Chapter 1

Ollie

It was my first day on the job at the new company, and all I could think about was how anxious I was. I hated the anxiety I felt. It had been plaguing me for years now, and I couldn’t escape it, no matter where I went. But this town, Madison, Wisconsin, brought a special kind of anxiety that was almost crippling. My dad used to tell me to just breathe, but how could I breathe when there didn’t seem to be any air left to fill my lungs?

I wasn’t anxious about the job. I had worked in investment for years now, and it was a seamless and simple job, at least in my eyes. Apparently, I was pretty good at it, and although I tried to fight it, I couldn’t turn down what my boss, Mike, had put on the table. I think he knew that when he sent me the offer.

I was still working for the same company, TGI Investments, but I’d been transferred to another position. Not against my will, but definitely against my better judgment. I knew that I was going to kick ass in the new position. That wasn’t even a worry on my mind. It seemed that I found my niche in life early on, and I focused in on investments, using it like a drug to keep away all the things floating around in my head. What was really bothering me was the fact that I was in Madison, a place I had promised myself that I would never come back to under any circumstances.

Yet there I was, looking around at all the familiar sights and feeling my chest caving into my lungs. Five years after my life flipped upside down, I figured I would have learned how to cope, but that didn’t seem to be the deal.

Madison in itself was a great town. It was a place where people were born, stayed to raise their kids, and then generations inherited lands and property. It was also a college town, which was how I knew the place. I went to the University of Wisconsin, and I knew the lay of the land, including all the old places that I used to love to go, but now, they were just painful reminders.

My new house was great, with several bedrooms, complete renovations, and an amazing location, but it was only a few blocks away from my old apartment. In fact, in order to get to my new office, I had to drive past it: something that messed with me when I first got back. Just seeing the outside, watching the kids go in and out, made me think of her.

The new job was like a dream come true, everything that an up and coming investor would want. It was outside of the major cities, it paid more than anything I’d ever had before, and it was situated in a small town with quiet streets and beautiful views. To anyone on the outside, it was the perfect offer and perfect situation. At least, that was what I told myself when I was standing over the papers, holding the pen.

This town wasn’t what it seemed to everyone else. It held a darkness for me, and no matter what I did, I was never able to break free from it. Maybe that was why after graduation I split, going where no one knew me. The love of my life, the woman that should have been by my side and building a family with me, died right here in Madison.

Everywhere I turned, every beat I heard, every tree, building, library, and church made me think of Lillie. Her laugh, her smile, and her tenacity still hung in the breeze that blew through the trees around the campus. I could almost hear her boisterous laugh as I ran through the streets for my morning run, taking in the sights. I was starting to feel like this was a really big mistake, something I should have listened to my doubts about in the first place.

Every morning in Phoenix, and even long before that, I would wake up with the sun and go for a run. There was something about getting the blood pumping that just helped my brain flow. Some people found solace taking a drive to the country or reading a good book, but me, I found my best thoughts, and my worst apparently, came to me when I was moving fast, the breeze on my face, my lungs working overtime. This morning, though, my run was a sad montage of memories, a “remember when” sort of tour through Madison. Even five years after graduation, almost six since Lillie died, I could remember every street we walked down, every alley we laughed in while hiding from everyone else, every patch of grass we spread a blanket down on and looked up at the sky.

Everyone had told me that eventually, those memories would be happy ones, things that made me remember instead of making me want to forget, but that day was still not here. I was starting to think I wasn’t going to be able to handle this. My heart ached like it was yesterday that we got the call that Lillie had been killed in a car accident. The fear, sadness, anger—it was all still trapped inside my chest. Of course, the path I took to run that morning might not have been the best to take, but it seemed the most logical.

Logical or not, I realized quickly that taking my morning run around the college campus might have been the worst idea I’d had in a long time. It was close to my house, though, and since it was my first day in the new position, I wasn’t keen on the idea of wandering too far away. Usually, when I would go for a run, I would end up all over the place, just going where my feet took me. There were more than a couple of times in Arizona that I ended up having to grab a cab back because I had wandered so far away from my place. My boss used to laugh when I would arrive just on time or even five minutes late, still wearing my running shoes and explaining I ended up on the other side of town.

This morning though, I would have taken being lost in Phoenix in the dead of summer over the haunting that was going on in my head from the scenery stretching out before me. I stopped for a moment at the gates to the courtyard, thinking about the time I had kissed Lillie under the stars. It had been the first time I really kissed her, the first time I had realized that I really cared about her. I took in a deep breath, trying to remember why I came out for a run in the first place. The calm and clarity that I got from my runs were completely absent from this one, which was defeating the entire purpose of it to begin with.

I turned the corner and stopped, putting my hands on my knees and catching my breath. I felt like with every step, I was making things ten times worse. I wanted to run with blinders on, unable to see the places around me, but then I might as well get a treadmill, which was seeming like a more and more viable option as every moment passed. I took in a deep breath and shook my head, trying to remember where my strength had come from the last five years. I couldn’t let this town get the best of me. Lillie would never have been okay with that. I needed to get my head back in the game and carry on with my life, pushing these feelings of pain down and remembering that the reason I was actually here would do a hell of a lot of things for my personal life and my career.

I stood up and started jogging again, heading away from the courtyard and past the major part of the campus. I turned left down the walkway, looking out over the quad at the students taking in the sunshine and playing frisbee. It was all so familiar, and part of it felt warm and comforting. I took that positive feeling and tried to push that through me, but as I rounded the corner, the massive library came into view, and all contentment immediately washed right out of me. I spent a lot of time in that library, especially with Lillie by my side. We had met our freshman year and immediately were two lovesick puppies. I could remember one of my favorite memories of her like it was happening to me right then.

It was a rainy October day, and we had gone to the library to study for our tests before Thanksgiving break. She had pulled me into the back, down a dusty row of stacks, and we sat there making out for over an hour. She was so feisty and brave, something I always loved about her. As my mind flittered through that memory, I completely zoned out, using my muscle memory to guide me through the walkways. It was kind of like those times you get so lost in thought while driving that you reach your destination without any memory of how you got there. Only this time, I had zero attention to detail, and as I rounded the corner, I slammed straight into someone. Our bodies smashed into each other, and all I saw were ribbons of dark, shiny hair flying everywhere, surrounded by sheets of paper. I had completely taken this poor girl out, and I had no idea that she was coming.

I fell back on my ass and bounced a couple times, feeling the twinge of pain in my ass cheek. I shook it off and immediately pulled myself up, looking around at the mess floating to the ground. I looked down at the victim of my mindless running and sighed, walking forward and putting my hand on her arm. She groaned, putting her hand to her forehead and rubbing it feverishly. I was pretty sure her head bounced off my shoulder on impact, which couldn’t have felt very good at all.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, looking over at the papers. “Take your time. I’ll grab your stuff.”

I hurried to grab the papers before they caught in the breeze and started blowing across the lawn. I could remember a time, my first day at the campus actually, that I had bumped into a gaggle of girls, not paying attention to where I was going, and my papers had flown everywhere. I was the freshman chasing his orientation papers across the campus. The last one I had picked up was actually sitting carefully on a bright blue blanket. That was the moment I met Lillie.

The memory singed me, and I paused, remembering her face and smile. I was interrupted from my thought, though, at the sound of the poor girl I had completely demolished coming around the corner. I grabbed onto the papers and turned around, heading quickly back to her.

“Did I hurt you?” I asked, shaking my head. “I’m so sorry.”

I reached my hand down, and she grasped it, flinging her head back, her black silky hair flying out of her face. She had a college staff badge hanging from her neck, and she looked to be about the same age as me. I pulled hard on her until she was on her feet, grabbing her shoulders as she wobbled back and forth, still rubbing her forehead. I leaned down and picked up the two books sitting on the ground and placed the papers on top.

“Here, I collected your things,” I said, holding them out to her. “Sorry about that.”

As the girl lifted her head, irritation on her face, I froze. This face was familiar, actually a bit too familiar, and my heart almost completely stopped. It was Elana, Lillie’s best friend.