Chapter Thirty-Five
THATCH
That morning, I had left a sleeping Austin in my bed.
My warm bed.
She glowed, like an angel, her hair spread across the pillows while her arm was tucked under her head. She was peaceful, like she didn’t have a care in the world. The last thing I wanted to do was leave.
God, I hated my life most days, but what was worse? The drama was so completely unnecessary! Dealing with our parents’ messes was like babysitting grown children.
Austin’s mom had given me a note with her phone number.
It sure as hell wasn’t a booty call.
It was desperation.
And I’d refused to answer until last night.
Until I’d made love to Austin one last time, knowing that I couldn’t truly love her if I kept parts of myself from her—parts of the truth from her.
So early that morning, I called her mom and told her to name a place. Not because I wanted to air out all the dirty laundry but because she deserved to know the truth about her husband.
And my mother.
Pain sliced through my chest. In all the scenarios I’d been faced with, I’d always chosen to protect myself, because I was selfish.
Until Austin.
And then everything was about protecting her from the truth.
And making sure she was okay.
But now I was in too deep.
And my father’s threats were empty.
He said he’d kill himself if it got out in the open. He said that dating Austin was dangerous—it linked our families too closely together—he said it was only a matter of time before the news caught wind of it, ruined my career, and made us a laughingstock. He said it would destroy Austin in the worst possible way, just like how he and my mom destroyed our family.
And I believed him.
I believed him when he said it would all turn to hell.
I believed him when he said I was saving Austin by pushing her away.
Because it made sense.
And I’d been afraid.
So damn afraid about how I felt for her.
Afraid of what I would do for her.
Afraid of what she would do for me.
Afraid of what the information would do to us.
I wasn’t her savior.
I was a coward.
“End it.” Those had been his words months ago when he moved in across the hall, looking like hell had run him over and then done it again for good measure.
I lost my dad first.
But eventually, I lost them both.
And a part of me wondered if I wasn’t destined to hurt those I loved, just like my parents.
A part of me believed him when he said I was just like him.
That was why I’d kissed Brooke.
Truth.
I was angry.
I was in too deep.
And I wanted to hurt Austin—to push her away from the clusterfuck that was our families.
She had no idea of what our parents were up to.
And I hoped to God it would stay that way.
Her mom was already waiting for me when I walked in, my shirt soaked through from the rain.
“He’s with her again,” she whispered in a gravelly voice. “I can smell her on him.”
Hell. Med school had not prepared me for this.
“Look.” I placed my hand on hers. “Mrs. Rogers. All I know is that the affair started three months ago, when my dad moved into my apartment building to wait out the divorce paperwork. Mom finally kicked him out, solidifying his worst fears that it wasn’t just a fling but something more.”
She swallowed and kept her eyes downcast. “Does Austin know?”
“Not yet.”
Her head jerked to attention. “What do you mean, not yet?”
“She deserves to know. I’ve been waiting to say something.”
“But . . .” Mrs. Rogers shook her head. “You don’t understand! If you tell her, she’s going to blame me and—” Austin’s mom pressed a shaking hand to her face. “It’s my fault. I drove him away. I didn’t . . .” She bit down on her bottom lip. “I tried so damn hard. I just, I wanted to be perfect. I came to your office to see what you knew about the affair, and then while I was there, I realized, what if I just changed a few things, what if I was better, you know? If there was something I could fix or, you know—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” I said through clenched teeth. “Are you listening to yourself?”
Her eyes filled with tears.
“There is absolutely nothing you can do to yourself physically. Nothing. This is his choice, not yours. Sure, could you get Botox? Make yourself look younger? Absolutely. But what would it fix? Nothing. You’d still be miserable, and you’d be constantly on guard that he was still cheating. I’m going to tell you what I tell every person who walks into my office, alright?”
She nodded as a tear slipped down her right cheek, sliding over her deep-red lips. “Make changes for you. Never for someone else. If it’s for someone else, you’ll never be happy. When you change for a person, you start a vicious cycle of discontent.” I sighed. “What do you see when you look in the mirror? A woman worth cheating on? Or a woman worth fighting for?”
“Right now I don’t see much.” She shrugged. “But . . .” Her eyes got that fiery look I was so used to seeing reflected in Austin’s. “I’m worth a hell of a lot more than the way he’s treating me, mayor of Seattle or not.”
I smiled for the first time since I sat down. “I’d say I have to agree.”
She clicked her nails against her ceramic coffee cup, then squeezed my hand. “You’re a good man, Thatch Holloway.”
My stomach sank. “Yeah, well, hopefully when I tell Austin the truth, she’ll still think that.”
“The truth.”
“I was trying to protect her, from this, from . . . all of it actually, but originally I couldn’t see past my own fear.”
“You’re allowed a moment of selfishness when it’s something this big.”
I nodded.
“It’s only a matter of time before the affair leaks to the media.”
“And how do you know that?” I tilted my head, suddenly curious.
“A woman scorned is a terrifying thing to behold.” She smiled. “If you’re going to tell her, just be sure to tell her everything. Part of me wants her kept in the dark. I don’t want her looking at her father or me with disappointment. Know that I will fight with my last breath to preserve what is left of our family—Austin and me. I’ve let him control us too long. That stops now.”
“Even if it’s at the sacrifice of your own perfect world? Because the easy thing to do would be to just let him do his thing and keep pretending.”
“I’d be living a lie. And I’m tired of living in a world where all people see is what we allow them to see, so yes, even then.”
She stood and kissed me on the forehead.
I had to smile.
No wonder Austin loved forehead kisses.
My anger quickly dissipated, and then I realized I’d wronged her by trying to control the situation, and by protecting Austin, I’d done exactly what her parents had done to her all her life.
Controlled her.
I glanced up to say one final thank-you and felt like I’d just been kicked in the gut.
Austin was standing in the open doorway, her expression horrified.
I did a quick calculation of what she probably saw, her mom kissing my forehead, us sharing coffee, hardly anything bad. But she looked so pained, as if she could barely breathe.
She ran out of the restaurant like someone was chasing her.
Mrs. Rogers cursed under her breath.
“Shit!” I quickly pulled a few bills from my pocket, tossed them on the counter, and ran after her.
“Austin!”
She ran by her car.
And into the street. A few horns honked at her as she stumbled to the other side and continued running, until, finally stopping to catch her breath, she bent over and pressed her hands against her knees.
I caught up to her.
And heard nothing but broken sobs coming from her lips.
“Austin.” The wind roared in my ears as cold wet rain pelted against my cheeks. “Baby, I have no idea what you think you saw, but I can guarantee you it’s not that.”
“Leave me alone!” She made a weak effort to shove me away.
Yeah, I sure as hell wasn’t having any of that.
I grabbed her hand and tugged her against my chest, locking her against my body with my arms. “Why are you crying?”
“Because,” she sniffled, “my mom’s cheating! My dad alluded to that much this morning when I saw him. He was so upset, and he said, he said—”
“Your dad’s a fucking liar,” I interrupted with barely restrained anger. “And your mom was just asking me if it was true.”
“If what was true?”
“I can’t do this here.” I looked around the busy street, at the people scurrying beneath colorful umbrellas as they passed us by.
“Well, this is your only choice or I walk!”
“Damn it, Austin, why do you have to be so stubborn!”
“Tell me!” She shoved against my chest. “Are you . . . ?” Her lips quivered. “Why was she in your office that day? Why was she kissing you!” She spit out the last part like I’d done something unforgiveable. And maybe I had.
“It’s not what it looks like.” I reached for her, but she jerked away. “We were just talking.”
“Oh, that’s rich. Just talking. You were just talking and holding hands.” Her look went from pissed to horrified. “Was that it? Was that the reason? You were using me to get to my own mother!” She stumbled backward. “She gave you something in the office that day, and you said, you said . . .” Her eyes filled with more tears as they spilled over onto her cheeks. “You said I was a girl and you wanted a woman—” She hiccupped.
I kissed her roughly across the mouth.
She beat me on the chest and then sank into my hungry kiss.
“Austin, I love you. YOU.”
“But—”
“Stop talking and just listen, think you can do that?”
“No.”
I sighed. “Well, I tried.”
She glared at me even though I could tell the corners of her mouth twitched to lift into a smile.
“Let’s go.” I tugged her hand toward the Starbucks across the street and ordered some hot Pike Place Roast for both of us before leading her to a table in the corner.
“Why would you be meeting my mom?” Her eyes held so much hurt, and I was about to make it so much worse.
“Your dad’s cheating.”
Her shoulders slumped as she went completely still and then whispered, “That doesn’t explain why you’d be meeting with my mom.”
I sighed, feeling like pouring hot coffee all over my face to at least give me a brief reprieve from the cold rain before I confessed all my sins.
“Your dad’s cheating on your mom . . .” I cleared my throat and made sure to look directly into her eyes. The bomb was about to drop. I hesitated. Because what type of person wanted to have this conversation? “With mine.”
She frowned. “Your what?”
“My mom.”
“Huh?”
“My mom,” I said slowly. “Your dad.”
Austin’s jaw dropped a few inches. “What?”
“This has been going on for three months,” I ground out. “I found out about a month after we started dating.”
“How?”
“My father found out and ran to tell me he had proof . . .” And here came the really uncomfortable part. “He had pictures of our parents together. And said he was going to go to the press, was going to finally ruin my mother and ‘show the world what a slut she is.’ Mind you, my father’s a raging alcoholic, so I’m not even sure he’d make it to the news station without stopping at the nearest bar and getting drunk off his ass.” I paused. “And then . . . he saw you. Put two and two together and . . . well . . . suddenly it was like I was nineteen again, walking in on my mother with our gardener. My father blaming her for ripping apart our family even though he’d made the first mistake.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Damn it, Austin, I didn’t want you to know this way. I didn’t want you to know at all. I thought if I just pushed you away . . .” I didn’t want to keep talking. At all. It hurt finally telling her the truth, because every word caused her to flinch like I was delivering a physical punch to her gut.
Finally Austin asked, “Where are the pictures now?”
“I have them.” I shifted uncomfortably. “In my apartment.”
“You have pictures of your mom and my dad . . . naked?” she hissed.
I groaned into my hands. “It’s not like I’m keeping a sordid private stash, Austin!”
Her eyes welled up with tears and then narrowed. “When did you say you found out?”
I was silent and then said, “I was angry at you. But it was misdirected, the anger. I was angry at myself. At my family for ruining one more good thing in my life—you.”
Her expression almost killed me, so lost, so full of hurt and pain, pain I had caused.
“I was angry at your dad, angry at my mom, and even angry at my dad for telling me that I was just like them. Both of my parents are cheaters. And it scared me, scared me that he was right. And the closer we got, you and I, the more panicked I felt. What if I was capable of that? And when I finally realized I wasn’t, that I wanted to be with you, I realized a relationship was impossible. It would destroy you.”
Austin looked down at the table. “So you did exactly what they did, right? You became the man you never wanted to turn into—and cheated.”
“I kissed Brooke. I didn’t like it. And it was enough to make you so angry that you’d break up with me, or so I thought—and then you came back, and I almost told you the truth. But my father, he opened his door just a crack and—”
“Whoa, whoa, back up. He was in your apartment?”
I frowned and then tried not to wince. “No, he uh, he lives across the hall.”
“Creepy neighbor man is your dad?”
“Smells like whiskey?”
She nodded.
“Looks like hell?”
Another nod.
“Probably him.”
She reached for my hand, but I jerked away. I didn’t want her pity or her sadness, not right now. I still had more to say.
“I broke up with you to protect you. Eventually, the affair will come out. They’re careless, our parents. And you’ll be caught up in all of it.” I stood and backed away.
“Thatch.” Tears filled her eyes as she clenched her jaw. “Thatch, what are you doing?”
“What’s best.” I almost couldn’t find my voice. “Weathering this storm together is always an option. Or I could leave.”
“No,” Austin growled. “You don’t get to decide for both of us. That’s not how these things work.” Her eyes flashed as she shoved against my chest and then gripped my shirt between her fingers, pulling me close. Her eyes glittered with anger. “Did you ever consider that I would want you by my side when the scandal came out? That I would need you to survive it? All of it?”
She shoved me away.
I let her.
And stared in shock.
I blinked and opened my mouth but didn’t really know what to say. Because in every single scenario, I’d never thought of this one, the one where the girl wants to be by my side come hell or high water.
Because my mom had chosen to hurt my dad.
My dad had chosen to hurt my mom.
All I had seen in their relationship was pain.
I never saw love.
I never saw them look at each other the way Austin was looking at me right now. The way I’d always wanted to be looked at—with complete trust and confidence that no matter what, we’d still be holding hands in the end. And as if to prove her point, she reached for my hand and squeezed it hard.
“Are you going to go kiss someone to piss me off again?” she asked in confusion.
“What? No. Why the hell would I do that? I love you.”
“Then that’s really all I need to know.” She held out her hand. “One step at a time.”
“Austin, I don’t think you’ve really thought this through, all of it, what it will look like.”
“Funny you should say that”—Austin wiped at a few escaped tears—“since this really smart doctor once told me that it’s how you feel about yourself that defines the person you are, not what others say. He also said this really awesome thing about eating all of your dessert.”
“You would fixate on that part.”
“He buys me MoonPies.”
“Because he loves you.”
“And he lets me drink Mountain Dew.”
“And he prays every night it won’t kill you.”
She smiled and walked into my open arms. “I love you. Let’s just . . . wait and see what happens. Let me talk to my mom and . . . well, the good news is this. I’m on Team Mom, and I know a thing or two about revenge.”
“Believe me, I know, but you can’t just go keying your dad’s car.”
“Um, yeah, I can.”
“Austin—”
“I know a really easy way to slit his tires.”
“I’m not helping you commit a crime.”
“Fine, I’ll just call Avery.”
I jerked the phone out of her hand and shook my head. “I refuse to bail you out of jail. If you want to get even, I think I have a great idea, but let’s just . . . wait and try to get through the day for now, alright?”
She nodded and kissed me softly on the lips. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Thank you for not being angry.”
“Oh, I’m angry as hell that you thought by breaking my heart in a million zillion pieces, you’d be fixing things for me—”
I backed up slowly.
“But I also know angry sex is the best kind, so you’ll just do hard time in the bedroom, plus I had my eye on that stethoscope of yours. Think you could bring it home?”
“Something’s wrong with you.”
“Or very right?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Just wrong.”
“You love me.”
“I do.” I kissed her again. “Let’s go.”