Chapter Twenty-Seven
Eventually he could breathe again. Eventually he moved them to the bed. Clumsily, though, his muscles still shaking, his chest still heaving, still chasing air that was escaping him, refusing to fill his lungs. Sweat dripped from his body, but he refused to let go of Kat, keeping her pinned on top of him, one arm across her back holding her to him, the other stretched above his head, gripping the edge of the mattress, anchoring him to the bed because he wasn’t sure he was completely down to earth yet. Wasn’t sure if Kat was even conscious, but at least she was breathing.
Or trying to anyway.
There were no words for what just happened. From the excruciating white-hot pleasure, to the most unimaginable orgasm he’d ever had. He swore he had truly blacked out for a moment. At least he’d warned her, but Holy Christ, even he had never imagined he’d had that in him. It went beyond losing control. Way beyond. A part of himself he’d never known was inside him.
Jesus.
“Am I alive?” Kat breathed, her body still trembling with aftershocks.
He laughed. Where the air came from, he didn’t know. His. She was his and he was blown away by that. So certain…Ah hell. It didn’t matter. Not now. Not when he had her in his arms, still trying to recover. Eventually he’d let her up. In a day.
Maybe two.
“Hot.”
“Thanks.”
Kat huffed out a laugh, the sound vibrating through him and he closed his eyes against the bittersweet sound, a sound he knew he’d need to hear for the rest of his life, desperately needing to hold onto the moment, but reality was crashing its way back much too fast. And he might not be one to pray, but he couldn’t stop himself from doing it now, begging for the chance to always keep her his.
“I meant I’m hot. Is the air working?”
It didn’t feel like it. “Can’t let you up yet.”
She turned her head, kissing his chest, reminding him he hadn’t even taken the time to undress them completely. They both still had their shirts on, only their lower halves bare and that’s only because he hadn’t been able to walk with his pants around his ankles. “Not the way I imagined being inside you again.”
Kat raised her head, the smile she bestowed on him lighting the room as if the sun had risen, her beautiful green eyes shining with everything he’d been longing to see.
“I love you, Kat.” Simply said, yet so full of emotion. He brought his arm around, buried his fingers in the nape of her neck and brought her head down to his, kissing her softly on her lips. “So much.” He was surprised his voice didn’t crack halfway through.
“I love you, too. And for the record, that was exactly the way I wanted you inside me again. Although I’d definitely like to hear how you imagined it.”
Stephen pulled her head down to his, kissing her softly on the lips. “First of all, we would have been naked.”
Kat laughed and pushed herself up so she was straddling him. Grudgingly, he let her move. She took off her shirt, helped him remove his. “Better?”
“Better.” He raised his legs, so she could lean against them, stroking her hair, her body, her breasts. And the diamond in her belly button. All the parts he missed during that crazy ride. He worried he hurt her, knew she’d be pissed if he asked so he let it go. Still, it awed him, stole the very air from his lungs, the strength of her passion, the wild part of herself.
“You bring it out in me,” she said, as if reading his thoughts.
She was so young, only twenty-three, hadn’t really lived since she was seventeen. She couldn’t possibly know that.
“Who could top that?”
“Nobody,” he growled. “Ever.” It was way too late for her to find out. “Now please get out of my head.”
“Not in your head. It’s your eyes. I can see what you’re thinking again,” she said in amazement. “You used to be so open, easy to read, easy to laugh. I envied that, the last time we were together. And it’s been mostly missing these past few days.” Once again, she sounded a little sad. “I’m so sorry—”
“No regrets, Kat. No guilt. You’re here. You’re mine. I am most definitely yours. Always. For the rest of the night, it’s enough.”
“Always,” she whispered, then said, “Let me up. I’m…sticky.”
And that quickly, he froze again, his life flashing before his eyes despite the words he’d just said to her. Prison…Kat pregnant. Alone. Ah shit. And even if he wasn’t arrested, he had no job prospects. He’d gotten the fourth turn down earlier today. Not unexpected, but still just as devastating. This is exactly why he should never have—
“So help me God, Stephen, if you finish that thought!”
“Jesus, woman. What the hell?”
“Please don’t regret touching me.”
Her voice was unsure now, a whisper of pain dimming the laughter in her eyes and he couldn’t stand it. And he promised himself that for the rest of the dwindling night, he’d keep the future out. Refused to give it a thought, or at least to voice those thoughts. “Hell no, I don’t regret touching you, Kat.”
She breathed deep, let it out slowly, still looking at him a little warily. “I’m on the pill. After that last scare. And I haven’t been with anybody else.”
He’d hoped. Suspected. But that didn’t diminish the primal satisfaction that she was only his. Had only been his. Would be only his and he hoped to high heaven she wouldn’t read those damn thoughts. But the satisfaction must have been in his eyes because she rolled hers. “I haven’t either,” he laughed, then sobered. “Not since that day I first met you in the café. Since the very first time I saw you.”
She was utterly silent, staring into his eyes, her smile once again brilliant, matching his he was sure.
“That was months ago.”
“It was. But I knew then you were my future.”
“How? We fought constantly. Still do.”
“Yeah. But the make-up sex is unbelievable.”
Kat laughed.
“Besides, you’ll learn.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask.”
“Love, honor, obey.”
“Obey?” Kat laughed again.
“To the letter.”
“I think that part went out with the dark ages.”
“Oh no, it didn’t,” Stephen corrected. “It’s made a spectacular come-back. In fact, it’s all the rage now.”
Kat laughed again, her smile wide, the moonlight shining on her hair, her naked body. “I didn’t agree to that.”
“You did,” he corrected again. “I even warned you.”
“When?”
“‘You have no idea what you’re unleashing.’ Sound familiar?”
“No.”
“You, baby girl, are lying,” Stephen laughed. “What was your response?”
“Well, I didn’t think you’d turn into a caveman!”
“Now you play innocent?” he asked, incredulous. “Too late. You knew exactly what you were doing, knew what you were saying. Now answer me. What was your response?”
Kat smiled, leaning down to press her lips to his. “I do.”
He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair as it cascaded around him. “Not the last time you’ll be saying those words to me.”
***
“Kat?” Stephen breathed, not quite panicked, but close. Cold sheets. Proof she hadn’t been in bed for a while. Shit! If she’d run again—
“I’m here.”
Physically, maybe. But her mind was a million miles away.
Or more precisely, seven.
He followed her voice, seeing her silhouette in front of the windows. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. If she said one word about regret…he’d fucking lose it. Had he come on too strong the night before? Pushing her too fast? Jesus, talk of marriage. A dumb ass move. Way too soon.
She turned, facing him. “Don’t get mad—”
Nothing good ever followed words like that, but Stephen held in a retort, even though his heart pounded with fear. Patience, he thought. She needed patience, because he knew better than anybody how hard this was for her. Knew he wasn’t the only man she loved and even as that knowledge killed him, it was a fact he was going to have to live with. At least for the time being.
“—but I need to go home.”
“Okay,” he said carefully, standing up from the bed. Dawn hadn’t even broken yet, and she needed to go? To crawl back into bed with Ethan before he noticed she was gone? This wasn’t how he pictured the morning after.
But he didn’t miss Kat’s gaze moving over his naked body as he walked toward her. Or hide his reaction. The arousal he saw on her face eased his fear. A little.
“Alone.” He heard her plea for understanding. And he understood. And even though the fear returned full force. Kat being alone with Ethan wasn’t a good thing right now. Because he had no clue how hard it would be for Ethan to change her mind.
“Okay,” he repeated, closing the distance between them, placing his hands on her hips and his lips on her mouth. She looked relieved.
“You want to go to lunch today?” The feel of her hands on his bare chest had the rest of his fear melting away. Mostly. “Sounds perfect. What time?”
“Noon?”
By his estimate, that gave her somewhere between six and seven hours alone with Ethan. How long could it possibly take to tell the man to take a hike? But he didn’t let those thoughts show on his face. Instead, he smiled. He could be reasonable. “Sure.”
Kat looked up at him skeptically. “What’s wrong with you?”
“What in the world are you talking about?”
Kat laughed, the sound filling every cell in his body. Jesus, he hoped to hear that sound every single day for the rest of his life. “Where’d the caveman routine go?”
“Why? You miss it already?”
“No,” she said, but wasn’t quite convincing. “I’m just not buying it.”
“I can be a gentleman,” Stephen replied, affronted.
She laughed again, this time wrapping her arms around his neck. “Yeah, right,” she said, planting a kiss on his lips. “That, Stephen, I am definitely not buying.”
***
He lost her.
The agony ripped through his entire body, more painful than he’d have ever imagined. He felt the sting of tears that refused to be pushed back, no matter how hard he fought them.
“Fuck!” he roared, scaring Jake, his big eyes staring at him before he jumped off the bed and ran out of Kat’s bedroom. Ethan dropped to edge of the bed, his head nearly between his knees as gripped his hair as if that would keep it from exploding, fighting back the tears with everything he had.
He wasn’t sure how long he sat there fighting, lost in a despair so deep he thought his heart might stop, each painful beat tearing another piece of his soul with it.
And then he felt her presence.
Jesus Christ, he didn’t want her to see him like this. Beaten. Broken. He stood, going into the bathroom without looking at her, hoping she wouldn’t be there when he came out.
He started the shower, waited for it to warm. He should have left as soon as she’d chased after Stephen. But he hadn’t been able to force himself from her bed, the scent of her clinging to the pillows, increasing the anguish.
He stayed in the shower until the water ran cold, bracing his arms against the tile, his head hanging down as the water cascaded over his shoulders and back, unable to stop the flood of memories that bombarded him. Wondering how the hell he was ever going to move on from this, his fucking dream for long, so close he could reach out and touch it.
Gone, like a puff of smoke.
Fucking Chandler.
So many fucking mistakes. Apparently, one too many.
His hands trembled as he turned off the water, were still trembling as he dried himself off. His Kat, no longer his. Gone before she ever truly was.
And hell, she was still there when he came out. Sitting on the end of the bed when he walked back into her bedroom. In that moment he didn’t completely trust himself. The need to lift her into his arms and kiss her senseless overwhelming.
But he wouldn’t be able to stop. Without a word, without so much as a glance, he left her bedroom, making a beeline for the door. He didn’t want to hear the words again. Didn’t need to hear her spell it out for him.
But she followed him, right on his heels as he tried to escape. He sucked in a breath and clamped his mouth shut, scared he’d say something he’d regret.
“Ethan, wait!” she choked out, her voice sounding just as broken as his heart.
He froze with his hand on the doorknob, knowing he’d never refuse her anything, despite the ache it caused. But he didn’t turn around, couldn’t look at her.
“I don’t need it spelled out, Kat,” he whispered in the darkness. “And I can’t have this conversation right now.” And if he sounded vulnerable right now? Well, he’d learned his lesson about lies, hadn’t he? Even if they were lies of omission, because had she known how he felt all these years, they wouldn’t be standing where they were, would they?
“I want—”
“You know what I want?” he yelled, whipping around, despite all his intentions to get out of her house without a fight, without a scene. “I want you! I have always fucking wanted you! And for the life of me, I can’t understand how can you love him more than you love me!” Ah, shit. Shit, shit, shit. He hadn’t meant to say that. Hadn’t wanted to say anything. Just wanted to get the hell out of there, couldn’t stand knowing she’d just come from another man’s bed. He yanked the door open, only managing a step before Kat grabbed his arm.
“Please, Ethan! I don’t want to lose you!”
The pain in her voice killed him, sliced through him deeper than his own. He felt the burn of tears again, but as desperately as he needed to leave, he couldn’t force himself to leave her like this. He whirled around, grabbed her up in his arms, using one hand to twist in her hair, crushing his mouth to hers, tasting the salt of her tears on her lips as they mingled with his, wondering how in the hell she could be tearing them apart when it was so obvious to him they loved each other, wanted each other. Belonged together. Before he lost control, before he opened his mouth to slide his tongue against hers, before he reduced himself to begging, he let her go. Holding her face in his hands, he rested his forehead against hers for a moment. “You will never lose me, sweetheart.”