RYAN
My hands won’t stop shaking.
My mouth still tastes of her and it’s making me feel lightheaded.
I can’t go back out there like this. I don’t want to be this version of myself. I want to be the Ryan that she needs.
Strong.
Dominant.
In control.
I see how she responds when I take over. She wants to give in and let me be in charge, and it’s exactly what I need. To be myself. To exercise all of my innate tendencies that I’ve pushed down for so long. During my marriage because it wouldn’t have been what Corina needed, and after she died, because there was no room in my grief for anyone other than me.
Jessie is everything. Not perfect in the eyes of the world but perfect for me.
I clasp the edge of the basin to hold my hands
steady and look at myself in the mirror.
Tired eyes greet me, the mirror reflecting back exactly the way I feel
right now. I haven’t had a good night
sleep in months. The bed feels too big
and my soul feels too empty. Days pass
and I still feel completely disconnected from my own reality, but the more time
I spend with Jessie, the more I feel myself coming back.
Do you believe in fate? Or a higher power? Do you believe that you can need something so
badly and that the world has potential to drop it into your lap at just the
right moment? Or maybe destiny sends you
to find it when you need it most. That’s
how I feel about the girl I left on my bed.
She’s like a gift that I didn’t ask for but that I’ve been given
anyway. She’s a gift that I wasn’t
expecting but I find that I need more than I really want to accept.
I run the faucet and splash my face with water. The coolness brings me out of my thoughts. I left Jessie there without saying a word. Will she still be there if I go back into the room? Do I want her to be? I’m not sure. What will I say? What will I do? I was ready to give her what I knew she needed, but am I ready for her to do the same for me? For me to give her pleasure doesn’t feel like I’m taking advantage of her. Maybe that’s stupid. It’s her body and she’s decided she’s willing to sell it for the price I was willing to pay, but it still gnaws at my conscience. Just because it’s possible to buy something, doesn’t mean that it’s always right to take part in that transaction. I thought it would be easier. It’s not the first time I’ve paid for sex, but it is the first time I’ve bought it from someone who wasn’t already selling it.
I’ve dragged Jessie into a world she wasn’t intending to enter with the lure of more money that she could never realistically turn down, and now I’ve done it…
I dry my hands.
Time to face the music. Time to stop worrying about things that I know wouldn’t cross the minds of most of my so called friends. They’re comfortable with wield their money like an axe at morality. The memories of where I came from are still too vivid, the choices my ma had to make too stark for me to be that way. Or at least, to feel bad about it.
I open the door to the bathroom and see that the room is empty. She must have thought that I wanted her to leave.
I guess it’s a good thing. I have work to do and at least this way I can avoid potentially having to explain myself.
I call down to housekeeping to come and strip the bed and then to the kitchen to order some food for Jessie and me. At the very least I can make sure that her needs are met while she’s here. After, I make my way to my office, listening out in the corridor for Jessie. There’s no music tonight, just the rush of water. She’s showering. I guess she needs to. There was no doubt that she was turned on by what I did to her.
In my office, I fire up my laptop and start the arduous process of trawling through my emails. There are reports I should be reading and things I need to respond to. People are waiting on me to make decisions, but somehow nothing feels that important anymore. I stare at the screen, my hands balanced on the edge of my large walnut desk, and itch to tell the Board of Directors what I’ve been putting off for the past few weeks. I need some time off. I’m exhausted. I’ve lost the drive and passion for the company I built from nothing.
I’m worried about how the markets will respond to me no longer being at the helm. Confidence in a company can tip on news like this. I don’t want to do anything that’s going to put other people’s jobs at risk. The worst thing is that there isn’t really anyone on my Board who I feel is ready to take over from me, even for a short time. I can’t advertise the role and keep my predicament secret. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place but I have to do this. There’s no putting it off. There’s no pushing through.
I go back and read this week’s financials. Sales and profits are at record levels and we’ve achieved that without any kind of drive for efficiencies. I know from experience that approach can strip a company of more than costs. The company is in the place I’ve always wanted it to be and now I have to let it go. I reply to a few emails, let my PA know that she needs to cancel everything in my schedule for the next week. I tell her that I have other commitments that I need to attend to. I tell her that she can contact me if there is an emergency but that I won’t always respond straight away.
I start to draft an email to the board but decide to ask my PA to notify them of my whereabouts. It’s cleaner. Less chance that someone is going to pick up the phone to find out what is going on with me. I call the HR director and tell her what I need her to do.
I hear Janet go knocking on Jessie’s door and their conversation. Jessie laughs and it’s a lovely light sound. I hope it’s because she likes the food that I’ve ordered for her, or maybe it’s the completely over the top way that food is served in this house; giant silver trays with plate covers, complete with a flower! I’ve even had grilled cheese arrive that way. It’s a far cry from the chipped thrift store plates of my childhood.
When I hear the door close and Janet descend the stairs I head back to my room. My own food is delivered soon after and I eat quickly. It isn’t late but I take a shower and decide to have an early night. The bed feels so big and so empty as I slide between the crisp white sheets. I lay on my back gazing at the ceiling, flexing my hands and stretching out my legs and hips. Everything feels different.
It takes a while for me to relax but I must drift off because the next thing I know I’m jolting awake.
“Ryan.”
It’s Jessie. Her hand is on my shoulder.
“Yeah,” I say. My voice is thick with sleep and confusion. What’s she doing in here?
“Are you okay?”
I turn to face her, finding her kneeling by the side of my bed. She looks so worried. “Yeah. What’s going on?”
“You must have been having a nightmare,” she says softly. “You were calling out. I thought…”
I can see that she’s worried about disturbing me. She must have waited outside the door debating whether to come inside. “It’s okay,” I say, the darkness of my dream flooding my mind. I couldn’t move. I remember now. I was sitting in my Chesterfield and I couldn’t move my arms and legs. I was screaming. “Thank you.”
“Are you okay now?” she asks.
There is such gentle concern in her voice. “I don’t know,” I say on impulse then regret it immediately. What am I expecting from her? What do I want?
She reaches out and presses her hand against my forehead in the same way my ma used to when I was a boy. Her skin is cool and her touch tender and I close my eyes at the sensation.
“Do you want me to stay with you?” she asks.
God, the thought of her sliding into this big bed with me and wrapping her arms around me is too tempting. I know how good it would feel to surrender into the care of another human being. To offload all the feelings that are warring inside me for just a while. It’s selfish. This is too much.
I know I shouldn’t say yes.
But I do.
I slide over in the bed and lift the covers slightly. Jessie doesn’t hesitate to get in beside me. It feels crazy that this seems more intimate than when I had my face buried between her legs, but it does. She lays her head down on the pillow and her eyes find mine in the darkness.
“Why did you leave… after…?” she whispers.
I take a deep breath. It’s the conversation I didn’t want to have but I can’t avoid her question.
“I thought you might need some alone time,” I say.
She blinks slowly as though she’s confused. “You thought I needed to be by myself after what we did?”
“Yeah.”
“And you didn’t think you should just tell me that rather than leaving me? I didn’t know what to do.”
She sounds disappointed in my actions and confused. It‘s difficult for me to handle because I’m disappointed in myself. “I’m sorry,” I say softly. My fingers itch to touch her cheek, to stroke her skin gently. To convey how I feel about her even though we barely know each other.
“I haven’t shared a bed with anyone since Jackson passed away.”
“You don’t have to do this,” I say. I don’t want her to do anything that is going to push her too fast. I don’t want to hurt her.
She sighs and reaches out to stroke my cheek. “I don’t understand you. You’ve bought me for a month and yet you don’t seem comfortable with what that means in reality.”
I feel my cheeks heat because despite my best efforts to conceal my difficulties with what we are doing here, she’s worked it all out. “It was an impulse purchase,” I say in an attempt to try and make light of things.
“An impulse purchase? You had fifty thousand dollars in cash in an envelope in your pocket for what reason? Is that your equivalent of loose change?”
I smile. “Yeah. You never know when you’re going to need fifty grand in a hurry.”
“You went home that first night and planned to come back.”
I nod.
“And you told me I was going to be your companion.”
“Yes.”
“What does that mean to you, Ryan? I would like to know what you want from me so that I can make sure I live up to my side of the bargain.”
I roll onto my back, staring up at the ceiling again. “I just don’t want to be alone right now,” I tell her. “There are no specific expectations from me, just that you are here and that you are available to spend time with me.”
“So it’s time that you bought?” she asks. There’s a smile in her voice. “But you want to look at me and touch me too?”
I close my eyes and remember what it was like to slide my tongue over her clit for the first time. “Yes.”
“And do you want me to touch you?” she asks. There is no embarrassment in her voice. No trepidation. It’s a simple question.
“Yes,” I say. “But only if you want to.”
“And what if I don’t want to… at all… for the entire time I’m here?”
“Then I will have to live with that.” I glance across at her and find her expression is surprised.
“You wouldn’t be angry or upset?”
“No.” I say it firmly so she understands. “I’d be disappointed,” I tell her. “But it’s your body. Your mind. Your decision.”
She blinks slowly, taking in what I’ve said. I wish I could hear her thoughts. I wish I could know for sure how she feels about what I’ve said. In the end it turns out that I don’t need to because she slides herself closer and presses her soft pink lips against mine in the sweetest kiss I’ve ever experienced and suddenly everything is different. It’s different because she’s decided this. It’s all in her control and she wants this too.
I slide my hand into her hair and grip, pressing her lips against mine harder in the way that I need. Her breath is sweet, her lips yielding to mine. When I slide my tongue over hers my cock comes to life. I start to imagine what it would feel like to slide it inside her, to feel her tight wet heat, to own her body in the way I’ve been craving since I saw her at that trashy strip club.
She moans and I roll on top of her, parting her legs with my knees and gripping her wrists in my hands. I’m minutes away from owning this woman, and I’m not going to let myself think about anything else.