Chapter 9
‘Porridge, Dr Walker?’ said Taffy, as he walked into the doctors’ lounge for his morning break. ‘Do you have to be such a cliché?’
Alice grinned as she deliberately sprinkled salt rather than sugar onto her breakfast. ‘I do try,’ she said, ramping up her usual soft Scottish burr to roguish proportions.
‘Are you also secretly pining for a fjord?’ he asked with interest.
‘A loch, possibly,’ Alice replied, without missing a beat at his dodgy Monty Python impression. ‘And cold tap water that feels as though it’s run straight from the ben. You don’t get that here,’ she said wistfully.
Taffy nodded. ‘I know what you mean. It’s the same at home.’
‘Surely not,’ Alice protested. ‘I mean, you’ve some lovely hills in Wales, but they’re no match for Ben Nevis.’
‘What’s the odd three hundred metres between friends anyway?’ Taffy said defensively. ‘Have you ever actually climbed Snowdon? Well I have, and it’s not for the faint-hearted.’
Alice shook her head. ‘I haven’t actually, but I’ll take your word for it. I’d just started Munro-bagging with my dad when he died.’ A flicker of pain passed across her face at saying those words aloud. Words that she normally preferred to allude to with euphemisms. She wasn’t sure what it was about Taffy’s sincerity that made such evasiveness seem unnecessary, aloof even.
Taffy, to his credit, didn’t push the point. ‘I didn’t know you knew your way around a crampon. We could do the Three Peaks Challenge, you know? Ben Nevis for you, Snowdon for me and Scafell Pike for The Practice.’
Alice paused for a moment, their easy banter suddenly changing pace. ‘That’s not such an entirely crazy idea, you know,’ she said slowly.
‘It’s a little bit crazy,’ Taffy countered happily. ‘But entirely doable – if you think you’re fit enough.’
He laid down the gauntlet with a grin and waited for her to respond.
Alice knew that he was testing her, waiting for her to bow out, but she really didn’t feel like giving him the satisfaction, although chances were they were just mucking about. Even taking into account the trouble that her overconfidence might have caused of late, it was a difficult habit to break. Could she imagine keeping pace with Taffy Jones? No, not really. Was she prepared to say sod it and give it a try? Absolutely.
‘I’m in if you are,’ Alice said. ‘And if you’re up for getting sponsors, I know the charity that’s helping train Coco would be only too delighted with a big fat cheque.’ Alice chose not to say that the big fat cheques might buy her a little more time, before deciding on Coco’s commitment to the cause, but it certainly factored in her own enthusiasm for the challenge.
Taffy rubbed at the back of his neck, his shirt collar fraying slightly and his hair tousled from an early start. Alice wondered how he found the energy some days. He was forever on the move: with the twins, or training with Dan, or hustling through the corridors at work like a mini-tornado. Watching him mainline an entire packet of Penguins gave her some idea of the sugar rush behind the scenes and a moment of jealousy assailed her.
What she would give to view food as pleasure, rather than fuel to be calibrated. What she would give to pick up a menu and order whatever the hell she liked, without totting up how much exercise she’d already done that day and compensating accordingly.
Over the last year, Taffy had become like the big brother she’d never had, teasing her, calling her out on dodgy outfits or experimental hairdos. The only thing he never mentioned was her diabetes. It was almost as though he had decided that it was a taboo subject, a step too far in their fledgling friendship. But for Alice, it was such an integral part of her life that it felt wrong to dance around the topic. She ought to have ‘Love me, love my diabetes’ stencilled on a mug.
In the calm before the storm of the next influx of patients, not to mention caffeine-seeking doctors, Alice tried to pluck up the nerve to ask the question that had been haunting her for days. Who better really to give her a straight answer than Taffy?
‘Did I mess up? At the show on Saturday, with Jessica Hearst?’ she asked, seemingly out of nowhere and rather blindsiding him, judging by his shocked reaction.
He shook his head. ‘I don’t think so. You did everything by the book, Alice. And I know there’s been some argy-bargy with the parents—’
‘That’s one word for it,’ Alice interrupted.
‘But,’ continued Taffy with a hard look, ‘that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s more an issue of hierarchy, I suppose.’
Alice nodded. ‘With Holly and Dan on site, it should have been them, I know. But with all the chaos and the panicking . . . ’ She shrugged. ‘I guess I just didn’t stop to think.’
‘Have you been stressing about this?’ Taffy looked concerned.
‘A little bit. Okay, maybe a lot. But if I did anything that has consequences for Jessica . . . ’
‘Listen,’ said Taffy, balling up his Penguin wrappers and lobbing them expertly into the bin, ‘you wouldn’t be a half-decent doctor if you didn’t play the what-if game after an incident. Did I choose the right drug? Did I give the right advice? Was clearing the airway a priority, considering the risk of paralysis?’
‘Well, that’s awfully specific,’ said Alice quietly.
‘And a question without an answer. We all make mistakes, Alice, and at some point you will make the wrong call. The only thing we can do, as doctors, is respond to the best of our ability in that moment. And for the record, I think you did. I think it shows serious mettle, that you didn’t even hesitate to put yourself forward while that pony was still going berserk.’
Alice frowned. ‘What do you mean? The pony was long gone.’
Taffy paused in his pursuit of further snackage. ‘The pony was freaking out all around you, Alice. That’s why everyone else held back. Did you honestly not even notice it?’
‘Not even a little bit,’ she said, the confusion evident on her face as she mentally replayed her version of events. ‘The Pony Club lady caught the pony though, yes?’
Taffy nodded. ‘Charlotte Lansing? Yeah – in the end.’
‘What do they say about stupid people being full of confidence, and intelligent ones full of doubts?’ Alice said wryly.
Taffy laughed. ‘Oh, we are both so screwed if that’s true. But seriously, stop tying yourself in knots. What’s done is done – learn from it and move on. Our lesson is to remember that, all evidence to the contrary, you aren’t one of the partners here. Yet. It’s so easy to forget and we’d be letting you down if we did. It’s all this calm conviction that throws us off, you know.’ He grinned and left the room, snaffling a jumbo packet of crisps from the worktop that clearly had ‘Jason’ written on it in permanent marker and leaving her feeling just a little bit brighter.
In the car with Jamie that evening, after yet another session at the training centre, that feeling was long gone and Alice wondered what Taffy would make of her supposed ‘calm conviction’ now. It was only really the presence of Jamie beside her that was keeping the tears at bay.
‘For what it’s worth,’ said Jamie, ‘I think Judith had a bloody nerve putting you on the spot in front of everyone like that. She may be the head of acquisitions over there, but that doesn’t give her the right to talk to you like that. And I’m happy to tell her so.’
Alice shook her head. It was very sweet of Jamie to be so incredibly supportive, but she knew that this was her decision to make, possibly her battle to fight. At least she had this time now, as they barrelled along the motorway together, Coco at her feet in the passenger footwell and Jamie at the wheel. This time without any other calls on her focus or attention.
‘I need a little longer to decide,’ she said quietly, as the realisation dawned.
He glanced at her briefly, before returning his concentration to the road. The summer outbreak of caravans in the South West was only just beginning, but nevertheless slowing them down. ‘We can try that, of course, but I gather they feel they’ve been pretty patient already. And all you’re really doing is delaying the inevitable.’
It was true, thought Alice, as she wove her fingers through the long fur on Coco’s head. But this was an impossible decision. A Sophie’s Choice. Whatever she decided was sure to break her heart a little.
It had been months of toing and froing. Coco’s visits to the medical detection training facility only serving to prove what they already knew: she was a remarkable little dog. Her skill in detecting cancer cells just from the volatiles of one tiny urine sample, hidden amongst eight on the carousel, was almost one hundred per cent accurate. But now the time was looming where Alice had to choose: did she keep Coco as her own personal diabetes assistance dog, or did she release her into the cancer detection programme so that she could help hundreds, possibly even thousands of other people?
It was no small wonder that Alice wasn’t sleeping properly. If she held on to her beloved dog, she felt she was being selfish; if she let her go, she would be lost. And not just emotionally. She had come to rely on Coco to help her manage her diabetes to such a degree that she had no idea how she would cope without her. There had been a small part of Alice hoping that, at each stage of selection, Coco would fail the criteria required.
No such luck, she thought.
Coco pressed her nose into Alice’s hand, her hot breath almost a kiss, and the affection clear in her deep brown eyes.
‘Do you think Coco gets bored, being with me every day?’ Alice asked, as Jamie signalled to overtake a carful of students with music blaring, carefree in the sunshine. ‘Do you think she’d find it more fulfilling doing the detection job?’
Jamie frowned. ‘Stop giving that dog human emotions. She doesn’t know she’s sniffing for cancer – she can’t evaluate the consequences. And she has an amazing life with you.’ He fell silent, manoeuvring through the traffic as he quickly changed course and pulled into the motorway services, stopping abruptly before they even reached the cluster of shops.
He unclipped his seat belt and swivelled in his seat. ‘That’s better. I can’t have a conversation like this without seeing your face. You’re a genius at hiding your emotions, Alice Walker, but I like to think I’m learning the signals.’
Alice flushed. She wasn’t entirely sure that made her feel comfortable.
‘Look, I can’t deny that you’re in a spot here. And, to be honest, part of me wishes we’d never even pursued this. But I get it, Alice. I truly do. How anyone can expect you two to part ways is beyond me. And I genuinely feel that you need to think of yourself in all this. And, if that’s not enough, then your livelihood. Can you be your best self at work, if you’re constantly on edge about hypos?’ He shrugged. ‘It’s probably not for me to say, but please don’t get swept up in the guilt. There’s a lot of pressure on you to decide, to commit, to sacrifice for the greater good and God knows, Judith is a professional at laying it on with a shovel. But I don’t see it that way. Okay?’ He reached over and squeezed her hand, Coco instantly leaning in to lick him. ‘I’ve got your back,’ he said firmly.
Alice could only nod, his empathy so genuine and insightful. If only it really were that easy. How many patients had she seen at The Practice this week alone, whose lives would have been fundamentally altered by early detection?
‘Thank you,’ she said simply. Their friendship allowed a certain shorthand these days, the hours spent together seemingly bringing them closer together, even as Alice’s decision time loomed inexorably on the horizon.
Alice sank back into her seat as Jamie rejoined the steady flow of traffic and his beloved Eighties soundtrack filled the silence. Maybe Bucks Fizz had a point, she realised, as the lyrics of their song filtered into her subconscious – the time really had come for making her mind up. One way or the other.
She closed her eyes and allowed her thoughts to drift. Maybe if she climbed the Three Peaks with Taffy, they could raise enough to train another dog, a different dog? And that was when Alice realised the extent of her problem – she didn’t want just any dog, she wanted Coco. And she wasn’t entirely sure that money could buy the skill in detecting cancer that Coco had so spontaneously acquired. So, even with funding on the table, somebody somewhere was going to be short-changed.
As she swallowed hard and pretended to be asleep, Coco’s head heavy on her knees, she didn’t see the look of concern on Jamie’s face; his emotional investment in their project so obviously running far beyond the professional.
It was probably just as well.