Chapter Thirty-Two
Reagan
I was sitting in Dana’s café, talking to Dana about what had happened with Josh. She had been there for the outburst, so she knew how bad things were. Dana had called me that day and told me to come to the diner for something to eat. She knew that I had been at home alone. I’d told her that I hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone, but after not hearing from me, she told me that if I didn’t come to the diner she would come and get me herself.
“I’ve had the worst week,” I said. “I think I spent all week in bed. I have never spent so much time just trying to fall asleep. I tried calling him that first night but he made it clear that he didn’t want to hear from me. It was so strange not being in the office. I had been looking so forward to these last few days of the campaign. I can’t even begin to imagine what everyone there must think of me. They must hate me. He must hate me too. This whole thing is just such a mess.”
“But Reagan, you need to talk to him,” Dana insisted.
“But how? He doesn’t want to speak to me. And with the election coming up he’s got too much on his plate. Let’s face it, I ruined things with him. I’m just going to have to accept that there’s nothing I can do about it. I messed things up.”
“Okay, he’s upset, I can see that. And sure, maybe you should’ve told him about what you discovered and why you did it. He might’ve been upset but he would’ve understood once you explained it to him. You didn’t do anything malicious and you were only trying to stay ahead of the game. But now he thinks you were part of the opposition, working with the enemy. That’s so much worse. No wonder he doesn’t want to see you. No wonder he doesn’t want you on his team. And the longer you leave things the longer he’s going to think that about you. But it’s not even true. You can’t let him continue thinking this about you, Reagan. You need to tell him. Come on, I’ve never seen you as happy as you have been since meeting him. And let’s face it, you made him a better person. You turned him into this Josh that the world wanted to be around. You were good for him. He was good for you. Don’t let this all fall apart just because of one little mistake.”
I gulped. I missed Josh so much that it hurt. I had barely eaten a thing, and had spent most of my time just trying to sleep the days away. Dana was right. I was better with him.
“But he won’t pick up my calls,” I said. “And I assume he’s just deleting my messages. Although, I’ve also stopped sending them because I know he doesn’t want to hear from me.”
“Just because he says he doesn’t want to hear from you, doesn’t mean it’s true. Anyway, you don’t need to call him when you know where he works.”
“You think I should just go to his office?” I said.
“Of course I do. You know where he is and you want to talk to him, so you might as well just go there.”
“But . . .”
“Just go, Reagan. Make him listen to you. You need to do this.”
I sighed. Dana was right. I had to at least try. I needed him to know that I wasn’t a bad person and that I had simply made a mistake. But the thought of going to the office scared me. Dana came over to my side of the counter and gave me a huge hug.
“You haven’t done anything wrong. Go and explain yourself. Get him back.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Dana. I’m going to try.”
I made my way over to the office with a feeling of dread inside me. I hadn’t been in the office all week, and it felt strange to be there again. A place that had once felt like a second home to me now suddenly felt foreign. For a while I just stood outside, looking up at the tall building and forcing myself not to cry. Had I ruined everything just because of one stupid decision? Always trying to stay a few steps ahead of the game had always been my approach, but perhaps I had taken it too far. I took a deep breath and made my way inside.
It was late afternoon, almost evening, and I just hoped that Josh would be there. Otherwise I’d have to go and visit him at his house, and I was sure he wouldn’t take too kindly to that. As I made my way to the office, I saw a bunch of people leaving. They all turned to glare at me before leaving, and I felt my heart sink. I couldn’t blame them, though. Josh must’ve told them that I had double crossed them and that was why I was not in the office. I thought of running after them to explain what had happened but I stopped myself. The most important thing at the moment was to talk to Josh. Everyone else could wait. Hopefully, one day, I’d get the opportunity to explain myself to everyone too. But Josh was my number one priority. I was just grateful that Ralph was not there. I couldn’t bear to see the hurt I knew would be in his eyes. I was surprised that he hadn’t called me yet, but I guessed Josh had told him not to. I didn’t blame him. I had thought about calling him too, but I didn’t know what to say. I saw one more person in the corner who also glared at me, and I quickly made myself over to Josh’s office. His door was closed.
I knocked and breathed a sigh of relief when he told me to open the door. Gone were the days of that knock leading to silly banter between the two of us. There were no more jokes left, not even so much as a smile. I opened the door and stepped inside. When Josh looked up, he was clearly surprised to see me, and the look in his eyes was a mixture of sadness and anger.
“What are you doing here? I told you not to come to work,” he said.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve respected your wishes all week. But I really need to talk to you, Josh. I knew you wouldn’t answer if I called and I didn’t want to come to your house and disturb you. This was the only way. Please, Josh. Please hear me out. I need to talk to you. I want to clear the air.”
“I think it’s too late for that. I have nothing to say to you. Please leave.”
Instead of leaving I walked up to the door and closed it.
“What are you doing? If you think that something is going to happen between the two of us in this office again, then you’re mistaken. You might have fooled me once, but you’re not going to fool me again.”
“I . . .” I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t seem willing to talk to me, but I wasn’t ready to give up on him just yet. Seeing him face to face and just made me miss him even more.
“Please leave. The damage has been done. I still don’t know what it is you are planning, but I guess I’ll find out.”
“Josh, I’m so sorry about everything. I really am. But I honestly can explain it all, and after everything that we have been through, I think I have the right to tell you. Please, just hear me out.”
“I’m too busy today, Reagan. You do realize the election is right around the corner, don’t you? Of course you do. You know everything that is going on.” There was so much bitterness in his voice that it took me by surprise.
“Tomorrow, then?” I pleaded. I had no idea what a difference a day would make, but it was worth begging for. “Please. Just so that I can have a chance to explain myself. After that, if you never want to see me again for the rest of my life you can do so. But at least give me the chance. Please, I care so much for you Josh. I know you don’t believe me right now, but it’s true. If you care for me, even just a little, you’ll let me talk.”
Josh looked like he was going to refuse again, but finally, he seemed to cave in. He nodded, and I felt my heart soar with happiness. A chance was all I needed.
“How about dinner?” I said.
“Sure, but you’ve got one hour to tell me everything. I’m giving you one hour of my time. After everything that has happened, I don’t think you deserve any more. Now, if you don’t mind, Reagan, I really want you to leave.”
I nodded and quickly made my way out. One hour of his time wasn’t much, but it was hopefully enough for me to tell him everything that had been going on. One hour to change his opinion of me.