Chapter Thirteen
Valerie
I hadn’t said much on the ride home. In addition to being completely angry over what Dalilah had said to me and about us and the fact that Shawn had just stood there and took it, even though there was no way he actually thought that was true, caused me to not only be lost for words, but severely hurt.
I had said goodbye quickly to Zachary when we arrived at the house and went in after just a brief kiss. I hoped he understood that my sudden plummet in mood had nothing to do with him, but right now, I was even too upset to care what he felt.
He had done what I had hoped he would and that was to care for me, without engaging with either Shawn or Dalilah and so, I was actually very happy with him. I was just far too upset to show it.
I raced up to my room as soon as I got in the house, thankful that I didn’t have my mother standing there waiting for me again. I decided that the best thing to do was just to go to bed.
Another saving grace was that tomorrow was Saturday and therefore, I didn’t have to see anyone if I didn’t want to. I could sleep in, forget about what had happened and hopefully be good to take on another week by Monday.
However, when I went to plug in my phone, I saw a text message on it from Shawn. I thought that was strange and wanted to ignore it, but my curiosity got the best of me.
I opened the message, which read: I am so sorry. I don’t know what got into Dalilah. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do…I know it’s a lame excuse, but it’s the truth. I know this is random, but I want to talk to you. I miss you and I think that maybe we can work something out.
In that moment, I went from feeling like I was drowning in the changing currents of my life, to being able to see a light.
I knew that I was far from safe and my life was far from going back to what I would consider normal and had considered normal since kindergarten; but at least now, there was hope and that was really all I needed.
I texted back: Meet you tomorrow at noon. After all, I still wanted to sleep in as much as I could. If he was still anything like the Shawn I grew up with, he wouldn’t have to ask where.
When I woke up the next morning, I was happy to see that I had not received a text back from him. It made me feel as though, despite the craziness in our lives, I had not completely lost him. I was excited to get ready and meet him.
Still, I didn’t tell my mother where I was going. I was very aware that everything might not work out and so, I didn’t want to get both of our hopes up. I also knew that if I didn’t say anything, I wouldn’t have to explain myself when I got home.
I figured if things went really well, I might mention that I saw him and that we were trying to work things out, but that certainly wasn’t a guarantee.
When I got to the park around the corner from my mom’s old house, where Shawn and I had spent most of our afternoons during childhood, I continued to feel excited, but also nervous. I was scared of what might happen with the two of us and in a way, I didn’t want to go through with the conversation; I didn’t want it to end badly.
Still, I knew that if things really were going to work out, it would probably rank as one of the best days ever.
I was happy and encouraged to see that Shawn was already at the park when I arrived.
He walked up to me awkwardly, though, and smiled in a goofy way. “Hi. How are you?”
I smiled back at him and wanted to give him a hug, but I resisted. “I’m good…really happy that you texted me.”
“Yeah, I am so sorry about that…”
I shook my head. “No…Please…Don’t be. I know that had nothing to do with you. Not after the text you sent last night.” I looked at him seriously. “I know you aren’t really one for conflict.”
“Yeah…She’s crazy.” He cleared his throat. “Um…Speaking of conflict, I am also sorry about what happened the other day. I was just angry and confused.”
I thought about this before I answered, “Are you still? Angry and confused?”
He shrugged. “I’m not really sure. A little…” He paused before he turned back to me. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Anything.”
He stopped and clasped his hands together, and thought about what he was going to say. Even when he began to speak, he did so slowly. “Please just answer the question, okay? Don’t ask me about it. Just answer.”
“Sure. I promise.”
“After the other day…I didn’t hear from any of you. Not you, which I get, but also not your Mom.” Then he rolled his eyes before he added, “And I haven’t heard anything from my father since the day I moved out. So, are you guys…done with me?”
“What?” I asked genuinely outraged, “Not at all!” I almost asked who put that stupid idea in his head, but then stopped short, remembering my promise. I didn’t particularly like that he had made me promise, because I suspected that it had to do with Dalilah, but I also figured that was a conversation for a very different day. So, I just told him the truth. “We just wanted to give you your space, like you asked us too. Honestly.” Then, without meaning to, I reached out and grasped both of his hands in my own. “We love you! We want what’s best for you, but we also know that you need to find your own path. After what happened the other day, I wasn’t going to continue to bother you and you did hurt me, but that didn’t mean that you were not on my mind every second of the day.” I looked at him with genuine concern and I honestly felt that we were bonding. At least, I hoped so.
He smiled back, but in a sad manner. “Yeah, I am really sorry. I never meant for any of that and I feel stupid…” He sighed. “I did try to avoid you, but we just kept running into one another.”
I was pleased that he didn’t recoil his hand from mine, but was surprised when he turned his hands, so that we fit together securely. He gazed into my eyes and I knew that I was not mistaken. We were definitely having a moment. I was sure of it.
Our eyes locked and while the feeling of friendship was in the air, there was also another, more serious and probably problematic vibe coursing between us. Still, I was just happy for any emotion to be sparked again and so, I let it play out.
After a long moment of just sitting there, staring at one another, I heard words I had longed to hear for a very long time.
“I miss you…” he said earnestly, shifting closer to me.
I beamed with contentment. “I miss you too. You have no idea how much.”
We took in the moment silently for a little while longer, before he said, “You know, once upon a time, we were more than just friends.”
I smiled and nodded, knowing well the implications of where this conversation was headed, but just didn’t care. “I remember.”
His eyes widened at this and I felt his hands squeeze mine before he replied in a sincere tone, “I think…part of the reason I was so angry when our parents finally got married, was because I missed that too…and knew that it would be impossible…given the circumstances.”
It was about now that I came to my senses. I realized later, that it was only moments before I did something that I would likely regret.
I didn’t want to push him away, but I did want to set boundaries. “I know how you feel…” I then detached my hands from his grasp and said, “But unfortunately, you’re right. That is impossible.”
Before he could say or do anything that would change my mind, I added, “I’m sorry, Shawn. I want to be your best friend again. I miss you and I would give anything to have us back, but…” I shook my head, feeling panicked. “I’m just…sorry.”
Within a second, I found myself turning around and bolting in the other direction, afraid of what would have happened had I stayed even just another moment.