Hannah
As soon as he walks in the door I can feel his eyes on me. The skin on the back of my neck prickles, like it’s capable of detecting his presence. It’s not a nice feeling. When I turn, he’s standing by the wall. Gray suit again. Eyes fixed and cold.
Empty.
I can’t seem to look away from him. Fear claws at me, closing my throat and turning my knees to jelly. Anthropologists talk about our base level fight or flight instincts, but that isn’t what I’m feeling. I’m rooted to the spot, heart pounding.
Neither of us moves. It’s like the world is moving at one speed, passing like colored blurs all around me, but we are fixed in time.
My hands start to tremble; the pad and pen I’m holding slip from my grasp, but I don’t reach to pick them up.
Then he turns.
It’s not what I’m expecting. There is a door behind him that I always thought was locked. If it is, he obviously has a key. Why would he have a key? I assumed he was Jack’s buddy. That they knew each other as friends. Not that he was a part of the business.
I feel like I’m going to throw up. All my thoughts of approaching Jack and trying to keep the peace so I can keep my job fly out of the window. I reach out and grip onto the high table beside me and take deep breaths to try and calm my racing heart.
What should I do now? I can’t just keep on working my shift and serving customers, knowing he’s upstairs, or worse, downstairs. I have to do something.
I look across to where Big D is sitting. The last words I said to him were so cutting. I know he was only trying to be protective, and I was rude and hurtful. I rejected his kindness and concern, feeling ashamed that he’d discovered one of my secrets. What is it about human nature, that we sometimes push away the things that we need and crave the most?
More than anything I just want to be safe. I want to feel cared for. I want to know that someone has my back. But to give in to all of that means sharing everything, and no man in his right mind would want a girl like me. Too many skeletons in my closet. Too many burdens for a college guy like Dominic to take on.
I wish so hard I was someone else. That Big D and I were sitting in a diner somewhere, sharing a milkshake and talking about stupid things like TV shows and what assignments we have to hand in. That the only care I had was if I was going to make the grade. I wish I only had Big D’s challenges. I would swap with him in a heartbeat.
I will him to turn, to see me and to realize that I’m scared and floundering and that I need him, but he doesn’t. Instead, I feel a tap on my shoulder and almost jump out of my skin.
“Jack wants to see you, upstairs, now,” one of the new security guys tells me. Oh god. I don’t want to go up there by myself, but it doesn’t seem like I have a choice. I hurry over to Kaleb to tell him where I’m going. His expression is grave and he tells me to come back to him as soon as I’m done.
I hurry through to the staff area and up the back stairs, with the same trepidation as the last time I made the journey. I have no idea what I’m going to face. Jack’s office is further down the corridor than the room I needed to find last time. I walk quickly, scanning the doors for a sign that I’m going into the right office. His name is on the last door and I knock, feeling sick, my heart pounding so hard I can feel it in my temples.
“Come in,” he calls from behind the door.
I turn the cold silver handle, opening the door slowly as I scan the bit of the office that is visible. It’s nothing like I expected it to be. White walls, black and white posters of Jazz musicians and two white leather chairs facing Jack’s large glass desk. It’s stark and modern, totally unlike Jack. To my relief, he’s the only one in the room.
“Star, come in and take a seat.”
I shuffle forward, closing the door behind me, and take a seat on the edge of one of the bucket seats. It’s freezing cold on the back of my bare thighs and I feel terribly exposed in this formal setting, wearing so little.
“Thanks for coming up here,” he says. There is nothing in his tone or expression to indicate he’s angry or annoyed at me, so I relax a little.
“That’s okay. Is everything alright?”
“Well.” He pauses, rubbing his large reddened nose, as though he’s searching for the right words. “I have another proposition for you.”
I fold my arms across my chest, feeling like I need to hold myself together, to stay calm and not say anything that’s going to make this worse. To be honest, I don’t know what to say. If I ask what the proposition is, it will seem as though I would consider it, which I won’t. If I say I’m not interested without hearing Jack out, he’ll be annoyed like last time. I want to tell him about the car and the notes and how scared I am, but this certainly doesn’t seem like the right time.
When I don’t say anything he leans back in his chair, regarding me closely.
“You don’t want to hear what I have to say.”
“It’s not that, it’s just…”
“It’ll be worth $5,000 in your pocket. Are you really going to turn down that kind of money?”
I swallow and it sounds like a cartoon gulp. $5,000! For what? I shudder at the thought of what I would have to do for that kind of money.
“It’s a lot of money, Star,” he says. “And I know what you’re probably thinking. What am I going to have to do to earn that sort of money?”
I nod, feeling like I might throw up at any second.
“It’s not what you think,” he says, smiling. “He’s not expecting to touch you. It’ll be like last time. He wants to watch you again.” I shake my head. Even though it’s more than double what he paid last time, I don’t think I can do it again. “This time, he wants you to do something else.” Jack reaches down to the floor next to his chair and picks up a gift bag.
“Everything is in here. Take it and go to the room. You can look at what’s inside. If you think you want to go ahead, stay in the room. Everything will work like last time. Watch for the light. When you’re done, you can leave the room and collect your money.”
I shake my head as he passes me the bag. “I can’t,” I say. “I’m scared.”
Jack frowns, stands and walks towards the door. He obviously doesn’t want to hear anything more from me. Message delivered. Conversation over. So much for telling him what’s been going on. I take the bag, feeling as though I have no choice. As I’m passing Jack, I stop. “Is he a dangerous man?” I ask, staring straight ahead. He takes a deep breath. “Not dangerous,” he says slowly. “But powerful. You’ll please him if you decide to go ahead.”
I walk down the corridor, hearing Jack’s door close behind me. The bag feels heavy, the contents covered by white tissue paper. I don’t want to look inside, but I have to. It’s like Pandora’s box. I know that opening it will only unleash something unpleasant, but I need to know what’s inside, to truly understand what this powerful man is about.
I arrive outside the room, open the around and find it the same. The light is off, so I assume the room next door is empty. I don’t know for certain. I perch on the edge of the bed with the bag on my lap and slowly ease the tissue paper up.
On top is a tissue paper parcel which I unwrap to find a white lace bra and panties set, with pink ribbon detail. It’s sweet and innocent in a way. Like a first bra set for a high-schooler. It looks like my size.
I rest the paper and lingerie on the bed and dig down to the box at the bottom. Inside, there is a vibrator. It’s big. So big that I wince. At the bottom of the bag, there's another note.
EVERYONE WITH A BRIGHT FUTURE HAS A DARK PAST.
What the fuck? I feel like a puppet being dragged around by the strings. Who is this man, with his empty eyes and stalker tendencies and riddle-like notes? A man with a key to a door that I’ve never seen opened, who hugs Jack like he’s a brother, who has $7,000 to throw away on watching me pleasure myself. It’s seriously weird and warped.
Five thousand dollars to wear pretty panties and…I look at the vibrator again. It’s tan-flesh-colored with realistic veins and shape. It’s the kind of size that I expect Big D to be. That’s daunting enough, but at least a real cock is somewhat yielding and warm. This is cold and hard. It looks like a baton. It’s a tool to violate rather than please.
Is that what he wants? To give me a dark past before I head on into my bright future. Does he think he’s funding me to a better life and getting his kicks in the process? Or, does he know about my past and the secrets I need to keep hidden? If he has access to my tax information from the club payroll, then he’ll know my social security number. He could run searches and find out where I’m from. He could find my mom and Jenny.
I can’t give him a reason to dig around. I have to keep them safe and away from the things I'm doing to put my mistakes right.
I look to the light that I fear will come on before I know what to do. My mind is screaming with the pressure of deciding what to do next and why. I need that justification. This is about more than the money now. The first time was a straight financial transaction. I didn’t like it, but I was prepared to do it. Now this is totally different. The increase in money isn’t even a consideration for me. Five thousand dollars would alleviate so many of my financial worries, but that pales into insignificance when I think about my safety and the safety of those I love.
I cannot risk putting myself or my family in more danger.
That’s how I decide.
I’ll step into the darkness if it has a chance of appeasing this empty-eyed and deviant-souled man. Five thousand dollars is enough that if I have to call the police on his ass and I lose this job, I won’t care as much. It seems like the only way to play this part of his game.
I’ll concede defeat this time.
But if he fucks with me after this, I’m going to come out fighting.
I know I won’t have much time, so I go to the corner of the room that is next to the mirror. The only place he wouldn’t see me if he came in while I was changing. I take off my uniform and slip on the lingerie he’s provided for me. At any other time, I’d be admiring the quality and fit of the garments, but as much as they’re probably the most expensive and luxurious things I have ever worn, I have never felt cheaper.
I put the bag and wrapping on the floor next to the bed, my hands shaking and damp with sweat. I feel like I can’t breathe enough air into my lungs to keep my body functioning correctly. Everything inside me feels as though it’s moving faster; heart pounding, brain whirring. Pure panic.
I crawl onto the bed with the vibrator clutched in my hand and turn so I’m lying in the middle of the bed, my head on the pillows. It feels like a weapon in my hands. A weapon I am going to turn on myself.
I breathe deeply, staring up at the patterns on the ceiling; abstract shape formed of cracks and stains. I try to think of things that will calm me down. My latest assignment that I’ve almost completed and Jenny’s sunshine drawing. It feels wrong to think about her now, but I can’t help it. Everything I do, I do for her; because of the guilt I feel, and the responsibility.
I wipe the sweat from my palms on the comforter, the cheap synthetic lace scratching at my palm. The beat of the music from the bar downstairs is just audible above the white noise of the air-conditioning.
Big D is down there. He’s sipping a soda and watching my colleagues take their clothes off. Maybe he’s shaking his head at the fact that he’s seen me working here. I hold an image of him in my mind to blank out thoughts of what I’m going to have to do. It’s an older image, from one of the first games I watched him play. He’d stolen the victory from the other team in the final play, and he hadn’t run around, showing off afterward. His teammates had congratulated him and he’d taken off his helmet and smiled. He was happy, but I also caught him looking to the sky like he was saying thanks to someone for his success. With his eyes closed and his face tilted into the sunlight, he looked like a warrior of old. A Viking or Roman general, paying tribute to the gods for their victory.
It’s that image that is in my mind when the light flickers and illuminates.
Gray Suit is there.
Behind the glass.
Watching.
Rejoicing in his victory and my submission.
Is that enough to turn him on, or does he need to watch it all to get his kicks?
I want to scream at him that what he’s doing is sick. That he's an abusive pervert who is fucking up my life. Who knows how many other girls he’s done this to? Maybe his past is littered with girls like me who are too trapped to say no. He picked me out of so many girls in this club. What did he see in me that made me his choice?
With hands that are trembling, I pick up the vibrator and open my legs. I keep my eyes shut as I press the switch. It comes to life, shaking more violently than I was expecting. I’ve never used one so I’m not sure how it will feel. In my dark world, I shut out all thoughts of the man behind the screen, doing what I did before and focusing on Dominic. This time, I have real memories to call on. I try to remember the feeling of his cock against my clit and how I stroked my pussy up and down the length of it, rolling my hips. I run the vibrator over my clit in the same way, using the edge. The sensation is strange but immediately arousing. I know I need to get wet before trying to push the huge thing inside myself, but it’s hard to stay in the moment, knowing he’s watching.
Judging.
Thinking he owns me.
That he’s broken me.
Fuck.
I imagine Dominic’s mouth on my nipple; hot, wet, sucking and nibbling. The vibrations are almost too much for my body. My clit feels so sensitive as it swells, unable to resist the assault and the fantasy I’m spinning in my mind. I almost can’t keep it in place because the pleasure is so close to pain, but if I remove it, there is only one place that Gray Suit is expecting it to go.
I spread my legs a little more, and lower the vibrator, pushing its flared head against my opening. It feels massive, even through my panties. I adjust my legs wider, and pull the damp fabric aside, letting the cool plastic of the fake cock touch my hot, swollen skin. I wait for it to warm on my body, needing it to feel more like something living and real in order to stay in the fantasy. When I push I think of Big D above me, resting on his forearms, his face a mask of concentration, cock wielded in his hand like a club. I imagine the way it feels for him to press inside me, mimicking my thoughts with the vibrator. It takes a few pushes to get just the head inside me and my cheeks feel hot as I consider what it must look like to watch.
Does Gray Suit have his cock in his hand right now? Or is he saving it for later?
Inside, the vibrations feel duller but still arousing as the plastic cock presses in further and rests against my g spot. I thrust it a few times, as though it’s really fucking me and the pressure feels good. Better than I ever thought it would.
I feel hot; sweat gathers on my upper lip and under my arms as I keep moving it, working it in deeper until I feel like there is nowhere more it can go. With each thrust I feel my orgasm building, coming closer and closer until I’m almost there. I know when I’m done when I finally come, that he’ll leave and this will be over. I try to remember how Big D tasted when he kissed me; like warm sun and autumn. I pretend that he slides his tongue into my mouth, tasting me deeply, then sipping on my lips as he rolls his hips.
It’s been so long since I last had sex that I’ve almost forgotten what it really feels like to be that close to someone. To feel the way their muscles shift under their skin, the jerk of their cock when they come. The smell of them intensifying as they work hard to give me pleasure. I miss the feeling of weight on top of me. That sensation of being enveloped in strong arms and pressed down by a masculine body. I miss the sounds; panting, moaning, the slap of skin on skin. Most of all I miss feeling desired and loved.
It’s with the image of Big D, gripping my hair and sliding inside me, that I finally come. It’s an orgasm that tears through me quickly and just keeps on going, driven by the rumble of vibrations inside me. It feels strange that the vibrator just keeps on going, even though I’m done. I’m so swollen inside that pulling it from me is harder than I’m expecting.
When it finally slips out, I draw my legs together and roll to my side. I keep my eyes shut as I wait a few minutes, hoping that when I eventually open them that the light will be extinguished.
I think about Jenny’s warm hands and her pretty smile. I think about my mom’s apple pie and the Sweetpeas that she grows each year in tubs. I think about Andie and her rude humor and fierce loyalty. I think about Dominic’s eyes and the way he seemed like he wanted to protect me when we met downstairs. The feel of his hand on my arm. The bubbling frustration I could feel in the air around him. I think about rocking on my porch swing when I was a child, reading whatever book my mom had borrowed from the library. I think about fresh lemonade and my mom’s peanut butter cookies. I think about times when I felt happy and safe because that’s what I need right now.
The memories are so vivid I can almost feel and taste them.
Then the darkness behind my eyelids flickers.
I open one eye a crack and see that the light is off.
The breath I exhale is long and deep.
He left this time. I don’t need to panic. I can get dressed and go downstairs. I can collect my money from Kaleb like last time and go straight home.
Kaleb.
I imagine his confusion when he receives another envelope for me. After all I told him, what the fuck is he going to think? And Dominic. He’s probably been looking for me. If he sees me at the bar, isn’t he going to try and talk to me to find out where I’ve been and what’s happened? He’ll try and make me go home with him, so he can make sure I’m safe.
I slide off the bed and return to my position just next to the mirrored wall. My uniform is there and I exchange the white bra and panties for my own black set. I don’t know what to do with the items Gray Suit purchased for me. I don’t want to leave them here for Jack to find. The bag is resting on the floor beside the bed, so I stuff everything back in there and make my way to the door. I don’t unlock it right away. There's no noise coming from the corridor but I press my ear to the wood anyway, straining to hear if there's anyone waiting out there. It’s still quiet but I’m scared. Who knows if he’ll be waiting outside, ready to try and get up close and personal to the woman he’s been watching so intimately.
In the end, when I don’t hear anything for a few more minutes, I take a deep breath and tell myself that there are cameras everywhere in this place. If anything happened, I’d only be on my own for a minute before a member of security would reach me. I unlock the door and slowly turn the handle. I open it an inch and squint into the corridor, finding it brightly lit and empty. I open the door wider and look both ways, finding that I am alone. With gift bag in hand, I head for the stairs, my shoes clattering loudly with each hurried step that I take.
My heart is pounding so hard that I feel woozy, similar to the way I feel after a couple of cocktails. It’s hard to walk in these stupid shoes, after such an emotionally distressing orgasm and with fear driving me forward.
I head straight to the changing rooms and stick the bag into my locker. I take a deep breath before I open the door to the floor, glancing around quickly to see if I can catch a glimpse of Dominic or any of the other college football players that he’s with. I’m looking for Gray Suit and Jack too. There are so many people that I don’t want to bump into right now. The coast seems clear so I walk as fast as my legs will carry me, straight to the bar.
Kaleb is facing the wall, changing over some of the empty bottles. I call his name and he turns, his face a mixture of relief and anger.
“Star, where the fuck have you been?” he almost shouts.
“I was upstairs talking to Jack.”
“Is that why you have another envelope stuffed with cash waiting for you?” He pulls it out if his waistband and shoves it across the bar so hard I almost don’t catch it before it falls at my feet.
“I didn’t have a choice,” I say. Tears spring to my eyes because I don’t need this now. I need a friend to tell me everything’s going to be okay, not someone who is going to stand in judgment. I know he doesn’t know any details to be able to understand why I did what I did, but that should make him less willing to jump to conclusions, shouldn’t it?
“Fuck,” Kaleb says, slapping his hand on the bar with frustration. “You should have come down here and told me. I would have taken you home. You don’t have to be doing this shit if you don’t want to.”
“It’s not that simple,” I say. I glance over my shoulder to the booths, but I don’t see Dominic. I’m praying that he’s already gone home. “Look, I can’t stay here now. I need to go home.”
“And you want someone to walk you to your car?” He looks at me baffled, and I get it. From where he’s standing it seems as though I’m more concerned for the money than I am for my own safety. How fucked up is that?
“Yeah. Can you call security and see if someone can wait for me outside the changing room?”
“Sure.” He stares at me, and I feel disgusting.
“I’m sorry,” I say, although I don’t know why. Kaleb is a good guy. A friend, I guess, although we’ve never exchanged numbers or talked about our lives outside this place. I don’t owe him anything, but I do care what he thinks, whether that’s right or wrong.
“I’m sorry, too, Star. You need to think beyond the money, okay. You could get yourself hurt, and for what? A few measly dollars.”
I look down at the bar, feeling worthless, even though what he’s saying isn’t correct. All the same feelings that I had four years ago wash over me.
Disappointment.
Embarrassment.
Shame.