My phone rouses me from a deep sleep and I roll off of Steven to squint at his bedroom, confused by my whereabouts, I’m so out of it. “Hello,” I hoarsely whisper while rubbing my eyes.

“Samantha?” Logan asks. Behind him are the usual sounds of a party or restaurant. Or club. Or lounge. Or festival.

Steven groans, “Who’s that?”

“He’s there with you? What time is it?”

Steven hates my talking to Logan.

But I don’t. I don’t hate it at all.

I tell them both, “Hang on,” slipping out of bed and reaching for a robe. It’s too large for me, since my boyfriend is over 200 pounds. But it will do. As I tiptoe out, hoping he’ll slip away and not remember any of this, I whisper, “I’ll be right back.”

The crowd where Logan is quiets more by the second which leads me to believe that he is hurrying to a quiet space, too. He’s got heavy sarcasm as he demands, “Can I talk now?”

Shutting the door, I walk to the refrigerator to get some water from a Britta container that Steven bought at my suggestion. You just never know what’s coming out of the faucet. I like to be careful—it’s a Cocker thing. We all have these.

Except maybe Sofia.

I didn’t think to check.

Boy, I am still half-asleep!

Where is my head right now?

“Why are you calling me this early?”

“It’s not early in China.”

“Don’t make me do math, Logan. I should be dreaming right now.”

“I’m having a hard time, Sam.”

Taking a long, cold gulp, I stare into the moonlit apartment I’ve been invited to move into. “What’s going on?”

Someone shouts in the background and Logan cusses under his breath before his voice becomes intimate again. “Ines and I aren't working out.”

Setting the glass down, my hand rests on the counter and clutches it. “You guys have been together a long time. I’m sure you’ll work through it. She just needs to know that you’re stubborn.”

He laughs, “Nobody is as stubborn as she is.”

“What problems? What’s going on?”

“She wants a child.”

My stomach flips over, and I swallow, casually asking, “What do you want?”

“Kids would ruin my career.”

“Said every woman ever.” I take another sip of water and set the glass down with a loud thunk.

Logan exhales, “I’m not the only guy who wants to be a good father and go after what I want. It’s hard to do both.”

“Yeah, but you can still dance. She couldn’t. If Ines gets pregnant, that would be it for the run. They’d have to find another Caroline—is that the new character’s name?” He doesn’t answer, so I continue, “And you said it yourself, she’s very good.”

He’s silent for a long time. I sit here in the darkness with him, listening to his breathing as the distant noise hums. “It doesn’t feel right,” he finally sighs and repeats a tormented, “It just doesn’t feel right, Sam.”

The bedroom door opens and Steven walks out. He is rubbing his eyes but it’s an act. I can tell he’s faking it, has been awake, unsuccessfully trying to listen to this conversation. “Is that Logan?”

“He’s in China and things are getting a little crazy there. You’ve heard the news.”

I don’t know why I just lied and made this seem like a political-unrest phone call. I’m sure my boyfriend would love to hear how the childhood friend I talk to every Monday is having troubles with his girlfriend. Complete inner monologue sarcasm intended.

Negotiating the ego of a guy like Steven isn’t easy, but I’m fine with that. I do it enough with the men in my family. He’s very successful and handsome and knows it. I love his confidence.

I do.

But I haven’t been willing to let go of my friendship with Logan. And I don’t like that he wants me to.

Does anybody like to be controlled? I might not be as rebellious as Lexi, but I’m a Cocker. We might give things up, even control sometimes, but we do so willingly.

Don’t bind this mind.

This life.

This heart.

Steven reaches into the fridge and rummages around, producing nothing as he closes the door again. Logan must’ve heard his voice because he’s gone silent, and his breathing is different.

“You coming back to bed? I missed you in there.” He slides his hand up my leg and I smile.

“I shouldn’t have called you with this,” Logan mutters.

My heart flutters with fear that he’s about to hang up. I reach out to touch Steven’s bare muscles and whisper, “I will be right in. Just give me another moment.”

He’s reticent, but would never press the issue too hard. It might appear to come from weakness and insecurity, two things he can’t admit to having like every other human on the planet.

Lexi often teases me about how I go on and on and on about Steven. I deny it, but she’s right. I adore him, and the feelings are mutual. But I want to be here for Logan.

Kids with Ines. Wow.

The bedroom door clicks and I ask, “Still there?”

“Is he at your place?”

“No. I’m over here. At his place. He wants me to move in.”

Who knows why I said it.

The information vomited out.

It had its own mind.

“Great,” Logan mutters with zero enthusiasm. “Are you going to? That’s a big step.”

“You live with your girlfriend.”

“We do a show five times a week, it’s different.”

“Probably more grueling.”

“Yeah,” he mutters.

Silence.

“Logan, you always said you wanted a big family,” I offer, but my heart is thumping hard. “So, why don’t you just give her what she wants?”

“Sam…” I can see him rubbing his face, because that’s exactly what he would do at this moment. It makes me wonder if he still looks the same. Does he have a beard? Does the production make him shave his strong jaw? Has he broadened out as the years have passed? Are his eyes as dead as mine?

Why did I just think that?

My eyes are just fine.

I’m happy.

“You know what I think?” I ask, rinsing my water glass and placing it in the dishwasher. “This is one of the most important decisions you could ever make and you need to be very careful.”

He ruefully laughs, “Are you saying that to me or to you?”

“Goodnight Logan.”

“Sam?”

“Yes?”

“Talk next Monday.”

“Okay.”

I listen to him hanging up, and stand here with the phone to my ear for a long, long time.