Abraham
I was drunk.
Again.
I knew that I should be out doing something. Hell, it would have been less pathetic if I were out at the bar getting drunk, but I wasn’t. I was sitting on my leather couch in front of the TV, drinking beer like it was water.
My phone started ringing somewhere in between the cushions, but I ignored it. I was too lazy to search for the damn thing. I breathed a sigh of annoyance when it stopped ringing and then started up again. I didn’t look away from the TV or set my beer down as I pushed my other hand into the cushions, finally dragging the phone out.
“Hello, Alexander,” I answered.
“Why aren’t you answering your phone?” my twin bitched.
“I just did.”
“I’ve been calling you for two days.”
“What’s up?” I grabbed the remote and shut the TV off, leaning my head back on the couch.
“Look, I was giving you time to get your shit together—”
“What shit?” I cut in.
“I know you and Ani broke up. Hard not to notice that shit when I was there—but I thought you’d have fixed it by now.”
“Nothing to fix,” I replied, digging my fingers into my eye sockets. Shit, I was tired.
“She loves you—”
“No she doesn’t. It wasn’t like that.”
“And you love her, you idiot.”
“Nope.”
“Stop being an asshole,” Alex snapped.
“Did you seriously call me to bust my balls? Because I’m in the middle of something.”
“I know you’re sitting on the couch watching reality TV and drinking beer,” Alex said drily, making me sit up and look blearily around the house. How the hell?
“Actually, I’m at the bar,” I argued, sitting up straighter.
“No you’re not,” Alex scoffed.
“What do you need, Alex?” I said, pushing myself to my feet. I needed to get to bed. I was tired as hell. Who knew that avoiding your office manager was so much fucking work?
“You’re being an idiot,” Alex said, sighing. “Why are you so hell-bent on not having kids?”
“Just don’t want them,” I mumbled, trudging up the stairs to my room.
“Really? That’s your answer?”
“That’s all I’ve got.”
“And you’re willing to give up Ani so you don’t have to have any?” he asked gently.
“It’s already done, brother,” I told him, stripping out of my jeans and crawling into bed.
“You’d be a really great dad, Bram. You know that, right?”
“Probably not, but that’s irreverent—irrevelant—irrelevant.”
“Jesus Christ, you’re plastered.”
“Had a few beers,” I slurred, starting to fall asleep.
“She’s not going to wait for you, man. The longer you wait, the less chance you have of getting her back.”
“Don’t want her back.”
“Bullshit,” Alex growled in frustration. “I’m not talking to you like this. Call me when you’re fucking sober.”
“All right, good talk,” I said, tossing the phone on the bed before completely passing out.
* * *
“Good morning, good morning!” Trevor called cheerfully the next day as I was climbing out of my truck. My head was pounding, even after three ibuprofen, so I shut my door carefully, wincing as Trevor slammed his.
“Hey,” I said quietly, scratching at my beard.
“Rough morning?”
“Late night.”
“Oh, yeah? Where’d you go?” Trev asked as he walked beside me to the front door of our office.
“Bar in town.”
“Oh, yeah?” he chuckled, looking at me sideways. He went in the office ahead of me and I cursed under my breath. I didn’t need Trevor putting in his two cents, too. I vaguely remembered the conversation with Alex the night before, and he’d been all up in my business, I didn’t need any more bullshit.
“I was in Portland,” I called as I stepped in behind him. “That’s why you didn’t—”
My words cut off sharply as Trev turned toward me, and I caught sight of Ani.
She looked good. She looked so goddamn beautiful.
Her short hair was pulled back in two tiny pigtails by her neck, and she was wearing a light blue shirt that clung in all the right places.
“Hey, Bram,” she said. “You look like shit.”
“You look gorgeous,” I replied without thought, my mouth snapping shut as soon as the words were out. Fuck.
“She does,” Trev said, smirking. “New haircut?”
“Shut up, Trev,” Ani replied, elbowing him in the gut.
“I’ve got shit to do,” I said, moving around them to get to my office.
“Hey, Bram?” Her voice was tentative, and I hated it. Ani was bitchy. She didn’t take anyone’s shit, and she was never fucking nervous.
“What’s up?” I asked, turning as Trevor passed me, giving me a slap on the shoulder.
“It doesn’t have to be weird,” Ani said, a little of her attitude showing as she put her hands on her hips. “You’re making it weird.”
“I’m making it weird?” Yeah, I was making it weird. I hadn’t had sex in two weeks, and even as she spoke, I was imagining how I’d bend her over the desk and pull her jeans over her ass so I could fuck her from behind. I wasn’t sure how I could ever not be weird around her when I knew I’d never fuck her again no matter how many times I imagined it.
“Yeah. You can talk to me, you know. Say hi, fuck you, where’s my paperwork from the mill, anything.”
“I don’t want kids—” I blurted, making her eyes narrow.
“Are you shitting me right now—”
“But if I did, they’d be with you,” I finished quietly, making her shoulders slump.
“That doesn’t really mean anything,” she snapped. “God, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I just wanted you to know—”
“What, Bram?” she said sharply. “You just wanted me to know that you love me? Is that what this is?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Did I love her? Probably. I’d probably loved her before we’d ever started sleeping together.
“It doesn’t fucking matter,” she hissed, dropping her hands to her sides. “I have a baby waiting to be born. Okay? I’m adopting a baby, and that’s not changing. So I will be a parent. The end.”
“Ani,” I murmured as she reached up to wipe at her face.
“Stop it,” she cried. “Just stop, okay? You made me choose, and I didn’t choose you.”
I rocked back on my heels, feeling like I’d been punched in the chest.
“Can we just be friends?” she said tiredly, shaking her head. “Can we just—I don’t know. I just want to go back to normal.”
“So sniping at each other over dinner and bitching at each other at work?” I asked, my entire body tightening as she wrapped her arms around herself.
“Yeah, Bram.”
“Fine.” I spun and walked toward my office without another word.
What had I expected, that she’d just change her mind because I loved her? I hadn’t even said it, she had.
I’d never thought about loving Ani. It had never been a conscious decision that I’d made. Somehow it had morphed into that though. I’d always cared about her, and it probably would have taken months for me to figure out if we hadn’t stopped seeing each other. But now that I didn’t have her? I knew I loved her.
Shit.
I sat down at my desk and tried to focus on the bids in front of me.
“Hey, Bram?” Ani called softly from the door to my office an hour later.
Her face looked like she’d been crying, and I had to fist my hands on my lap to keep from rounding the desk to get to her.
“Yeah?” I asked, my heart thumping hard in my chest.
“If”—she drew out the word, looking down at her feet before her eyes rose to me again—“if you changed your mind?” She bit the inside of her cheek and I wanted her to stop. Just stop what she was doing.
I didn’t want to see her like that. Begging. I didn’t want her fucking humbling herself in front of me. I broke up with her. If I decided to grovel, that’s what I should do, but it pissed me off that she was acting like every other woman I’d ever known. Making herself weaker for me. No.
“Stop talking,” I ordered, getting to my feet. My anger was irrational and overwhelming.
“If you wanted to change your mind, I’d—”
“Get the fuck out of my office,” I yelled, the words burning my throat.
A sob left her as she startled, and her eyes met mine for just a second before she ran. A few seconds later, I heard the bells ring as she completely left the building.
“You stupid motherfucker,” Trevor hissed as I dropped back down into my chair, staring blankly at the papers on my desk.
“Get out of here, Trev,” I mumbled, reaching up to smooth my beard.
“She just—”
“I mean it, Trev. Get the fuck out of here.”
“You don’t deserve her, you fucking prick,” Trevor snarled, stepping farther into my office. “I get it, man! You don’t want kids. Fucking good for you.”
“I’m not doing this with you,” I warned, pushing to my feet again.
“Ani just came in here, handing you another chance, practically begging—”
“You think I want her begging?” I bellowed, my chest heaving.
“You want her!” Trev yelled back, looking at me like I was an idiot. “What the fuck are you so afraid of?”
“I don’t want kids!”
“Nice excuse, fucker. Now why don’t you cut the bullshit?”
“I’m done,” I said quietly, shaking my head. I reached forward and scooped the paperwork on my desk into a pile, stuffing it back into a file folder.
“Ani’s not like Kate,” Trev said after a moment.
“Obviously.”
“Kate gave Shane a million chances, and thankfully he finally got his shit together.”
“What’s your fucking point?” I snapped, picking up my thermos and wallet from my desk drawer.
“Ani just gave you another chance, man, which surprised the fuck outta me,” Trev huffed and shook his head. “She’s not going to give you another one.”
He turned and walked out of my office without another word.
“Fuck,” I yelled, throwing my thermos so hard against the wall that it put a huge hole in the Sheetrock.
I hated that she’d come in here making my day go to shit and my head throb. I hated that Trevor saw through me. I hated that I couldn’t go home because I had actual work to do.
I hated that I was so fucked up that I’d given her an ultimatum, essentially asking her to give up her happiness for mine, and she was still looking at me like she loved me.
* * *
My phone rang late that night, pulling me from a restless sleep. “Mom, is everything okay?”
“It’s time, Bram,” she sang happily. “Get up. We need to get to Seattle.”
“What?” I sat up in bed, trying to wake myself up. Seattle?
“Ani’s baby is on its way.”
“Oh, uh—”
“Abraham Daniel,” Mom said sharply, making me silently groan. She and Dad had changed my and Alex’s middle names when they adopted us—with our permission—and whenever she used it I knew she meant business. “This is what we do. When someone in this family is having a baby, we go to the hospital.”
“Not sure that’s a good idea, Mom,” I said quietly, even as I climbed out of bed.
“Son,” she sighed, “I don’t know why you’re so adamant about this, but I’ll respect it.”
“Thank you.”
“But if you don’t go meet Ani’s new son or daughter, you’ll never forgive yourself, and neither will she.”
I swallowed hard.
“I’m on my way. Give me fifteen.”
“Good boy.” She hung up, and I tossed my phone on the bed, going to my dresser to grab some clean clothes.
When I got to my Mom and Dad’s, every light in the house was on, and Uncle Mike’s truck was in the driveway.
“Oh, good, you’re here. Let’s go!” my mom called as I opened the front door. I took a step back onto the porch as the entire family came pouring out of the house. Uncle Mike and Aunt Ellie, my dad, Trevor, and Ani, and then my mom, locking the front door behind her.
“I’ll ride with Ani,” Mom announced.
“Me too.” Aunt Ellie gave Uncle Mike a kiss and then headed toward Ani’s SUV.
“Catch you on the flip side,” Ani said to Trevor, her voice shaking.
“You’re going to do great,” he assured her, pulling her into a tight hug.
She passed me on the porch on her way to the car but didn’t look my way once. I almost reached out to stop her, but I met Trev’s eyes and fisted my hands by my sides instead.
“I’m going to take my truck so I can drive back down in the morning,” Trev said.
“I’ll ride with you,” Mike replied, walking away.
“Looks like it’s me and you,” my dad said. “Take my truck?”
I nodded and followed him to his truck, climbing into the passenger seat.
The ride was long as we followed Ani all the way up to Seattle. Dad was quiet as we listened to country music playing from his stereo, and I was really glad for that. I wasn’t sure I could choke out anything resembling actual words. My hands were sweating so badly that I left a damp spot on the thighs of my jeans by the time we arrived at the hospital, and by the time we parked the truck, I was shaking.
“Hey,” my dad called as he opened his door, but I stayed rooted to my seat, not even bothering to take my seat belt off. “You okay?”
“Yep.” I nodded jerkily, staring at the cement wall in front of the truck.
He shut his door again and leaned back on the seat, shooing someone away from his window with a shake of his head.
“You wanna tell me why you’re pretending to be a statue?”
“I’m fine.”
“You know,” he said after a minute, settling more comfortably into his seat, “when Katie was born, I was a mess.”
I didn’t reply.
“I was shaking and sweating like you would not believe. One of the nurses finally had to give me one of those scrubs tops because my T-shirt was soaked all the way through,” he chuckled.
I stayed silent.
“Normal to be nervous.”
Still nothing.
“It’s going to be all right, Abraham,” Dad said gently, making my throat tighten.
“If something happens, it’ll destroy Ani,” I finally choked out, still staring out the windshield.
“Nothing’s going to happen.”
“You don’t know that,” I said so quietly that I wasn’t sure if he heard me.
“Okay, say it does,” he mused, making my head snap toward him. “You wanna be out here when it does, or you wanna be inside with her?”
I fumbled with my seat belt and threw open the door, barely hearing his “That’s what I thought,” before slamming the door behind me.
“Where do I go?” I asked in confusion, looking around the garage.
“Come on, elevators are over here.” I followed him to the elevators and then through the hospital and to another elevator, finally ending up on the maternity floor where everyone was already waiting.
I searched the room for Ani, but she wasn’t there.
“Ani went back to the room to be with her sister,” my mom informed us as she came to give my dad a kiss. “No baby yet.”
I didn’t say a word but moved toward the far wall, dropping into an empty seat and clenching my shaking hands in front of me as I tried to block out the room.
* * *
It was hours before we heard any news. According to my mom, first babies usually took a while.
At some point, another family came into the waiting room and sat down in a little cluster. It looked like it was a mom, a dad, and their teenage son. They didn’t ask the nurse to see anyone, just sat down silently and seemed to be waiting.
Then finally, Ani came walking down the hallway, looking at the floor.
Everyone in our family surged to their feet.
She was almost on top of us when she finally lifted her face, and the expression she was wearing made me want to drop to my knees.
“It’s a girl,” she announced, tears falling down her smiling face. “And she’s beautiful.”
My mom stepped forward and wrapped Ani in a tight hug, whispering something as Ani nodded against her shoulder. Then Mom let go, and the rest of the family swarmed in, hugging and laughing.
Ani glowed.
Finally, when everyone else had gotten their hugs, she turned to me.
“Thanks for coming—”
She didn’t get another word out before I’d pulled her into my arms, lifting her off the floor as she hugged me back.
“Congratulations, Mama,” I choked out, inhaling the scent of her neck.
“Thanks, Abraham,” she replied, running her hand over my hair.
“Everything’s okay?” I still wasn’t letting her go.
“Everything’s perfect.” She continued to run her fingers through my hair, settling me. “You’re shaking.”
“No I’m not,” I lied, setting her back on her feet.
“Can you call Alex? I think Mom’s calling Katie, and Trev texted Hen.”
“Sure,” I said with a completely awkward nod.
She laughed a little as she took a step back and ran her hand over her face before giving me a wide smile. Then she turned away and looked around the waiting room, finally coming to a stop when she found the family that had come in an hour after we had.
“Marcus?” she asked, taking a step forward.
“Yeah,” the kid replied, his eyes wide as he and his parents came to their feet.
“Hey, I’m Bethy’s sister, Anita.”
“O-oh,” he stuttered, standing up straighter.
“Everything went really well,” she told him gently as he fidgeted. “Bethy’s asking for you now.”
The kid swallowed, then looked at his parents. At their nod, he raced away.
“Room 422!” Anita called out as he practically ran down the hallway.
“You’re Anita?” the boy’s mother asked quietly, looking intently at Ani.
I took a step forward, but my mom’s hand on my arm stopped me.
“Hi,” Ani said, lifting her hand to shake the mom’s.
“I’m Sue, and this is my husband Richard,” the woman replied, making no move to take Ani’s hand.
“It’s nice to meet you,” Ani replied, dropping her hand back to her side.
“Thank you so much,” the mom whispered, her eyes welling up with tears. “We just—I’m a professor and Richard own his own IT company. We’re just—we’re too old to take care of another baby.”
The dad wrapped his arm around the mom’s shoulders as she sniffled.
“I understand,” Ani said quietly.
My mom passed me and went to Ani’s side. “Hi, I’m Liz, Ani’s mom.”
“Hello,” Sue said. “But I thought—” Her eyes went to Ani.
“My foster mom,” Ani clarified.
“Oh,” Sue breathed.
“We’re big believers in adoption,” my mom said, her implication clear. “It’s really nice to meet you, Sue.”
Sue watched my mom for a long moment, then looked around the room, her eyes stopping on me and then Trevor. When her eyes went back to my mom and Ani, she gave them a tentative smile. That’s when Richard’s shoulders dropped a fraction, and he reached out his hand. “Nice to meet you, Liz and Anita. I’m Richard.”
A few minutes later, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called my brother as I watched Ani and my mom get to know the baby’s grandparents.
“Hello?” Alex answered gruffly.
“Hey, Ani wanted me to call you—”
“Baby?”
“A girl. Healthy and beautiful,” I answered distractedly as Sue gave Ani a hug.
I pulled the phone away as Alex whooped in my ear.
“Congratulations,” he said happily.
“I’ll tell Ani.”
“Nah, man. That was for you.”
“What?” I asked, irritated that I was talking to him when it looked like Ani was going to head back into her sister’s room.
“I’m telling you congratulations.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Nah, man. A little boy? You might have been able to hold out. But a little girl? You’re toast.”
* * *
“Do you think we’ll get to see the baby soon?” Trevor asked over an hour later as he dropped into the seat next to me.
“Don’t know,” I answered, messing with a loose thread on the inseam of my jeans.
“I need to head out soon.”
I nodded. I wasn’t really up for conversation.
Ani seemed happy. She’d been flitting in and out of her sister’s hospital room, coming out to talk to my mom and aunt Ellie before skipping back in to be with her sister and the baby. I wasn’t sure what was taking so long, why we hadn’t been able to see the baby yet, and the longer it went the more nervous I became.
Trevor elbowed me hard in the side, and my head snapped up to see him nodding toward a woman that was walking down the hallway toward us.
“Holy shit,” I muttered as she came closer. Her hair was long and curled, and she had on a pair of the tightest jeans I’d ever seen, but that wasn’t what made my stomach clench.
She looked just like Ani.
She was doing something on her phone, but when she made it to the waiting room, her head came up, and she glanced around. Her face screwed up like she’d smelled something foul, then moved toward where my mom was still sitting with Sue and Richard.
“I’ll knock the bitch out,” Trev said under his breath, scooting forward in his seat.
My stomach rolled as I realized that she wasn’t just getting to the hospital. She had come from Bethy’s room, which meant Ani had been locked away with the woman for hours.
“Hi, I’m Anita and Bethy’s mom, Carol,” Ani’s mom said cheerfully as she got to Sue. “You must be Marcus’s parents.”
“Hello,” Sue said flatly.
“So I think Marcus wants to stay with Bethy, but you guys can head on home if you want,” Carol said, oblivious to Sue’s pinched mouth. “It’s not like he can get her into any more trouble!” Carol laughed, and I saw my mom put a warning hand on Sue’s forearm.
“I think we’ll stay,” Sue said, making Richard nod. He didn’t say a word, but his nostrils were flared as he looked down his nose at Carol.
“Okay, well, I’m going to head home!” She completely ignored my mom as she spun on her heel.
“Cunt,” I murmured as she walked out the door.
“No way is she that oblivious,” Trevor scoffed.
“She knew exactly who we were.”
“Can you believe how much she looked like Ani? Her dad must have had some weak genes.”
“No shit.” I leaned back in my seat and gave my mom a small smile as she met my eyes across the room.
“Well, at least you know what Ani will look like in twenty years. Not bad.”
“Shut the fuck up.” I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall.
Fifteen minutes later, I was on my feet, my palms once again sweaty as Ani came walking carefully down the corridor, a little wrapped bundle in her arms. If I hadn’t already known that she was a girl, the baby’s gender would have been a complete mystery in the unisex blanket and hat she was wrapped in.
She needed something pink. Pronto.
“This is Arielle Elizabeth Martin,” Ani announced as she reached us.
“Oh,” my mom breathed, “look at her.”
“Seven pounds even and twenty-and-a-half inches long,” Ani said, meeting Sue’s eyes. “Do you want to hold her?”
“Can I?” Sue asked nervously.
Ani nodded, then kissed the top of little Arielle’s head before handing her to her grandmother.
Everyone was staring at the baby as Sue held her, but I watched Ani. Her hands were loose down at her sides, but her fingers fidgeted against her thighs. I moved in beside her and laid my hand gently at the base of her spine, trying to calm her down.
She’d just handed her daughter to a person that could take Arielle away forever, and I knew she must be so scared.
“Arielle?” Sue asked.
“Yeah.” Ani nodded.
“I like it.” Sue leaned down and kissed Arielle’s head, pressing her nose softly against the baby’s skin for a long moment as she sniffled. She looked up at her husband in question, and he shook his head just a little.
I didn’t blame him. The idea of holding the sweet little girl and then giving her away made me nauseous.
“Thank you,” Sue said to Ani, handing Arielle back to her. “Thank you for everything.” Her breath hitched. “We’re going to head home, let your family celebrate.”
Ani started to protest but Sue shook her head. “Could you let Marcus know that we left and tell him to call us in a couple hours? I know—” She swallowed hard. “He’s going to need us, but I think he wants to be with Bethy right now.”
“Of course we will,” my mom said, pulling Sue into a hug.
They said good-bye to the rest of us, and then Richard ushered a crying Sue out of the room.
Ani’s distraught gaze met mine.
“Hard decision to make,” I told her quietly.
“Do you think they’ll—”
“No,” I told her resolutely, knowing what she was going to ask. “They won’t change their minds.”
Ani smiled tremulously, then looked around at the group. “Who wants to hold her?”
“Bram first,” Trevor said, his mouth tipping up. Asshole.
“Yeah?” Ani asked, turning to me.
“Uh.” I glanced at my mom, my eyes widening.
I’d held a lot of babies. I’d carried around Shane and Kate’s kids from the time they were just hours old. It wasn’t hard—hell, as long as you kept a good grip and made sure their head wasn’t wobbling around, you were golden. But I knew, I fucking knew, that the moment I held Arielle, everything would change.
“Sure,” I finally choked out. “Let me sit down.”
My dad snickered, but I ignored it as I took a couple steps backward and landed in a hard chair.
“Here you go,” Ani said quietly as the rest of our family moved to the far side of the room.
She laid the baby in my hands.
I couldn’t breathe.
This was insane.
I’d held babies before.
Why was I—
Arielle shifted in her blankets, and I inhaled sharply, watching her tiny face.
She was gorgeous. Like no baby I’d ever seen before. Her skin was darker than mine, but not as red as my niece Iris’s had been. And her eyes were almond shaped, which made sense because Sue was obviously of Asian descent. Her lips were puckered, but had a definite Cupid’s bow shape.
I pulled off her hat and smiled a little at the full head of short, black hair.
“Bethy’s half African American,” Ani said, crouching down in front of me to run a fingertip over Arielle’s head.
“She needs some pink,” I blurted out softly, glaring at the ugly hospital blanket Arielle was wrapped in.
“Yeah. Maybe Liz can get her some stuff. Bethy’s in with the social worker right now, and I don’t really want to leave the hospital.”
I nodded. I wanted to meet her eyes, tell her congratulations and all that bullshit, but I couldn’t look away from Arielle’s face.
I pressed my knees together, making Ani scoot back a little, and laid the baby down on my legs so I could unwrap her.
“It’s cold in here, Bram,” Ani murmured as I unwrapped Arielle.
“I’ll hurry,” I breathed.
She wasn’t wearing anything but a diaper, and her little umbilical cord stump was still gnarly looking, but that wasn’t what I was interested in anyway.
I lifted one foot and then the other, startling Arielle as I ran one finger over the soles and then counted the toes. Then I counted her fingers, letting the long digits wrap around my index finger.
“She’s got long fingers,” I said in awe.
“Yeah,” Ani said, resting her hand on my knee. “She’s got a birthmark too; did you see it?”
I looked Arielle over and finally noticed where her skin was slightly darker from just above her belly button to right below her sternum.
“It looks like Florida,” I said stupidly.
“Yeah, kind of,” Ani said with a chuckle.
My mom started walking toward us then, and all of a sudden, I felt extremely self-conscious. I wrapped Arielle tightly back up with trembling hands and lifted her to my chest.
“Can I have a turn?” Mom asked teasingly.
I wanted to tell her no.
“Sure,” I said, taking one more close look at the baby. Her eyes were blinking open and closed, and my heart thudded hard in my chest. “Here you go.”
Mom took Arielle and started cooing as I grabbed Ani by the back of the neck without a word and kissed her forehead. Then I walked away.
“Keys?” I asked my dad, barely able to get the word out. He nodded and tossed me his truck keys, and I got the fuck out of there.