Chapter 36
Alice pushed her hands deeper into her pockets and watched as Coco looped the loop around the ancient horse chestnut trees in the Larkford parkland the next morning. At this hour, even the hardiest of the local dog walkers were probably still tucked up in bed. It was definitely worth the extra resolve to get out of bed just to have such a magnificent space all to herself, she decided, even as an enormous yawn ambushed her.
She needed time to think, space to find some clarity – and with the best will in the world, her terraced cottage would never qualify as spacious, even without all her boxes. And therein lay the cause of her bad mood that morning. She’d woken to the dawn chorus and lain in bed mentally cataloguing the boxes in her bedroom, then in her euphemistically named ‘dressing room’ – even though there wasn’t even enough room to put on a pair of trousers in there without causing a tsunami of accessories.
Jamie’s absolute faith in her and his willingness to stand beside her in the negotiations about Coco had certainly given her pause; it was a long time since anyone had given her such cause for self-reflection. Sure, Tilly liked to tease and prod her into action occasionally, but there was never a moment where Alice felt that their friendship was in jeopardy if she didn’t take action.
With Jamie, she was navigating different waters.
How could he possibly look at her with such trust and affection if he knew the truth, thought Alice, as she threw Coco’s tennis ball unnecessarily hard. But more than that – more than wanting his good opinion of her – his faith had given her the resolve to make some changes.
As the sun began to filter through the foliage above her, creating stripes of light and shade, Alice breathed out slowly. This parkland was her favourite place in the world right now and it didn’t feel right to contaminate it with her bad mood. She stood under the largest and presumably oldest of the horse chestnuts and ran her fingers over the crumbling bark. How long had this tree been hearing the joys and woes of Larkford’s residents, she wondered, feeling comforted at the very thought.
‘I see I’m not the only one confiding in the trees these days,’ Grace said quietly as she ambled towards her, Noodle and Doodle straining at their leads. ‘It always seems such a shame that they can’t talk back.’ Grace was pale and the bruise on her face now bloomed in Technicolor.
‘Morning,’ said Alice, blushing lightly at having been caught ranting at the trees. ‘I thought you’d be having a lie-in.’
Grace shrugged. ‘I was too tired to sleep, if that makes sense?’ She hesitated and that flicker of hesitation told Alice the real story. No doubt nightmares had been her constant companion since the attack, even with Noodle and Doodle at her side.
‘You know, I still keep hoping these trees will come up with the answers . . .’ She deliberately let the idea float. Somehow it felt incredibly important to Alice in that moment that Grace realised she wasn’t alone in her fight with the nightly vigil of insomnia, even if she didn’t know how to say it.
As the dogs circled and played around them, Alice and Grace both leaned back against the sturdy tree trunk. ‘I’ve spent so much time with Mr Google at night in the last week, it might just mean we’re in a committed relationship,’ Grace confessed.
Alice smiled. ‘Even if it does, it wouldn’t last. Can you imagine going out with such a know-it-all?’
Grace laughed, the sound echoing under the branches, and seemingly giving them both a lift. ‘All information, no application,’ she mused. ‘He’d just be suggesting recipes for fancy food with no intention of mucking in.’
‘Or washing up,’ Alice joined in.
‘Bastard,’ said Grace with feeling.
‘Cut him loose,’ agreed Alice, ‘before it goes too far.’
‘But he’s excellent company at two a.m., right?’ Grace said astutely, clearly one of the very few in Larkford not to fall for the competent image of Alice that she normally worked so hard to portray.
Alice nodded. ‘Every night since I can remember,’ she confessed quietly. She watched Coco leap and frolic between the tree trunks with Noodle and Doodle and corrected herself. ‘But it’s a bit better now, since I got Coco. I don’t have the fear about missing a hypo in the night.’
‘I guess it’s one less thing to worry about,’ said Grace gently. ‘And if nothing else, it’s a bloody good excuse to have the dog sleep on the bed. Not that I need an excuse, although Noodle there does snore like a heathen.’
Alice laughed, even though the notion of a bed without Coco in it was something she couldn’t begin to contemplate this morning. She was only too happy that Noodle chose that moment to roll in something disgusting, Grace running towards him with her arms flapping and a choice range of vocabulary tumbling from her lips. As soon as sanity prevailed once more, Alice was quick to change the topic. ‘Any news on whether Dan’s being charged? He said he was due at the station again last night. Why are they dragging this out?’
Grace shook her head. ‘He won’t find out what’s going on for a few days. Jarley’s got some amazing legal bod apparently, although how he’s affording it, I couldn’t tell you. I wouldn’t put it past him to use the threat of an assault charge as a bargaining chip.’ She gave an almost imperceptible shudder. ‘I just want it all to be over, really.’
Alice nodded – she could well empathise with the notion. It seemed incredibly unjust that Dan might yet be prosecuted for saving Grace under the remit of ‘unreasonable force’. Just how much force, Alice wondered, would have been considered ‘reasonable’ in the circumstances?
There was silence between them for a moment, both caught up in their own thoughts as Noodle, Doodle and Coco continued to ‘let off steam’ around them, seemingly intent on making them both laugh. In reality, this involved a number of cartwheels and other gymnastics as the three dogs hurtled through the lush grassland and yapped at each other in excitement. Coco’s tongue lolled out of her mouth as she panted and tried to keep up with the younger dogs, whose euphoria and energy seemed boundless.
‘I’ll have what they’re having,’ Grace said, shaking her head at their antics. ‘You’d never believe they were ever miserable and wan, would you?’
Alice stretched and plonked herself down onto the grass and smiled. ‘You did a good thing there, Grace.’
‘Alice Walker, please tell me you’re not sitting in the mud in a pair of Armani jeans?’
Alice shrugged. ‘They’re not new ones.’
‘Easy come, easy go,’ sighed Grace as she sat down beside her, before looking aghast. ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother! Did you hear what I just said? And I was about to launch into a lecture about appreciating what you have . . . This is just awful!’
‘Your mum kind of has a point though, doesn’t she? I mean, how many pairs of jeans does one person actually need? It’s not as though they have magical powers to boost your mood, now is it?’ There was a shadow of bitterness in her words. Alice leaned back on her hands and watched the dogs hurtle in a loop. ‘They’ve got the right idea, haven’t they?’
Grace was silent for a moment, but Alice could feel her gaze.
‘I was thinking I might redecorate my cottage while I’m off work,’ Grace said eventually. ‘Give the house a bit of a spruce. All the clutter is driving me crazy.’
‘Good idea,’ said Alice, plucking nervously at the daisies around her, wondering if she had the nerve to— ‘We could do a car boot sale together if you fancied it?’ she blurted out suddenly. ‘I’ll bet between us we could fill a carload.’
‘I would love that,’ Grace said simply. ‘I’ve still got stuff from when Roy was alive and the boys’ kit seems to multiply with every passing visit. I feel like my house is a glorified storage locker some days.’
Alice began to thread the daisy stems together wordlessly, running Grace’s comments in her head again, listening to the heartfelt tone of her admission. Perhaps they were all dealing with the same baggage to a greater or lesser degree – both literal and metaphorical?
‘Maybe I could help you?’ Alice offered, only too aware of the irony of the suggestion.
‘Maybe we could help each other?’ Grace countered. This time there was no missing the understanding in her eyes. ‘It seems to me as though baby steps might be required all round.’
Alice focused determinedly on a tricky daisy that refused to submit – it was easier to talk without eye contact. ‘I wouldn’t know where to start. I actually have a box full of books about decluttering and streamlining my life, did you know that?’
Grace blew two bursts on the whistle and all three dogs came running for a morsel of chicken. If only people’s behaviour was so easy to train, thought Alice.
‘And what do these books say? Is it the usual bollocks about “Have you used it in the last year?” because honestly that winds me up. I mean, I haven’t been skiing in ages, but I’m hardly going to chuck out my salopettes, am I?’
‘And after a while, doesn’t high fashion just morph into vintage anyway?’ Alice added.
‘Well, I can’t speak for high fashion but I have given up saving things for best. When Roy died, I sort of had a “fuck it” moment and just got on with it. Why not enjoy a lovely handbag every day, or pretty pyjamas?’ Grace said with feeling.
‘When I add up how much I’ve spent on stuff to make me feel better, when I look at my credit card statements, I could actually vomit,’ Alice blurted out, her usual defences somehow missing in this conversation.
‘Not so easy to give things away when technically you’re still paying for them, is it?’ Grace agreed, no trace of judgement in her tone. She leaned in. ‘I gave our sofa to Cancer Research after Roy died and still had to keep paying instalments for the next year. But it was worth it, not to look at that grey upholstery and not to see him sitting there, moaning, with a can of lager in his hand.
‘But it sounds to me as though a car boot sale might be doing you a disservice,’ Grace continued matter-of-factly. ‘Maybe we should find one of those pre-loved boutiques and you could pay off your cards with your share of the proceeds? Would it feel better, do you think, to have less stuff and no debt? Or would you simply want to replace it all?’
The thought of clearing out the house made Alice’s pulse race erratically and she drew in a deep breath as though she were drowning. This was what she wanted, she reminded herself, even if it was so painful. She swallowed hard, flinching slightly as Grace laid a hand on her arm.
‘Let’s do this together,’ Grace said, refusing to sway from her suggestion, even in light of Alice’s emotional reaction. ‘And honestly, you’d be doing me a favour too.’
‘How on earth do you figure that?’ Alice was defensive, but on some level she couldn’t help but feel intrigued.
‘Well, I think we both know I’m kidding myself if I thought adopting two puppies would take my mind off what happened completely.’ Grace automatically touched the bruising on her face that was already turning a vile shade of ochre. ‘So I have plans to keep busy. And I know, I know, going back to work is the only real way to confront all this fear head-on, but,’ she blew out a lungful of air, ‘I just can’t do that yet.’
‘Bloody hell, Grace,’ said Alice with feeling, her heart going out to this woman beside her – this courageous and thoughtful woman who had never deserved to feel violated in the sanctity of her workplace. For the first time Alice noticed the tremor in Grace’s hands and the effort it was taking her to remain upbeat and positive.
Grace shrugged, almost angrily. ‘I can’t tell you how stupid I really feel. For letting that bastard in when he knocked, yes, but mainly for letting it affect me so badly. I know everyone’s looking at me, wondering why I haven’t gone back to work. I just can’t bring myself to tell them how much the thought of it scares me.’ She chucked a handful of daisies in the air. ‘If I could just get past the nightmares, then maybe?’ She sighed. ‘There’s only so much busy I can fit into each day; I’m beginning to wonder if the fear will ever really fade.’
‘What can I do, Grace? Really? Let’s stop talking as though getting rid of a few jumpers is going to fix this. What would really help?’ Alice said helplessly.
Grace shrugged, scruffing Noodle and Doodle’s fur as they tumbled over her lap. ‘I honestly don’t know.’ A look of devilment flitted across her face. ‘Unless you fancy dating a sexy pilot? I’m pretty sure he’s utterly wonderful, but he’s not the man for me. I just haven’t had the heart to tell him that yet though.’
Alice leaned against Grace’s shoulder in a rare moment of physical intimacy, following her lead. ‘Are you trying to offload your sloppy seconds on me, missus?’
‘Oh,’ said Grace with feeling, ‘there is nothing sloppy about Chris Virtue. In fact, I probably need a lobotomy for not falling instantly in love with the man – he’s basically Action Man in a flight suit – but love is a fickle thing . . .’
They sat in silence for a moment, both of them with their thoughts caught up by where exactly their affections truly lay.
‘So, I either have to sort out my house or date a sexy pilot,’ Alice said in the end, with the merest hint of resignation. ‘It’s hardly Sophie’s Choice.’ She sighed. ‘So why do both options seem so horribly challenging? Perhaps it’s me who needs the lobotomy?’
‘Well, Chris may be gorgeous, but he’s also very local,’ said Grace perceptively. ‘And it’s no secret that you prefer your men a little more, shall we say, international in flavour. I’m assuming that’s the only reason you’re holding that gorgeous Jamie at bay?’
Alice didn’t respond; she didn’t know what to say. The spirit of honesty decreed that she confess, but the words were like cotton wool in her mouth. Yet Grace continued to surprise her.
‘Of course, if you felt a little more, erm, settled at home, it might not seem quite so daunting inviting somebody in – oh, Doodle! Don’t eat that. That’s disgusting!’
Alice gratefully leapt to her feet to help. The very least she owed Doodle for her reprieve was a nice piece of chicken, rather than the unthinkably disgusting tissue he had unearthed in the long grass beneath the trees. But as tenacious as Doodle was with his new-found treasure, his owner was much the same once she had an idea in her head. ‘You and Jamie are a perfect match, you do know that?’
‘I can’t have a relationship. Not really,’ Alice said quietly.
Grace stayed silent, waiting for her to explain, waiting for Alice’s sudden obsession with her fingernails to subside.
Alice took a deep breath, suddenly desperate to bare her soul, to have someone understand her dilemma. ‘My health is my priority, right? And then Coco. Obviously. And then, well, I’m a doctor, so my career is kind of important. So what am I really offering? Hey, fancy being number four on my list? Fancy always, always coming last when I have to make a choice? It’s hardly a romantic or reasonable proposition, now is it?’
She’d barely drawn breath and she swallowed hard, her eyes swimming even as she made a joke of it.
Grace’s sympathetic expression was actually enough to tip her over the edge, thought Alice, when she finally did look up.
‘Oh you daft, sweet girl,’ said Grace, taking her hand and squeezing it. ‘Is that what you really think?’
Alice nodded. ‘That’s what I know. No bloke is going to put up with the nightly crap I have to deal with. Or stick around when I lose my sight, or my leg, or my figure . . . You forget, Grace, this runs in my family. I’ve seen the end of this movie and it’s not pretty. So I need to make my time count – it’s why I became a doctor. And going on dates with random men doesn’t seem like a good use of time, does it? Particularly since you know they’re going to run a mile anyway.’
She didn’t want to think about the time she wasted.
She didn’t want to consider that Grace might have a point and that Jamie Yardley might be something different, something special.
Because if she thought about it for too long, then she would realise how skewed her logic was.
Right now, having Jamie as a friend for the rest of her life seemed so much more valuable than a fling that was destined to implode.
‘Let me help. Just a little. You’d be helping me too,’ Grace said quietly as they gathered themselves together to leave. ‘I know it’s hard, Alice. Please trust me when I say that, but I also believe that life is genuinely too short to spend it hiding – from love, from addiction, from true friendship.’ She squeezed Alice’s hand and, for once, Alice didn’t feel the overwhelming urge to pull away. In fact, if she were pushed to name the uncomfortable emotions assailing her, she might just have to call them the first tiny pricklings of possibility.