“HEY,” BIRDIE CHIRPED FROM THE other end of the line. “What’s up?”
“Not too much.” I stared up at the ceiling from my spot on the bed. “You haven’t been answering my texts.”
“I have been answering them,” she said guiltily. “Just not as timely as you like, but still.”
“That’s it?” I rolled my eyes. “No explanation?”
“I’ve been busy,” she mumbled.
“With what?”
“Life.” She was being vague, and I didn’t like it.
“Are you staying out of trouble?”
“Why does everyone always think I’m up to no good all the time?” she groaned.
“Who is everyone?” I demanded.
“You,” she covered quickly. “Just you.”
“I have good reason to ask that, B.”
And I also had good reason to doubt what she was telling me now. Something felt off with her every time I’d talked to her lately, but I couldn’t figure out what she was hiding.
“I know you do,” she said softly. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a bitch, but if it means anything, I miss you.”
I smiled into the phone. “It means everything. But if you miss me, then why don’t you come visit me like I’ve asked.”
The other line was quiet for so long I had to check the call connection before she answered. “When?”
“Soon,” I pleaded. “I want to see you.”
She shuffled around like she was getting comfortable. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.” And surprisingly, I meant it. I could imagine Birdie probably thought things would be terrible here, but if that was the case, she hadn’t expressed it outwardly.
“You sound different,” she noted.
“I do?”
“Yep.” She blew a bubble into the speaker, and I could see her trying to work it out in her mind. “What’s going on with you?”
“I don’t know.” I rolled over and stared out the window. “But I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, and I just regret the way we were living. It wasn’t right for me to do that. I should have showed you a better way.”
Birdie’s voice was soft when she replied. “You did the best with what we were given, Gypsy. I know you aren’t my mom, but you’ve always taken care of me anyway. I would never want you to feel bad for doing what you had to so we could survive. In fact, you’ve done too much. I’m an adult now, and it’s time for me to carry some of the burden. It’s time for me to be responsible too.”
Her words surprised me, and they sounded so mature, I didn’t know what to think. Maybe Washington was good for Birdie, but I had to see it for myself.
“Please come visit me?” I begged.
“I will,” she promised.
“Next weekend? I’ll buy you the tickets.”
“I can do it,” she said with a smile in her voice. “All grown up, remember?”
“Right.” I laughed.
“I don’t know about next weekend. It might be a couple of weeks with my schoolwork, but I will come.”
“Okay. I’m going to hold you to that.”
“I miss you,” she whispered. “I’ll see you soon okay?”
“Miss you too. See you soon.”
We hung up, and I stared at the ceiling for a long time before I decided to move. I thought about what Birdie said, and the truth was that I did feel different. My time with Lucian had changed me already in ways I couldn’t have imagined. He forced me to confront my demons, and I didn’t like it, but it felt like I needed it.
But that wasn’t the reason I felt lighter today. After waking up with the hangover from hell, I thought I would hate Luna for whatever concoction she gave me the night before. I felt as though I’d been tricked, and a part of me was angry. I certainly couldn’t trust her, I knew that much.
But something was different about me, and I didn’t know if it was the drink or the intense night and morning I’d spent with Lucian. Things were becoming clearer for me. Sharper.
I’d been dealt a shitty hand of cards in life, and I never realized until now just how fucking angry I’d been about it. The cons, the men, the money… I had so much suppressed rage built up over the years, it was my way of taking back power. When Birdie and I finally escaped Ricky, I felt like the world owed us everything for the hell we went through. It worked for a while, but deep down in the black cavity of my heart, I knew it wasn’t going to work anymore.
Lucian was preparing me for the world, trying to teach me all the things I never learned before he let me go. The problem was that now I was scared to fly.
It terrified me more than anything, considering what my life would be like when things with him eventually came to an end. He told me he couldn’t love me, and I believed him. This wasn’t my fairy-tale ending, and I wasn’t deluded enough to even consider it, but it didn’t mean I was as good at protecting myself as he was.