JESSIE
Do you believe in fate?
I didn’t. Not until I Ryan walked into that strip club and decided, for whatever reason, that I was going to be part of his plan to end his life.
Now I believe that there was a higher plan for us. I believe that there was a force at work that day. A force that put me in the path of another person who understood all the hurt I’d experienced in the past and all the fear I held in my heart. I know I was that person for Ryan too; his balm. His salvation.
I don’t want to think about what would have happened to Ryan if he’d booked another dancer that night. Maybe he would have walked away like he did with me but maybe he never would have thought about spending thirty days trying to face his fears, even as he was planning to do the unthinkable.
And what would have happened to me? It would have taken me so long to pay off the debts that Jackson had left me with and by then I wouldn’t have been me anymore. That job was crushing my soul with every day that passed.
I don’t like the idea that I needed rescuing but I did. Maybe it’s because money was such a factor in how Ryan initially changed my life and for him it was all about the emotional bond that we formed. Do I think he would have changed his mind about his suicide had he known I was pregnant? I’m not sure. I know Ryan now. I know what he’s like when he makes a decision. He doesn’t waver from his chosen course. Not without a pretty compelling reason.
In the end it was Abbey who was his savior. Abbey. She was practically nothing; a gathering of cells and an idea of something that could be. But that was enough to wake Ryan from the madness he’d fallen into. It was enough for him to see that there was something to live for, even if his health was going to become problematic.
My belly squirms as I walk from the garage into the house and I rest my hand against where Abbey is kicking. It’s as though she can tell I’m thinking about her. My ankles are so swollen today and my hips are aching too. Ryan better be planning on giving me a foot massage before dinner! Nolan is bringing the bags from the car. I haven’t gone crazy. Just a few things for when she arrives. The bank card Ryan gave me rests uneasily in my purse. I still can’t get used to the fact that I can buy whatever I need whenever I need it. Now that I have the freedom I’m finding that I don’t actually want half the things I thought I was missing.
Maybe that’s because I’ve found the thing that was really missing; the other part of my heart.
Ryan is sitting outside. He’s staring off into the distance and my heart clenches. I don’t like to see him lost in his own thoughts because I know where those thoughts have taken him in the past. I make sure my footsteps are loud enough for him to hear me approaching and as soon as he does he turns and smiles, and just like that all my worries are gone.
“There they are,” he says as though Abbey is already a separate being. She’s going to be soon, but right now I’m enjoying her being a part of me.
“Hey, babe,” I say and lean down to kiss his lips softly. When I stand he leans forward to wrap his arms around my middle and presses a kiss on my belly. Abbey kicks her dad in the face and I laugh. “She’s going to be trouble,” I tell him.
“I hope so,” he says with another grin. He strokes my belly and I feel the tremble in his hand. It’s been getting worse and every time I notice it my heart breaks a little. I try not to think about the future too much. None of us knows what is around the corner and there is no pattern for the progression of MS. Every case is unique. I take a seat next to my man who pours me a glass of iced tea, then tells me to put my feet in his lap and gives me the foot rub I’ve been craving so badly. God, his fingers are magic. Even Abbey seems to feel his touch because she wriggles even more.
“She’s going crazy,” I tell Ryan, pulling the material of my top close to my belly so he can see her movements more clearly. My whole belly shifts.
“She’s jealous,” he says with a completely straight face. “She wants a foot rub too!”
“No way,” I say. “It’s too good to share. She’s gonna have to wait until she finds her own man.”
Ryan scowls. “No man will be good enough for my daughter,” he growls.
I roll my eyes because he’s too funny. Then, before I have a chance to reply, I feel a strange pressure between my legs.
“Oh,” I gasp, looking down to see a dark patch spreading over the crotch of my maternity jeans.
“Fuck.” Ryan flinches, shifting back on the bench seat, looking completely terrified.
“Looks like the foot rub might have had more of an effect than we were anticipating,” I say, then laugh so hard my belly shakes.
“Right.” Ryan seems to have come to his senses and is suddenly in business mode. “Darryl” he bellows.
“Relax,” I say. “No need to give the man a heart attack. It’s gonna take a while for her to come.”
“Everything is arranged,” he says as though he didn’t hear a word I said. “The bags are in the car. The private room is booked.”
I roll my eyes again. “You’ve had a room reserved for me? For how long?”
“I booked it out for a month.”
“What?”
“I’m not taking any chances, Jessie. And I don’t want to hear another word about it, okay? If I can’t use the money I have to take the best care of you that I can, then what the fuck is it for?”
I lean forward and rest my hand on his arm. As much as I hate to waste money like that, I know that this is his way of bringing some control to a situation that is going to end up being mostly out of our control. He’d wanted me to have a C-section for the same reason, but I refused. If I can try to bring our daughter into the world in the way that nature intended, I will.
The drive to the hospital is a little tenser than I would have liked but that’s Ryan. His worry is palpable and it’s all I can do to keep him in touch with me and the baby. He softens when Abbey kicks him a little, and even more when I kiss him a little.
His hands seem to tremble more now. I wonder how much stress is going to exacerbate his symptoms. If it does, I’m going to make sure that I keep our lives as relaxed as possible for as long as I can.
It takes eighteen hours for our daughter to make her way into the world. For all that time, Ryan is by my side. He’s my rock through one of the most difficult experiences, but as Abbey is born all the pain seems to disappear.
Her first cry is so loud that the hospital staff all laugh. Her face is red and angry. Fists balled and legs flailing as they lift her from between my legs and take her to be checked. It’s only when she’s dressed and wrapped up that she seems to calm. This time it’s my hands that are trembling. In fact, my whole body shakes so much so that I don’t feel able to hold her. “You take her, Daddy,” I tell him. He doesn’t look sure. For such a confident man, these human moments of emotion seem to make him weak. In his arms Abbey looks tiny. She stares up at him as he whispers soft words of love and I know this child is going to hold his heart in her hands. He moves closer so that I can touch her soft hair but I’m still trembling too much. Ryan takes my shaking hand and presses it to his lips. “Thank you,” he whispers. “Thank you.”
Tears roll down my cheeks. This man. He doesn’t even know what he’s done for me. My broken heart is healed, my hope is restored and my future no longer hangs like a black void in front of me.
Over the months we have been together we have faced the loss of our lives before and welcomed the possibilities of our future. We’ve faced the difficult truth that Ryan is sick. We’ve become parents.
That night, in the Kitty Cat Club, the stars aligned to bring us together.
And a year later, they bring us together again, this time for life.
We say our vows with sand between our toes and the ocean lapping at our ankles, and when it is done I dance with the fading sun on my skin, reaching to the hidden stars with my veil floating out behind me and the man who had come to watch me dance, holding our daughter by my side.
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