He asked, “Why?”
That’s the first word I’ve heard him say since that night. That’s all he gave me. One word.
No context about how he is feeling. Although I can tell, from the pain that is apparent on his face, the alcohol on his breath, and the brokenness of his body, I hurt him. More than I even thought I would.
I hurt Asher.
Ruined him.
Destroyed him.
And all he wants to know now is why.
I don’t have to tell him. In fact, I thought I never would. But I think the story needs to be told. He needs to understand why. Then, maybe all can be forgiven. Both of us can be forgiven.
* * *
One Year Earlier
I hear the door to my condo slam as my roommate and best friend in the whole wide world walks in.
“Did you pick up groceries?” I ask from my spot on the couch. I don’t know why I ask. I already know that she didn’t pick up any groceries.
“Oh, Sloane, I just met the most amazing man!” Danielle says, flopping onto the couch.
I sit up, panicked now. “What do you mean, met? Like, as a friend? You’re engaged, Danielle. You don’t meet new men.”
“Yeah, like a friend. Of course I didn’t mean, like a boyfriend. I’m engaged to the most amazing man. But this guy, I could talk to him for hours. He just gets me. You know? I think he might be gay, or I would hook him up with you.”
“I’m happily dating Wes,” I say.
“No, you’re boringly dating Wes. That guy is a complete bore. You need to find someone better. Hotter. This guy is hot. Did I tell you that?”
“No, but you shouldn’t be determining how hot other guys are. You are engaged to Wade. Wade should be the hottest guy in your world.”
Danielle rolls her eyes. “Of course Wade is the hottest guy in my world. But this guy, he’s dreamy. But, like I said, I’m pretty sure he’s gay.”
“How sure?”
She shrugs and then skips off to her bedroom across from mine.
“Danielle, it’s your turn to get groceries this week!” I shout from the couch.
But it’s too late. Danielle already has her music turned way up, and I know she won’t be coming back out for hours. I sigh and grab my keys to head to the grocery store. I really don’t understand why I even bother with a roommate.
I open the door and smile. Sitting on our doorstep are three boxes filled with groceries.
I laugh. Danielle might never do things the same way as me or any other normal person would, but at least she gets things done.
* * *
I open the door to my condo and start walking toward my bathroom. I’m exhausted, and I need a hot shower to help me relax.
The hall bathroom door opens, and I step back as my mouth falls open.
A naked man steps out. Well, naked, except for the tiny towel wrapped around his waist. When he sees me staring, he rips the towel off and throws it over his shoulder as he walks past me and to Danielle’s room. He gives me a little wink first and then disappears into her bedroom.
“Danielle!” I yell at the top of my lungs.
Danielle comes running out of her bedroom. “What’s going on? I didn’t leave the toaster on again, did I? I promise, I didn’t mean to.”
I sigh. Living with Danielle is like raising a little sister. “No, you didn’t almost burn down our condo again. No, you did something far worse than that,” I say, scowling at her.
“What?” she says, still not getting it.
“What is a half-naked man who isn’t your fiancé doing in our condo?”
“Oh. That’s Asher. He needed a place to shower after he was finished surfing. I let him come up here to use ours since we live so close to him.”
“Asher, the gay guy?”
“Technically, he’s not gay,” Danielle says, not meeting my eyes.
“What do you mean, technically? He either is or isn’t.”
“That’s not true. There are plenty of bi people in the world, you know.”
I frown. “Is he one of those people?”
“No.”
“Then, what is he doing in our condo?” I hiss.
“He’s a friend.”
“A friend you need to get rid of ASAP if you still want to get married next week.”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m still getting married next week. He’s just a good friend.”
“Get rid of him.”
Danielle huffs and then walks back into her room without saying another word to me. I doubt she talks to me for a few days. That’s her usual way of dealing with a fight. She doesn’t speak to me for days. She’s still very much a child. But I’m not ready to be a mother yet. Well, not to any more kids than I already am a makeshift mother to.
* * *
I sit down on my couch with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine. I have a chick flick ready to go. I just got back from Danielle’s rehearsal dinner, and I just want to sit here and relax before the chaos of tomorrow starts.
And I remind myself that it is okay that I’m not even close to getting married. Wes is nice, but he’s not the kind of guy I want to marry. Even he knows that.
Danielle bursts through the door just as I’m about to press play on the video.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were staying in a suite at the hotel tonight.”
“I was,” she says through sobs.
I put the bowl of popcorn down as I look up at Danielle, who is soaking wet and sobbing.
“Sweetie, what is wrong?” I ask, getting up and running over to her. “Did Wade do something? Is there something wrong with the wedding? What’s wrong?”
She shakes her head and walks over to the couch. I sit next to her, and she collapses into my lap. My arms automatically go around her.
“Whatever it is, I’m sure things will be better in the morning.”
“No, they won’t.”
“Talk to me then. Tell me what is going on.”
“I slept with him.”
“Who?”
“Asher. And then he dumped me after.”
“What do you mean? What about Wade?”
“I broke up with him before I slept with Asher. The wedding is off. There is no way he will take me back now.”
My head is spinning, trying to understand what the hell just happened.
“I’ve ruined everything.”
“Shh.” I rub her back as she cries. “It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. You still have me. You have your family, your job, your friends. We will figure this out. Together. And then everything will be better.”
* * *
“Danielle, you have to get out of bed today. I want you to come to work with me today. I think seeing the kids will do you a lot of good.”
“No. I’m staying in bed.”
“Honey, it’s been a month. I know it’s hard, but you can’t stay in this bed forever. You have to get out and join the real world again.”
“No.”
“I’ll take you to your favorite restaurant for lunch, and then tonight, we can drink wine and watch movies all night long. That will be fun, right?” I say, trying to use bribes to get her out of bed.
“No.”
I frown, and then I get desperate. I grab her ankles and start pulling her out of bed. She fights me the whole time, grabbing hold of her headboard to stay in bed.
“God, you’re freakishly strong.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m not up for seeing people who know what I did.”
“No one at my work knows what happened. They don’t know you or your story. And the kids sure as hell don’t. Just come with me. I could use a friend today.”
“What do you need a friend for? You have a perfect life that could never fuck you over. Your perfect job with your perfect boyfriend and your perfect body and perfect money.”
“Wes and I split up.”
She sits up just a little. “Good. That will just make room for a more perfect boyfriend to come in and replace him.”
“Come on, Danielle. I could really use a friend today. I need you.”
She throws the covers over her head. “You have plenty of friends. I can’t help you.”
* * *
Two months later, Danielle finally made an appearance. She got out of bed, got dressed, and walked right out of the condo without even saying a word to me.
I couldn’t help but smile from seeing her out of bed.
And then, two days later, the same. And then the next day and the next until she was getting out of bed more days than she was staying in it.
I thought she was doing better. I thought she’d finally decided one day that the men in her life were no longer the most important things. I thought she was choosing living.
I didn’t realize that she was still depressed. And that, when she started leaving, it was actually the most dangerous part of her healing.
“Hey, Danielle. I need to borrow that pink lace shirt that you said didn’t fit you anymore!” I yell through her bedroom door.
She doesn’t answer.
I knock. “Danielle?”
She doesn’t answer.
I smile when I look down at my watch. I’m running a bit late today. Danielle must have gone into work early. She works at a marketing company.
I push the door open to just grab the shirt I need myself. We are always borrowing each other’s clothes and never care when the other borrows something without asking first.
I scream when I see her and then immediately gather my composure to run over to her. A needle is sticking out of her arm as she lies in her bed.
“Danielle,” I say, gently tapping her face.
She doesn’t move, but I do see her chest rise and fall. She’s still breathing—for now.
“Come on, Danielle! Wake up!”
She moans softly as I tap her face harder, but she doesn’t wake up. I grab my phone and dial 911. I don’t know what else to do. The operator gives me some instructions to try and wake her up. But, most importantly, I just need to make sure she is still breathing when the paramedics arrive.
I hold her head in my lap as I wait.
“I’m so sorry, Danielle. I’m so, so sorry.” I pat her hair.
She looks so peaceful, lying in my arms like this, but I know she is anything but at peace.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t realize what was going on. I should have known after this happened before. I’m an idiot. Just please don’t die, and I’ll be here for you. I’ll make this better. I promise.”
* * *
I place my hand on Danielle’s tombstone and then fold my legs as I take a seat in front of it.
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep my promise. I couldn’t save you. I thought I could. I thought that, once you healed and went to rehab, they would be able to help you. They couldn’t. I thought our friendship would be enough to save you. It wasn’t.”
I let the tears fall down my face.
“I thought that a lot of love could save you, but it couldn’t.”
I cry for a long time, just sitting there with her. I don’t know if I will ever get over her death. It was so senseless. It was all because a stranger came into her life and played games with her heart. The coroner’s report said that she died because of an overdose. That’s not true. She died from a broken heart that was never able to heal.
“Sloane?” I hear Wes behind me.
I stand up and wipe my tears.
“I was in town and thought I would come see how you were doing. Not well, huh?”
I shake my head.
“I’m so sorry about your friend.”
“Thank you.”
“I wish there were something I could do to help you. I could go kick that guy’s ass if you want.”
I smile and then cock my head to the side, looking at Wes. “Maybe there is something you can do to help me.”
“What do you mean?”
“You can propose.”
He frowns. “I care about you, Sloane, and I would do anything for you, but I don’t think you and I getting married is going to fix anything. You and I don’t work as a couple.”
I shake my head. “I mean, to help me get revenge. Propose. Pretend we are getting married. Let the asshole steal me from you. And then I’ll rip out his heart, like he did to Danielle.”
“But, to do that, he would have to want to steal you.”
“He will. I know how his game works. I’ll just dangle myself in front of him, and then he’ll try to steal me.”
“But won’t you hurt your family when you don’t marry me?”
I shake my head. “The only person that is left to hurt is my grandmother. I’ll tell her the truth.”
He nods, still thinking. “This is a lot of work for something that might not work out the way you planned.”
I nod. “I have to do it. For Danielle.”
He nods, still thinking. “He has to fall in love with you to make this work.”
“He will.”
I look at Wes in the eyes, and I know he’s still in love with me. Making men fall in love with me is never the problem. I always have the problem of falling in love with the man.
Wes nods, obviously agreeing that he will fall in love with me. “You can’t fall in love with him.”
I laugh. “I won’t.”