Chapter Two

I flee his room, blinded by my sorrow. “Aves. Wait!” Lee Lee’s footsteps echo as she chases me, so I push myself harder. Instead of the elevator, I find the stairs and take them two at a time. I slip from pushing my legs but I manage to stay standing. Pushing on the door at the ground floor,I barrel to the exit so I can inhale fresh air and get the stench of heartbreak erased from my mind.

“Whoa!” Deacon grabs me as I collide with his chest. “Aves. What’s wrong?” His concern causes his body to tense.

“H-he-he called me Picasso.” The elevator opens and Emberlee, Bethy and Darby are exiting. “I need air.” He leads me outside and my knees buckle. Deacon scoops me up and walks a few steps until there’s concrete under my ass as Saylor comes around the corner. After one look at us, she takes Darby from Emberlee and puts her in the stroller with Kinsley, waves and rounds a corner towards the park.

“What the hell, Aves?” Emberlee is pushing my hair from my face, holding me tight and trying to staunch the flow of tears that I’m hemorrhaging from my soul.

No Band-Aid can fix this.

No words of wisdom can soothe the ache.

No promises can mend the gash in my heart.

Bethy sits close to me, taking my hand. “I called your parents.”

“Thank you.” I murmur. Seems silly but I want my mom’s lap. My dads’ arms. I want the comfort of my childhood home.

“He loves you. He can’t forget that. He doesn’t remember what it is, but I promise he’ll come back to you.” She knows her son, and I’m hoping her words hold truth.

“Thanks.” I lean my head against Deacon’s shoulder and pull Emberlee tight. “Love you guys.”

“You’re scaring me.” Emberlee says to me.

“I’m terrified. Being without him shakes me to my core. I can’t imagine it but it’s playing in replay mode through my mind. Taking a machete to my heart would hurt less.”

“Did he say something?” Deacon queries.

“He called me Picasso. It was his thing.” I shrug. If we all understand something— it’s nicknames.

“But he didn’t remember?” He pushes.

“No. Looked at me like I had two heads.” A fresh wave of gut-wrenching pain works its way inside me.

“But he remembered. What were you doing?”

“Yelling at him.” Bethy giggles and Lee Lee snorts.

“That tends to get us worked up,” he blushes as he avoids looking at Bethy. “Makes us feel you care.”

“I hope Saylor doesn’t get pissed at you anytime in the near future. We may need to open a daycare if y’all have too many arguments.” Bethy teases him and for a minute, a second, I can breathe.

“Yes ma’am.” Deacon Douglas blushes. “We’ll stay with Aves until her parents get here.” He’s giving her permission to go back to her son.

“I think you could use some TLC from mom and dad.” She encourages me to embrace this earth-shattering revelation that’s ripped my life to shreds.

“I accept that conclusion.” I give her a watery smile— it’s all I can manage. She goes back into the hospital and we sit in silence.

“Remember when things were simple?” Lee Lee begins. “No love. No relationships. Our biggest issue was sharing a giant bowl of popcorn.”

“Yeah.” I sigh.

“And most of that bowl went into Mason’s mouth.” Deacon teases.

“Well, it was an upgrade compared to where his mouth ended up in the years to follow.” She chuckles. “Minus Breck.”

“Real.” Deacon shudders.

“As simple as it was, I wouldn’t trade our journey.” I acknowledge. With pain comes pleasure. With growth comes glee. With love comes laughter. You can’t let your focus be consumed with one aspect . . . a relationship and the intricacy is complex.

“I’d trade the stretch marks but not Darby.” Lee Lee nudges me and I cackle.

“I don’t think I’d change anything.” Deacon is wistful, staring at his wife reappearing from around the building, while we sit on the bench trying to figure out life and love.

My parents pull up in front of us and I stand giving hugs and assurances I’ll survive. I wait for Saylor in front of the walkway and Emberlee takes the stroller giving us a minute. “You gonna be okay?” She takes my hand.

“I don’t know.” The gravity of the situation is weighing me down, swirling in my mind.

“I’m here.” She hugs me. “After graduation, we can leave the kids with the guys and have a girl’s weekend. Ice cream, chick flicks, cussing— whatever you want.”

“Thanks. We’ll see.” I don’t commit because it’s different. For a year, we’ve been together but all walking different paths with our lives. Their changes with new schedules, kids . . . it didn’t cross my mind because my life was filled with Caden, school, and building our future. We were all a crew but moving through life discovering our own voyages. The divide— the different points of our lives— they’re flashing in neon. I won’t pull her from being a mom and wife— this isn’t her duty any longer.

“Love you, Aves.” She stares, tears welling as mine overflow.

“Love you, Shortstop.” I climb in the backseat and my mom joins me. A word isn’t spoken, but her arms circle me, pull me tight as if she’s responsible for holding me together. I see my dad’s frown in the rearview mirror but he hides it with a wink and a mouthed ‘I love you.’

At home, I wander with no destination in mind— except to avoid my studio. I’m empty and dark, with no creativity flowing from me.

“Avery.” My dad calls from the living room, so I make my way to him and fight a giggle. He’s lit every candle he could find and has a fire going . . . in May. Blankets and pillows piled on the sectional with a shitload of DVD’s piled high next to it. A mini-fridge has appeared and I peer inside. Chocolate, coke, and pints of ice cream jammed into the freezer portion.

“Dad.” I sigh. I turn and find myself enveloped in his arms— the first man I loved is still my hero. “Thanks.”

“Anything for you. I’m so damn sorry.” He struggles to control his emotions. It isn’t like Caden hurt me on purpose . . . this is an event in life that is uncontrollable. Without purpose. Without malice. I know he loves me. He loves Caden. And it’s a struggle— believe me I’m with him. I want to be angry at Caden, but I can’t. At least not realistically.

My mom clears her throat as she tosses a pair of fleece pajamas at me. “Change and meet me here.” She points to the mountain of bedding and I giggle. I rush to put them on and when I return, my dad is gone and my mom is sifting through the movies. “What do you fancy?”

I shrug. “You pick.” I reach over and pluck a soda for both of us as the beginning of Coyote Ugly starts. I wink at her— she knows me like no other. My dad rushes in with a big bowl of popcorn and I crumble.

Stupid air-filled kernels wreck me. Maybe it was Deacon’s comment at the hospital, or it might be the fact this was a ritual over the past year with Caden and me. Movies, popcorn and soda. It was the one time he cheated with his eating habits and we curled into one another, he always indulged in whatever movie I chose and spent the evening running his fingers through my hair. I’d more often than not fall asleep during the movie but he’d carry me to bed, settle in close and hold me. Some nights I woke, aching and needing him and he didn’t disappoint. “Take it away!” My volume echoing off the walls and my mom’s shocked face would be priceless if I wasn’t being stabbed over and over with a serrated edged knife. Each plunge took a chunk of my heart with its entrance and loosened another on exit.

Repetitively.

Her body covers mine; my dad shuffles close holding both of us. “Fucking popcorn,” I manage and I’m sure they think I need to be institutionalized.

“What was that honey?” My mom strokes my face and the terror staring at me from her eyes makes me writhe in guilt.

“Memories.” She nods and my dad exits now that he knows I’m not gonna turn into a mad woman.

“Mom, I’m so confused.” I admit as I lay my head in her lap. Her fingers tangle in my hair but it’s soothing.

“About what?” It’s a loaded question.

“Love.” I sigh. “It isn’t anything I thought it would be.”

“You’ve been happy with Caden. Isn’t that what you expected?” It’s hard to put into words.

“Yes. I thought it would be perfect. Fall in love, get married, the end. It hasn’t been that. Yes, some of our hurdles were our own doing— save the lecture.” She tugs a strand of hair with my sarcasm. “But this . . . how do you plan for this?”

“Oh, Aves. Life isn’t perfect. You reach for perfection or your idea of it in all aspects of your life. But you can’t with love. It’s fate. A leap of faith. It scares us. It confuses us. It can be messy, confusing, eternal, and unpredictable . . . but it’s life. If you question love, if you don’t give into it, be it fleeting or everlasting— you’re missing the best part of life.” Her eyes are misty as I stare up at her.

“What if he doesn’t remember? The best years of my life I spent hiding and they’re over? It isn’t fair.” I eke.

“It isn’t fair. Nothing about this is fair. It’s heartbreaking. It’s outta the blue. It’s confusing. And if he doesn’t remember— you will. And that has to be enough. But you’re lucky.” I roll my eyes. “Some go their entire life without feeling a fraction of what you do. They don’t experience the love you shared. Would you rather of missed that time with him?”

“No.” I accept what she’s saying. “I couldn’t give up that time. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not even his memory.” We don’t speak, the message is conveyed. Loud and clear.

I spend a few days at home but he’s being released today and I don’t want to be in the same neighborhood. They’ve confiscated all his communication, and I know he doesn’t have many memories after high school at home. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to the hospital— I needed a fucking break.

Nine days seems like a lifetime. It’s only been nine fucking days since the accident but my entire life has shifted. I pull into the driveway and Breck meets me at the door. I notice her ring finger is sporting a new rock that is near blinding. “Congrats.” I pull her into a hug and I mean it. Mason and Breck deserve everything.

“We didn’t want to make a big deal with all that happened.” She admits.

“Hey. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade. You deserve this. Mason deserves this. I am happy for you and if I’ve learned anything— don’t put anyone’s feelings in front of another’s. It isn’t worth it.” She takes my bag and I shuffle through the mail piled amid the other junk scattered all over.

I rip open a letter and stare at the deadline. I have five days to decline Prague. “You going?” She asks as she comes to read over my shoulder. I stare, no answer formulated. “Listen to me for a minute. The distance sucked for Mace and me but it was the best thing. My mind was able to focus on something other than pain. I was able to lose myself in my photos and I think it would be healing for you to do that with painting. Now, if he regains his memory before you have to leave, I wouldn’t dare let you board that plane. I’m proposing that you accept— with a contingency.”

I open my mouth to argue but the doorbell stops me. I open the door and stop breathing. Lilac, salmon, and white colored roses mixed with black dyed baby’s breath stare at me. Like every fucking month. How could I forget? My knees hit the tile and the noise emitting from me sounds like an episode of National Geographic. Attached to the vase is a bundle of chocolate. He started doing this two years ago. The arrangement and rations to see me through the next three to five days. My period passage of sorts. The guy stares at me, but Breck takes the flowers and candy, pushing him from the doorway and sets them down as she drops next to me. “Oh, Aves.” She rocks me until I calm.

I stand, stare at the offensive offerings to ease mother nature pains and decide I hate fucking flowers. I can’t hate chocolate because that’s sacrilegious and I may still get sainthood. I pick up the glass and hurl it against the wall. But my aim sucks and it goes right through the kitchen window. “Fuck him. Fuck it all.” Brecklynn grips my hand and drags me outta the there. I pick up the letter, call the number listed at the bottom and wait for an answer. “This is Avery Michaels. I’m calling to accept the offer to study in Prague for the street painting.” I confirm my email, and with the promise they will forward my itinerary by end of day, I end the call.

“I called Brody. He and Deacon are gonna be here to board the window until we can get it repaired.” She stares, waiting for my next rampage.

I hate to disappoint— it isn’t coming.

I’m empty.

“I’m going to Prague.” I announce.

“I heard.” She replies.

“This sucks.” I admit.

“Big, fat, hairy, donkey balls.” She agrees.

My parents are supportive but apprehensive. They feel I’m rushing things— and I am. I need the escape. I leave tomorrow and I promised I’d meet at Caden’s for dinner with the crew. Things are still touchy with what we can say and do . . . but his doctor thinks normalcy is what he needs. It may trigger something.

“Ready?” Brecklynn has been my shadow the last few days. She’s packing, ready to start her life with Mason and when I return from Prague, she won’t be here.

“No.” I toss her my keys, I find myself zoning into space and don’t want to risk driving.

“Your parents meeting us there?”

“Yeah.” I inhale.

“Do you think you rushed this decision?” She isn’t accusatory, just wondering where my head is. My emotions are so bottled I can’t pick up a paintbrush, a pencil— I’m blank.

“Yes. No. Fuck if I know. I don’t know up from down. Left from right. A piece of me is gone. Missing. The steady part of me, the one person who grounds me, frees me— he’s fucking gone.” Tears escape and I growl my frustration. I’m a fucking faucet of late.

“Hey. It’s okay. You don’t have to know that stuff. Everything is in limbo and your feelings are normal. I just don’t want you to leave because you feel pressured. I know I talked it up— but the decisions that worked for me may not be what you need.” She grips my hand as she pulls into the driveway. I see my parents waiting for me and sigh with relief.

“I get it, Breck. And if something drastic happens in the next few hours, I won’t go. I need a sign. Something . . .” She nods her understanding.

My mom pulls me to her side and my dad kisses my temple. “You ready baby?” His gruff voice surrounds me and gives me the strength to take that first step.

The laughter is rambunctious when I walk in . . . I’ve avoided him the past eight days, while everyone else bonded or re-bonded with him. It’s evident. Darby is in his lap, Julie is sitting in front of him, Kinsley has a grip on Brody and all the adults wear huge smiles. Within seconds, all the parents disappear to the other room leaving us— a fractured crew here. Breck goes to her brother, giving him an embrace while he holds her a bit longer. Her moving to New York is fucking with him. Passing the torch to Mason has been tough and thank goodness he’s had Emberlee and Darby.

“Glad you could join us.” Caden’s tone has a bite to it. I nod and don’t say a word. Meeting his eyes my heart catches, my body seizes— the years of love erased.