Odessa
It’s spring break, and I really should be out with my friends, but I’m not. I couldn’t afford to go on a crazy trip this year, so while Takaya and Renee and Julia are partying it up in Mexico, I’m at Anchored.
And oh, I shouldn’t be.
The minute I step through the doors, my eyes land on Jasper, and I know he sees me, too. For some reason, I thought he’d be gone on spring break. I guess I figured he’d be off with a new girlfriend or doing things with friends since everyone knows Anchored is totally dead the week of spring break, but nope.
As luck would have it, he’s here, and as soon as I step through the doors, he starts walking toward me. He was grouped up with Ryder, Zack, and Anthony, and the men watch as Jasper moves swiftly through the club in my direction.
Run.
I should run.
Everything inside of me is shouting that I should run away from him. I could do it, too. I could turn out, head back to my car, and just drive. I could go anywhere and Jasper wouldn’t be able to find me. He wouldn’t have the first clue as to where to look for me, but I don’t move.
I don’t run.
I just stand still and I wait.
Why am I waiting?
Why don’t I move when he walks toward me?
Why don’t I run when he reaches me?
Why don’t I protest when he puts his hands on my waist?
“You look fucking gorgeous,” he whispers, and then Jasper kisses me in front of the entire fucking club, and I don’t move.
I don’t run.
I don’t protest.
I just kiss him back.
Deeply.
Waves of contentment wash over me because no matter how much I want to fight this thing with Jasper, there’s another part of me that wants it to work out. There’s a part of me that wants everything to be okay. Jasper is handsome and interesting and smart. He’s a good Dom and a good listener. When we were together, he made me come so hard I thought my brain was going to explode, but then he disappeared.
Suddenly, the contentment is gone.
Suddenly, I feel cold, and I push him away.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“For what, Jasper?” I look up at him like he’s gone crazy. “What are you apologizing for? And why did you just kiss me?”
“I fucked up,” he says. A couple of people standing nearby stop talking, as if to eavesdrop, and I feel myself start to blush.
“Now?” I ask him. “You want to have this conversation now?”
He seems to realize I’m worried about the onlookers, and Jasper doesn’t say anything. He just takes my hand, leads me out of the main room, and guides me down a narrow hallway.
“Where are we going, Jasper?”
“Shh,” he whisper. “Just come.”
I’ve been everywhere the club has to offer and because I’m friends with June, I’ve been behind-the-scenes plenty of times. I know when we pass her office and her private rooms and the broom closet and the storage area and the guest rooms that haven’t been remodeled yet.
I know when we turn down another hallway that Jasper is taking me outside, and I don’t protest when he pushes open the door, leads me up a few stairs, and stands with me on one of the decks.
From the outside, Anchored looks like an ordinary mini cruise ship. It’s decommissioned, of course, and I have no idea how much June paid for the damn thing, but people passing by assume it’s either a private vessel or a restaurant. There have been a few times when people have shown up wanting to eat dinner here, but security is good enough that they never even make it inside.
“What are you doing, Jasper?” I ask. “I’m tired. I just came here to relax. I don’t want to fight with you tonight.”
“Fight? Why would you think we’re going to fight?”
“Because we always fight. Because you fucked me and then you abandoned me. You ghosted. Then, all of a sudden, you showed back up at the club and acted like nothing ever happened. What gives, Jasper? Why do you want to talk to me now? Why tonight of all nights?”
“I messed up,” he says slowly, and Jasper moves closer. He places his hands on my waist, and this time, I don’t push them away. He’s wearing a suit, of all things. A suit. A couple of the Doms do, and I like it. I prefer suits to leathers, and I’m not alone in that. There’s just something about being spanked by a man in a suit that screams powerful. Most of the Doms at the club still like to wear leathers, but not Jasper. It turns me on, him wearing these suits, and I hate the fact that Jasper can turn me on.
I don’t want to be aroused by someone who hurt me so deeply.
I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the excuse. It could be anything, but I say the first thing that pops into my head.
“Is it because I’m black?”
Jasper is silent for a minute, and then he lifts my chin so I’m forced to look into his eyes.
“What?” He asks, and I see the shock and pain in his eyes.
Fuck.
So that’s not the reason.
He seems offended and hurt that I even asked him that.
“I just thought…you know…” I start to sputter. Apparently, I had him completely wrong.
“You thought I didn’t want you because our skin doesn’t match?”
“You’re white,” I whisper. “And I’m not.”
“You think I’m so shallow that I need a white girl to be happy, Odessa? You think I need someone who looks like me? Is that the type of man you think I am?”
“I’ve been with men who were happy fucking me but who didn’t want to bring me home to their mommas, Jasper,” I say, more than a little defensively. “You wouldn’t be the first.”
“Odessa,” he whispers, taking a deep breath. “You have the most beautiful skin in the fucking world, and the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen. You make me laugh harder than any woman has ever been able to make me laugh and when I’m with you, you make me feel like everything is going to be okay. You make me feel safe, and you make me feel happy, and you make me feel brave.”
I don’t know when I started crying, but when Jasper brushes the tears off my face, I realize I’m practically bawling at his words.
“Then why did you leave?” I whisper. “We had the most wonderful night together, Jasper, and then you just left. You didn’t call me or text me. You stopped coming to the club. It was like you just vanished, and then you just randomly came back.”
“I’m in the Army,” he says, and I shake my head because I don’t know what he’s trying to say.
“Okay?” I ask. “So what? What does that have to do with us sleeping together? Does the Army not want you getting laid?”
“I have a classified job,” Jasper says. “Do you know what that means?”
“It means you can’t talk about what you do.”
“That’s right,” he says. “I’m an analyst, Odessa. It’s a classified position that I can’t talk about to anyone. Even you. Even if we got married, Odessa, I wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about what I do.”
“It sounds lonely.”
“It is, sometimes.”
He pulls me close again, wrapping his arms around me. I try not to breathe him in. I try not to accept the way he smells. I try not to think of how fucking good it feels to be wrapped in his embrace, but it does. It feels good, and I feel tiny and small and protected.
“Sometimes I have to go away,” Jasper says. “The day after we were together, I was scheduled to go away. I was gone for a couple of months.”
It all makes sense.
That’s why he stopped coming to the club.
It wasn’t that he was avoiding me: he just wasn’t here.
“You couldn’t have told me you were leaving?”
“I thought about it,” he says, and that hurts.
It hurts to know he could have let me know he was going away, but that he didn’t.
“But I couldn’t reach out and contact you while I was gone. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going or how long I’d be gone for. Some of it I just didn’t know. Some of it I couldn’t share. I thought we were just a one night thing, Odessa. I thought you didn’t want anything serious, and I was worried that if I told you how much I cared and that I was going away, you’d think I was being clingy. Deployments are never easy. Leaving is never easy.”
“Being in a relationship is never easy,” I finish. “You’re right. We should have talked about it. I figured you thought it was a one night thing, too, Jasper. We should have communicated better before we jumped into bed together.”
“I’m sad you thought I didn’t want you,” he says. “It tears me up.”
“What was I supposed to think? I didn’t know you were in the Army.”
“You jumped to the logical conclusion,” he says, “but I don’t want you to ever doubt yourself again, Odessa. You’re beautiful and funny. Smart. Sassy. You’re everything I want in a woman and more. You’re incredible and you deserve to be treated like you’re incredible.”
“And what about you?” I ask.
“I’m not a very good person. I’m not very brave or smart. I make dumb choices. I hurt the woman I care about.”
“What if she forgives you?” My voice is a whisper. The water is splashing against the side of the ship. The sound drowns out the beat of my heart. My heart, which feels like it’s about to explode, has never been so loud before.
“What are you saying?” He asks.
“I’ve been hurt before. I had a regular Dom for a long time and then we were in a relationship,” I tell him. “We cared deeply about each other. Nothing terribly serious happened. It just wasn’t a good match, but losing him hurt. I didn’t just lose a partner or a Dom. I lost a friend. I don’t want to feel that pain again, Jasper, and I’m scared. I’m scared that we’re going to try and you’re going to hurt me.”
“Odessa,” he whispers, but then he just kisses me.