Not even a hot shower can warm me after seeing Jared. But I remain standing under the hot spray until the water runs cold. I dry myself and dress in my winter pajamas, digging through the drawers in my walk-in closet in search of the huge, fluffy, hideous bathrobe Cleo bought me years ago for Christmas. It might be ugly and hot pink in color, but it’s so damn soft and, dare I admit it, comfortable. Her presents have really started to become useful this past month.
After pouring myself a glass of wine, I take a sip and a seat on the couch, wincing at the cheap taste of it sliding over my tongue. My gaze falls on the boxes lining the walls of my living room. My lease is up next month, and even though my inheritance from my grandmother will arrive next month on my birthday, I’ve done the math. Numbers might be boring as hell, but my degree will come in handy in making sure I can survive and still live comfortably on my grandmother’s money while working at the bookstore. So I’ve been apartment hunting. Both Isla and Cleo have offered for me to move in with them if I run out of time.
Which I just might. Between running the store and running from myself, it’s hard to focus on much else. I thought I knew exactly who I was and how much control I had over my own life. I was unforgiving with my harsh outlook on reality; my vision clouded with inexperience and judgment.
But the simple fact is—I had no idea.
Nobody has any idea of their true self until they hit that pivotal moment. Until they come across that tree in the middle of the road, blocking the way out.
It’s like you’re submerged under a vast, never-ending pool of water, constantly swimming and trying to surface before you run out of air.
Rock bottom.
I always thought only idiots who were just too damn lazy to sort their shit out and get on with life used that stupid saying. A few years ago, I almost gave some drunk who was crying into his beer at a club in the early hours of the morning two hundred dollars just to buy a pair and man up.
Boy, am I glad I didn’t.
Because the true idiot here is me.
I may not be the nicest person in the world, and I can accept that. I can own up to my mistakes and take responsibility for them. But I’ve come to realize I’m not a bad person either.
Looking at it all, and I mean really sifting through those things better left alone, I’ve discovered I’m just like everybody else underneath the finery that covers me.
Unfailingly and bare nakedly human.
Part of me desperately wants to put an end to this madness.
You can’t break that part so easily, the kind of girl I used to be.
But he broke who I was becoming.
And I don’t know how to fix her.
Loud banging has me sitting straight up in bed. I’d be pissed, but it’s not like I’m sleeping much these days anyway. I’m sick of the torture I experience every time I close my eyes. No thanks, I’ll just try to stay awake. I’ll pick the devil I know—reality—over the devil that toys and teases me with cruel words in my dreams.
Still wearing the huge, fluffy robe, I tuck my feet into my slippers and wander down the hall. Whoever it is knocks again, and a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach has my feet pausing near the kitchen. I glance at the time on the microwave and see it’s just after one in the morning. Shit. It’s him. I know it is. Which is only reaffirmed when he hollers at me through the door. It’s muffled, but I still hear it. “Vera, open up. Please.”
My phone starts ringing from the bedroom. I glance back down the hall to where the sound is coming from then back at the door. He keeps banging, knowing I’m going to answer to stop him from waking up my neighbors. Damn it. If the couple across the hall weren’t in their sixties, I wouldn’t give a shit.
Keep telling yourself that.
I growl at my own thoughts and stomp down the hallway, pulling open the door and hissing at Jared, “What the hell do you think you’re doing here?”
He stumbles back a step then rights himself and comes straight for me, bypassing me and walking into my apartment. “Hey! Get out.”
He shakes his head and continues walking down the hall. I let the door close and run after him, stopping him when he gets to my bedroom with a hand tugging at his jacket.
“Whoa, baby. You want me to take it off, all you gotta do is ask.” He slurs a little and turns around. Bloodshot eyes stare down at me, and the acrid scent of tobacco mixed with whiskey drifts over me. “You’re drunk.”
He smirks, and I want to punch him. “Why, yes. Yes, I am.” He pinches the air with his thumb and pointer finger. “Just a little.”
“Jesus fucking Christ.”
He chuckles. “Fuck, I love your filthy mouth.” He steps closer, dropping his head to my shoulder. “Missed you.”
My stupid heart rejoices, but I don’t give it what it wants. I push him away. “Go home; you’re wasted.”
He stumbles again, and I quickly right him. Even if I feel like letting him fall to the floor, I don’t feel like paying for the damage his big body might inflict on the wall behind him. “Why’d you lie to me?” His eyes narrow on mine when I take a step away from him.
“I came over to tell you …” I stop and cross my arms over my chest, sighing. “God, this is pointless. What’s done is done; just forget it.”
He laughs, but the sound is hoarse and a little broken. “Forget it? You fucking ripped my heart out and stomped on it with your expensive as fuck heels.”
“I didn’t know that would happen; I just did what I had to.”
He nods. “Yeah, well, thanks a fucking lot.”
I arch an incredulous brow at him, and he steps forward. I retreat until the backs of my legs hit my bed. “You should’ve just told me the truth.”
“Please.” I roll my eyes. “There was no point after what I walked in on.” Fire fills my bones, and I relish in its burn, gritting my teeth.
He lurches forward, arms reaching for me, but thanks to his inebriated state, I dodge him. He falls face first into my bed with a groan. “Fuck …” He rolls to his back and stares at me. The look on his face is the very definition of defeat. Too bad I don’t give a damn.
“Jared, get up and go home already.”
He groans again, rolling to his side and blinking lazily at me. Great, he’s going to pass out. “Can’t,” he mumbles. “Took a cab.”
“So I’ll call you another one. Up, now.” I swing my hand around in the air and point at the door.
He chuckles. “Come here. Lie down with me.”
Is he serious right now? Of course, he is. “No.”
“Can you at least get me a glass of water then?” He licks his lips. “My mouth’s too dry to kiss you the way it is now. Probably tastes like an ashtray, too. But don’t worry, a bit of water should fix it.”
“Water? You’re seriously asking me for water?”
His eyes close, and he nods.
Oh, my God. I turn around, leaving the room and cursing him out the whole way to the kitchen, where I get his stupid glass of water. But when I return, he’s out cold.
“Jared.” I shake his shoulder. Nothing. Not even a flicker of his eyelids. Great. I fight the urge to tip the water over the asshole’s head and place it down on the nightstand instead. Grabbing a blanket from one of the boxes in the living room, I lie down on the couch.
Where I proceed to stare at the ceiling until the sun rises.
At around seven in the morning, I hear the toilet flush in my en suite and sit up, running a hand through my hair and cringing at the ache in my tired muscles. Today should be fun. But I’m used to it by now.
I fold the blanket and head to the kitchen to make some tea. Jared emerges five minutes later; his face rumpled from sleep and last night’s binge drinking session. I don’t say a word to him; I don’t even know what I’d say. I sit down at the counter and sip my tea, scrolling through my phone and hoping he just leaves. “What happened to your library?” He leans a hip against the other side of the counter.
My lungs dry out. I still haven’t stepped foot in there since I tore it apart.
He sighs. “What happened? Tell me the whole fucking truth, Vera.”
“My library, my business.”
“Not the library, your dad. What did he do?”
Scrunching my nose, I admit, “Well, nothing. I did what he asked me to and ended it. Your business is still standing, I assume?”
“He threatened you with my shop?” He groans. “Shit, Vera. Why the fuck didn’t you just tell me? It would’ve been fine; we could’ve …”
I look at him then. “Do you know who he is?” Jared nods and tries to talk again, but I don’t let him. “So you know it wasn’t worth the risk. I’m not sorry I did it because I know him. And when I got too weak and tried to tell you anyway, you crushed me beyond repair.” I turn my attention back to my phone. “So I guess we’re even. Now get out.”
“Vera, fuck, I’m sorry.” The words are rough and edged with remorse. “Would you please look at me?”
“Why?” I pretend the picture of a donut and coffee that Cleo’s posted on Instagram is way more interesting than the man standing across from me.
“Because I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry, and that I couldn’t hate myself more right now.”
I take a sip of my tea. “That’s nice. I hate you, too. The door is that way.” I lower my mug, gesturing toward the door with my head and still not looking at him.
His laugh is coated with sleep and nerves. “You can try to freeze me out all you like, Frost. I’ll just keep trying to make you melt again, anyway.”
“Stop.” I lift my head, trying not to flinch from the full effect of having him stare at me like that. Like I’m his reason for existing and he’s tired of trying to keep doing so without me. “You’re not allowed to do this to me, not after everything that’s happened. I have no idea why you’re even here. You said it yourself, it was over weeks ago. Three weeks, if we’re being technical.”
“Because you fucked up and then I really fucked up. But I need you …”
“You don’t need me. You’ve made that perfectly fucking clear,” I lose my cool and hiss at him.
“I do,” he almost growls.
“Why?” My breath hitches. “Son of a …” I shake my head. “Why can’t you just go and leave me alone?”
“Because I fucking love you!” he roars.
My heart seizes in my chest, and my phone falls from my hand to the counter. “What?”
His chest heaves up and down. He runs a shaky hand through his hair, messing it up even worse than it was when he walked in here. “I’m in love with you, Vera Bramston.”
Rage like I’ve never known fills my aching heart; its raw and all-consuming haze blurs my vision and floods my bloodstream. How dare he? How fucking dare he tell me he loves me now and like this? The bastard.
I’m so blinded by my fury that I don’t even see him rounding the counter. I only realize he’s wrapped his arms around me because his scent invades and tries to override my anger.
“Get the hell off me.” I try to break his hold, standing from the stool and trying to shove him away. When that doesn’t work, I start slapping at his chest until I’m practically punching him. “Just go, asshole. And take your lies with you.”
“Vera.” His voice is firm, but I don’t care. I shove away from him, finally. “I’m not lying. Look at me.”
I stare at his scuffed boots instead. Wondering if he wore them all night, or when he fucked Stella. Because I know he probably did. It’s been weeks since we were together.
That has my head snapping up. He opens his mouth to spout that four-letter word again, but I beat him, venom coating every word that leaves my mouth. “Did you tell Stella you loved her, too?”
He flinches as if I’m the one who destroyed him. And yeah, I might’ve done that, but I was never with anyone else.
“Frost, I’m sor—”
“Don’t fucking call me that.”
He blows out a breath, taking another step forward. I back up against the wall, warning him with every ounce of hatred I can infuse into my glare not to come any closer.
And still, he steps closer. I run for it, bolting down the hallway to lock myself in my room, but a stupid box in the doorway means that Jared’s walking right in after me before I can spin around to close the door.
This is maddening. Why the hell won’t he just leave? “Haven’t you done enough to me, to my life? Why can’t you see that?” The volume of my voice rises and so does my heart rate.
“I haven’t done nearly enough. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I won’t be going anywhere. You’ll keep seeing me, hearing from me, and hell, hopefully think of me the way I constantly think about you until you fucking come back to me.” He growls those last words, hurling them across the room until they hit me square in the chest.
“I don’t think I can forgive you, so don’t bother wasting your time. Go find your little Dixie chick, I’m sure she can fix your broken ego again.”
“Stop, just fucking stop. If I can forgive you, you can forgive me, and I don’t want Stella. I don’t want anyone but you.”
“Well, you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t quite believe you, on account of seeing differently with my own two eyes.”
His head drops and he stares at the floor for a second before returning his eyes to mine. His voice is quiet when he says, “Jesus … I fucked up okay? I fucked up. I didn’t know, Vera. You never told me …”
“You would’ve found out the truth if you’d have talked to me instead of running your mouth and fucking someone else.”
“Stop!” he thunders. “I know what I did, but I never did that, I promise.”
“Why should I stop? You think it’s hard to hear, do you? Try hearing the person you love tell you all about how someone else got them off.” I laugh manically and point a finger at him. “That’s hard to hear. Now get the hell out of my apartment before I call the cops.”
He visibly flinches. “You wouldn’t,” he says, vulnerability bleeding from his green eyes.
Fuck. His stupid probation. How the hell did I wind up falling for a guy on probation?
“You love me?” he asks quietly, walking across the room until he’s standing in front of me.
“Did. Past tense. Now please, go.”
“You’re lying.” His nostrils flare, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. I swallow hard. He needs to leave before all my flimsily reconstructed walls crumble into dust.
“I’m not. We’ve both caused enough damage, Jared. Let it go.”
I walk by him and down the hall, snatching my phone from the kitchen then opening the door. He follows, frustration pulling those beautiful features tight. Just when I think he’s going to leave without any further assault on my heart, he whispers, “I’ll see you soon, beauty.”
My bottom lip trembles. I slam the door as soon as he’s over the threshold and shut my eyes over the tears.