Cheats
The next morning I woke to the strange sensation of an egg being laid in my belly button.
Set. I mean set in my belly button.
Luckily, I didn’t roll over. Otherwise my and Meeki’s offspring would have become a yolky splat across my stomach.
“Take care of him today,” Meeki said. “But do not talk to me or look at me, or else this will be the last child you have.”
She stormed off.
“Moooooorning.” Soup’s nose peeked over the edge of my bed. “Time to get up! It’s Tuesday. That means you only have two days to get back to Gravity!”
I pushed him away by the forehead.
I was sore from Four Square and running three laps, so it took me a while to get dressed. I slipped an ankle sock around the lopsided face of the egg abomination and then slid it into my pocket.
With Scarecrow and the rest of the Master Cheefs roaming the halls, most of Video Horizons now felt like enemy territory. I told Soup to steal me some zero-point food from the Feed, and I used the time to shower in the communal bathroom while no one else was in there. Still, just in case, I undressed in the shower, hung my clothes over the railing, and then kept the curtain firmly pressed to the tile with one hand while I tried to clean myself with the other.
I wanted to . . . think about Gravity, just to unwind a bit, but then Soup hopped into the shower next to mine and whistled a hollow imitation of the Super Mario Bros. theme. I carefully dressed in the shower, getting my white pants wet, and after having successfully cleaned myself without anyone seeing my man boobs, stepped out just in time to see Soup’s penis.
“Breakfast!” he said, pointing to hash browns steaming on the sink.
That day’s sports block included weightless workouts, water balloon dodgeball, and, again, tai chi. Most players ran outside to play with the water balloons, but I wanted to avoid the Master Cheefs. Also, I was wearing white pants with black underwear.
Tai chi was taught by Fezzik in the candle room, where light rose and fell like a dragon’s snoozing. The only other players were Aurora and, because I was in there, Soup. You look stupid doing tai chi, but no stupider than wiggling around in front of a Wii. We followed Fezzik’s movements, as if defending ourselves against an invisible horde of ninjas. Aurora kept breaking free from Fezzik’s instruction, moving like a sheet in a thunderstorm. I couldn’t decide if I was annoyed or impressed.
+2,000 points
Music was taught by the Silver Lady, who handed out ukuleles and had players follow along while she plinked out “The Bear Went Over the Mountain.”
I started to feel antsy. I wasn’t making enough points in these classes to give me room to fail miserably in any of the remaining contests. I didn’t like my odds of earning any medals in the remaining days, let alone two golds and a silver. The Four Square tournament had been a total fluke. And that had been before Scarecrow wanted to murder me.
The Silver Lady played “Hot Cross Buns” while I dreamed of playing the Spanish guitar at Mandrake’s, melting Gravity’s heart.
• • •
In the Feed I ordered the beet-and-spinach salad for 1,000 points, while keeping my eyes peeled for enemies. As I crossed to the Burds’ table, I noticed Scarecrow slouched in the corner of the Master Cheefs’ table. His lip was split, his nose a yellowish purple. There’s a moment in games when you’ve leveled up so much that the enemies who once killed you with a single swipe now look harmless, adorable almost. I tried not to smile. Scarecrow was so skinny and pathetic. What had I been afraid of?
Just then Dorothy, Lion, and Tin Man sat down with him and glared in my direction. I quickly headed to the Fury Burds’ table.
Because of Soup’s awesome performance in Four Square, I let him sit next to me. He petted the joint-custody egg he’d just received from Aurora.
“I will name him Muffin,” Soup said.
“I thought it was Megg White,” I said.
“It is Muffin now.”
Behind us some Sefiroth with thick-rimmed glasses and all-black clothes started freestyle rapping.
“Ain’t no beatin’ this sand, Ozy.
No more feelin’ nice ’n cozy.
The cold hard fact is you need better data.
So go right ahead,
Stay ignorant, playa.”
Ugh. Nerdcore. Hard-core rap about video games.
“Who is that?” I asked.
“Parappa,” Meeki said, a little dreamily.
“If he doesn’t shut up, I’m gonna throw my spork at him,” I said.
Meeki gave me a look.
“What?” I said.
The look got worse.
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll throw something less sharp.”
“I’m getting a doughnut,” she said, and left.
What the hell was her problem?
Soup danced his egg along my lunch tray. “Muffin could use some companyyyyyy.”
I groaned but then took the Abomination out of my pocket and set it on the table.
“They’re on an eggy playdate,” Soup said.
I ignored him and ate my dirt-flavored salad while an angry wind blew across the roof, flickering the Feed’s lights.
A girl I recognized from the Sefiroths walked up to our table.
“Hello,” she said.
Her flowing hair and flower-girl voice reminded me of a weeping willow. She was so close, I could see acne scars under her thick makeup.
“Um, hi?”
“I just wanted to come over and say thank you.” She touched my shoulder, and I tensed up. “Scarecrow’s such a jerkhole.”
My shoulder relaxed a bit. “Yeah, he is.”
Soup nodded.
My fear of the Master Cheefs started to thaw a bit. If I had some allies in the Sefiroths’ guild, I could be protected. Even if they were a little sickly. I could walk the hallways in safety and be more relaxed in the tournaments. Even if they were warm bodies who couldn’t fight.
“I’m Dryad,” the girl said, tossing her hair over one shoulder. “You’re Miles?”
Soup stuck his hand between us. “My name is Soup. I’m his partner. We’re a team.”
“Cool,” Dryad said. “Aww, your egg is so cute.”
“Mine’s not the cute one,” I said. “Mine’s the lopsided one.”
“That’s the one I’m talking about,” she said. “May I?”
“Sure.” I handed her the Abomination.
“Aww,” she said, patting its little egg head.
The egg slipped from her hands. My hand shot out to catch it, but my grabbing fingers tipped it away . . . and my and Meeki’s little Abomination splatted across the Feed floor.
Dryad covered her mouth. “Oh no. I am so sorry.”
“Uh . . .” I looked into the wide eye of the broken shell. Not getting 10,000 points a day would seriously set me back.
That wasn’t my only concern. Meeki was buying a doughnut. What would she do to me?
I felt Dryad’s breath on my ear. “You think it’s cool to break people’s noses?”
I jerked back. “Huh?”
She stared at me with so much intensity, it scared me.
I shook my head. “I’m not the one who broke it.”
“Yeah,” Soup said. “Scarecrow was the one who called Meeki the Great Wall of China.”
Dryad’s eye twitched uncertainly. “That’s not what he said.”
“Yeah huh!” Soup said.
BANG! Dryad slammed her fist down, shattering Muffin and splatting Soup and me with yolk. She hurried out of the Feed.
Soup sat in gooey shock. On the other side of the Feed, Scarecrow gave me a crooked smile and then slipped out after her.
What a coward. Couldn’t even execute his own egg assassinations. Was Dryad the one who’d given Scarecrow those hickeys? Or was it Dorothy? Both? How many women did he have? Was there some sort of Scarecrow Manson family?
Soup let out a little whimper. He sucked in his lips, trying not to cry while he collected the shattered, scattered, starry eggshell. I considered going and telling Fezzik, who was behind the food troughs, but then he might’ve asked why Dryad had done it, and that would have placed 100,000 of my points in jeopardy.
Aurora and Meeki arrived at the Burds’ table and saw the splattered eggs. Meeki’s mouth fell open just like it had on the Four Square court.
I put my hands up. “It wasn’t my fault. That willowy Sefiroth chick came over here and smashed them.”
Meeki said nothing, just kept that same dumb shocked expression on her face.
Soup sniffed.
“Oh, come on.” I said. “It sucks to lose the points, but they’re just eggs, dudes.”
If anyone had a right to be upset, it was me. None of them had dates to go on.
Aurora picked up a bit of eggshell and stared at it with her satellite eyes. “They grow up so fast.”