Anita
You and me, kid,” I said to Arielle as she sucked on a washcloth. “Mama’s going to get it together. I promise.”
She didn’t reply. Obviously. But I felt better saying it out loud.
We were in the bathtub, and Arielle was resting on my bent knees, both of us waist deep in water. Usually I just gave her a bath in the kitchen sink, but after my little meltdown at Bram’s the night before, I needed a relaxing bath. I wondered vaguely if Arielle had peed yet in the water, but figured it didn’t matter.
What I didn’t know couldn’t gross me out.
“I have to go back to work soon,” I said, spreading the warm washcloth over Arie’s chest like a little blanket while she stared at me. “But you’re going to stay with Nana. That’ll be fun, right?”
Arielle’s foot slid up my belly and pressed against the bottom of my boob. “Hey, now,” I said, laughing. “Feet to yourself, miss.”
I cupped a handful of water and poured it carefully over her head, laughing when she sputtered. I didn’t even get any on her face, the big wuss.
“Just so we’re clear, I don’t want to leave you,” I said seriously, running my fingers through her wispy hair. “But mama’s gotta keep you in formula and diapers, ya know? Have to pay the bills and all that boring stuff.
“It’s kind of nice when it’s just me and you, right?” I said when Arie grabbed at my hand and pulled it to her mouth. “I like seeing all your uncles and aunties, but they steal you all the time.
“Yeah, I get it.” I nodded when she looked at me with wide eyes. “You never have to be put down when they’re around. But it’s not like I ignore you. Sometimes Mama has to sweep the floors and you have to hang out in your swing. That’s life, dude.”
I jerked hard when someone suddenly knocked on my bathroom door, my heart beating frantically as Arielle froze at my movement.
“Ani?” Bram called through the door, making my eyes close in dread.
“Yeah? I’m—” The door opened before I could tell him to stay out. “Shut the door,” I called, curling my body around Arielle’s. It was warm in the bathroom, but I knew it was probably ten degrees cooler in the rest of the house.
Bram quickly closed the door behind him, and I scowled in frustration.
“What are you doing?” he asked teasingly, coming farther into the room.
“We’re in the bath,” I growled, right as Arielle squawked loudly.
“I see that,” Bram murmured, smiling at Arielle as he sat down on the toilet next to us. “Are you having fun, baby girl?” he asked, reaching out to run his finger down Arie’s arm.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. I really wanted to cover up my boobs, which were on full display, but the only thing within reaching distance was the washcloth covering Arielle, and I wasn’t going to steal it from her.
“Just wanted to see how you were doing,” he said simply, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “You were pretty upset last night.”
“Yeah,” I replied uncomfortably. “I think I was having a chemical imbalance or something.”
“You were exhausted,” he said tenderly, reaching out to brush some hair out of my face.
“That too. Hey, can you turn the hot water on behind me?” I asked, desperate to change the subject. The water was cooling off around us, and I wasn’t quite ready to stand up bare-assed naked with Bram sitting right there.
“Lean forward,” he ordered, turning on the taps. His hand ran across my back as he checked the water temperature, and I shivered at the sensation.
The water was loud, and after a few seconds, Arielle’s face screwed up into a ridiculously sad expression. “Oh crap!” I muttered. “Turn them off!”
“What? Did I burn you?” Bram asked frantically, rushing to turn the water back off.
“No, but look at her.”
Bram leaned forward after the room was quiet again and laughed as he caught the expression on Arielle’s face. “What’s the matter?” he crooned, making Arielle look even sadder. “What’s wrong?”
She let out a pathetic little whimper, and I laughed as Bram let out a soft chuckle.
“I guess I should get her out,” I said finally, once Arielle’s face had gone back to normal and she was staring at her hands.
“You guys are looking a little wrinkly,” Bram agreed, getting to his feet. He reached over to the counter and snagged the two towels I’d set there.
“Give her to me,” he ordered, dropping my towel on the closed toilet lid and opening Arie’s wide over his chest. He plucked her out of my arms and set her against the towel, wrapping her up snugly. “Your turn,” he murmured huskily.
Shit.
I pulled the plug and stood in the tub, shivering instantly as my wet lower body hit the air. It only took me seconds to grab the towel and wrap it around myself, but I felt every single one of those seconds as Bram stared at my body.
“So you’re going back to work soon?” Bram asked as he followed me into my bedroom. I’d set out all of our clothes so they were ready when we were done with our bath, so all we had to do was dry off and slip them on.
Becoming a mother had taught me the importance of planning ahead.
“Yeah, Monday actually,” I said as Bram laid Arielle on the bed and dried her quickly.
“Arie’s staying with my mom?” he asked, deftly putting on her diaper, then pulling her little undershirt over her head.
“Yep,” I murmured, keeping one eye on what he was doing and the other on getting dressed as quickly as I could in a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt.
“She’ll do good there,” he assured me, buttoning up Arielle’s little footed pajamas. “Mom’s looking forward to it.”
“I know,” I said, stuffing my feet into some socks. “I just hate leaving her all day. I’m going to miss shit.”
“Have you thought about staying home with her?” he asked, snagging a receiving blanket off the end of the bed and wrapping Arielle like a burrito before pulling her to his chest.
“Of course I have,” I scoffed. “But the bills won’t pay themselves.”
Bram nodded as I sat down on the edge of the bed, running my fingers through my hair.
“We need to talk,” he said, glancing down at Arie. “She’s sleeping. Where should I put her?”
I guess bath time was more tiring than I’d realized. I’d have to remember that the next time Arielle refused to go to sleep.
“Crib in her room,” I answered, crossing the hallway to lead him into the nursery. “She sleeps in here during the day, but she refuses to at night.”
Bram huffed out a laugh and set Arie in her crib with a kiss on her forehead before turning to me and gripping my arm to tow me out of the room. He wasn’t mean about it, and it didn’t hurt, but it sure as hell gave off the impression that he meant business.
“We need to talk,” he said again as we reached the living room.
“Eh, I’m good,” I mumbled, taking a couple nonchalant steps away from him when his hand slid off my arm.
“You came to my house at four o’clock this morning.”
“Temporary insanity.”
“Don’t act like that, Ani.”
“I’m acting like myself.”
“Stop.”
“Well that’s not very nice.”
“Quit.”
“I’m feeling a bit tired,” I said with a fake yawn. “Let’s do this tomorrow—or never.”
“Why can’t you be serious for one fucking second?”
“I am being serious. I’d rather have this discussion, never.”
“I am completely in love with you,” he ground out angrily. The words were so incongruent with his tone that part of me wanted to laugh. The rest of me was frozen though, like one of those fainting goats that are all over YouTube, the ones who go completely stiff when they’re startled and then fall right over. That was me. I was a goat.
“I love you too,” I said back softly, “But that doesn’t really change anything.”
“It changes everything.”
“No, it doesn’t. You loved me before. You loved me when you punched Alex in the face when he found out we were sleeping together.”
“It’s different now,” he murmured taking a step forward.
“Bram,” I sighed, wrapping my arms across my chest. “It is different. You’re right. But the difference is that my priorities have completely shifted. Arielle comes first.”
“I know that,” he replied calmly.
“Then I’m not sure what you want from me. I have a family, okay? And as much as I like you, I can’t be with someone that I don’t have a future with.”
“Why the hell wouldn’t you have a future with me?” he asked baldly.
“Because you don’t want kids!” I hissed, losing my patience. God, it was like talking to a brick wall. I was trying to go easy, but he just kept pushing like he had no idea what I was talking about.
“I changed my mind,” he replied softly, making my jaw drop.
It only took a second. One second for my surprise to turn into red-hot fury.
“Oh, you changed your mind?” I said nastily. I could feel my skin growing warm as I flushed with anger. “All of a sudden you want to be someone’s daddy?”
“All of a sudden?” Bram scoffed, wiping his hand over his beard. “Sure, let’s go with that.”
“Too bad,” I said flatly.
“What?” Bram’s eyes opened wide in surprise, and I was secretly glad that I’d rattled his composure a little.
“I said too bad. We’re not here for your amusement, Abraham. You don’t just get to change your mind in a split second and decide that I should be what? Grateful? Jesus.”
“A split second?” he asked incredulously, bracing his hands on his hips.
“Oh, hey,” I said derisively. “I think I want to play daddy today. That sounds fun. Maybe tomorrow I can be a fireman, and the day after that I’ll be an astronaut.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he growled, glaring at me.
“Well, thanks for stopping by,” I said cheerfully, moving to walk around him to the front door.
“A split second,” he said as I reached him, gripping my arm to stop me. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”
I felt my little black heart curl into itself at his words.
“But it wasn’t a split second today,” he said quietly, “It was a month ago.”
“Oh, give me a fucking break,” I groaned, pulling at my arm. “I’m not doing this with you.”
“You’re such a fucking bitch sometimes,” he said in exasperation, letting go of my arm but not letting me pass him.
“I accept that,” I agreed with a nod.
“Knock it off, Anita.”
“All right.” I dropped all expression on my face and stood still, waiting for him to finish what he wanted to say.
I just wanted to get the entire thing over with. It was pointless.
“I want to be her dad,” he said seriously, pointing toward Arielle’s room. “I want to be your man and her dad. That clear enough for you?”
I didn’t let him see the way his words affected me. It was what I’d been waiting for, wasn’t it? I’d kept going, putting our relationship behind me even though it had been damn near impossible, but in the back of my mind a small kernel of hope had flickered. I’d just never imagined that it would actually happen.
“You can’t just decide all of a sudden after thirty-three years of never wanting kids that you want to be a family man,” I said flatly, refusing to even consider it. “You’re full of shit. What, going through a dry spell? Fine—strip. Arielle’s asleep for at least an hour. We’ve got time.”
Bram’s chest heaved as he stared at me in disbelief. “You think I haven’t thought this through?” he ground out.
“I think you’re lonely and upset about Henry, and I’m a safe option,” I answered honestly, the words tasting like gravel in my mouth.
“You know what, Anita?” he asked, shaking his head. “You’re going to believe whatever the fuck you want to believe—”
“Very true,” I cut in.
“But you’re fucking deluding yourself if you think that I haven’t been Arielle’s daddy since the minute you handed her to me in the hospital.”
“I know you love her, Bram,” I said, lowering my voice in response to his rising one. “You love all the kids.”
“Aw, fuck you,” he sneered, making me jerk back in surprise. “You’re so fucking blind.”
* * *
“Her bottles and formula are in one side of her diaper bag, and the diapers and wipes are on the other,” I told Liz on my first day back to work. We were standing in the middle of her kitchen while I held Arielle to my chest, dreading the moment that I’d have to hand her over. “She’s got two extra pairs of clothes in there too. She didn’t have a rash this morning, but sometimes it flares up out of nowhere so I put her diaper cream in the side pocket just in case. She usually naps around nine, but if she doesn’t fall asleep until later that’s fine too, but there’s always at least two naps during the day, if she doesn’t fall asleep then—”
“Take a deep breath, Ani,” Liz interrupted with a laugh. “I’ve got the basics down.”
I opened my mouth to argue, then shut it again.
“But since all babies are different, I’ll call you at the office if I have any questions, okay?”
“Okay,” I answered with a nod.
It was probably time for me to go. I needed to get to my office and start fixing all the things that I knew the temporary office manager had done wrong, but I really, really didn’t want to leave Arielle.
“She’ll be fine, I promise,” Liz said. “You brought over half your house so she’ll have plenty to do.”
She was right. I had. I’d loaded Arielle’s swing, bassinet, and bouncy seat into the back of my SUV and brought it with us to Liz’s. It had made sense at the time, but now it felt a little like overkill. Hell, we’d been over at Liz and Mike’s constantly after we found out about Henry, and Arielle hadn’t needed any of her stuff then.
I tilted my head down and gave Arielle a soft kiss on her forehead, running my lips against the smooth skin there. Then, before I could change my mind, I handed her over to Liz.
“Send me pictures and updates?” I asked as I pulled on my coat.
“Absolutely,” Liz assured me. “We don’t have anything going on today so Arielle and I will just be puttering around the house.”
“Is Dan home for the day?”
“He went into the office for a little bit, but I think he’ll be home around ten. We’re good, Ani.”
“Okay.” I racked my brain for anything else to talk about to delay my departure, but after a few moments, I sucked it up and nodded at Liz.
I left the house with a sinking feeling in my stomach and had to work really hard to keep the tears at bay while I drove to the logging office. It was silly. I’d left Arielle with Liz before, and I knew she was perfectly fine. Actually, leaving Arie with Liz didn’t bother me at all, normally.
But dropping her off so I could go to work was the first step in a precedent I was setting where I would be gone from her for nine hours a day, five days a week. Going back to work was the end of spending every day together. It was the beginning of our new schedule, and I hated our new schedule.
I would not cry.
I sniffled.
I would get my shit together.
I shuddered.
I would do my job, and I would not call Liz five hundred times to check on Arielle.
I glanced at my phone.
Stepping into the office a few minutes later was beyond odd.
So many things had happened since the last time I’d been there that nothing seemed familiar anymore. My desk and chair still sat in the front office, my photo of Kate and me was still sitting on the file cabinet against the back wall, and my coffee mug was still on the corner near my monitor, but nothing looked the same. Everything felt different.
For the first time, I didn’t want to be there. I’d always loved my job because it gave me a sense of safety. It made me independent, able to take care of my bills and provide for myself. Now, when it should have been even more important to me since I had another person to support, I hated it.
“Welcome back!” voices yelled as I set my purse down on my desk.
“Holy shit!” I yelped, jerking in surprise as Dan, Mike, Trevor, and Bram came out of their offices. I should have noticed that the office was abnormally quiet when I’d walked in. They’d been lying in wait.
“Bram brought donuts!” Trev called as they all lumbered toward my desk. “Dibs on the bear claw.”
“Happy to have you back,” Mike said sweetly, patting my back a few times as he leaned in for a hug.
“Arielle get all set with Lizzy?” Dan asked, hugging me after Mike had let go.
“Yep,” I said with a rueful smile. “She was fine. I was the one having a panic attack.”
I glanced at Bram across my desk as he grabbed a maple bar out of the donut box. When his head came up and his eyes met mine, he gave me an uncomfortable smile, taking a bite of his donut. He didn’t say a word.
While everyone else was teasing me about being gone so long and asking about Arielle, Bram was noticeably silent. He stayed in the front office with everyone else, but held himself apart.
“All right,” I finally said as Mike and Dan started arguing about some reality singing show they watched with their wives. “Everyone out. I have a ton of shit to go through to make sure the temp didn’t fuck up my files.”
“Nah, he did good,” Trev said, grabbing one last donut. “It was a guy who’d worked in an office like ours before.”
“Well, I still want to go through it,” I replied stubbornly. “Out.”
“Here for thirty minutes and she’s already bossing us around,” Dan complained to Mike as they walked back toward their offices.
“Thank God, someone needs to,” Trevor joked, following them.
When everyone but Bram and I had gone back to work, he finally spoke.
“You look miserable,” he said quietly, stepping closer to my desk as I sat down in my chair.
“It’ll get better,” I replied. “First day jitters, probably.”
“Did you even sleep last night?”
“Not much.” I pressed the power button on my computer and kept my eyes on the monitor. “Was there something you needed?”
Bram made a noise in his throat, then cleared it. “Nope.”
He walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief. We hadn’t seen each other since the day he’d stormed out of my house, and I didn’t want to deal with our drama while I was at work. He hadn’t shown up to family dinner the Friday before, and I’d been glad then because I hadn’t wanted to see him, but I should have realized that it would make my first day back at work even harder.
I felt comfortable around Bram. Always. Even when we were fighting, I didn’t feel uncomfortable or weird. However, I knew that, the next time we talked, shit was going to blow up. I could feel it in the air, like the sensation you get when you walk outside and just know it’s going to rain. The minute Bram and I were able to exchange more than just pleasantries, everything was going to burst wide open. The last three times we’d seen each other was merely a prelude to the battle I knew was coming.
I cursed as my computer finally started running and nothing was where it was supposed to be. It was going to be a long fucking day.
My phone dinged as I tried to figure out what in God’s name the temp had done to my files, and I smiled as Liz’s name popped up. I opened the text messages to find a picture of a sleeping Arielle, her hands spread wide and a little message written at the bottom.
Nine o’clock nap!
The day wasn’t going to be long. It was going to be long and excruciating.
* * *
“Did you miss me today?” I asked Arielle later that week as I fed her a bottle. “I missed you like crazy.”
I rested my head against the back of the couch and sighed. I was so tired. I’d thought that the first couple of weeks when Arielle woke up every two hours was hard, but it had nothing on waking up with her at night and then still going to work at seven thirty the next morning. Katie was right when she’d said that I needed maternity leave. I wished I was still on it.
“Hey, Ani! Your favorite person in the world is calling. Hey, Ani! Your favorite person in the world is calling.”
“Crap,” I groaned, leaning over to grab my purse on the other end of the couch. “I don’t know when your uncle Alex got my phone but his ringtone is even more obnoxious now.”
“Hey, asshole,” I answered when I finally found my phone in the bottom of my purse.
“Hey, pretty girl. How’s it going?”
“Good, just feeding Arielle. Do you think it’s cool if I just went to bed at seven? Arie goes to sleep at seven so I’m feeling like that would be totally acceptable.”
“Tired, huh?” he asked with a laugh.
“Yeah, working all day is kicking my ass.”
“You’ll get the hang of it.”
“God willing,” I muttered.
“How’s she doing?”
“Great,” I groaned, pulling the bottle out of Arie’s mouth as it went slack. “She’s, like, thriving and shit.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Yes, it’s a good thing. But I’m missing everything!”
“No you’re not,” Alex argued. “Moms have been working full-time for fifty years, and they haven’t been ‘missing everything’ or all their kids would hate them.”
“Was that supposed to make me feel better?” I groused, lifting Arie up to burp her.
“Yes?”
“Well, it didn’t.”
“Lots of moms have to work, Ani. You’re not doing anything wrong.”
“I know that,” I snapped, then immediately tempered my voice. “I just wish that I could be independently wealthy or win the lottery or something so I didn’t have to leave her every day.”
“Yeah, I hear you.” He paused. “Hey, have you talked to Bram lately?”
“I see him at the office every day. Why?” I asked, pushing myself up off the couch. Arielle was going straight to bed so I could, too, do not pass go, do not collect a bath or change into pajamas.
“Just wondering when you two will get your shit together,” Alex said lightly, laughing when I growled.
“Why is everyone all up in our shit all the time?” I hissed as I laid Arie down in her bassinet. Thankfully, she didn’t stir as I threaded her arms into and then zipped up the little sleep sack she slept in. “We didn’t work out.”
“If you would get your heads out of your asses, you’d work out!” Alex replied in exasperation. “Jesus, Bram’s got this shit hang-up that dates back to our mother, and you can’t see the forest for the trees. It’s ridiculous and annoying as fuck.”
I dropped down to my mattress and stared at my bedroom door. “Hang-up that dates back to your mother?” I asked softly, making Alex curse.
“You need to ask Bram about that,” he muttered.
“I’m asking you.”
“Well, it’s not my story to tell.”
“I don’t care.”
“Well, I do care. I don’t even remember half the shit he remembers, okay, Ani? He’s got all this shit floating around in his head, and I don’t even know how to talk to him about it because I cannot fucking remember it.” Alex’s voice grew rough, and I heard his teeth snap shut as he finished talking.
“I’m not even sure what to say to that,” I replied, kicking off my shoes and standing up to strip off my jeans. At least the dress code at work was one point in its favor. Jeans and T-shirts were pretty much the uniform.
“I just wish you’d talk to him,” Alex finally said as I climbed into bed in my T-shirt and panties. “I don’t think he’s sleeping, and you sound like shit too. Something’s gotta give.”
“I’m fine—just getting used to having an infant and a full-time job,” I retorted.
“You don’t miss Abraham at all?” Alex asked.
I opened my mouth to agree but couldn’t do it. Even if I thought I could lie to Alex, which I’d never been able to do before without him seeing through me, I couldn’t disregard Bram like that.
“Yes, I miss him,” I finally said. “But it is what it is.”
“Wrong.”
“You’re a nosy pain in the ass, but I love you anyway,” I said with a snort. “But I’m so fucking tired I’m going to fall asleep on the phone.”
“You’re in bed already?”
“I told you I was going to sleep at seven. It’s seven,” I replied, pushing my face against the cool pillow under my head.
“Fine, but I have one more question for you,” Alex said seriously, making me tense. “What are you wearing?”
“Fuck off,” I laughed, hanging up on him.
I set the alarm on my phone and set it on my nightstand before rolling to my back in the middle of the bed.
What had Alex been talking about when he’d mentioned Bram’s hang-up? From comments made over the years, I’d been under the impression that Bram and Alex’s mom was one of the good ones. They hadn’t had a shitty home life like I’d had. Their mom had actually died, leaving the boys wards of the state. I didn’t think that they’d ever known who their dad was—we were alike in that respect—but beyond that, our stories couldn’t have been more different.
So what the hell was Alex trying to imply?
I curled onto my side and pulled a pillow to my chest. My eyes were heavy as I looked out the window, but I knew it would be a while before I actually fell asleep. Nighttime was when I missed Bram the most. Throughout the day, I could keep myself busy enough that I didn’t think about him as much, but after Arielle was asleep in her bed and the house was quiet and still, his absence in my life seemed to magnify.
He’d been so adamant that he wanted to be with me the day he’d caught us in the bath, but I couldn’t trust him. How was I supposed to believe that he’d changed his mind? Our disagreement hadn’t been as trivial as where we wanted to live or how we spent our money. Having a child was a huge undertaking. It meant that you were dedicated to that child for the rest of your life. It was an even more binding and important commitment than marriage.
That’s the part that I couldn’t get past. Abraham wasn’t asking me to date him, or if he was, he was completely out of touch with reality. He was asking for a lifetime commitment, if not to me than to Arielle. But he couldn’t just decide a few years down the road that we weren’t working out. Even if he stopped loving me, he’d still be Arielle’s parent. It wasn’t something he could change his mind about, and the fact that his decision came out of nowhere made it even harder to believe.
My eyes filled with tears as I thought about the way he’d been dragging his body through the door of the office every morning, smiling at me tiredly as he made his way back to his office. He wasn’t sleeping, at least not as much as he needed to be.
I wiped my face and pressed it harder into the pillow, trying in vain to fall asleep.
I was pretty sure I didn’t look any better than Bram.