Chapter One

Javier

 

Regret had a taste more bitter than the nastiest of foods anyone could imagine. I had many. The lingering guilt ate at me from the inside out.

Not fighting harder for Mari was toward the top of my list of where my regrets landed.

Allowing my mind to doubt her, to doubt myself, and allowing so much time to pass between us, well, it was a poor decision I would never move past.

However, I also had the sour taste of betrayal lingering inside my mouth threatening to explode as my world crashed around me.

Everyone I trusted fucked me over, except my mother and my sister. Maricio was family. Mari was my love. They turned their backs on me, on the family we were supposed to be.

I had a daughter that Mari kept from me. Regardless of Maricio taking her against her will, she stayed when in time surely an escape had presented itself. She didn’t try hard enough. She didn’t hold onto faith in me, or belief in our love. She should have fought. She had contact with Paco. She could have used him to reach out to me. While I knew nothing of her, she knew I was alive. That alone should have given her hope and a reason to reach out. If not for herself, for me, or for our love, she should have done it for our daughter.

I would have been there. I would have given them both my entire world.

If I would have known about Yesnia, none of this would have happened. None of us would be facing this loss. We would still have an opportunity, a chance at being a real family together.

Now, there was no time left, no hope left.

There was nothing left. I felt it all falling apart as I witnessed the horror of my daughter taking a bullet in front of my face. The anguish inside me was too much. Right there in my driveway, I was dying inside. I was crumbling in front of the world and I didn’t give a shit. I had a daughter. Before I could even get to know her, she was taken from me. Why was life so cruel?

“No!” I screamed as Yesnia fell to the concrete in front of me. Blood pooled around her.

I watched her struggle to breathe. The rattling noise coming from her would forever replay in my head. Every breath she took was harder than the last. The tears fell from my face and I didn’t care. I held my daughter close as her blood saturated my pants. Everything ceased to exist.

Yesnia’s eyes locked with mine. Her pain was evident. She was a perfect blend of Mari Belle and me. She was absolutely beautiful. In her eyes was an innocence I once loved in her mother’s eyes. In her stare was a pure acceptance I once craved from her mother’s eyes. In her beautiful brown eyes I found my past crashing into my present in an explosion that would shake the Earth’s core. My heart ached to ease her hurt. She was dying, gasping for air. The gurgled noises coming from her chest with every breath were constant stabs to my insides. My mind raced. And my very soul broke.

I wanted to watch Maricio die. Painfully. I wanted to take the breath from his lungs like he had from my daughter. I wanted to yell, scream, break something. I couldn’t. I was helpless. The only thing I could do was hold her to me.

“Yesnia, hija, stay with me,” I begged her. “We just found each other. I’ll give you my world, hija, just don’t let go. You must live, you must breathe.”

My heart knew her. Our souls were connected. She had to feel me. I had to hold onto that. I was losing the battle inside me. The rage was winning, but I had to hold on right now. For Yesnia, I had to hold on. I couldn’t lose my shit in this moment.

“Please,” I begged her on whispered words.

Behind me I heard Mari Belle wailing and tires squealing as Maricio pulled away. Aurelio rushed to me.

“Jefe, let me take her,” he offered.

I glared at him. Take her? How could I let anyone take her when I just found her? Dying or not, I couldn’t bring myself to let go. I shook my head frantically as the pain inside my soul was too deep for words. She was a piece of me I didn’t know was there, but still she was. I looked to Aurelio. His eyes were full of fear. He was never afraid.

Ever.

He knew what I was struggling to accept. He saw it, he felt it. We all did. I just needed to let go. Except, I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own.

“Jefe, let me get her help.” He knelt down in front of us. “Please, jefe. Javi, let me do this for you.” Aurelio watched me break. He felt my pain as his own. He knew what I needed, but wasn’t strong enough to do.

I couldn’t let her go. This couldn’t be the end when this was just the beginning. Pulling her close to me, I held her as the wetness from my tears fell down my face. My body shook as the helplessness washed over me. In the blink of an eye, everything was gone.

Over.

Done.

Finished.

Nothing was more final than death. And I was watching her die. I was holding her back from any chance at living by sitting here doing nothing. I couldn’t remain idle in a time like this. I had been in a standstill for her entire life. Too much time had been lost and I couldn’t risk another second. Yet, I couldn’t push her away. Everything inside me screamed to hold her close to me and never let her leave. But she needed help. She needed medical attention I couldn’t give her.

“Jefe,” Aurelio called to me as he extended his arms to take Yesnia. “Let me take her.”

His tone was firm, strong. I was weak. He knew I couldn’t do this. In all the years I spent deep in this underworld, I had never been this rattled. Never had I given my people a reason to step in and read me until now.

Never had I been weak before.

I wouldn’t be again. The hopelessness set in. I lost control. I lost it all.

I glared over my shoulder at Mari.

The hatred grew like a weed drenched in fertilizer, growing more out of control with every ounce of my daughter’s blood that spilled. I always knew hate was one of those passion fueled emotions. The more you felt it, the more it continued to spiral out of control. I let the hatred build. I allowed it to take root in me. Ounce by ounce it grew inside me.

Mari kept her from me.

I didn’t care that Maricio took her against her will. She had opportunities to find freedom. She was as guilty as Maricio for the bloodshed in my driveway today. If our daughter mattered, she never would have raised her under his roof, under his rules. She allowed our daughter to trust Maricio. She put our daughter in the hands of the devil himself. This was on Mari as much as it was Maricio.

The disdain was a bitter taste in my mouth.

She had years with my daughter. Years that were stolen from me. She took that. She was like a thief in the night that took my love, my life, and threw it all back in my face. Fuck her. Fuck them both. Fuck the life she lived with my daughter. Fuck it all.

Mari seemed to realize Yesnia was unconscious as she fell to her knees beside us.

“Call someone, do something!” She yelled at both Aurelio and me. Mari was drowning in despair. Something had to give.

I gave the nod to Aurelio to take her. I couldn’t bring myself to push her body from my own as much as I knew I needed to do it. So he had to yank her away. He was taking my heart in his hands and I wasn’t sure I would ever get it back. The moment he took her body from me, I was empty, not just my arms, but in my heart and soul. It was the trifecta of pain. She was leaving me before I had the chance to actually have her.

What did she want to do with her life? What did she know of her roots? Had she felt love? Had she known heartbreak? What was her favorite color? Her favorite music? Did she like cars or animals? What was her favorite food?

I wanted to know it all. I wanted to know my daughter, my flesh, my blood.

It was a blur as a car pulled up and Aurelio put Yesnia in the back.

He would take care of her. I trusted Aurelio to handle things discretely. As he carried her body away, Mari stood and tried to chase after them. To which, I stood and held her back. She didn’t get to hold her again. She got the firsts and I got the last. That’s the way it would be.

Her hands beat on my chest as we both watched helplessly as our daughter was carried away.

The fury in her eyes met my own as she screamed at me. “Let me go with her! I need to be with her.”

I wanted to cuss her out. I wanted to lose my shit. I wanted to tell her what my daughter needed was a life with her father.

I didn’t.

I wanted her to feel the depth of my pain.

Instead, I told her like it was. “It is done, Mari,” I stated firmly and my heart felt like it would jump out of my chest.

“It is not done! Javi, don’t you dare tell me it is done!” She continued to rant and beat on me.

Her pain was my pain and mine was hers. Even after all this time, we were still undeniably connected.

She was just as beautiful today as she had been twenty years ago. Her spirit was strong even as she stood in my arms with both of us broken. She pounded on my chest. I allowed it. I relished the physical pain. I wanted more. I wanted it to match the emotional agony I was going through.

Blow after blow, I took them all until finally she exhausted herself and crumpled into my arms.

After all this time, holding Mari didn’t feel at all like I had thought it would. Any thoughts of young love and those early touches were gone. In their place was hatred. Venom took up residence in my veins.

Maricio took my daughter from me.

He would pay. Oh, he would most definitely pay with his fucking life.

Mari kept my daughter from me.

She would pay. She would pay with her time. She owed me time. A fuck lot of it.

“Your brother shot our daughter in the back like a coward. The pussy-assed motherfucker shot our daughter in the fuckin’ back. He should have shot me, Mari. Because mark my words, he will die. Your precious brother will be no more, Mari.” The laugh that erupted from my belly was pure evil.

She pulled away from me. Her eyes locked onto mine. The hatred burned deep between us.

“Don’t you protect him now, Mari. Don’t you dare expect me to stand down. Because I won’t. Not for you, not for my mother, and not even for our daughter. Maricio bought himself a death sentence today and I’m the fucking judge, jury, and executioner.”

Her hand flew up and struck my cheek. The sting was something I relished because I felt something more than the agony of life lost as I knew Yesnia was gone. I was drowning in pain and wanted more.

“Stand down? You expect me to protect him? He just took everything from me. He took my entire world and let her fall to the concrete in a pool of her own blood. He left me with you. I don’t expect you to stand down, Javier Almanza. I expect you to find him, make him pay, and if Mother Mary would answer my prayer then by my hand my brother will die, not yours. So no, Javi, I don’t ask that you protect him. I just ask that I get to end him.”

“Well, he will die,” I told her as my mind circled with too many thoughts and emotions. I looked at my hands. They were covered in Yesnia’s blood.

Mari reached out, taking my hands in hers before resting her face in my palms. “Blood of my blood,” she whispered. “He shed blood of my blood.”

The words resonated deeply inside me. Her pain was my pain just as mine was hers. This was what we had become. We were in this cyclone of hatred. Both of us broken, both of us beaten, and both of us defeated.