Chapter Ten
Lilly
She was enjoying a cup of steaming-hot green tea in an old mug she’d found in one of the cupboards when someone came clomping up the back steps to disturb her silence. Clutching the porcelain cup in both hands, she inhaled the soothing aroma. It was likely she was going to need the extra boost. Torran opened the door to the enclosed porch, letting all the heat out. Then he just stood there looking at her.
Letting even more heat out.
Yeah, she definitely needed the de-stresser. Before she said anything she inhaled again deeply, letting the steam clear her system some.
Torran quietly cleared his throat.
“What do you want?” she asked, more irritated about the heat than anything.
“Can we talk?”
“Whatever, just shut the damn door. You’re letting the heat out.”
Torran hurried inside as he clued in to what he was doing, shutting the door behind him. Then he just sort of awkwardly stood and waited. Lilly didn’t say anything, letting him stew in silence. It wasn’t not like he didn’t deserve it. Just to taunt him some more she leaned back in the chair and gently caressed her stomach, a clear reminder to him that she was pregnant, something apparently men could no longer deal with.
“Can you feel it yet?”
Her hand stopped its motions at the soft-spoken question.
“What?”
“The baby. Can you feel it yet? You’re rubbing your stomach like you can tell that it’s in there.”
Caught off guard by his question, she took her time in responding. “I don’t feel it moving. That usually takes another few months, so I’ve been told. But I can tell that there’s something growing in me.” She looked away. “It’s tough to explain really, but I know.”
Torran smiled. “I know a thing or two about knowing something without being able to explain it in a way that would make sense.”
She sensed the comment was directed her way, but couldn’t figure out how. Eventually she gave up. Who cared? “Why are you here?” she asked. “To freak out about me being pregnant again? Because I’ve dealt with my share of that, thank you very much.”
Torran flinched, and for a moment Lilly felt bad. She hadn’t meant to unload on him so much, but his reaction had hurt. It had been so unexpected after all the care and support he’d shown her the days before. Like a betrayal that one never saw coming.
“I deserve that.”
“You’re damn right you do,” she snapped. He made to reply but she held up a hand to stop him. Eyes closed, she breathed in, held it for a moment, and then exhaled. As she breathed out Lilly imagined the stress and the irritation leaving her body. She didn’t need it. Her child didn’t need it.
Whether Torran deserved it or not, if she used that as reason to be a bitch to him, then she was really no better than he, was she?
“I’m sorry, Lilly. For whatever that’s worth.” Torran stepped inside, then paused. He looked at a chair near her, but didn’t make a further move for it. “May I?” he asked instead.
“Yeah, sit.” She clasped the mug in both hands, enjoying the warmth it pulsed slowly through her fingers.
Warmth like she felt anytime she touched Torran.
“I can’t excuse my reaction,” he said, sitting gently into the woven wicker patio chair. The light gray weave creaked under his bulk as he stretched out in it. “It happened, I did it, end of story. There’s no forgetting it. Instead all I can ask is to have a chance to move forward from it.”
Lilly gave him a soft, sad smile. “You don’t need to hang around me if you don’t want to. If you have that much of an issue with children, I’m not going to subject you to that.”
Torran shook his head fiercely. “It has nothing to do with that. Please, as hard as it may be, trust me when I say that I love children. I’ve always been the odd one out among my friends, because I want a big family, more kids than the norm. It’s just…” he buried his head in his hands. “Ugh, I don’t know.”
“You aren’t so good with emotional situations, are you?”
He looked up. “I am. It’s you that I’m no good with. You mess with my head, Lilly. You make me want to do things I’ve never done. I care about you more than I—” He stopped dead. “I’m sorry. I’m doing it again. We’re supposed to be friends.”
She eyed him carefully. “Are you going to be able to manage that?”
“I don’t know,” he answered. “I promise you I am going to try, but…there are things you don’t know yet, and I…” he shook his head again. “I will try.”
“You are an interesting man, Torran. A very interesting man.”
“I’m an idiot, you mean,” he said, flashing her a smile.
Though it was meant to be a self-deprecating look, she couldn’t help her heart from turning into a gymnast when he looked at her that way. His smile always had that effect on her. Some days it turned her body into putty, other days she felt lightheaded. It was never quite the same, and yet it was exactly the same all at once. He had power over her, and that scared her, which is why she wanted to remain just friends.
“I don’t know if we can just go back to how it was,” she told him. Immediately she regretted the way she said that. It made it sound like they were more than friends. That’
“Then let’s not go back. How about we just go forward from here?”
“I can do that.”
They sat in silence for a few moments. Lilly sipped on her tea. Torran stared out the window. Neither of them spoke, oddly comfortable in each other’s presence, not feeling the need for words. It should have scared her, but it didn’t. It just felt too right to be scared by anything to do with him.
“Can you tell me about what happened?”
Lilly finished her tea while she thought about it. “With Damien?”
“Yes.”
She glanced over at him. His answer had sounded forced, and even now she saw his jaw clenching. “Will you be okay if I talk about it? You seem to have a bit of an issue with him.”
Torran nodded. “I will be okay. My issue is with how he has treated you. I…I feel an urge to protect you, Lilly.”
“Hadn’t noticed,” she teased, trying to lighten the mood. “But okay, you asked for it.”
She thought back to the beginning. “We dated for two years before he proposed. Everything seemed fine then. He worked and had his little motorcycle club on the side. But not long after I said yes, it began to change. It was slow, and I was too excited about getting married to really notice.”
“He grew controlling.”
“Yeah.” She grimaced. “Looking back it’s so obvious, I can’t believe I was so blind!”
Torran reached out and laid his hand on top of hers for a moment. He held it there just long enough for her fingers to begin tingling from touching him, then he withdrew. Lilly stared at her hand. Every time he touched her it seemed her body reacted to him in some new way.
“You don’t need to beat yourself up over it,” he said. “You had no reason to suspect what would happen. This is called trust, and why it’s so hard to believe in someone after.”
“Yes. Yes, that’s true.” She bit her lip. It was true unless your name was Torran. Then somehow she could trust with ease. That was another thing that scared her. She trusted him so easily, and completely. It would be a trivial thing for him to abuse that trust like Damien had.
“Most people aren’t like that,” Torran explained. “Most of them are decent. Few are on his level.”
“I hope so. It grew worse over time. I remember I went out with some friends to celebrate one of their birthdays and he didn’t take it well when he saw what I was wearing.”
Torran’s chair splintered as his hand crushed the armrest.
“He screamed at me. Said I looked like a whore.” She snorted. “I was wearing a shirt and jeans. But because it showed some cleavage, and not a lot mind you, I was suddenly this huge slut who slept with everyone. At first I thought maybe I’d done something wrong. That I really was at fault. So I changed how I dressed for him. But it only got worse. Once he found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t allowed to go outside without checking in with him.”
She looked down, ashamed of herself, embarrassed of her own weakness. “I should have left then. Why did I stay? I don’t understand. What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing,” Torran said fiercely. “This was the man you had agreed to marry. You probably assumed he was stressed with work, that it would pass in time. You found ways to justify it because you remembered who he was.”
“Yes. That’s exactly what happened.” She laughed, a mocking sound directed at herself. “Of course, I didn’t know he’d quit his job and changed motorcycle clubs. Now he was making his money doing illegal things.”
“What was the final straw then?” Torran pressed, pushing her on with her story.
“He threatened the child. Not directly, he was just screaming at me one day when he said he didn’t want to ‘pay no child support for no bastard child that ain’t even mine,’” she said, mocking his voice. “As if I were the type to sleep around when I made a commitment. Christ, I had a fucking rock on my finger.”
Lilly clamped her mouth shut at the uncharacteristic vitriol pouring forth. “Anyway, that’s when I knew I had to get out. So I tried, but he caught me and took away my phone. So I waited a week, playing the meek, obedient woman, doing whatever he wanted and needed, so that he’d think I was properly chastised. I only screwed up once,” she muttered, thinking of the bruise on her arm that was finally healing.
“So when he left you found your phone and called Sandy for help.”
“Yeah. Then you and Palin showed up, and you know the rest of the story from there.”
Torran nodded slowly. “You are a brave woman, Lilly. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. What you did took guts. Real guts.”
“Thanks.” She leaned back in the chair, resting her head on the top. “I still don’t know where to go from here. He knows where I live now, Torran. I feel like I should leave.”
The big man rose to his feet and faced her.
“You have nothing to fear while you live here, Lilly Jordan. I will not let any harm come to you.”
She smiled. “Thank you, Torran. But I can’t have you protect me forever. I need to find a way to end this.”
“I suspect the only way this will be over is when he’s dead.”
Or me.