Extra Life
Gravity sat in the chair onstage. She looked pissed, refusing to look anywhere but at her nails. God, she was even prettier than I had remembered. I still couldn’t believe I was actually looking at her.
But how could I talk to her? She could not, under any circumstances, meet the rest of my guild. They’d try to convince her I was a complete asshole. Also, I needed to change my stupid outfit. I sank even lower into my beanbag chair and willed her not to look in my direction. Right then I needed the Gravitational pull between her and me to drop to zero.
Onstage G-man placed both his hands on Gravity’s shoulders, like some kind of mossy-toothed vulture. “We want you to think of Video Horizons as a magical place. . . .”
Meeki continued to smile at me. Aurora avoided my eyes. Dammit. Why hadn’t I been just a little nicer? Why had I tried to kiss a girl when I was supposed to have been on a date with someone else?
G-man introduced the three guilds. Fortunately, Gravity wasn’t having any of it. Her nails got all of the attention. She glanced up once for a second, but her eyes passed right over me.
“Which guild will lead you to success?” G-man said, and shook the Box of Fate in her face.
Please don’t be Burds, please don’t be Burds, please don’t be Burds.
“I’d rather not,” Gravity said, pushing the box away.
“Well, you have to be in a guild,” G-man said.
“I really don’t,” she said.
She was such a badass. Why hadn’t I tried that?
“O-kay,” G-man said. “I’ll pick for you.”
He fished around in the box.
Please don’t be Burds, please don’t be Burds.
“Toffette,” G-man said, unfolding the little piece of paper. “You— Sorry. Hold on, players.”
Command was signaling G-man from the door. He jogged up onto the stage, and they spoke quietly behind Gravity.
“Hmm.” Meeki stroked her chin. “What shitty thing should I tell her about first? How many times you cheated? How you tried to use us all as your personal peons? How you talked about her like she was already your girlfriend? That you tried to kiss Aurora?” Meeki considered Gravity onstage. “Or maybe I should just let her spend some time with you and figure out how shitty you are all by herself.”
“Please don’t,” I whispered.
“I need everyone to quiet down right now,” G-man called from the stage. The adventure was gone from his voice. The Hub fell quiet. “Has anyone seen Soup?”
The players murmured to each other, but no one spoke up.
G-man let the guild paper flutter to the ground. “Okay, we have a player missing.”
Meeki noticed the expression on my face.
“This is because of you, isn’t it?” she said. “I’ll start by telling Gravity about that.”
“The police are on their way,” G-man said, “but in the interim, we’re going to make three search parties. Each guild will head out in a different direction and comb the surrounding area.”
Lion raised his hand. “How many points if we find him?”
The Cheefs laughed.
G-man gave them a disappointed look. “This is not the time . . .” He trailed off and studied their faces. “Fine. A hundred thousand.”
The Cheefs cheered.
I would have thought they were insensitive, point-hungry lunatics, but earlier that afternoon I would have been ecstatic to earn that many points. Now not only were points meaningless, but it was my fault Soup was missing. It was almost enough for me to stop worrying about what to do about Gravity. Almost.
“Please meet with your guild leaders in the bunks,” G-man said. “And bundle up. It’s chilly out there.”
Lion and Tin Man ran toward the exit like Soup was some rare trophy monster to be hunted.
“Bonus million for finding Atari’s E.T.!” Lion shouted.
I tried to disappear among the Sefs. I needed to avoid running into Gravity until I was certain she wouldn’t see me with anyone in my guild. That was the plan. That was, until I saw Scarecrow heading toward the stage. I froze in the doorway as he slouched up to Gravity and offered his hand.
“Scarecrow,” he said. “You should come with the Cheefs. You don’t want to hang out with most of these fags, anyway.”
Gravity gave a little smile, and I booked it straight back to the stage, stained white pants and all.
“Um, whoa,” I said, staring at her, wide-eyed.
Gravity’s eyes grew wide. “Whoa. You’re the kid from the car wash!”
“Jaxon,” I said.
“I know,” she said. “Jaxon.”
I’d forgotten how big her lips were.
“You know each other?” Scarecrow asked, incredulous.
I would have thought he was a dick, but he was right. There was no good reason I should know a girl this pretty.
Gravity bit her lip and bashfully turned the toe of her laceless shoe on the floor. “He sprayed me with water.”
“Heh.” I shrugged. “She, um, kept clawing at the furniture.”
Gravity laughed. Scarecrow left. It was one of the greatest moments in my life.
Gravity leapt up and slapped my arm. “I thought I stood you up tonight!”
“You did,” I said. “But I decided to get back at you by standing you up at the exact same time.”
She laughed again. I’d almost forgotten how easy things were with her. I got that lovely unwinding feeling I had thought was gone forever.
Gravity covered her face with her hands and then parted them, cradling her cheeks. “This is so embarrassing.”
“Um,” I said, “you do realize I’m here too, right?”
She dropped her hands, disgusted. “You mean a video game nerd asked me out?”
We both smiled.
“I’d ask what you’re in for,” she said, “but I already know. Spraying innocent girls at the car wash. They do know that’s not a video game, right?”
Something clicked. My Super Mario Bros. shirt hadn’t been a deterrent. It had been an attractor.
“I thought you were a Luddite,” I said. “No car. No phone. Why are you here?”
“Yeah, about that no phone thing . . .”
“You gonna introduce me to your friend?” a voice said behind me.
I turned around and found Meeki with the sweetest smile on her face.
Shit.
“Is this the Gravity?” Meeki asked with a fake-shocked expression. “The one you were supposed to go on a date with tonight?”
“Gravity?” Gravity asked.
“Oh, I, uh, didn’t want to tell them your real name,” I said.
“Aww,” she said, nudging my chin. “You talked about me?”
“Uh, yeah,” I said, feeling myself blush. I wanted to say something funny, fast. “My name is Miles here, by the way. Miles Prower. Get it? Miles per hour?”
“Clever,” Gravity said. She didn’t so much as crack a smile.
We had another awkward pause, like the one we’d had at the car wash. Only this time, Meeki was standing there, grinning through every painful second.
“Welcome to V-hab, I guess,” I said to Gravity.
I couldn’t be cute and clever right then. I was terrified Meeki was going to ask how Gravity and I had met, and then I’d have to explain that it wasn’t some dickhead who’d sprayed her at the car wash. It had been me.
“Yo, Toffi.” Scarecrow stuck his head back into the Hub. “You coming?”
“You should come with us,” Meeki said, as sweet as ever. “I can tell you aaaaaaaall about this place.”
I couldn’t drag my finger across my throat at Meeki without Gravity seeing. So I just stood there. Like an idiot.
Gravity gave me a devastating smirk, then gave the same devastating smirk to Scarecrow, as if she was asking which one of us wanted her along more.
Did I let Meeki reveal every terrible thing about me, or did I send Gravity off with the Master Cheefs, only to be swallowed up into Scarecrow’s harem?
“Come with us,” I said.
“All right,” she said, shrugging.
“Great!” Meeki said.
“Great,” I said.
I was going to throw up.
G-man stuck his head back into the Hub. “Players! Let’s head out! Now!”
Meeki, Gravity, and I walked to the Nest.
“This is exciting!” Gravity said. “What if the missing kid’s dead?”
“Then Miles will have a lot of explaining to do,” Meeki said.
Gravity laughed. I did not.
We climbed the stairs to the Nest, where Aurora did her best to avoid all three of us.
“Gather around, everyone,” Fezzik said. His face was flushed, and he had a very sober look. “It’s my fault Soup’s missing. I was distracted and only thinking about myself.”
“What a dick,” Meeki whispered just to me.
“Shut up,” I said, quietly between my teeth.
“Soup is our little caretaker,” Fezzik said. “The Nest wouldn’t be the same without him. The pillows wouldn’t be as fluffed and the cross-stitch wouldn’t be as neat.”
Meeki nudged me and whispered, “Hey, you should show Gravity some of your cross-stitch!”
“What cross-stitch?” Gravity said.
“Oh, it’s a, uh, joke,” I said.
“Or what about that watercolor?” Meeki said.
“What watercolor?” Gravity said.
“She’s joking.”
“Guys?” Fezzik said, and we all shut up. “Let’s get out there and find him. He can’t have made it far on those little legs of his, but I still think we should hustle.”
Fezzik handed out jackets and then shook the lump in the bunks. “Zxzord, up.”
Zxzord didn’t budge.
“NOW!” Fezzik bellowed.
Zxzord shot up straight. The undead risen. Fezzik really was a healer.
I needed a hell of a lot more than that to get me out of this situation.
• • •
The desert was purple with dusk as Fezzik led us across the dunes, away from Video Horizons. He didn’t make any jokes about our party of adventurers heading off into the wilderness—the healer giant, the electric warlock, the Asian warrior, the Elvin oracle, the beautiful time warper . . . and the dude who’d lost our guild’s pet.
Sand sucked our shoes; the wind stung our faces. Aurora and Meeki kept their distance, like two satellites. Gravity fell behind and admired Zxzord’s tattoos. The sight made me extremely uncomfortable, so I focused on the search.
Soup would be fine. We’d find him. He’d say something annoying like, Didja miss me? and jiggle my belly in a way that would let me go right back to hating him.
Why did the stupid kid run away anyway? It wasn’t like what I had said was that bad.
And why the hell was Gravity touching Zxzord’s arm?
The wind raised the sand, blurring the horizon, making it difficult to make out definite shapes. My mind kept tricking me with little ghost flashes of a Soupy silhouette scrambling up the side of a dune. I’d blink, and he’d be nothing more than sand swirling in the night wind.
Something light and dry brushed my cheek. I whirled, expecting to find Soup. It was Aurora, offering me a dead leaf.
“What is this?” I asked, taking it.
She shrugged and walked away.
We came to a large dune and trekked to the top, huffing and searching in silence. I started to get just a tiny bit worried. How were we supposed to find a little Soup sprite in all that sand? A dune hovel? A tuneless whistle in the distance? Big fat tear drops in the sand? Up to this point, I’d never had to look for the kid. He had always found me. I kept expecting to have him latch on to my leg so I could drag him back to Video Horizons.
“What’s that?” Gravity asked, flicking the leaf between my fingers.
Thank God she’d left Zxzord behind.
“Oh, um . . .” I looked at the leaf. I had no idea what it was supposed to mean. Rather than explain the weird magicky girl whom I’d tried to kiss just an hour before, I tossed the leaf aside. “It’s nothing.”
“Hey, Miles!” Meeki yelled. “What if you screamed out an apology? Maybe that would bring him back?”
“What’s she talking about?” Gravity said.
“I . . .” I shrugged.
We reached the top of the dune. There was nothing but sand and stars in every direction. Smaller dunes swelled at the bottom of the slope before us, any one of which could have hidden Soup.
“Hmm,” Fezzik said. He sized up our guild more than he ever had before the tournaments. “Okay, Burds, it looks like we need to split up. I trust you. I don’t think you’re going to try to ditch the party. And if you do, you’ll probably get hit with an Ice 3 spell and freeze to death.”
Even with all of my insulation, I was starting to shiver. I couldn’t imagine what Soup’s little body was going through.
“I’m calling the peak of this dune the save point,” Fezzik said. “If I call, I need you all to return here immediately. Deal?”
“Deal,” we all said.
“Not you, Zxzord,” Fezzik said. “You come with me.”
“No one ever trusts the druggie,” Zxzord said.
Gravity giggled.
The guild fanned out as we trekked down the dune, our feet making big impacts in the sand. Gravity stayed with me.
“Funny that we both got committed here,” I said.
“Sure is.”
“It’s almost like the universe—”
“I don’t believe in the universe,” she said.
“Oh. Ha. Neither do I, actually.”
We trod through the sand in silence for a few steps.
“Miles sucks!” Meeki called across the dune.
“Miles doesn’t suck!” I shouted back.
Soup wasn’t there to defend me. What else could I do?
“Not the charmer with everyone, huh?” Gravity asked.
Oh God. Here it was. How many people had I pissed off in the past week alone? Aurora, Meeki, Soup, G-man, Scarecrow, Dryad, Casey, my dad . . .
“Far from it.”
“You sweet on that weird chick with the white hair?” Gravity asked.
“What makes you say that?”
She shrugged. “She gave you a leaf.”
In the distance Aurora’s hair glowed in the moonlight. “I haven’t sprayed her with a hose, if that’s what you mean.”
Gravity laughed, and I instantly felt a little better. God, I had shot myself in the foot. I’d treated everyone in V-hab like crap, and now it was going to bite me in the ass. She’d see what they saw—a pudgy, desperate gamer who actually had no idea how to interact with humans and was too terrified to admit it.
“I hate to break it to ya,” Gravity said, nodding toward Aurora. “I think that chick has a screw loose.”
I laughed. “You noticed?”
“Totally. And that Asian chick seems like a total dick. Plus her boobs are weird.”
“Ha-ha. Are they?” I said.
“Totally.”
I hoped Gravity didn’t think my boobs were weird.
This was amazing. Gravity saw exactly what I’d recognized when I’d first gotten there. The Fury Burds sucked. And I was a good guy who was pretty funny every once in a while.
We descended in silence. The back of Gravity’s hand brushed the back of mine once or twice. Maybe this would turn out perfectly after all. Gravity and I were locked away together in the middle of the desert, no hope for escape. I might even start point dodging like Soup just to stick around a little longer. Then she and I could be annoyed by him together . . . once we found him, of course.
Before we reached the bottom of the dune, Gravity hooked my arm and whispered, “Wait.”
We sat in the soft sand and stayed low as the Burds disappeared behind the smaller dunes. The occasional “Soo-oup” floated in on the wind.
Oh my God. Was Gravity going to kiss me? Her face was so close. I was ready.
“I’ve got a crazy idea,” she whispered.
“What?” I said.
“You know how that giant said no escaping?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Well, what if we did?”
I could barely make out her expression in the starlight. I couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.” She looked toward the road. “They like to make us believe we’re in the middle of nowhere, but we could easily walk back to the highway and hitchhike out of here. Whaddayathink?”
My stomach flipped while my heart swelled.
The good thing about video games with multiple endings is that you can always save in the last hour and go back to replay it differently, to see how things turn out when you make different choices. Not so with real life.
Should I stick with the guild or make a romantic midnight escape?
Gravity was beautiful and laughed at my jokes and played video games and actually wanted to go on a date with me.
Then there was my guild: Meeki, who tore me to shreds. Aurora, who had rejected me. Fezzik, who wouldn’t defend me when I really needed him. Soup, whom I had made run away . . . but only because he’d been acting like a little shit. Zxzord, that asshole, who had told Meeki I’d kissed Aurora and who had flirted with Gravity.
“Yeah, let’s get the fuck out of here,” I said.
“Yesssssssssssss!” Gravity said, shaking my arm.
Once we were gone, I’d never have to deal with the Fury Burds again. And they’d never have to deal with me.
We crept back up the dune. Once we reached the top, Gravity stopped us again.
“Wait,” she said. “I just got a better idea.”