“Dad can we have pizza tonight?”

“Ryan we’ve had pizza three nights this week already,” I mumble. I don’t know why I’m arguing. Anything beats trying to cook, but I really am getting tired of takeout pizza. Shit, I’m getting tired of a lot. Spending the night on the phone with Rory last night reminded me of things I had forgotten. It feels good to talk to an adult. Since we moved here, all I’ve had to talk to is Ryan. I like it. I wouldn’t give the world for the time I have with Ryan. My boy is something else, but damn, it felt good to talk with Rory. She’s not what I expected, which makes her more appealing—even if it shouldn’t.

“Please, Dad?” he asks and I shake my head.

Looks like I’m having pizza for supper again tonight.

“We’ll talk about it on the way to school. Hop in the truck before we’re late, Bub.”

“Okay,” he says grinning—probably because he knows he just won and we’ll get pizza again.

“Hey.” My head jerks to the right and I see Rory standing by her vehicle. She looks beautiful, her thick auburn hair pulled back in a thick ponytail. She’s wearing faded jeans and a pink t-shirt. She doesn’t even have makeup on, but she’s easily one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I remember talking to her last night and how soft her voice got when she was talking about memories of her grandmother. There’s a part of me that wishes I’d met her years ago… before life changed me in ways I can never fix.

“Hey, Rory! I’m headed to school. We get to play kickball at P.E. today.”

“You do? That sounds like fun,” she says smiling so sweetly at my son that her eyes seem to sparkle.

I can feel this burning in my gut and I don’t like it.

I don’t like that I feel it and I really don’t like that look on my son’s face. He likes this woman and that makes her dangerous, because I’m already too preoccupied with her.

“It is. I’m really good at it and I usually get to pick the members on my team,” Ryan brags.

“Ryan get in the truck,” I tell him, my voice stern.

Immediately he turns toward me and I see the disappointment that fills him. I hate myself for it, even as I know it needs to be done. The smile disappears from his face too.

You’re a bastard, Diesel….

I say the words in my head and I’m pissed—pissed at myself, at Vicki, Violet and even at Rory.

“Okay, Dad.” Ryan says, hopping into the front seat of my truck. I help buckle him in his booster seat, then close the door.

“Noah?” Rory says and I swallow down the words that want to come out. I can’t show her any weaknesses.

“I thought we had an understanding, Cupcake.”

“What? I thought…”

“I told you, you can have me, but you stay away from my son. He’s not part of the deal. He’s completely off limits.”

I watch as she digests my words. I see the moment she takes them in and I can see when they lodge deep inside of her. Then, I watch as the color slowly seeps out of her face. It doesn’t give me joy to see her reaction. It doesn’t feel good, knowing that she could be hurt. I want to take the words back, but then I remember what my history with women has taught me and I say nothing.

“Got it,” she says and the words are spoken so quietly that I barely hear them.

“Good. I’ll be back in an hour if you want me to scratch that itch you’ve been having at night,” I tell her.

“I won’t be here,” she says. Her gaze jerks back around when Ryan calls from the truck—having rolled his window down.

“Bye, Rory!”

“Bye, sweetheart,” she whispers, and the color in her face is definitely slipping away.

I want to say more to her, to take back the harm that I’ve inflicted upon her.

“Later, Cupcake,” I tell her instead as I walk around my truck. I get in and Rory doesn’t answer. She looks up at me instead, and now her face is blank. Even as I worry I’ve hurt her too much, I have this voice inside of me that says she’s just playing a game trying to get to me.

I manage to not look at her until I’m heading down the road. In my rearview mirror, I see Rory still standing there and she seems surrounded in sadness so thick that I can almost physically see it.

I shake my head to clear it.

I will not feel sorry for her.

I will not let her suck me in.

Never again will another woman suck me in. There’s too much at stake.

Way too much.