IF THE HEADBOARD’S A ROCKIN’

LEVI

The knocking cuts through my alcohol-induced coma on the couch. It’s 11:00 p.m. and all four members of Taint, and Coop’s sister—our sometimes assistant when she actually feels like working—Deb are settled into the hotel suite watching some shitty romcom in badly dubbed Czech. We all look at Coop, who’s been bouncing his knee all night as he sits beside me as if he has the DTs.

“Oh, thank fuck for another female in the apartment,” Deb says, tossing her magazine on the coffee table. “If I have to spend one more minute alone with you arseholes, I might have to throw myself off the balcony.”

“Now there’s an idea,” I mumble, but my heart really isn’t in it.

“Eat me, Levi.” Deb flips me the bird. The knock sounds again.

“You gonna get that?” Zed asks. Coop stares at his best friend for a beat, as if he hasn’t comprehended those words. “Ginger’s at the door.”

“Yeah, I know,” he snaps, climbing to his feet. Dude’s probably freaking out about the ring in his pocket. That makes two of us. She could always say no. God, do I hope she says no. But she won’t, because even though Red doesn’t seem like the kind of girl hell-bent on walking down the aisle, when she gives her heart to someone, she gives them all of it. That’s how I knew she didn’t love me. No matter what I did, Cooper Ryan would own every inch of mental, physical, and spiritual real estate Ali had to offer.

He throws open the door, and I try not to watch their reunion, but I can’t help it. I can’t see her on account of him blocking her from my view, but I hear her. I hear the sounds she makes as their lips smack together. I hear the muffled squeal as he lifts her up, and the rough slide of her jeans against his as she wraps her legs around him.

God, I hate that fucker. I can’t sit here and listen to this. Zed grabs the remote and turns the TV all the way up to drown out the noise, but it’s in Czech and isn’t doing much in the way of distracting me. I get up and head for my room.

Coop had tried to get a suite for the two of them so they could be alone, but everywhere in this damn city was booked solid, and since Red coming for the holidays was a new thing, there really was nowhere else for them to go. I don’t blame him though. If she were here to see me, I wouldn’t go anywhere else just to make it easier for him. Maybe I’m not as selfless as Cooper fucking Ryan after all, but then he wasn’t willing to give her up for me, so there’s that.

“Levi?” I stop in my tracks, but I don’t turn to face her. I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. “You’re not going to say hello?” Her words are heavy with sadness, and fuck me for caring what this woman feels. Fuck me for wanting to ease her guilt. Fuck me for falling in love with her in the first place.

“Wasn’t planning on it just yet, but then you always knew how to make me do exactly what you wanted.” I face her, my eyes drinking her in as if I’m dying of dehydration and she is the cure for thirst. She looks good. Her hair is different, shorter with heavy bangs, and is now coloured a bright Ariel red. She wears glasses and a knit cap, a flannel, and jeans, and of course, her lucky red Converse. My heart feels as if it just imploded inside my chest. It hurts to look at her. It’s been six months, and it still fucking hurts just as much as the day she left.

She takes a few steps towards me, cautiously, as if she’s afraid I’ll run in the opposite direction. I think about it. Ali reaches up and throws her arms around my neck, burying her face in my chest. I don’t hold her back. I can’t, but then I hear her sniffle and all my resolve to treat her like a stranger just dissolves. I squeeze her tightly. Too tight. As if she isn’t real, and then I lean in and bury my face in her neck.

“I missed you,” she whispers.

“I missed you too. You look good, babe,” I say. “Fucking hot, actually.”

She pulls away to study my face. “You look like shit.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean it.” Her brows form a scowl. “Are you taking care of yourself?”

“Do you know me at all?”

She sighs. “Right, stupid question. Tell me you’re laying off the hard drugs though.”

“Haven’t snorted a line since Vegas. You remember that night, right?”

She slaps my chest. “I remember, arsehole.”

I know she remembers. How could she forget? That was the night everything went to hell in a motherfucking handbasket. I fucked her. I got her high and I fucked her; in turn, I fucked myself because she chose him, and no matter what I did, no matter how I bent over backwards to please her, to make her fall in love with me, she chose Cooper fucking Ryan. It didn’t matter how I tried, she’d always choose him.

What I’d said about the drugs wasn’t exactly true. I’d been fucked up all through Paris and Italy. In fact, there hadn’t been a single night where I hadn’t imbibed in some sort of escapism with drugs or alcohol. It was the only way I knew how to deal with losing her. And now she was here, and I was about to lose her all over again.

“I better let you get back to Ryan,” I say, letting her go “You know how he gets with sharing.” The joke falls flat. Neither of us laugh.

I lean in and kiss her cheek. “I missed you, Red.”

I close my eyes and breathe in her scent, relish the way she holds her breath, and then I pull back and walk away. I slam my door and for a long time, I do nothing but lean against it. Then I walk out onto my private balcony and let the freezing Prague air assault me. It’s snowing, and I’m wearing only a T-shirt and jeans. No jacket. No shoes. But I don’t give a rat’s arse because the bitter cold surrounding me provides a pretty good distraction from the ache in my chest.

I pull a pack of cigarettes from my pocket and light up, shielding my smoke from the winter chill. The snow bites at my feet, but it’s a welcome relief. I know this hell all too well. I’m on fire, burning from the inside out, and seeing her tonight has doused the flames in kerosene. When I’m comfortably numb, and my nose feels like it may have fallen off from the cold, I head back into the warmth of my room.

I shut out the cold, but inside, the sounds of my bandmates aren’t muffled by the street, or the traffic, or the soft thud of my feet against the snow drifts. In fact, it’s abundantly clear that I have the room next to Ali and Coop, and the two of them are going at it like rabbits. I fall onto the bed and watch the wall as if it were a window into their suite. I don’t need a window to know what they’re doing though. Right now, he’s buried balls deep inside her. I know because while she may be trying to keep quiet, the headboard slamming against the wall is making enough noise for the both of them.

I bury my head in my hands. My heart is being pulled from my chest, slowly, one long strand of muscle at a time until there’s nothing left. A sharp rap on my door startles me, and Ash peeks his head in.

“Hey,” he says uneasily and stares at the wall, where the hanging picture starts to bounce in time with their movements. “You wanna hit the gym with me?”

“Actually, I was thinking of waiting till it’s my turn,” I deadpan. Ash blanches, because he never was great at seeing the funny side of things. “I’m kidding, fuckface, of course I want to get out of here. I’m not doing the gym. You and I are finding a bar and pickling our livers until they cry uncle, like old times.”

“Okay.” He nods, and I’m surprised convincing him to ditch his health kick was so easy.

“Where’s Zed?”

“He took off with Deb. She said she had some last-minute shopping to do.”

I raise a brow. “On Christmas Eve?”

“I think she’s just as happy about the Coop and Ali sleepover as you are.”

“Can’t blame her, I guess. It’s one thing to hear your ex-lover fucking her new fiancé, but it’s an entirely different thing hearing your brother and your friend go at it like rabbits.”

“Fiancé?” Ash asks.

“Long story.” I climb off the bed and grab my wallet from the nightstand. “Lead me to the booze, and I shall regale you with my worst fucking nightmare.”

“Jesus, I can’t wait,” Ash says as he tosses my jacket at me. I put it on, slip into my boots and grab a scarf. Then I follow him out of my room, through the apartment and into the hall, where our front door slams with the finality of my heart breaking in two.