With Matt’s muscular arm around my shoulders, his big hand around mine, I feel stronger. The fact he drove right over with the kids the moment I called him? Priceless.

Makes me feel precious. Wanted. Cherished.

And I don’t know if I should trust this feeling, this moment with him by my side, but I can’t help but bask in it. Soak in the warmth and power of his presence, the feel of his strong thigh pressed to mine, his scent filling my senses.

Makes me feel I can take on the world.

Or at least confront my mom about what Ross said. I can’t ignore it, can’t rest until I know the truth. Gigi and Merc deserve to know.

I deserve to know, and whatever her reasons for keeping the knowledge of who our father is a secret, it’s time she talked. I’m a big girl now, and Gigi and Merc are barely shy of adulthood.

It’s time.

But not while Matt is here. Don’t want to do this in front of him and his kids. Not just because this is my life, but mainly because I don’t want to see the look on his face when he finds out. I mean, it’s not only that Jasper is my dad and Ross my half-brother, but the fact I hadn’t known. Hadn’t realized that we really are the little filthy bastards everyone teased and bullied us about.

We’ve been living all our lives in the same town as our dad who never wanted us. Who was already married with a kid of his own, and never even bothered to acknowledge us, or even be nice to us. All those times he cursed my name when I walked past his garage, when he let his son call me names, when he called my mom a slut.

My blood is running hot and cold in turns. I’m not even sure who I’m angrier with, and which of all those things makes me more miserable.

When Matt says he has to go, put the kids to bed as it’s way past their time, I’m both terrified and relieved.

I don’t want him to go. And God, I’d love to be there when he sits on their beds and covers them up, kisses their foreheads and tells them to have sweet dreams. Does he read stories to them? Has he found his way to their heart—like he did to mine?

He tells me we should take a raincheck on the picnic we talked about. Tells me to rest and let him know if I feel up to working on Monday.

And although he’s worried about me, and it warms me all the way to my bones, I’m sad. I wanted that picnic so much. I still do. I don’t see how it will help not being with him tomorrow, but by then he’s out the door, and I’m finally alone with Mom, Gigi and Merc.

It’s all too much. My face too hot, and my eyes burning. “Mom… when were you going to tell us that Jasper is our dad?”

The shocked silence that follows my words barely registers over the boom of my heartbeat in my ears. All I can see is three white faces, three pairs of wide eyes staring back at me.

Then Gigi laughs, a high, nervous sound. “What is this, a prank? Did your boss put you up to it, now that you sleep with him?”

“Gigi!” Mom snaps, and Gigi flinches.

“You trust what Ross tells you,” Mom mutters, her face pale, her eyes glittering, “and come here accusing me of things—”

“Mom.” In her eyes, the brief moment she lifts them to mine, there is no shock, no surprise. Only fear and sadness. “Just tell me the truth. Please?”

She swallows hard. “I didn’t… plan it this way, Tati. You have to believe me. I always thought, they’re still too young, I’ll tell them next year. And then the year after.”

“It’s true?” Merc whispers. “This is true?”

“Mom. Why?” Gigi’s face is red, her lips trembling. “Jasper Jones, that worthless piece of shit?”

“Gigi—”

“And Ross… is my half-brother?” Merc goes on, as if in a trance. “That asshole?”

“Merc,” Mom snaps, her hands twisting in her lap, her lips white. “Language.”

“Fuck language. Fuck Ross.” Merc shoots to his feet, his face stony. “You should have told us, Mom. You should have fucking told us, and we should have left this fucking town ages ago.”

We all watch open-mouthed as Merc, sweet Merc, storms out of the living room.

Then Mom starts to cry. I’ve never seen or heard mom cry before, and it’s a knife to my gut. Gigi shoots me a glance that’s a mixture between this-is-all-your-fault and do-something!

“Mom…” I start but don’t know what to say. I get up and go to sit beside her on the loveseat, take her hands in mine. “Mom. Listen…”

Gigi sits on Mom’s other side, leans her head on Mom’s shoulder. “It’s all true, then?”

Mom nods, sniffles. “I was in love. I thought he was, too. With me.”

“He was married,” I say softly. “He was having an affair with you.”

“He said he was leaving his wife. How was I to know it wouldn’t happen? Every time I got pregnant he said he’d sent the papers to his lawyer, and then… nothing. After that, I thought it was better not to have him involved in our lives at all.”

Oh Mom… I put my arms around her, like I’d done with Matt earlier. She loved Jasper. Maybe still does. And although Jasper is an asshole, who knows how he was with her? Who knows how love works?

Didn’t I fall in love with Matt while he acted like a douchebag, hurting my feelings, shutting me out? I thought I caught a glimpse of the man he is underneath it all, and I was hooked.

Was I right? Am I seeing him clearly?

He hasn’t asked me out. Hasn’t told me he cares about me. I mean, we barely know each other. Not his fault I’ve fallen like this for him. He’s the first guy I’ve slept with, the first guy I’ve had feelings for, and they’re so deep I’m not sure I can let in another.

Does he feel it, too, or will he dump me at the first chance he gets just like Jasper did with my mom?

* * *

Mom doesn’t ask me anything about Matt, about how I hugged him and how we held hands as I recounted the story of the attack.

She probably feels so out of sorts with the revelations about Jasper Jones that she couldn’t muster up the energy to demand full disclosure, or to tell me I should stop seeing him immediately.

Not that mom is like that normally. She’s pretty quiet and easygoing.

Still, keeping in mind that this is my boss, and older than me, with kids of his own, I’d expected to be told in no uncertain terms that I should quit and keep away from him.

I wonder if she could tell that we slept together. She’s one of those moms who can smell such things in the air, without needing their kids to fess up.

Anyway, Mom hasn’t breathed a word about it, instead going up to her room, and I’m left with Gigi, who has no compunction whatsoever to interrogate me.

“So when were you going to tell us you’re dating that man?” She rolls on top of her bed, dragging on her pink PJs.

“Matt? I thought you knew.” I’m playing it cool, and truth is, I’d been hoping to avoid the questions until tomorrow. I’m beat.

“I kinda guessed.” She scrunches up her nose. “It’s the way you kept talking about him, and his kids. Like, Matt… oh God, Matt…” She sighs and moans, and I laugh, then throw a pillow at her.

“Shut up. I don’t do that.”

“No?” She uses the pillow I threw at her to snuggle, wiggling her bare toes. Her nails are painted a hot red. “Hm. What happened to the cute neighbor, Adam?”

“Nothing. I don’t really like him. Told you.”

“Why not?”

I shrug.

“He’s really cute, in that I-am-totally-handsome-and-innocent-but also-banging-every-girl-in-the-vicinity kind of way.”

I shudder. “Ugh. How awesome.”

“Hey, don’t knock the look. Or is it because he’s so different from Matt Hansen The Beast?”

“He’s not like that.” I once thought he was, too. Not so long ago, in fact, just a few weeks back, when I first met him. With that dark beard and brows, the messy, too long hair, the intense stare. “He’s not, Gigi. Matt is great.”

“You’re in love,” Gigi sighs.

Yeah, I can’t deny it. Not anymore.

She sits up, brows raised. “Shut up! You really are. Tati, oh my God.”

“What?” I say irritably.

“You’re not even trying to deny it. So… does this means it’s serious? With Matt? Isn’t he, like, too old for you?”

“He’s not even thirty.”

Gigi’s eye bug out. “Jesus, that’s old, girl. I mean…” She shakes her head. “You’ve only just turned eighteen.”

“It’s not much of a difference. When you’re an adult, a few years up or down don’t mean anything.”

“Oh right, you’re an adult now, I forget.” The sisterly ribbing and snark is back, and it’s a relief.

Besides, yeah, I am. I’m a woman now. And not a virgin anymore, either, which makes me smile, even if I’m still smarting over how my first time with Matt ended.

He did apologize. But guess what has been eating me up inside all this time? Yeah. And here I thought I didn’t need to talk about it.

I thought wrong. I mean, I understand why he reacted the way he did. That he was shocked, and not sure he could be with someone yet.

But I can’t ignore the little voice that questions whether he’s ready now.

And that’s exactly what I need to talk to him about. I don’t want to push him. I understand that he’s only just coming to terms with his wife’s passing, that he tried to hide from the pain, tried to let it out with his blood, with his anger.

I just want to know if he will give this, give us, a chance. If we are together, even if he’s unsure. If he’ll take a dive into the unknown with me.

“Still can’t believe you’d pass over Adam,” Gigi is muttering, braiding her hair and grabbing her tattered copy of Anne of Green Gables. She sleeps with that book, seriously. “Did you notice I put a condom in your purse in case he makes a move on you?”

“You serious right now? Where did you get a condom?”

“Bought it in the drugstore, like every normal human being.”

“Gigi, you’re only seventeen. What do you think people will say?”

“Hey, you’re banging your boss, and you’re worried about gossip? Come on.” Ignoring the heat flooding my face, she goes on, “I’m floored at your choice, Sis. Adam is seriously the hottest guy to ever walk the streets of this town.”

“Why, are you after Adam?” I ask, suddenly curious. When she sniffs disdainfully, I can’t explain the relief that fills me at her lack of interest in the guy, since I’m not interested in him myself. “Whatever happened to Quinn?”

“Pfff.” She lies on her stomach under the covers, turning the pages of the book. “Quinn is a whiny little boy who doesn’t know what he wants. Maybe I need a real man like Matt, too.”

She says that deadpan. Didn’t she say mere minutes ago that Matt is way too old for me?

Meanwhile, something is nagging at my memory. What was the other thing Ross said, about Adam having a different name?

Was that for real?

That’s… nonsense. Why am I thinking of this? Ross is an idiot, probably heard one thing and understood quite another.

But there’s something more… something Adam told me that’s flickering in my memory, right out of grasp. Something about his sister.

What? And why is it important?

“Hey, have you ever seen Adam when I’m not around?” I climb into my bed and stretch out, groaning softly as muscles clenched ever since the attack slowly begin to relax. “He told me he lives down the street, but does he?”

And why am I doubting him again? He said he does, didn’t he?

Gigi makes me feel even worse, because she looks up from her book, lifts a brow at me, and says, “Why, just because you’re into older guys now, that means all the young ones are scumbags?”

“No. of course not.” But I’m still chewing on those small things, and a shiver goes through me, a chill that feels familiar somehow.

I pull the covers up to my chin and stare up at the ceiling. God, I wish Matt were here. I’d feel safe in his arms. I wouldn’t worry about him and the kids if I were with him.

I wouldn’t miss him so much.

He only left half an hour ago. Less.

It feels like years.

Why am I so drawn to him? Why do I feel so comfortable with him when I barely know him, why does my heart hurt for him so much? Why does my body go taut and hot whenever he’s near?

Love, Gigi said.

Love is what this is. Love and lust rolled into one, and I have no chance of winning against such an opponent.

So maybe I should stop fighting and just surrender.

Surrendering to Matt would feel so good…