Ray woke first. He immediately wished he hadn’t.

Not because of the dried come everywhere, including stuck all over his genitals and belly, but because this was it. Josh would wake up and Ray would have to look at him and... He still remembered how he’d felt when Josh had first seen him in the hall, and how humiliated he’d felt after his first time. If Josh...

“Ray?” Josh asked in a whisper and Ray startled to see his eyes were open. “Why are you—Are you okay?”

Ray’s heart was thundering in his chest and it took him a moment to filter out the sound of Josh’s, steady and slow. Ray searched his face for something and Josh’s mouth turned down. “Hey,” he said. He didn’t give Ray time to move, curling his fingers around his back to keep him in place and bringing his other hand to Ray’s neck. “It’s okay,” he promised. “I mean...” He stopped, eyes flickering over Ray’s face. “I’m okay, you—” He exhaled and slowly pulled his hand away. “You can move if you want,” he offered in a small voice.

“What?” Ray said, his own arm around Josh tightened involuntarily. “I don’t.”

Josh glanced up, hand hovering between them and Ray couldn’t handle it anymore, he leaned forwards and pushed his face against Josh’s neck, tightening his arm around Josh to bring their torsos back together. He didn’t care about the mess, and if Josh wanted to push him away... Well, he damn well could.

Josh’s arm returned, circling his back and tugging at him until he was half on top of his mate. “You were worried about me?” he asked into Ray’s ear, quietly enough it must have been an effort.

Ray nodded into his shoulder. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t think he could.

“You don’t have to be. It was— It was really good. Crazy hot and—” Josh cut himself off and his heart jumped beneath Ray’s cheek. “I love you,” he whispered. He had to hear the way Ray’s pulse spiked at that but maybe he didn’t understand because he kept talking. “I don’t... I don’t know if you are there, or—” He’d lowered his eyes, like he couldn’t bear to meet Ray’s eyes. “I understand if it’s not—” Ray lifted his head, trying to pull away and Josh didn’t resist, releasing him at once.

Ray hadn’t expected it and he fell, but he finally managed to get to disentangle himself and sit back on his knees. Josh pulled the arm he’d had under Ray’s body back to curl against his own chest. He didn’t seem relieved to get it back.

“Are you serious?” Ray asked in a hoarse voice. It came out all wrong, too harsh, too loud, and Josh flinched a little, curling up further. “No!” Ray said at once, wanting to reach out, to take hold of him and shake until he understood. But touch hadn’t been enough. He’d thought if they did this, if they shared their bodies, it’d be obvious that... “I mean, I love you too. I have—I have loved you for as long as I can remember. I mean—”

But Josh didn’t let him finish, he raised his eyes to Ray’s, getting his elbow under himself but not trying to sit up yet. “I’m in love with you,” he said, like a dare, like he expected...

“I know,” Ray said. “You have to be: you are my fucking soulmate.”

Josh gaped a little, eyes wide but unsure; and Ray couldn’t bear it anymore, he leaned back down and sealed their mouths together. He made the kiss soft, almost too gentle for everything that was raging inside him. But he could be careful if Josh needed it, he could go slow and show him. He could prove himself, like a knight to a lady, careful and slow because he knew his path was true. Because Josh loved him. He’d known before, in a way, but it was different to hear it. It was crazy how it made him feel like he’d explode with it—a joy burning bright and dangerous, like it might as easily tear him apart as lift him up.

Josh’s hand came up to him at once, pulling him closer, demanding it all. Ray groaned as Josh’s tongue invaded his mouth, muscles going slack under the heat of his body. He’d only meant to be sweet but his knee bent of its own accord and fit perfectly between Josh’s legs. The heat of Josh’s erection burned against Ray’s inner thigh, Josh’s abs brushing tantalisingly against Ray’s own cock, no matter how much he tried to push up into it.

But even they needed to breathe. Josh’s mouth was red from kissing and it only made Ray want to kiss him some more—mark him up so that everyone would know. And then he became aware of the rest of Josh’s body, no longer so pliant in his arms and shaking a little on top of him. On top of him. The words echoed in Ray’s brain like thunder and when he shuddered, Josh lifted his lower body away from him, trying to move away.

But...

“No.” Ray dug his fingers into Josh’s hips, inhaled and exhaled, taking stock of his body. Josh was tense as a wire on top of him, body ready to jerk away but letting Ray keep him close for now. It didn’t feel anything like... like Nicholas. Ray wasn’t on the ground, dirty and aching, he didn’t fear for his family’s lives, and he was most definitely willing.

Josh’s body was on top of him, but the part he cared about was Josh. The position didn’t matter.

Ray wasn’t sure he could bear it, but he knew he couldn’t ask for this without trying. He looked up and met his mate’s eyes, let him see his trepidation and his desire both, and then he licked his lips and asked, “Kiss me?”

“Ray.” Josh fell into him like a man starved, pressing short, clumsy kisses to his mouth until Ray managed to get hold of him and slow him down with long, indulgent sucks on his tongue as his hands roamed freely over Josh’s back and buttocks.

They kissed for minutes, or centuries, faster and slower—their arousal fluctuating like the tide; their need for each other as steady as the sun.

They’d taken the edge off things earlier and now their bodies gave way to needs much deeper than pleasure.

But there was still something Ray wanted. If they were going to do this—being who they were in and knowing what they knew about the future. “Josh?” he asked when his mate’s lips were occupied on his neck.

Josh made a humming noise against his skin. After a moment he pulled himself up, letting Ray breathe easier. He was stupidly beautiful, eyes dark, lips red from all the kissing, and Ray wanted to paint the pleasure-drunk expression on his face a thousand times—even knowing he’d never fully capture it.

“What?” Josh asked.

“Will you...?” He swallowed, feeling trapped all of sudden and forcing himself to stay still under his friend’s warm weight. Josh would move if he asked, and it wouldn’t help; it wasn’t Josh’s body making Ray feel flayed open. “I want...”

“Yes,” Josh said when Ray couldn’t make himself continue.

Ray’s eyes flew to his and they stared at each other.

“But...” He pushed himself up, slowly enough that Ray could have brought him back down if he’d wanted. But Ray let him sit up instead until he was pressed to his side, leaning over Ray’s prone body and carefully pushing his sweaty hair away from his forehead. “Do you really want to?”

Ray rolled the other way, away from his touch and his eyes. He didn’t want to hide, exactly, but he needed a moment to pull himself back together. He still wasn’t looking at Josh when he answered, “I don’t know.”

It was the truth, he could hear it. And even without looking, he could feel the pain it caused his mate to hear it. He sat up and made himself turn around, bending his own legs between their bodies. “I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. “I shouldn’t have—”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Josh cut him off. “But you do. You are not apologizing to me for something that isn’t your choice at all.”

“I could ask—” Ray started to offer.

“No!” Josh growled. His eyes widened as soon as the words were out. “I mean... Please don’t, I— I can do it.”

Ray frowned. “But you don’t want to.”

Josh’s face fell. “Oh, Ray, don’t you get it? I don’t want you to have to go through with it. After everything... I—It’s not fair.”

Ray snorted. “Fair?” he echoed, he crossed his arms over his middle, even though Josh was too close to look at him and wouldn’t anyway. “When has anything been fair?”

“I...” Josh hunched forward. “Never,” he agreed finally. “But I want to make it... As good as it can be. I want... If you let me, I want to be there for you. I want to take care of you.”

“I don’t need—” Ray started to say, but Josh didn’t let him finish.

“I know you don’t need me,” he said bitterly. “But I need you. I need to know you are okay.”

Ray sighed, “You are an idiot,” he said softly. “Of course I need you.” He reached out and gave him a sharp tap on the shoulder. “I don’t need you to put yourself through this for me.”

Josh glared at him. “I’m the idiot?” he asked. “You think I want you to ask one of them to—to be your first?

“It won’t be my first.” Ray shook his head. “This was my first.” Josh’s anger melted away. He licked his lips, but didn’t speak. “And what does it matter anyway? All the fuss about the first time is stupid. It’s not the order that makes it good, is it?”

“No, but...” Josh swallowed, looking away for a moment before finding the strength to raise his eyes to Ray’s. “This time is important; you are... I’m scared it won’t be good and then you will think it can’t.”

“It looked like it was pretty good for you.”

“It was,” Josh said fervently. He reached out and placed his right hand right on Ray’s pulse point, cupping Ray’s face and neck like words weren’t enough. Ray started a little but Josh gave him time to relax without pulling away. “And... I want to give you that, too. What you did for me. I want to make you feel... I want to make you feel like there is no one else in the fucking world, like you are my everything.”

Ray stared at him, heart battering in his chest. He had to swallow to be able to speak. “You will. But if it’s... It doesn’t have to be now. When—” He cut himself off.

Josh shook his head. “You can talk about it,” he bit out.

“Can I?” Ray checked, frowning a little. He didn’t think Josh was lying but his pulse had got faster, like he was upset.

“Sergi’s your mate too,” Josh replied, not meeting his eyes.

“Yes, but he’s not...” My choice, he thought. But it wasn’t fair because Ray had chosen to ask Sergi to stay, even if the circumstances had been beyond fucked up. “He is not my First Alpha,” he said instead. “You don’t... Are you... are you jealous?” Josh dipped his chin, shrugging a little, his tanned skin shinning in the soft light of the half-moon. He’d admitted as much in the Jeep already, but still it made Ray’s head spin a little. “Gabriel told me he wasn’t going to... He didn’t expect our relationship to be sexual anymore.”

Josh’s head snapped up, heart jumping as well. “What?”

“If... If I don’t want to,” Ray explained carefully. “And if we... If the wolves don’t make us, then it’s my choice. Gabriel... He said he won’t even ask. He said none of them will.”

“But he’s your mate,” Josh said, voice going high and thready. “You—”

“He’s not the one I want,” Ray said firmly. “You don’t have to be jealous.” Josh was watching him like he’d never seen him before, like he was a mirage in the desert, or an apparition. “And you don’t have to fuck me,” he added with more courage than he knew he had.

Josh shook his head, not refusing as much as trying to communicate his confusion. “But... I don’t get it.”

“It’s your choice, too,” Ray reminded him. “If that isn’t something you want, you don’t have to fuck me just to— to make sure it goes okay. Or to make me...” He licked his lips, uncertain; it was harder to say the words now. “To make me love you.”

His heart twisted when Josh abruptly pulled away and rolled off the bed. “But you need it!”

Ray dragged one of the pillows over his middle but stayed put. “No, I don’t. Not now.”

Josh turned to him, so frustrated it was almost possible to miss that he was stark naked. “What about when you do?”

“That’s your choice too,” Ray replied. He’d say it as many times as he needed to. He’d say it to Josh and to every one of his alphas—he wasn’t going to make someone else feel the way he felt when the Moon rose and the wolf’s need took over. “I will ask and you can—”

“No,” Josh cut him off, like he couldn’t even hear the words. “Don’t...” He had to stop to breathe in and out but Ray didn’t try to speak again. “I will be your First Alpha. I said so, and I want to. I... It’s not... I’m afraid of hurting you again,” he admitted at last, shoulders falling. He still met Ray’s eyes straight on, his own shining with unshed tears. “But I’m not going to let that stop me.”

Ray swallowed, then offered flatly, “Well, that’s... hot.”

Josh snorted a laugh that sounded a little wet and Ray felt his weight dip the bed as he crawled back to him. Ray took him by the shoulders, searching his face. “You can freak out, and stop. You promised me you would tell me, remember?”

“If you tell me,” Josh replied, a little too seriously. “You got yourself a deal.”

Ray nodded, letting his hands trail down Josh’s biceps. “Would you...?” He glanced down. “Can you make me... ready?”

Josh tensed under his hands. “You don’t want lube?”

He thought for a moment, then shook his head. “It’s my body, I want to fucking enjoy it for once.”

“Okay.” Josh kissed his cheek and leaned back. “Lay back a little,” he asked, guiding Ray down with little, flickering kisses to his face and neck. “I’m going to touch you there,” he announced. Ray almost objected to the special treatment but held his tongue. Josh was scared of this too; he had a right to his own comforts—it cost Ray nothing but a little embarrassment to indulge him.

He closed his eyes, letting himself have that much, and felt Josh bend his knees. The pillow got trapped between them and his chest, and Ray clutched at it but didn’t move it. And then he felt the soft touch of Josh’s fingers on his balls, a caress and a warning both. He shivered, and made himself place his feet flat on the bed and spread his knees.

He felt Josh’s breath on his face a second before Josh’s lips brushed his. More a question than a kiss. Ray opened his eyes, then closed them again and buried his right hand into Josh’s hair to direct the kiss, licking up into his mouth like he was drinking him down. Josh responded at once, rubbing their tongues together, and seemed to forget what he was meant to be doing, putting his hand down between Ray’s legs to support his weight and kiss him better. Ray yanked the pillow from between them and brought him closer to kiss him soft and leisurely a little longer. They had time. They could take it. They could be gentle with each other, as careful as they needed. Their cocks weren’t that patient, though, and soon they were both hard and frustrated with the lack of contact—Ray risked running his hand down Josh’s right arm and squeezing his forearm. A silent request.

Josh pulled away from the kiss, to breathe perhaps. Or to concentrate, because his fingers returned to Ray’s balls and this time they didn’t just touch but lifted his sack enough to push his fingers against his hole. Ray exhaled, throwing his head to the side as the sensation rushed through him—intense and intimate and so... Josh had frozen in place, and Ray elbowed him gently. “Move.”

His friend didn’t make him ask again, rubbing the tips of his fingers against the puckered flesh—a tantalising tease. And then Ray felt it... Josh’s fingers sliding easier against the wetness there. He was growing wet for his alpha.

It was like something screeching to a halt in his brain and he dug the fingers into Josh’s neck too hard even as he arched into the touch. It felt so good, but he couldn’t— Josh pulled his hand away like he’d been burned and Ray clenched on the emptiness, dizzy with need and...

“Ray?” Josh whispered and Ray realised his fingers were still clenched hard. He made himself loosen his hold but Josh’s voice was low and scared anyway when he asked, “Are you okay?”

Ray exhaled and opened his eyes to stare up blankly at him. Josh was still close enough that their sides were pressed together but he wasn’t sure where the hand that had been fondling him had gone. “I— It feels good,” he said and that much was true.

“You were scared,” Josh said, not an accusation exactly but making it clear he would not let Ray get away with half-truths.

It wasn’t what Ray wanted, either. He’d just been trying to give Josh something so he wouldn’t freak out too. He didn’t think he could handle it if both of them...

“Okay,” his mate decided, and gripped Ray’s wrist to pull his fingers from his hair completely. “Come on, sit up.” Ray let him guide him into a sitting position, still feeling dreamy and strange. It wasn’t quite the lassitude of an omega surrendering to his alpha yet, but it did make him feel oddly absent-minded.

Once he was certain Ray was stable, Josh laid back himself, folding his arms under his head and exposing the length of his body to Ray’s eyes. Ray might have been a little high off hormones, but he wasn’t dead so his eyes travelled down to Josh’s hard, red cock, shining with precome and standing to attention. “All yours if you want it,” Josh told him, not moving an inch.

Ray looked up at his face. “What... Oh.” He saw it at once: Josh wanted Ray to... to fuck himself onto Josh's cock. He smiled. It was brilliant; it would let Ray control the pace and it wouldn’t let him fall into that horrible state where he felt like was watching himself have sex. Not without stopping the sex, at least.

Josh returned his smile with sincere happiness. “I know, I’m a genius.” He seemed much more relaxed now. “And also, like, available. Any time,” he added, glancing down meaningfully.

Ray laughed. “Now you are impatient,” he teased, and made himself clench his buttocks once, feeling the wetness there, letting the thrill of it run through him to make sure it didn’t overwhelm him. He nodded, then put a hand on Josh’s hips and raised himself to sit over his thighs. It pressed Josh’s hot skin directly against his balls and made him clench again.

“Fuck, Ray,” his mate murmured, and Ray opened his eyes to find Josh didn’t seem able to keep his anywhere for long. His mouth was open and he was straining his arms to lift his head enough to watch Ray, but he didn’t try to move things along.

Ray looked down and took hold of Josh’s cock, tightening his hold when he felt it twitch in his hand. Josh let out a strangled cry, barely managing to abort his thrust in time not to unseat Ray. “Fuck, warn a guy?” he panted once Ray was just holding him.

“Sure,” Ray agreed. “Josh, fair warning; I’m going to sit on your cock now.”

Josh groaned and had to give up his relaxed pose to grip at the bedding at his sides instead. “Not... fair.”

Ray smiled, letting his own eyes roam freely up the expanse of Josh’s sculpted chest—the flush travelling all the way to his belly, his nipples pink and biteable—even as he lifted himself on his knees and shuffled forward. He placed his left hand on the bed next to Josh’s waist and directed Josh’s cock between his own legs, keeping his eyes on Josh’s frantically heaving chest. The soft skin of the crown against his hole made him clench and his mate let out a desperate cry under him—and still didn’t move—and then he lowered his hips, letting his own weight help the process along. The head popped right in past the ring of muscle, going in easy with the copious amount of slick he’d produced. He paused there, thighs trembling with the effort but still conscious he had to be careful. Except why did he need to be careful? It felt good, better than good, he was so wet it was almost like Josh’d already come. He took a little more of Josh’s cock, the sensation of getting opened up so good he couldn’t keep from crying out, and after that, he just needed more. He sat down, his attention only on the hot, hard, silky wet sensation of his mate penetrating him fully. He shuddered, body clenching against the invasion. No, not an invasion, a gift. This was his to have. And to enjoy.

His and Josh’s.

He made himself open his eyes and look at Josh. His mate’s eyes were clenched shut and he was trembling under Ray—barely keeping himself in place, Ray understood.

“Josh?” he asked.

Josh’s eyes fluttered open at once. “You okay?” Josh gave a tight nod. “Touch me?”

Josh’s body tensed under his, then relaxed. It made his cock move a little inside Ray, sending shivers of pleasure up his spine and making him sway a little. Josh’s hands went up to Ray’s hips to hold him steady. “Good?” he checked, his voice was raspy and used, like he’d forgotten to swallow for a while.

Ray nodded, panting and raising himself a little only to let himself fall again. He shuddered. “So...” He leaned forward, needing to put his other hand down for leverage. He did it again, higher this time with Josh’s help. He shoved down again, getting use to the size of it. They had barely begun and he could already feel his orgasm building up inside, his body lighting up with sensation. Josh's cock. Josh's hands. Josh's scent.

It was different than being hard, although his dick was bobbing between them, precome already leaking steadily—this felt deeper somehow, a different type of build-up. He shoved down again, getting Josh’s entire length into him, the head pushing right where he needed it to. And then again, despite his trembling arms and legs. “Help me,” he demanded in a moment of clarity.

Josh thrust up like he’d been cut loose. And fuck, that was it. Ray pushed back and suddenly it was enough—or nearly so—because it was the two of them. This was how it was meant to be: two people dancing together, racing towards the end hand in hand, a perfectly coordinated exchanged—bodies so attuned to each other that—

Ray clenched hard as Josh’s cock pressed straight into his prostate, back arching involuntarily and mouth opening into a screaming he couldn’t hear as his cock suddenly spurted all over them both. Josh took over, giving him another hard thrust to prolong the impossible agony of all his nerve-endings exploding with pleasure at once.

He was overly sensitive but he didn’t want to stop. It wasn’t over, not until Josh... He clenched harder, squeezing his mate’s cock inside him and shuddering as his body protested it was too much. But it wasn't—it wasn't enough, he needed Josh to—

Josh whimpered under him and Ray saw there were tears in his eyes and he couldn’t bear it. He leaned down and took Josh’s face in his hands, kissed his mouth hard and true—as if he could tell him with a kiss everything he hadn't been able to say with his body.

Josh’s hands tightened on his hips and he gave a last thrust before slowing down to a slow grind as his cock slowly emptied itself inside Ray’s body. Even deep as he was, it leaked out of Ray's arse, making each slide of Josh's dick into him wetter and sweeter until it was all Ray could do to whimper into his mate's neck. A plead. He didn't know whether to stop or to continue...

Josh rolled them onto their sides, twisting his hips to pull out of Ray and Ray shuddered hard at the emptiness left behind, his own cock twitching as if it did not know it was spent.

He felt a hand in his hair, careful and easy. "Shhh," his mate whispered. He was shaking under Ray's hands too—like the world had tilted and dropped them both on unsteady ground—but that somehow helped a little. If he had Josh to hold onto, if he wasn't alone in this...

He burrowed closer and Josh welcomed him—uncaring of the mess of come and sweat, of their overheated bodies and oversensitive cocks—with a tired kiss to his forehead.

"I love you," he said once again. It didn't sound like a declaration this time—it was just the truth.

"Me too," Ray mumbled, then tensed when he realised that he hadn't... He made himself open his eyes and when he saw Josh had closed his, he cupped his mate's chin until he looked back at him—it only made it harder to say the words, but it was the first time and he wasn’t going to short-charge Josh when it came to this. "I love you," he said and it came out a little too serious.

He was about to try again but he needn't have worried. Josh's heart jumped and his face broke into an irrepressible grin. "I know," he agreed. "I'm your fucking soulmate, remember?"