Chapter 19
Billie
I didn’t mean to do it, but I wanted to see the movie times. Carter and I are planning on going to a movie tomorrow, and I get to pick, so I opened his laptop.
And instead of searching for the theater in the computer, I typed in his name. I don’t know why. Probably because I know he’s keeping something from me.
I was right.
Carter Cane was visibly distraught at the funeral of his girlfriend, model and actress Zoe Sanders. The two had been dating for three years when she died in a tragic car accident where Mr. Cane was the driver.
“Oh, my Lord.” I click on the next link that takes me to a news report.
“They just flew off the cliff. It was awful.”
“Those are the words from a man who saw the entire tragedy unfold before his very eyes. Witness Brody West describes the scene of a horrific accident that took place earlier today just off the coast.”
The scene leaves the newsroom and goes to a beach where you see a taped off cliff in the background. “I didn’t know what everyone was screaming for, but when I saw Carter and Zoe walking down the beach, I ran with everyone else. But then a bunch of paparazzi followed them, and they started running to a car.”
“Can you describe what you saw after that?”
“Speeding. They were going really fast and like five or six cars chased after them.”
“Oh, God.” I go back to another article.
In what can only be described as a tragic accident, a Hollywood love story comes to an end today as Zoe Sanders is pronounced dead. Her longtime boyfriend, currently ranked as one of the top three surfers in the world, is in the hospital with a broken tibia as he was pinned in the car. He sustained no other injuries. It was reported that the paparazzi got too close and ran into the back of their vehicle, sending them careening off the cliff. A representative from Ms. Sander’s security agency confirms this information. Mr. Cane was not speeding, and it’s suspected that as a native, he was aware how dangerous the turns were. The man who hit their vehicle has been detained by police.
Initial reports confirm Zoe was conscious briefly after she was thrown from the vehicle, but a branch punctured her lung, and she tragically passed away before the paramedics could reach her.”
I jump out of the seat, completely shocked and almost angry. No, I am angry. I’m pissed. How could he not tell me that? That is… it’s a huge part of who he is. And it reminds me who he really is and how goddamned out of my league he is. He’s practically a celebrity, and he’s with trailer trash like me.
But more than that, he doesn’t trust me. If he did, he would have told me this. If he was able to rely on me, he’d have opened up about this when I asked him. But he hasn’t, and he’s actually gone out of his way to avoid it, so what does that tell me?
It tells me he doesn’t trust me. Doesn’t think I’m strong enough to shoulder the burden he’s been carrying around for years.
After leaving a snarky message on a sticky note, I tape it to the laptop screen and grab my keys, not bothering to take my cell or purse, and leave. I need air, I need to think, and apparently, the one place he won’t go is to the beach, so that’s exactly where I head.
Carter
“Hey, I stopped and got some mahimahi,” I call into our apartment as I close the door behind me. My laptop is open on the kitchen table, and a yellow piece of paper is stuck to it. When I set the bags down, it shakes the table enough to wake up the computer. What I see on the screen makes me sick. I rip the paper off.
Guess I know where to go when I want some alone time.
“Billie!” I rush around the apartment, calling for her. “No. No, shit.” I run across the hall and bang on the door. Before Sally even has it open all the way, I push through. “Is she here?”
“What?”
“Billie. Is she here?”
Sally follows me as I walk around the house, tearing it apart looking for my girl. God, no. She can’t leave me.
“Where is she?”
“I don’t know. Is she okay?”
“I think so. But I’m not. God, I won’t be okay if she leaves me. She knows now. She knows, and she’s gonna leave me.”
I rush out, but Sally calls my name. “She’s not gonna leave you, Carter. She loves you. All she wants to be is what you are to her. Let her.”
Without responding to her, I rush back to my Jeep and tear across town. The GPS tracker I have on my WRX that she’s been driving tells me exactly where she is. I jump out before it’s fully in park and run down the steps. The moment my feet hit the sand, they sink, and I can’t move. The flight or fight kicks in, and I do neither… I freeze.
Kids run by me, throwing a ball, and a couple holding hands stops in front of a tree to take a photo. My head spins as I take it all in. The smell of the fresh sun-kissed air, the taste of the specks of salt drifting from the water, the sound of the waves crashing.
The screaming.
The blood.
Begging.
I clear my head, shaking it until the images are gone, then lift one foot and set it in front of the other. Then I do it again. And again. When I get closer, I scan the area.
It’s not crazy crowded, but there are enough people that I can’t find her right away. I walk even closer to the water, the sand getting darker, and panic seizes me as I spot her in the water.
Of all the fucking beaches she picked, she had to choose the one where there are no fucking lifeguards. She’s too far out. The waves are small swells, but that’s all it takes. I grew up in the water and know how quickly someone who isn’t experienced can drown. And without another thought, I do it. After six years, I finally fucking do it. Reaching the shoreline, I rip my shirt over my head and kick my sandals off, then rush into the ocean.
The water burns, even though it’s cool, and I try to scream for her, but nothing comes out. I could drink the ocean dry, and it still wouldn’t be enough to make the dryness in my mouth disappear.
She’s so far away. Too far… dangerously far away.
I dive beneath the crests and have to come back up almost immediately. Large gasping breaths of air crackle in my lungs, but I push on.
It’s been years since I’ve stepped foot in the water, let alone swam in it.
The farther out I get, the darker the water becomes, but the clearer her face gets. “Billie.” I barely push the single word past my lips, and she doesn’t move. The stupid raft continues to gently rock in the waves, and I push myself beyond anything I’ve ever felt.
Not only am I physically exhausted because I haven’t been in the water in so long, but my chest feels like it’s going to explode. “Billie!” I call her again as I get closer, and finally reach out and grab her raft.
She yanks the earbuds out and whips her head over. “What the hell, man?”
“Shit.” I drop my arm and my head, panting as I catch my breath.
“Dude, what the fuck?”
The woman, who is not Billie, snaps at me.
“I thought you were someone else.”
“Wait…” She lifts up her sunglasses. “Are you Carter Cane?”
Water drips down my face, and I swipe it off, then slick my hair back with my hands. “Yeah.”
“Holy shit, man. I used to have your poster in my room. My brother became a surfer because of you. I thought you didn’t surf anymore.”
“I don’t.”
“Then what are you doing out here?”
I don’t even acknowledge that as I start to turn around. “You shouldn’t be out this far.”
“I’m good.” Spoken like a true native.
I slowly make my way back, letting the water absorb into my skin and the horrific truths of that day sink in. When I get close enough to shore and can stand, I close my eyes and pray it was just a dream… a fucking nightmare.
The sound of the waves, the birds, the laughter—they drown out everything else. I tilt my head up, the bright rays of the sun penetrating my closed lids.
Water gently splashes around me, and a soft hand touches my back, a touch I’d recognize anywhere. “Carter. What are you doing here?”
I yank her to me so hard her body jerks. “You can’t leave me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you can’t leave me.”
She shoves me back a step. “Thanks for having faith in me, Carter. Real nice knowing you think that highly of me.”
“She told me to speed up, but I knew the turn was sharp, so I didn’t. They did though and hit us,” I tell Billie, no longer able to keep her in the dark. “It was my fault, and I couldn’t save her.”
“Carter—”
“You saw the articles. I know you did.”
Billie’s hand slides around me, and she rests her head on my chest. “I did. And I’m so sorry. But there was nothing else you could have done.”
“My fucking leg got pinned when the front of the car got crushed from impact. I was stuck, but she flew out because she didn’t have her fucking seat belt on. I didn’t notice because we left the beach in such a rush. She flew out, but not far enough that I couldn’t hear her. I could see her, too. She was looking right at me. Begging me to help her. I watched her die. I watched the blood drain the life right out of her, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do. God.”
“Oh Carter, it’s not your fault.”
“It is. All of it.”
She kisses right above my heart. “It was an accident.”
“There are so many things I could have done differently.”
The ache beneath my ribs is not from my exertion. It twists and pulls, making it hard to breathe as I relive the absolute worst day of my life.
I should have waited for more security to come, I could have driven slower, I didn’t check to see if her belt was on. When we went to the beach that day, I should have rented a cabana so we would have stayed hidden.
Over and over. I played the scenarios in my head for so long.
But I’m finally realizing that maybe it wasn’t all my fault.
Billie turns her face and rests it on my chest, then just lets me hold her even though I don’t deserve to. Since I proved incapable of keeping my girlfriend safe six years ago, I haven’t deserved much of anything.
“So after I recovered and went through physical therapy, I switched my focus and trained in boxing, then jujitsu, which is where I met Gio. One thing led to another, and I figured what better job for me than one where I keep busy saving people. Figured the least I could do is protect people to make up for not being able to protect Zoe. Risk my life to save someone else’s.
“I couldn’t get a release from the orthopedic surgeon that my leg was back to a hundred percent, so I couldn’t join the military.
“I wanted to do something where I put myself on the line for someone else. I needed to make it up somehow. Take a bullet for someone else. I knew myself enough, though, to know I could never do a forty hour a week gig, and since she was famous, there was security at her goddamned funeral. That was where I met Erik.
“And I never went back to surfing after that. I can’t. I will never be the same, and I refuse to allow myself to do the one thing I love because it’s at the very least a deserved punishment. She’s lost her life because of me, so I had to lose something, too.”
She just listens. And by her doing that, it’s like… she just makes it better. Easier.
“I know I don’t deserve—”
She puts a finger to my lips. “You are an amazing man, Carter. You deserve to be happy. God, what happened… that’s terrible.”
“It is. Fucking paparazzi.”
“You surfed. People die surfing. She walked across the street. People die walking across the street. Life sucks sometimes, and tragic things happen, but that doesn’t mean you need to blame yourself for the rest of your life. It was an accident. And I bet if she was alive, she’d be telling you the same thing.”
She’s probably right. Zoe was a free spirit. A lot like me… or the me I used to be. And with Billie, I’m starting to feel like that man again.
“I can’t believe I’m standing here.”
“When I saw you at the market, I thought you were a surfer right away. I didn’t notice outside the restaurant the first time we ran into each other, but in the sun, you totally look like a surfer.”
I rub my hands up and down her arms. “I lived for it. And I miss it.”
“Why don’t you do it again?”
“I don’t think I can.”
“Why?”
A rush of air exits my lungs. “I’ve told myself I don’t deserve to do the one thing I loved the most for so long that the thought of doing it seems like a betrayal to myself. Like I’d be taking the easy way out or some shit… I don’t know.”
“Just promise me you’ll think about it.”
“Promise. I’ll think about it, but honestly, I don’t know how I’d feel if I get up and I’m not able to do the same stuff as I did before. I mean, I know I won’t be able to, but it might make me feel worse. Like, even more like shit.”
She sighs. “Even if you’re not as good, you don’t have to be the best to enjoy it. You can still love it without living it.”
Damn, she’s right. And truthfully, the whole surfing thing just fell into my lap because I was naturally good at it. I did it for fun, then it turned into something huge. And the bigger I got, the harder it was to just ride sometimes. There were days when it wasn’t as fun as it used to be, and I hated that part of it.
“I’m sorry I left a snotty note on your computer. I don’t know what came over me, but when I went to look at the movies, I just typed your name in instead.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Zoe earlier.”
“Let’s go home.” She tilts her head up.
“No.” I bend down and press my lips to hers, not only wanting but needing to feel that connection with her. To reassure myself that I haven’t lost her, too. “You wanted to see the ocean, and I… if I’m going to move past everything, I want you to be with me. You shouldn’t have to come here alone. You shouldn’t do anything alone because you have me. I—”
“I understand,” she interrupts me. “We all have baggage, right? You told me that. And you unloaded mine and carried it for me. Let me do the same for you. I want to be able to take that load off and help you realize you don’t need to have it weighing you down anymore.”
I shake my head, refusing to let this go any further. “That’s not your part in this, honey. I lift the heavy stuff. You’re so light you float. That’s how this works.”
“Then this isn’t going to work.”
I instinctually hold her tighter, thinking she wants to leave.
“I never thought that I could be happy with a man, Carter. I didn’t even have it on my radar, and then you came along.” She smiles. “And made me see how much I was missing out on. Do you know before my world was tainted, I used to dream of having a wonderful life? And you made me realize I could have that again. With you. Together. But part of that is being half of a whole, not a piece of it.”
“You’re not just a piece.” I laugh at the double meaning, and she rolls her eyes. “You’re the glue that holds them together. Without you… Billie, without you, I was drowning. I kept getting pulled under, and you came along and then lifted me out of the depths I was dying in. Being with you makes me feel like I’m finally above water again, like I’m the one floating… I’m finally at the one place aside from you that makes me the happiest I can ever be.”