Chapter Twenty-Two
I love you, Kat.
Ethan’s words whispered through her ear as she stretched, luxuriating in the feel of warm hands gripping her waist, pulling her on top of a hard body. Rain hit the windows, the soothing sound pulling her back under as she released a contented sigh.
“Morning, Kat.”
Stephen’s voice, not Ethan’s.
She bolted awake. Stephen stared down at her, his incredibly sexy smile stirring the butterflies in her stomach.
“Oh God,” she mumbled, desperately trying to wiggle free. She didn’t remember him coming in her room, wasn’t sure how long he’d been there. And then she wondered if he smelled Ethan’s scent clinging to her. And maybe it hadn’t been Ethan’s words as she’d thought.
No…
Stephen had never said those words to her.
I want forever.
You are my life, Kat.
Her struggles intensified, becoming panicked before Stephen finally let her go. She ran down the hall to the bathroom, avoiding the one in her bedroom, feeling trapped in a sick game of musical beds.
Or musical men.
“Oh God,” she mumbled again as she washed her hands and face. It was too early to deal with this. She glanced longingly at the shower, but there was no way she’d be naked with Stephen in the house. Not with the flimsy lock on the door he could pop in seconds.
But she couldn’t face him. Not yet. Her stomach churned, guilt mixing with shame and self-loathing when the full events of last night came back to her. Going from Stephen’s arms to Ethan’s only minutes later.
What the hell was she thinking?
She wasn’t. She gulped in huge mouthfuls of air, in danger of hyperventilating as panic set in. Shit shit shit. What the hell was she supposed to do now? She turned on the shower, pacing the small bathroom, wringing her hands together. She froze when she heard the floor creak outside the bathroom and stared at the doorknob. Go away, she silently prayed. Please, please go away.
And to her complete relief, he did.
She sank against the door, waiting for her heart to stop pounding as steam filled the room. Ten minutes stretching to twenty before she could move. After turning off the shower without getting in, she slowly peeked out into the hallway.
Empty.
In her bedroom, she pulled on a pair of running shorts and put a bra on under her shirt before grabbing her phone, ignoring the slight pain as the bra strap rubbed against her wound. She checked her phone. According to the alert, Stephen had come at quarter after seven. Three hours ago. But that wasn’t the worst part. No, the worst part would be when Ethan’s truck came up her driveway half an hour later.
What the hell was her alarm good for if she slept through it? Twice.
Resisting the urge to watch the video playback, she stuffed the phone in her shorts, forcing herself to take a calming breath as she went downstairs, following the scent of coffee to the kitchen.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, trying to sound casual, but wasn’t sure she pulled it off.
“You missed check-in. Again.”
Ah. That probably should have annoyed her, but she was too full of other emotions to deal with, so she let it go. Instead she took the coffee he handed her, sipping it gratefully. She stared at a spot on his chest, unable to meet his eyes, fear that he’d read the guilt on her face and put two and two together. But knowing Stephen, he’d push until she broke and that was the last thing she wanted. In any dealing with Stephen, she needed to be on her full game, and this morning she definitely was not.
She turned away from him, looking out the French doors. It was gloomy outside, matching her mood. Rainy. Fog so thick she could barely see the pool. She longed for the sun, longed to feel the heat warming her skin. Because she suddenly felt cold from the inside out, as if it was the dead of winter.
Stephen came up behind her, but didn’t touch her. Not that it mattered. He was too close, the heat from his body pouring into her even through the space between them. She turned slightly to look at him. Then wished she hadn’t. Wearing jeans and a blue button-down shirt, that made his eyes appear even bluer, looking so damn beautiful and sexy. And that quickly, she wanted him. Instantly. No matter how she felt about Ethan, her desire and need for Stephen was so powerful it stole her breath.
This couldn’t continue. She wouldn’t survive it. But how the hell was she supposed to choose between her first love and her first lover? And somewhere in the back of her mind, she thought they really should have been one in the same.
The guilt she felt increased ten-fold as Stephen reached down, entwining their fingers, her own hand so small in his large one. Those hands that could bring her pleasure she’d only known with him. She was so torn, needed time to process everything that had happened last night, knowing Stephen being here was a distraction she didn’t need, muddying already murky waters.
Without warning, Stephen lifted her, turning her until he dropped her butt on the counter, keeping her in place with his hands on her waist. “What happened between last night and this morning, Kat?”
“Nothing.” A lie when she’d sworn she would never lie to this man again. But what else could she say? Ethan professed his undying love for me, told me I was his very reason for breathing. Everything I’d ever dreamed he would say. Everything I’d ever dreamed he would feel. Saying things I’ve waited six long years for him to say before kissing me senseless. And I was so caught up in the moment, so amazed and dazed and overwhelmed that I let him.
Let him, Kat? More like took it to the next level.
Stephen moved closer, spreading her knees apart with his hips until he was standing between her legs. She could feel his eyes on her but refused to meet his, knowing he’d see way too much. He squeezed her waist, an attempt to get her attention so she’d look at him, but she couldn’t bring herself to. Because meeting that piercing blue gaze of his? She’d break. Her tears were way too close, her turmoil too close to the surface, threatening to crush her, squeezing her heart until she could barely breathe.
“He was here when I left.” Stephen’s tone said exactly what he thought of that. “So I’ll ask you again, Kat. What happened?” The edge in his voice was unmistakable. Though it wasn’t filled with jealousy or anger as she would have expected. She made the mistake of glancing up at him, their eyes meeting for a few heartbeats before she looked away, her heart nearly breaking when she saw the pain in his eyes that matched his tone.
This wasn’t just killing her, it was slowly killing all of them. How the hell had it come to this?
“Nothing,” she repeated. “We went to bed. Separately,” she added in a rush. “He went home. Back to his own house. Across the highway.” Kat clamped her mouth shut. She was babbling, her nerves getting the best of her. “You should go. I have things to do.”
Silence again before a definitive, “No.”
Her heartbeat sped up, fast and instantaneous. Still, she refused to glance up at him again. He was baiting her, probably itching for an argument. One she’d never win right now. Not when she was so vulnerable, too weak. She let it go, biting her tongue against the verbal bashing she wanted to deliver.
“It’s killing you, isn’t it?” he laughed.
Being near him was killing her. Breathing in his scent and not being able to give into her desire and demand that he just take her was a special form of torture. Because no matter what had happened between her and Ethan last night, it in no way diminished the sexual pull she felt for Stephen. It was always there, like a living, breathing thing, crackling in the air between them, inescapable in its intensity.
“I won’t lose you, Kat.”
The force behind his words was shocking in their passion. Her heart thumped painfully against her chest. Oh God, she couldn’t do this now. “I’m not yours to lose.”
Stephen chuckled, the deep, intimate sound adding to the fire heightened by his words. “You are.”
“I beg to differ.”
She looked up just in time to see his wicked smile. “I like you begging. In fact, I seem to remember you begging for all sorts of things.”
How that turned her on was ridiculous, a reminder of how glorious it felt being completely possessed by Stephen Chandler. Not that she’d ever admit that to him. “I wasn’t the only one,” Kat scoffed, taking the cue from him to lighten the mood.
“And when, pray tell, did I beg?”
Kat rolled her eyes, remembering that last time against her wall. As if reading her mind, he laughed again, low and sexy and she felt the smile curling her lips even though she tried to fight it. “That wasn’t begging, Kat. More like demanding. Which you seem to respond quite well to.” He paused. “As we both well know.”
“Jesus, Stephen,” Kat gasped, wishing she could look away from him, unable to do so.
“That’s your comeback? Certainly, you can come up with something a little sexier than that? Or better yet, why don’t you describe exactly how excited you get when I take control, when I’m demanding you come for me? When I take complete possession of your body.”
Trust Stephen to make her laugh, when a few minutes ago she wouldn’t have thought that impossible. “You’re—”
“An arrogant ass. So you’ve said. Repeatedly. But don’t even try denying that it turns you on, reduces you to a quivering mess. Bet you’re begging right now, aren’t you? Even though you won’t voice the words.”
“Not true.” And she felt the answering need as her body responded to that look, to the wicked seduction in his tone. This power he had over her, the power he’d always seemed to have since the first time their eyes met. So much stronger now that she knew exactly what he could do to her, how much pleasure he could rip from her body until she was reduced to—yes, she admitted—a begging, quivering mess, nearly passing out, the pleasure so intense.
“Seriously? You’re not challenging me right now, are you? When I have you at my mercy?”
She knew better.
“Answer me.”
“Honestly can’t think of a single thing to say,” Kat laughed, enjoying the game. A game they’d played a lot, yet never had it been quite so…explicit.
“Then tell me this. If I reached down, slid my fingers up your thigh and inside your panties, how wet would I find you?”
Soaking wet. Though she refused to admit that to him.
“Wet enough to take my big, hard—”
“Oh my God! Stop!” Kat laughed. “I surrender.”
He gave her a beautiful smile. The smile of an angel even as his eyes sparkled like the devil. “Which is exactly what I wanted to hear.”
Stephen dropped a kiss on her mouth. “And for the record, I was going to say body.”
“Yeah, right.”
***
Kat clasped the neck of her gown and took one last glance in the mirror. Wow. The halter neckline clung to her breasts, revealing plenty of cleavage, the fitted bodice hugging her body like a second skin before flaring out from there, all the way to the floor. Sexy as all get out, but still classy. She did a slow turn, exposing her back to the mirror, bare all the way down to the top of her ass.
Nearly, anyway.
She’d spent hours getting ready, and she had to admit, the end result was stunning. Her hair gleamed, falling in soft waves down her back, her smoky makeup and red lipstick adding the perfect touch. She felt glamourous and unbelievably sexy.
In the gown that had been purchased for the sole purpose of bringing Stephen Chandler to his knees.
Only, she wasn’t wearing it for Stephen.
She was wearing it for Ethan.
She shoved away the guilt. At least for the night.
She caught sight of her red nail polish, a smile tugging at her lips. After a botched attempt when Stephen swore he could paint her nails, he had taken her to the salon. And he’d sat there, the only man in the place, his attention focused solely on her while she’d gotten a manicure and pedicure, as they both ignored the stares and whispers from the other customers.
And then he’d taken her to lunch, spending the day with her when she would have wallowed in the decision that was weighing on her mind, growing increasingly heavier with each passing second. She’d known he was keeping her from the case, playing bodyguard, but didn’t doubt for one second that he was exactly where he wanted to be. For a few hours, she’d let every thought go, let herself enjoy being with Stephen as they both ignored the fact that she was going to a gala tonight with another man. He’d dropped her off at her door, giving her a slow lingering kiss but hadn’t come inside.
Her phone beeped, alerting her Ethan was on his way up and she breathed out a sigh of relief. She hadn’t talked to him all day, had begun to wonder if he had even remembered. And then felt guilty yet again with that little voice deep down said it might be a good thing if he didn’t.
“Kat! You ready?” Ethan yelled when he walked in.
“I’ll be right down,” she called out, turning one more time before the mirror, nerves suddenly getting the best of her. Questioning everything she’d just loved about the gown. The back, the front—
But Ethan’s sharp intake of breath cut off all her doubts. She hadn’t heard him come up the stairs. When their gazes met in the mirror, every thought in her head flew out. Her heart jumped, his light blue eyes glowing with everything he’d revealed last night, looking so incredibly handsome in his tuxedo, it stole her breath. And for the first time in so very long, she allowed herself to drink him in. Not as her best friend, but as the man she’d been in love with since she was seventeen years old. Six years of memories besieged her, gradually draining the flood of tension they’d been drowning in the past few days.
She couldn’t seem to make her feet move, couldn’t tear her gaze from his. And suddenly she was fighting an overwhelming urge to cry at the mess their relationship was at the moment. Slowly, Ethan started walking further into her bedroom, his gaze holding hers.
“You’re stunning, Kat,” Ethan whispered softly. “So very beautiful you make my heart weep.”
Reverence. Something she’d never heard in his voice before, words he’d never said to her before. She wanted to look away, close her eyes against everything that was glowing in his, part of her unable to believe this wasn’t a dream, that she’d waken in a cold and lonely bed. Ethan entwined her hand in his, brought it to his lips, kissing her softly before pulling her closer, gently pressing his mouth against hers with his hand on her bare back, his kiss feeling so incredibly intimate, as if they were already lovers. He lingered another beat before leading her down the stairs without turning around, as if he couldn’t bear the thought of taking his eyes off her. “I’d carry you if I wasn’t worried it would rip your gown. Or wrinkle it.”
“You look gorgeous, Ethan,” Kat breathed when she could finally find her voice. Her heart was still hammering, so loud she wondered if he could hear it, completely wrapped up in the moment. She felt like she needed to pinch herself. This was Ethan! her brain kept shouting.
“Your carriage awaits, my lady,” Ethan said eloquently as he opened the door.
“A limo?” Surprised, she looked at the car with wonder.
“You’re too good for my truck, remember?”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “I remember.”
Ethan cupped her face in his hands, bringing her attention back to him. “Tonight was meant to be a date. A real date, from the moment I asked you.”
But things hadn’t gone as expected this week, she thought. Kat nodded, swept off her feet again. She looked beyond Ethan’s shoulder at the elegant black car in the driveway, complete with a chauffeur, who was now opening the passenger side door. She couldn’t help but gasp at the luxuriousness when she sank into the leather seats, Ethan getting in behind her. Once they were on the road, Ethan poured a glass of champagne.
“I really shouldn’t,” Kat sighed, but she took the delicate flute anyway, even as she told herself she needed a clear head.
“One glass, Kat.”
And apparently, she didn’t need that much convincing. She took a sip before he could make a toast, because no way was she going there tonight. The bubbles tickled her throat, tasting so good as it went down that her sip turned into a gulp. And another.
“Nervous, sweetheart?”
Oh, God. Why did he have to call her that? Stephen called her that. No, no, no. As big as this car was, there was no room in here for Stephen. But even as she tried to shove him from of her thoughts, he refused to leave. Just like the man himself.
I won’t lose you, Kat.
I’m not yours to lose.
But somewhere deep down she got the feeling she’d been Stephen’s from the first moment he’d ever touched her. She would have sworn that hearing Ethan say he loves her would have crushed any feelings she had for him. Yet this morning proved her need for Stephen hadn’t diminished, but grew every single time they were together.
Yet when she looked at Ethan, her heart broke, so afraid of losing him. She’d been in love with him for so damn long and now that the box was open, she couldn’t stuff the feelings back inside where they belonged. Ethan moved, refilling the champagne flute she hadn’t realized was empty. One more, she thought, glancing up at Ethan then wishing she hadn’t.
Why hadn’t he told her months ago? During their long, cold winter when they’d spent nearly every minute together…
Emma. He’d been dating Emma then, protecting her from Stephen.
“Your timing isn’t…ideal.”
Shit. She hadn’t meant to blurt that out. She felt Ethan’s entire body stiffen, his own champagne flute freezing in mid-air on the way to his mouth. He set his glass very carefully in the cup holder without taking a sip.
He said nothing until she glanced up at him. “I know,” he admitted softly, shocking her speechless. He scooted closer, turning his body toward hers. He ran his finger down her cheek, his gaze following the movement before resting on her lips. “A mistake I hope I don’t have to spend the rest of my life regretting.”
He looked into her eyes then, no longer hiding anything from her, everything right there for her to see, only inches away.
“You had your chance.” The pain-filled words came out on an exhale. He’d come out to California shortly after she’d started at Stanford, surprising her a week before her birthday in November. And in that moment, caught off guard when he’d knocked on her door and she’d seen him standing there, she’d known in that moment she loved him. He’d traveled across the country just to see her. Just to spend the weekend with her. And at the end of those two days… Ah, that was the humiliating part, a place she never visited anymore, the pain still as sharp now as it had been then.
He’d taken her to dinner. A beautiful restaurant overlooking the bay after spending the day in San Francisco. When he’d brought her back to the dorm, she’d kissed him with all the emotions a young girl felt, crazy in love with him.
Her hero.
Her dream.
Until he’d grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away, breaking her heart with every word that came out of his mouth when he admitted he didn’t feel that way about her, shattering what was left of her already shattered heart.
“I was in love with you then,” Ethan admitted on a sigh. “You were so strong, so courageous in the face of tragedy. Determined to find justice for your parents, taking steps to make sure you were prepared. It…killed me to hurt you that night.”
Kat choked back tears that so desperately wanted to escape. She wasn’t sure if those tears were for the young girl she’d been or the woman she was now, caught in an impossible situation, a decision she didn’t want to make. “I don’t understand.”
“You were still a child—”
“I wasn’t.”
“You were seventeen, Kat, six years separating us. You’d just lost your entire family. Would you have had me take advantage of that? Take away the rest of your childhood? Your chance to find happiness? What choice did I have?”
“You could have told me all that.”
“To what end?” Ethan asked, running his finger down her cheek, regret swirling in his eyes. “There was an entire country between you and the nightmares you’d suffered through. A chance to start over, put past behind you. Live, date, go to parties, enjoy your college years, supposedly the best years of your life. That’s what I wanted for you.”
Yet, that wasn’t what happened, was it? Instead she’d buried herself in her studies, taking on way too much, barely sleeping or eating, getting through each class, crossing it off her checklist. Those months in between seeing Ethan unbearably long and lonely. And she couldn’t finish fast enough, couldn’t transfer to New York fast enough. She’d told Stephen it was because SUNY was the number two school in the nation for criminal justice, but that was only part of the reason. The other part being closer to Ethan.
“The night of the fire, I was just in the right place at the right time, still reeling from my own father’s death. You looked at me like I was a hero, Kat. Even if you were older, I still wouldn’t have taken advantage of that. I never would have known if you loved me for me. Or felt you owed me.”
Kat closed her eyes, resting her head against the window, unable to deny the truth of his words. “And since then?” she whispered.
“You were so focused on finding your parent’s killer. You had no room for anything else in your life,” Ethan said with a sigh. “You remember this past winter? Remember how happy you were, how alive you felt? That’s what I was waiting for, sweetheart. When you weren’t living in the nightmare of your past but living in the joy of the present. And we were so damn close. Then you found those pictures, and everything turned to hell again.
“And I had to lay in that damn hospital bed,” he continued, “knowing you were falling for another man, and I was powerless to do anything about it. Then you were kidnapped, tortured…”
He gave a dry laugh that held no humor, drank the rest of his champagne in one gulp. “And I had to watch as he broke your heart, give you time to get over him. Pray you’d stop crying out for him in your sleep when your arms were around me.”
Kat sucked in breath, Ethan’s pain crushing in its intensity.
“You needed time.”
To get over Stephen. Which, in her heart, she knew hadn’t happened yet. And how it must kill Ethan that Stephen was back in the picture. “I was waiting to see that smile again. The real one. Not the fake one you show the world.”
He kissed her again, so softly. “I’m not your hero, Kat. I’m just a man who’s madly in love with you. One who’s made so many damn mistakes where you’re concerned. But I’m asking for your forgiveness. Asking you to give us a chance.”
Ethan moved his hand into her hair, gently bringing her forward, increasing the pressure of his lips until she opened her mouth beneath his, his tongue sliding against hers. And it was impossible not to fall under Ethan’s spell again when he was saying all the things she’d always wanted to hear, when his tongue slid against hers in a slow sensuous dance. Just like last night when she’d been so seduced by his words, by his touch, unable to push him away.