Chapter Nine

Mari Belle

 

He left me laying in a bed with his cum dripping out of me. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry. My body ached for more and my mind reeled over giving into him. Everything with Javi seemed to be this twisted mess.

What the hell had we done?

I got so lost in the hurt, I made a mistake. I reached out to the enemy seeking comfort, seeking an escape. I wasn’t strong enough to be stuck in such close quarters with Javier Almanza. When I was broken down and distracted, he was there. It was too convenient.

The problem was I couldn’t clearly define him as my enemy anymore. While sometimes he was still harsh, we had had these moments over the last few weeks where the connection we once shared seemed to be pulling us back together. Like a magnet, I was unable to resist the pull.

I couldn’t hold onto my hatred and anger for him when I knew it was Maricio who put the bullet in my daughter.

Hate and love were both powerful emotions. Both carried a heavy weight. Both were capable of destroying people. Hate and love were strong emotions that only grew the more they were allowed to. Could I freely give into loving Javi again? I knew I could easily hate him for the rest of my days, but by some miracle, could I let myself love him once more? I didn’t feel that I could let it all go. Yet, I thought for the briefest of moments, I may not ever love him the same, but I might be able to care for him. I couldn’t deny the pull. It was the only thing I knew with absolute certainty.

He would forever be my weakness, which was obvious. Was he my flaw or did it come down to the pain of losing my daughter? I tried to tell myself it was the latter and I was using him for a moment of reprieve from the anguish. Deep inside, I knew it was him, but I wasn’t ready to admit anything.

For a moment I had it.

In a lust filled fog, I gave in.

I gave him my body.

I gave him my pain.

Truth be told, I gave Javier Almanza another piece of me.

It was a critical error.

I shouldn’t have done it. I should have resisted. I should have carried my own burdens without him. I never should have opened the door for him to invade my soul again. Because that’s what Javi and I had. A soul seeking connection that was dangerous. We both were the Achilles’ heel for the other. I knew I impacted him as much as he did me.

Again we shared this special time that would forever be something I could never have again.

I got up and moved to the bathroom to take a shower. I had to do something to turn off the tingles I felt radiating through my body from his touch.

He was all over me. There wasn’t a single centimeter of my body untouched by him. Inside my womb it felt like a hot layer coating me as the aftershocks subsided. I needed him washed away.

Even as part of me wished he was still here with me, I knew I needed to get some emotional distance from him. That was the crazy part. There was this piece of me that desired his hold, his comfort. While the logical part of me knew it would never work.

Javier Almanza and I had no future. The past we shared was tainted and cursed. In these fleeting moments, though, I couldn’t help but wish for more.

It was ridiculous that I could be so mixed up with him. How could I want him and hate him in the very same breath? Certainly, I was losing my mind.

I showered and then sat on the bed. An hour or so had passed since Javi and I had sex and I was still a mess in my head.

In the nightstand I had found a thin brown covered journal the day of Yesnia’s mass. I hadn’t touched it but knew it was there. It reminded me of the composition books Javi used to buy me when I was a teen. Luciana had always written her thoughts and feelings in her journal. I remember after she left casually telling Javi that I often wondered what Luciana had shared in her pages. Not long after, the composition books started showing up under my pillow.

I hadn’t expressed myself since her death. Honestly, I hadn’t written to myself since I left with Maricio so many years ago.

Pulling out the notebook and pen, I sat for a moment. Then the feelings flooded me.

 

My dearest Yesnia,

All feels lost without you. It’s only been a few weeks but in my heart it’s been an eternity since I have heard your beautiful voice.

My hija, I don’t know how to do this life without you.

I think of you and all the dreams for the future. I think of how things were supposed to be and not how they ended up.

If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have done so many things differently.

In Heaven, you now know all the truths instead of the many lies Maricio and I told you about our childhood.

If there was some way to go back, I wouldn’t have left with Maricio that day. I would have yelled, screamed, ran. I would have done something to wake Estella.

To see Estella at your Mass. Oh hija, she broke into a million pieces. It was my fault, too. It was on me that she never once held your hand or saw your smile.

I did so much wrong, Yesnia.

All the times I didn’t have patience with you. They play over and over again. I should have taken the moment to step back and remember this would pass all too soon.

If I could go back, I would have held your hand a little tighter, hugged you more often, and told you I loved you one more time. If I could go back, I would have taken more risks.

I should have found a way for you. I should have found a way for us to be free. I never should have gotten comfortable with Maricio. I never should have trusted him.

He was not family.

Your dad, oh Yesnia, I have taken so much from both of you. He would have been so loving, so patient. He would have been so amazing with you. His eyes, they are full of pain now. A pain I know better than anyone because I feel it too.

Are you what connects us now?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know who I am without you. From the moment you began your life inside my womb, I was your mom. My entire identity was wrapped up in you and now you’re gone.

Javi said we’re leaving. He knows where to find Maricio. I hope that we find justice for you soon, hija. It’s all I have left to exist for.

Apologetically yours,

Mom

I sat back on the bed while the ink dried to the paper. My heart hurt. My soul yearned for something I could never have again.

Javier entered the room with a suitcase. I closed the brown notebook and looked up to him.

“Good to see Carla left you the journal.”

I nodded. “Thank you. I didn’t realize I needed an outlet.”

“You used to scribble away on those dollar books before. I thought it would be a way to process things for you.” He moved to me. “I don’t know what comes next.”

“Neither do I,” I responded honestly.

“One day at a time. We leave tonight and make our way to the last update I have on Maricio.”

I nodded as I slid off the bed to stand in front of him.

“I’m no good with you and I’m fucked up without you.” Javi spoke directly to me, his one eye locking to mine.

“If I could go back in time, I would have fought harder against him. I was so young and so lost. He told me you were ordered to marry me, that everything we shared was a set up.”

Javier growled his frustration. “Mari, have I ever been a man to be forced into anything? Yes, I was given a choice. I could be the one to step up and give you my name and my cloak of protection or Paco would. There wasn’t even a second thought because I already knew what I wanted. So, I won’t lie to you and say Miguel Silvia had you on his radar for his cartel long ago, but I also won’t say that I was forced into it. I asked for them to give me time so we could build something real. That’s what I wanted with you.”

“Real?” I said the word out loud like it was something foreign I couldn’t translate.

“Yeah, fuckin’ real. What we had was real, Mari. Don’t you take that away, not only for us, but for our daughter.”

I paused thinking it over.

“I fuckin’ loved you, Mari. You’re the only woman I ever gave myself to. Yeah, you turned your back on that on the word of your brother. I’m workin’ on comin’ to terms with that. If I never cared, I promise you,” he stopped speaking and really looked deeply at me. “I promise you that you’d be dead. Anyone who crosses me, I end. If I never loved you, Mari, you’d have been dead before Maricio ever put the bullet in our daughter.”

I gasped at his honest admission.

“I’m a lot of things. And ruthless is one of them. If you weren’t the only woman who has ever captured my attention, not just my cock, then I wouldn’t hesitate to end you. So know going in, I plan to end your brother. I will not pause. I will not reconsider. There is no negotiation. Maricio goes down. You’re either in or you’re out.”

I swallowed down the lump building in my throat. “You loved me?”

“With everything I had I fuckin’ loved you.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered the words trying to absorb the weight of his intense emotions.

“The past is done. We can’t reverse the clock. Some people would walk away from bad shit and say they were a better man from it. I’m not. I’m not a better man in losing you or our daughter getting shot because of me. I’m a fuckin’ monster to let my world touch either of you. I can’t change it, but I can find retribution for you and for me.”

The fierce way he declared everything took some getting used to. Javi was the man in charge now. He didn’t go with the flow;, he set the pattern to which everyone else followed.

“I never knew what to think,” I told him as my mind fought to sort out everything. So much time had passed, so much hurt had been shared between us.

“While Paco was a snake, I do hope he gave you and Yesnia some happiness.”

I raised my eyebrow at him. “Paco? Maricio introduced him as Yesnia’s grandfather when she started to ask questions, but truly he was not involved.”

“You and Paco weren’t a thing? You know he loved you. You didn’t fuck him?”

“No!” I almost jumped out of my skin at the thought. “He tried and I rejected him. I couldn’t trust him.”

Javi laughed. “Well, the information I got was at least incorrect.”

Things between us got quiet and the air intensified between us.

“Javi, there’s been no one for me, but you.”

The words left my lips before his consumed mine in a kiss of passion, fight, and maybe even love.