jeans. Before Ray knew it, he was completely naked.

It wasn't like the wolf had any interest in the human body, either, but it was their mate. He stood up as Josh shoved his clothes into a corner and turned around only to fall on four already formed paws. He darted closer and bit Ray's ear—not hard enough to break skin but painful anyway. Then he took off.

Ray didn't think, he just reacted to the challenge and followed. Josh had the head start but Ray was faster so it wasn't long before he could shove his whole body against his mate's and make him stumble. Josh turned around and tangled their legs together, sending Ray crashing to the ground with him and snipping playfully until he managed to get on top of him. Ray snapped right back—a wolf's kind of submission more than allowed for play fighting with his alpha, it encouraged it. An alpha wolf was meant to assert his power over omegas and betas and this kind of struggle was both the precursor to real fights and what ensured they didn't take place.

Ray pretended to go limp under Josh and used his surprise as a decoy to shove him off and ran away, this time with Josh following instead.

He didn't know for how long they chased each other like pups, but it was pretty dark by the time they made it to the lake and stopped to drink. And then they had to catch something to eat, of course.

It was lucky their birth pack had let loose a fair number of rabbits and took care to keep the population down even when they could have simply bought tastier meat. It wasn't as plentiful as a deer—which they purchased alive from a slaughterhouse—but it worked better for small groups. Hunting a deer with only one other wolf would have been like asking for a swift kick to the head and, accelerated healing or not, Ray knew from personal experience that concussions still fucking hurt.

He nearly didn't notice Josh was leading him towards the body of trees they called a forest for lack of a better descriptor, but he stopped between two big oaks and whined and his mate gave up the idea. He surprised Ray by coming closer and nuzzling his neck. Ray responded in kind; he was well-fed and happy and he knew his other mates were home with their pups. He wanted— Josh stepped back and shifted. He ended up sitting buck naked on the grass, blinking fast to try and regain some of the clarity of night vision his wolf eyes had provided. Ray thought he was going to be asked to shift back too, but Josh just crawled over to the nearest trunk and leaned against it before opening his arms in invitation, so Ray went and allowed himself to be coaxed into his lap. "Mmm..." Josh sighed. "You are so warm."

Ray licked his ear, startling him into something very close to a giggle. Josh's grip tightened around him—strong and solid—and Ray settled, happy to give into the soft pleasure of Josh's fingers behind his ears.

He was nearly asleep when his friend spoke again. "I have to tell you something," he said softly—his mouth was so closed to Ray's ear that he could have probably heard his thoughts with a little effort—and Ray tensed. "Shhhh..." Josh said, almost an admonishment. "It's okay. You have a choice to make, but whatever you choose, it's okay."

He let the silent stand, rubbing Ray's side with his other hand and giving his heart time to slow down again. "Alec can end the pregnancy," Josh said a little too fast. He held on fast when Ray tried to move, but only for a short moment. He then let him spring away.

Ray didn't go far though, because he suddenly was tangled up in his own clumsy legs. He hadn't shifted unintentionally in a long time, and now he'd nearly not noticed. He turned to stare at Josh, still kneeling on the ground. "What?"

"He can..." Josh stopped. "If you want, he can do it. While you are shifted."

The reasoning was quite obvious; when Ray was shifted into a wolf now, Alec would be able to access... "Because I'm a bitch." He was used to it, now, he realised. Somehow in the months since he’d given birth—had it really been months?—he’d forgotten the feel of his own genitals in wolf form.

Josh nodded tightly, his whole expression shuttered. Not that it did much to hide his unhappiness from Ray.

He had been doing his best not to think about the baby growing inside him—Nicholas' baby—and now he truly had no choice. He could... He could forget it had ever happened, he could erase all evidence.

Except if he could forget it—the blood spilling freely down Nicholas neck when the alpha was still buried inside him, the absolute helplessness of having someone else's will push aside his own, the way no amount of washing could ever be enough... If he could have forgotten that, even half of it, a child would not have been such a burden.

And yet, the child was the only thing he had any control over. Alec was going to follow through on his promise and break his vows for real—hurt someone instead of heal them. Maybe he thought of it as healing Ray. But Ray knew Alec well enough to see any kind of violence, even the type performed upon an unresisting half-formed being, would cost him dearly.

He thought about having his body belong to him again, empty of all reminders. Clean of all evidence of his betrayal—to his alphas and to himself—and... he wanted it. He’d wanted it for as long as he’d been an omega. To be himself again, to be free. From instinct, and responsibility, and fear.

But of course it wasn’t possible. Presentation was irreversible.

"I can't," he said even as he realised it. "I want to, but—" He met Josh’s eyes, brimming with sympathy, and had to look away. “If it... If I’m no longer pregnant and there’s no child, I’ll go into heat,” he explained.

Josh inhaled sharply. “Maybe... Maybe not. We should ask—”

He shook his head. “No,” he managed. He couldn’t hear any more, he couldn’t bear any false hopes. “I’m not... I’m not going to do it.” He was breathing hard and suddenly profoundly aware that he was naked. That they were naked. He brought his knees up against his torso and tried to slow down his breathing. He was safe. Josh was safe.

“Okay,” his alpha agreed softly. “It’s your choice,” he repeated. It was. At least in name. It was a choice, anyway. Not the choice he wanted to make, but  maybe the one he’d regret less. Except... what if the baby looked like Nicholas? If it was a boy... “Ray?” Josh asked. He was holding himself very still over by the trunk. “Just tell me. I don’t care what it is, tell me.”

“I just... I don’t know if I can do it,” he admitted, clutching at his knees and trying not to be sick. “Keep it, I mean. I don’t— I don’t want to hurt it. It’s not the baby’s fault, but... What am I going to do? Who... How am I going to explain when it grows up and how—” He stopped because he couldn’t breathe and suddenly he had a hundred pounds of fur pushing into his arms. He dug his fingers in and closed his eyes tight as Josh pressed close, warm and heavy, an anchor that wouldn’t let Ray get lost.

He breathed in the scent of his mate, of safety and comfort, and Josh licked up his tears when they fell and whined softly in place of words he couldn’t form until Ray managed to get his breathing back under control. The wolf pulled away slightly, tilting his head at an awkward angle and tugging a little to get free—nowhere near enough to actually manage it—and Ray realised he was asking for permission. He nodded and made his hands unclench.

Josh was kneeling in front of him, hands crossed modestly across his lap like he thought Ray wouldn’t be able to stand seeing him naked. It was crazy because he was only half wrong. “Ray,” he said, and when Ray didn’t turn to look at him he stretched himself awkwardly so that his fingers could trace Ray’s cheek. Ray couldn’t help but look up and meet his eyes. “Any child of yours is mine, and I would be honoured if you want to tell this baby they are a little more Scottish than they are.”

Ray stared at him, heart fluttering in his throat, mouth suddenly dry. He frowned a little, too shocked to really comprehend the words. “You—”

Josh nodded and rubbed his thumb over Ray’s earlobe before pulling his hand back. His eyes seemed to shine in the moonlight, but that wasn’t why Ray couldn’t look away. This wasn’t magic. It had nothing to do with instinct. An alpha’s instincts were to mate and protect its children—this was entirely human. This was just Josh, being Josh and protecting Ray at all costs. Giving Ray anything he might need even if it cost Josh too much. Ray turned his head away, shaking it already. “I can’t ask you that.”

“You didn’t ask me,” Josh pointed out reasonably.

“What if I can’t do it?” Ray countered instead. “What if I look at them and all I see—” He didn’t want to say Nicholas’ name aloud. He never wanted to see it again—he’d even unfriended the one person from secondary school who shared it on Facebook.

Maybe Josh could feel him retreating because his hand was suddenly on Ray’s, holding tight. “Then you don’t have to. I’m sure your mum will take them in, or—”

“My mum?” Ray repeated. “You think she doesn’t have enough with her own children?”

“Okay, so not your mum, but we can find someone else, there’s—”

“You want me to do this?” Ray dared to ask. Josh was silent.

“I will support you no matter what.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Josh looked down, he seemed... ashamed. He exhaled. “It’s... it’s a baby. Your baby. I—I don’t know what it’s like, to be pregnant, and I... I wish you weren’t. But I will love them, no matter who their father is, because they are yours.”

“You will...” Ray repeated. He didn’t think the choice of tenses was intentional but maybe Josh had heard something in his voice, a certainty underneath all the questioning.

His head snapped up, eyes worried like he thought Ray was criticizing him.

He was talking about loving a child born out of the most horrifying event of Ray’s life—and it couldn’t rank very high in Josh’s. But he wasn’t talking about loving Ray. Not anymore.

He’d said he did. But that had been before. Now Josh was sitting naked with him in the middle of the wilderness and the only reason he seemed concerned about Ray’s nakedness was because he didn’t want to freak him out.

And he was right. Because sure, Ray had rubbed off against Sergi, who’d been extra careful to follow Ray’s lead at all times, but that didn’t mean he was ready.

It was yet another reason he couldn’t accept Alec’s offer. If he went into heat now, he'd have to decide which of his alphas he wanted to father a child with.

And how could they refuse him even if they didn’t want to touch him after he’d been under a strange alpha? Josh had said he loved Ray and now he didn't even want to have sex with Ray once to seal a mutual bond. Asking him would be as close to forcing him as an omega could come to forcing an alpha.

He wasn’t sure what would happen once the baby was born, but he knew with bone chilling certainty that he couldn’t ask.

Not when he wouldn’t know if it would be freely given.

It was just the kind of person Josh was. And Ray loved him for it, but right now he couldn’t be sure if Josh’s actions were kindness, or an act of love—an honest reflection of his feelings or just... pity.

He tugged at his hand in Josh’s grip and Josh let go. “I will speak with Alec,” he said, just to say something. He didn’t want Josh to think he was angry, or disappointed, or... heartbroken.

When he shifted, Josh didn’t follow, so he headed back on his own, trotting at first and then flat out running, suddenly desperate to get back home.

&

Ray didn’t talk to Alec. But to his surprise, Alec decided to talk to him for the second time that week. Ray was in his bedroom again—it was just easier that way, if he could be alone, if he didn’t need to pretend...

His alpha was clearly determined, but he was still standing stiffly by Ray’s doorway—Ray would have bet he’d only closed the door for the sake of Ray’s privacy.

“Josh said... He said you didn't want to do it. But I have to ask you, if I'm your doctor... I have to ask you.” He must have felt Ray’s expression was doubt instead of surprised because he quickly added, “It isn't that I don't trust Josh!”

“I get it,” Ray said. “But he told you the truth, I don’t want to get rid of it, can't, really.”

“I know I'm not a vet, but I'm sure I can—”

“And then I will go into heat,” Ray interrupted with a sigh. He hadn’t wanted to have this conversation once—to be asked to have it twice...

Alec swallowed. "Eventually yes, but it shouldn't happen all at once. It—your body will need to get back to the beginning of the cycle first.”

“Alec,” Ray said gently, “I need all the time I can get.”

The next pause was even longer, and then he admitted, “If you are sure going through with the pregnancy won't make you feel worse, then I'm glad.”

Ray didn’t have the energy to feel irritated at that—he’d have loved to be sure. Hell, he’d have taken a reasonable hope that he was making the right choice. All he had was reasons not to do it. “I'm not sure of anything. But I think I will regret this less.”

Alec couldn’t stand that uncertainty, naturally. “Do you want... Is there anything I can do?”

And there was one thing Ray needed to know, too. “You could tell me it's a girl,” he requested.

Alec’s pulse jumped and he swallowed nervously. “I can try to test you, like we test human... humans.”

“I would like that,” Ray said quietly.

“We might have to send it to lab,” Alec said thoughtfully.

“Is that dangerous? For the pack?”

“What? No, they will just think sample is contaminated, if they even bother to look at what the machine tells them.”

Ray licked his lips. “And it won't cost money?”

Alec thought about that for a few moments. “No,” he said in the end, “I can get it done for free through the clinic.”

Ray nodded.

“If you don’t... Just because you have it, you don’t have to keep it. Someone could take it if—”

“I know!” Ray bit out. Too sharply.

Alec didn’t back down, though. He gave Ray a moment to calm down and then asked, “Can I tell you something?”

Ray glanced up at him, unsure and scared. And a little angry too, because it was almost harder to have to choose this. To have to be responsible for his own pain and discomfort and the way he wanted to crawl out of his own skin and showering had become a shameful obligation. But Alec was truly asking. He'd go away if Ray said no, and yet... He remembered telling Alec that they were too different and that he didn't really know him. He remembered tearing into him just because Alec had been forced to tell him a truth he hadn’t been able to bear hearing.

He nodded again.

Alec exhaled, not looking all that relieved, but he licked his lips and started speaking anyway, measuredly, like he was choosing every word very carefully before sharing it with Ray. “I have been... I have been dealing with this all my life. I know it’s not easy. I don’t... I don’t have anything that made me like this, and you do, I’m not saying... It’s not the same, but we both need things. Help.” He stopped, looking away. “I don’t blame you for being depressed.”

“Depressed?” Ray repeated. He wouldn't deny he was, but Alec? He didn't seem sad, just... worried.

“And angry," Alec added, clearly thinking of Ray. "You are right, it’s all...wrong. It’s wrong for you and wrong for us.”

“You said you have been like this, like what?”

“Anxious,” Alec said softly. “I am. I have chronic anxiety, and... I don’t know what else. I’m okay, but I’m not normal.”

Ray stared at him, then shook his head, momentarily distracted by the turmoil he saw in every line of his mate’s body and face. “That’s... But... I mean, aren’t we supposed to be healthy?”

Alec vacillated, then he shrugged. “Maybe I’m broken, maybe it’s not true.”

"You can't be broken if you were born like this," Ray pointed out. "Maybe you are just different, like your eyes."

"My eyes?" Alec repeated.

Ray shrugged. "They are golden?"

Alec blinked at him, seemingly shocked by this information. "Um, I always thought they were a weird hazel."

Ray snorted. "It's weird as in it's very rare, but it's a beautiful colour."

"Oh," Alec said. "Um, thanks."

Ray nodded, then made himself ask, more for Alec’s sake than his own, "How do you... How do you do it? Deal with it?"

"I guess...” Ray caught him turning away, towards the corridor, but he didn’t leave. “I try not to freak out, “And when I know I will anyway, I walk away, go hide in my room." He sounded oddly calm as he described it—like it was a method tried and true, not...

“I was okay before,” Ray said, so frustrated he had to dig his fingers into his palms to keep his voice even. He couldn’t imagine having a method. He couldn’t imagine feeling this way long enough to need one.

"Then maybe... Maybe you try and do the things you did when you were okay?" Alec suggested almost timidly. "Like drawing?"

"Oh, fuck, I never got back to Yamila about the portrait," Ray realised. "I'm such an idiot!" He got off the bed and started rummaging around his desk.

"Ray," Alec called softly. "It's normal to make mistakes when you are particularly stressed."

"Well, then I'm always going to be a fuck up, aren't I?" Ray responded bitterly. He couldn't find his phone anywhere.

Until it started ringing from across the room. When Ray turned around, Alec had it in his hand. He hung up and watched Ray. "It'll be okay," he told him and he believed it.

“I’m not— I still don’t... Like, I believe you, but—”

“I always expect things to go wrong,” Alec explained, looking down at the phone. “Even though they only go wrong about half the time. But for you... well, they have gone wrong a lot, haven’t they? Of course your brain is going to tell you to be worried. It’s what keeps you alive, being worried and careful. Too careful, but it beats the alternative.”

“I don’t think I can—” Ray started and then cut himself off.

Alec leaned took a step closer, then, when Ray didn’t object, another, close enough that he could slowly extended his right hand and place it on top of Ray’s. He gave it a beat before squeezing, then turned it and placed the phone on it. “Do you remember when we talked about why you were an omega and not an alpha?” Ray nodded, stiff because a part of him wanted to lean closer. He remembered Alec holding him, too. “You have been taking care of other people all your life, Ray. You need to look after yourself. If you need to end this pregnancy to do that, you have a right to.”

Ray flinched. “I can’t,” he said again, voice thready. “I really, really want to. But...It’s not the baby’s fault.”

“Okay,” Alec said softly. “I’m not trying to... I don’t really want to do it, either,” he admitted. “But I love you and I want to take care of you. And—I know what it’s like when you can’t get out of your own head, when you can’t breathe because you can’t stop thinking about something that makes you feel so awful you want to stop breathing.”

Ray sniffed, hiding his face into his chin. “I want to be okay,” he blurted out. “But I don’t think I can. I can’t... I don’t know how I can go back and...”

Alec squeezed his hand again and took a step closer, pausing before he placed his arm around Ray. Ray leaned into the embrace and Alec gathered him close, gentle at first and then fiercer. Intent. “We will figure it out," he promised.

And Ray closed his eyes and tried to believe him.