Chapter 18
Alice thanked God for the little dog sitting at her side for the millionth time the next day. As Coco alerted by pawing at her thigh, Alice realised that, in the hustle and bustle of the busy afternoon clinic, the insidious symptoms of a hyper had been gradually creeping up on her. She blinked hard and her heart rate ratcheted up a notch when she saw the readings from the tiny drop of blood that she squeezed from her finger on autopilot. She quickly calibrated her insulin dose accordingly and scruffed Coco behind the ears in praise. It still amazed her that Coco preferred this to any of the other rewards that Jamie advised.
She rested her head on her desk and breathed slowly, allowing the wonder drug to work its magic on her broken system. Some people craved a different nose or a different haircut – both easily achieved with a little pain or a little expense. But a new pancreas, or a new immune system? If wishes were horses, she sighed.
She was tired, so tired of always being on her guard, never able to truly relax. At least she was no longer on the constant symptomatic rollercoaster of guesswork and stress; Coco had brought a little calm and control to the proceedings. But what she would give to sleep all through the night without the bleary-eyed night-time rituals dictated by her blood sugar. At least Tilly had been online last night with tales of her latest Mrs Robinson exploits to keep her entertained. Slightly shocked, but definitely entertained!
Alice started at the gentle knock on her door, barely having time to compose herself before Grace walked into the room. ‘Oh my darling girl,’ she said, clearly not missing a trick, ‘what are you doing in here all by yourself?’
Before Alice could protest, she’d been swept up into a nononsense hug. She noticed that Coco instantly lay down and rested her head on her paws as though to say, ‘Thank God the reinforcements have arrived.’
‘Are you all sorted with this little lot?’ Grace asked, nodding towards the insulin kit lying open on Alice’s desk.
‘Yeah,’ managed Alice, still struggling to find her composure. Every time she was close, she would see the affection and concern in Grace’s eyes and she’d feel it slipping further away.
‘Then let’s get out of here for the day, shall we? Come to The Deli with me and I can tell you all about the dishy pilot I met the other day.’ She dangled the anecdote as incentive, as though knocking off work early might not be enough.
‘But I’ve still got one patient to see,’ Alice protested.
Grace shook her head. ‘We thought you’d just overrun so Taffy took Mr Larch for his asthma review. What’s the betting he’s still a stealth smoker, eh?’
Grace hovered as Alice gathered her stuff together. She could only be grateful, Alice supposed, that it was Grace who had stumbled upon her self-pity-fest. It was hardly the confident, together demeanour upon which she prided herself at work.
Stepping out into the late-afternoon sunshine, Alice squinted against the light and pulled her sunglasses from her bag. Win-win, she thought, grateful for a little distance.
‘Too late in the day for a frothy cappuccino?’ offered Grace, as they walked across the Market Place, which was already beginning to fill with pallid office workers seeking out a little daylight after a day staring at a computer screen. They nabbed a spare table outside The Deli the moment it became free and Grace quickly scanned the menu card.
‘I’ll get these,’ Alice offered automatically, reaching for her purse, before remembering that she’d be lucky to find a fiver lurking in there this week. She faltered, wondering whether the hole in the wall would deign to deliver any cash when she was already teetering around her credit limit.
Grace didn’t miss a beat, and certainly didn’t let on that she’d seen Alice’s hesitation. ‘You most certainly will not. I’ve brought you out to cheer you up. And you’ve earned it, after organising that fabulous training session yesterday. I think we’re all feeling a little more confident and informed. So these are on me.’
‘A decaf cappuccino with lots of foam would be perfect then, thank you,’ said Alice appreciatively.
She barely had time to collect her thoughts and have a little chat with Coco before Grace was back with a tray.
‘Here we go. And I ordered some sweet potato wedges and olives and whatnot for us to nibble on – I hope that’s okay? I managed to miss lunch today, what with trying to find out the extent of Derek Landers’ evil plans for world domination. Dan’s on a mission to get all the facts before we make a plan and it’s like pulling at a ball of wool . . .’
The wedges arrived, steaming hot and crispy with sea salt, and Alice felt her mouth water. She took one bite and savoured the contrast of salty and sweet before looking up to find Grace watching her astutely. She felt a bit of a muppet then, because Grace was clearly mothering her.
‘Aren’t you going to have any?’ Alice asked. ‘Or is this care in the community?’
Grace grinned and plucked the largest, juiciest wedge from the basket. ‘Of course I am, and of course it’s not. We are allowed to look out for you a little though, Alice.’
They sipped their drinks quietly for a moment until Grace could no longer resist. ‘So about this pilot—’
Alice laughed. ‘If you like him so much, why don’t you call him? I’m pretty sure we can rustle up a number for HQ quite easily.’
‘Oh it wasn’t me I was shopping for! Why would he be interested in me?’ Grace protested. ‘I thought he’d be perfect for you actually. Very easy on the eye, equally demanding job, seemed to have all the right bits in all the right places . . . If you know what I mean?’
‘Grace!’
‘Well actually, I thought he looked kind. And you know kind and thoughtful is the new sexy.’
‘Is it now?’ replied Alice. ‘Then you should definitely call him yourself. Would be a shame to let a good one go to waste. Or tell Lucy – her fascination with men in uniform is quite something. You’ll only need to say the word “pilot” and she’ll sign up.’
‘But you—?’
Alice shook her head. ‘Not for me. I’ve got too much else to think about right now.’
‘Of course you have,’ Grace backtracked instantly. ‘All this extra training for Coco and decisions to be made.’ She dropped her voice. ‘Not to mention, it must be hard living on a junior doctor’s salary around here.’
So much for quiet discretion, thought Alice grumpily, annoyed to have been rumbled. Although Grace did make a valid point – all the holidaymakers and London weekenders had seemingly pushed up the price of everything this summer. The much-promised heatwave had gradually arrived and as the temperatures had risen, so had the cost of living.
Grace continued, her tone soft and confiding, and for a moment Alice was sorely tempted to tell her everything. Tilly’s voice was in her head, urging her to take the leap—
Thankfully common sense prevailed.
‘If you’re finding it hard though, Alice, with the rent and the bills – I do know what it’s like to run a household on one salary and I’d be only too glad to have a chat – see if we can trim a little here and there to make it easier?’
It was a kind suggestion, a thoughtful, generous offer, but Alice could immediately feel the prickle of anxiety that assailed her every time she let anybody get too close. And how much closer could one get, than poring over her monthly outgoings? Indeed, what would Grace think if she could actually see her credit card statements and bank accounts? There would be nowhere to hide then.
She somehow didn’t think that switching tariffs on her heating bill would be quite enough at this point.
‘You are so kind, Grace, but I’m good. Really.’
She couldn’t help but wonder if she’d sounded half as unconvincing as she felt.
‘No problem,’ said Grace easily. ‘I’m here if you need me though. But don’t wait too long on your pilot fella though—’
‘Your pilot, you mean,’ countered Alice with a relieved smile that they were back on solid ground.
Sometimes spending time with Grace could feel like slipping into a warm bath, easing your muscles at the end of a long day and just letting go.
Today was not one of those days, thought Alice sadly. Ever since the topic of money had cropped up earlier on, she had felt under scrutiny, as though Grace were noticing every single nuance of their conversation and judging her. Even when Grace had complimented her on her new bracelet, Alice had felt that nauseated flip-flop of shame that came from attempting to justify the purchase. Of course, the more she tried to do so, the less pleasure the band of rose gold brought her, the initial rush she’d felt on its arrival already faded.
The irony being that Grace wasn’t pushing her to explain herself; it had been a genuine compliment. It was merely Alice’s guilty conscience that needed no accuser.
When Jamie Yardley came ambling across the Market Place towards them, Alice quickly made sure her sunglasses were wedged firmly in place, managing a wave and a smile. She had no desire for him to see her looking, or indeed feeling, this fragile.
Coco, bless her, ever the ice-breaker in any situation, saved her once again by throwing herself into Jamie’s arms as he crouched down to greet her. Her little squirming body was always a sight for sore eyes, as her tail thwacked heavily back and forth and the rest of her seemed to carry the momentum.
‘Now that’s a greeting,’ said Grace.
Jamie stood up and grinned. ‘Isn’t she something?’
He pulled up a chair beside Alice. ‘How’s your day been?’ he asked.
She forced a smile, unsure how to answer. ‘Bit up and down. But now we have snacks!’ Imitating Jamie’s upbeat and well-meaning banter was as good a habit as any to have gradually adopted in her quest for normality.
Jamie looked at her in concern, totally unconvinced, but Alice didn’t notice, so busy was she handing down titbits to Coco to convince her to settle.
When she did finally look up, it was to catch the tail end of what seemed to be a telepathic conversation of meaningful glances and raised eyebrows between Jamie and Grace across the table. ‘What?’ she demanded, cringing at the hint of petulant teenager in her voice. If there was one thing she hated, it was being analysed by other people.
Jamie shook his head. ‘Nothing. Don’t be so grumpy – it’s not a good look on you,’ he teased. He clocked their nearly empty mugs. ‘Let me pop in and get you two another round. Taffy’s already inside stocking up on sausage rolls. We’re going for a run in a bit and we need carbs. Apparently.’ He shook his head, clearly humouring Taffy’s adolescent eating habits.
‘Let me,’ Grace said, already on her feet.
‘Sure, thanks,’ Jamie said, a little rebuffed by her abrupt tone. ‘Am I interrupting something?’ he asked Alice. ‘Taffy and I can go and grab another table?’
‘You’re fine,’ Alice reassured him, instantly feeling guilty that she was taking her mood out on him. ‘Honestly. Just ignore me, Jamie. I’m having one of those sleep-deprived, paranoid days. It just feels like everybody’s looking out for me today. It’s really weird, being under the microscope.’
‘Hmm, you’re right, it is weird, that – people wanting to keep an eye on you when you look like death warmed up and that insulin kit is being hauled out more often than a sickbag on a cross-channel ferry? Come on, Walker.’ He leaned against her casually, almost nudging her shoulder, a gentle teasing smile lighting up his eyes. ‘No man is an island and all that.’
Alice couldn’t help but smile herself at his earnest reassurances. ‘Well, men may not be able to cope with a few ups and downs, but I’m pretty sure most women can.’
‘Why are you so arsey today, anyway?’ he asked, throwing his arm around her shoulders companionably. He’d long since learned to take the rough with the smooth when it came to his favourite client. A bad weather warning with Alice normally meant she was frightened, he reckoned. Not that she’d ever admit it. Quite what she was frightened about today was anyone’s guess, but it didn’t stop him trying to be her friend.
He glanced down at her, recognising all the signs that she was covering again. He only wished he knew how to persuade her that, whilst keeping everyone around her at arm’s length would absolutely create the distance she craved, in all likelihood it would be just in time for her to realise she didn’t actually want it. Being unwell was a solitary business at the best of times; with a chronic illness like diabetes, that loneliness could be crippling.
He reached down and fussed Coco’s ears. Thank God she had the company and unconditional affection that Coco offered to keep her in balance. This, more than anything else, made him realise that Alice without Coco didn’t bear thinking about. In fact, if only he could persuade Alice to stop thinking about ‘the greater good’ and think of herself a little more, then really, there was no decision to be made.
‘How do you feel about being bold and bolshy?’ he ventured, reaching over and stealing an olive.
She shot him a sideways glance. ‘Are you trying to tell me something?’
Jamie laughed. ‘Well, now that you mention it—’ He reached over and pinched the last of the potato wedges too. ‘But actually, I meant with Judith and the training centre. The way I see it, right now the only sacrifice or adjustment is yours. How about we all share the load a little to make things work?’
Alice turned to him, ignoring Coco’s puppy-dog eyes for a moment, as they followed the sweet potato wedge’s every movement. ‘What did you have in mind?’
Jamie shrugged. ‘I’m not quite sure. Yet. But something along the lines of everyone giving a little, so nobody has to give a lot. Judith’s awfully good at guilting people into doing what she wants; it’s part of what makes her so good at the fundraising part of her job actually. But in this case . . .’ His words petered out as he tried to convey his train of thought by holding Alice’s gaze.
Alice sat firmly on her hands, suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to brush Jamie’s tawny fringe from his eyes as the light summer breeze insisted on ruffling it forward. ‘I think a team effort might sit more comfortably with me too,’ she said quietly, noticing Jamie’s eyes flash a little with the deliberate ambiguity of her words.
He leaned across and drained the last of her drink. ‘Leave it with me for a few days,’ he said. ‘And Alice? You’re not being paranoid. We are all looking out for you,’ he added, squeezing her shoulder lightly, before he got up and walked away without a backwards glance, leaving her pulse ricocheting and the beginnings of a complicit smile on her face.