It’s been almost a week since my baby shower. A week of waiting and preparing, but mainly just wishing this baby would hurry up and arrive already. There’s only so much longer I can waddle around like a penguin, try not to fall asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night, and wonder what my ankles used to look like.
Seb sent me a text earlier this afternoon while he was at work to ask me if I was up for watching Supernatural tonight with some takeout. Dumb question really, seeing as I’m not really doing a whole lot these days aside from washing and organizing baby clothes, reading, and peeing every five minutes.
So here we are, halfway through the first episode of season five, which should be keeping my full attention, what with Lucifer on the loose and all, but not even Jensen Ackles can compete with the tension I’m feeling between me and Seb. I can feel the heat of his arm that’s not even touching me but draped behind me on the couch where we’re sitting. As if he can hear my troubled thoughts, I feel his eyes shift from the TV and fall on me.
“You okay?” he asks.
I want to smack myself. I’m about to have a baby, for Christ’s sake. Another man’s baby. These confusing thoughts are driving me mad. But this, whatever this is between us, is fucking with my raging libido.
I try to wipe the thoughts from my face as I turn to look at him and nod. My mouth all of a sudden going dry at the heat in his dark gaze. I watch those amazing lashes lower as his eyes hood. His next words shock the shit right out of me. “You’re so damn beautiful. Sometimes, I can feel the air getting trapped in my lungs when you look at me.”
Oh. I don’t reply. Instead, I lower my gaze to those lips of his as I unconsciously lick my own.
He sucks in an audible breath. “Don’t do that, Liv.”
“What?” I breathe still staring at his mouth while wondering when and how our heads got so much closer together.
“If you keep staring at me like that, I’m going to do something you might not want me to do, not when you’re not ready yet.”
“And if I do?” I swallow, hard. “Want you to, I mean. Would that be so bad?”
He curses under his breath, and I’m about to haul my ass up off the couch to hide out in the bathroom until he leaves, but then his hand is cupping the side of my face as he erases the small bit of distance left between us.
I swear time freezes as his lips softly graze mine. My heart is pounding so loud it’s ringing in my ears. “Just as soft as I thought,” he murmurs against them. I move forward a little to wrap my hand around his neck and bring him even closer. Just as I tilt my head and part my lips to deepen the kiss, it happens …
My stomach tightens, sending a shockwave from head to toe that has my hand flying straight to my belly. I jolt forward, causing me to butt heads with Seb. Romantic or what?
“Shit, I’m so sorry, Liv. You okay?” Of course, Seb would apologize for something he didn’t do.
“That was all me. I’m fine.” But that pain. What the hell was that all about? Probably the universe telling me not to start something I don’t know if I can finish.
“You sure?” he whispers as he lightly brushes his fingers over my cheek.
“I just had a really sharp pain. My stomach went tight, and I felt kind of dizzy even though I’m sitting down.”
He smirks. “That sounds suspiciously like a contraction. Looks like it’s eviction day,” he says without an ounce of concern in his voice. He is a paramedic, after all; he probably deals with the likes of me on a weekly basis.
I look up into his eyes with what I’m sure is a panicked look written all over my face. “Holy shit.”
His smirk turns into a full-blown grin before he tucks some hair behind my ear. “You’ll be okay. Sit tight, and I’ll grab you a drink.” I stare at the wall blankly as he stands and leaves the room. I can’t believe this is happening right now. All these months of waiting and it’s finally time.
“Here.” He holds a large glass of water in front of me and watches as I take a sip. “No, the whole thing.”
I frown, but do as I’m told. I hand the glass back to him as the tightening starts back up again. I hunch forward and wrap my arms around my stomach as the oxygen is stolen from my lungs from the increasing pressure.
He sits beside me and rubs my back as I refocus on my surroundings. “You doing okay?” I nod, inhaling deeply a few times.
“Man, that hurts.” Glancing at his face, I find him frowning at me once more.
“What?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “That just seemed a little too close behind the last one for my liking.” He scratches his head for a beat. “Is your stuff ready?”
“Oh,” I respond. “Uh, yeah. It’s in the nursery. I should probably grab it; I feel like moving anyway.” He nods, standing again, before holding his hands out to help me.
With a gentle tug of my hands, I’m standing with two feet firmly planted on the ground. I rub my head, wondering what to do next.
“Who do I need to call?” he asks as another wave hits. I reach for my belly again and lean forward, waiting until the contraction is over to answer him. I look up to find him right in front of me, a worried look now taking up residence on his face.
“Sorry. I’m okay. Ummm.” I pause and try to think. “You need to call Dr. Hollis and ask her to meet us at the hospital, and Millie, she’s …” I look down at my stomach. “She’s the only person I’ve got.” My voice cracks as I hold my belly. Seb places his hands on my shoulders, silently telling me that he understands what I mean.
“It’s okay. We’re here for you, Liv. I’ll go make some calls if you’re okay for a minute?” I nod, so he lets go and walks toward the front door, opening it to let the cold night air drift into the house. I welcome the chill as it drifts over my flushed skin.
I see him through the front window, pacing along the porch as he makes his first call. Not wanting to waste any time, I head to the baby’s room to grab the bag I have prepared for my hospital stay. Grabbing it from the dresser, I stare at the empty crib Seb assembled. I take one last glance at the changing table that Millie had surprised me with. Then, one last look at the photo of Zeke that sits on the baby’s dresser. I honestly don’t know what possessed me to put it there after Christmas with Linda. Maybe it’s so the baby knows who his or her father is. I know what it’s like not knowing a thing about the man who gave me life. It’s not like he deserves it, but our baby has a right to know about him even if he doesn’t want to be a part of our lives.
I place the bag down on the floor and pick up the frame. As I run my fingers along the glass, a pang of guilt hits me and doubt sets in. Did I do enough to get him to come back? Did I try hard enough? I stop myself from questioning anything else. What-ifs will get me nowhere. And remembering what almost happened just minutes ago has me placing the frame back, face down on the dresser as conflicting thoughts plague my mind.
Realizing that Seb is standing in the doorway, not interrupting my moment, I give him a shaky smile. “I think I’m ready to go. Did you get a hold of them?”
“Yeah, I did. Millie is working, so she’ll be waiting there for us. Dr. Hollis will hopefully be there by the time we get there.” He sighs audibly. “You sure you have everything?”
“It’s all in my bag. I just need to grab my phone and charger.”
“I’ll grab them; you head out to my truck. Your coat’s near the door; it’s cold out.” He grabs the bag from the floor where I dropped it and makes his way back out to the living room to get my charger.
“Thanks,” I mumble, not knowing if he heard me or even what he might be feeling about the moment he just witnessed. Another contraction halts my thoughts. Breathing deeply, I work my way through it as Seb gathers my things. This one is over before I know it. I walk out of the room, closing the door behind me.
Wrapping myself in my oversized coat, I make my way out to Seb’s truck, the engine already running with the heat cranked up. He’s always so thoughtful. A minute later, he joins me in the cab of the truck, and we fasten our seat belts as he glances over at me.
“No time like the present, Liv. You can do this.”
I try for a smile, knowing it probably looks as forced as it feels.
During the drive to the hospital, I only had two contractions, but damn, I swear we hit every pothole in the road. Hitting them was like having mini contractions, much like the bad Braxton Hicks that I’ve been getting for the past few weeks. The trip was quiet; I think Seb wanted to leave me to my own thoughts. It’s like he knows this is going to be extremely hard on me, physically and emotionally, and that has me wondering how all this could be affecting him.
After checking in and being shown to my room, Seb is nowhere to be seen. I understand, I do. I don’t know what I even expected, really. He doesn’t need to be here, and I’m sure he has plenty of other things to do right now rather than wait around for me to have a baby.
Millie bounds through the door with a giant grin on her face. “Liv, it’s happening. It’s really freakin’ happening. We’re having a baby!” Her excitement is palpable.
“Hold that thought, Mil.” I grunt out as another contraction reverberates throughout my body. Breathing deeply, I try to allow a sense of calm to wash over me as the pain fades and seems to dissipate into thin air around me.
“Why are you so excited about me being in pain for possibly the next twenty-four hours?” I slump back onto the bed.
“We’ll have you a little baby at the end of this. That’s what I’m excited about.” She holds my hand as she says, “I’m here for you, Liv. Through it all. I know that it should be Z—” I cut her off as I raise my hand.
“Please don’t say his name. I just, I just can’t … not right now. Not when he’s the one who put me in this position and bailed.”
But try as I might, I can’t not think about him.
I feel like I’ve been secretly waiting for the day when he would turn up on our doorstep unannounced and tell me it was all just a dream. Hope whispering in my ear at every corner had me silently praying that I’d wake up. But no longer.
This isn’t a dream; it’s as real as it gets.
“Olive, so good to see you, even if you are nearly a week early. No matter, that baby has been in there for long enough. Let’s do this.” Dr. Hollis smiles.
She places a contraption around my belly which she calls a fetal heart rate monitor. The wide elastic band cocoons my lower back and belly, and a large round doppler is moved into position so we can hear the baby’s heartbeat. Once in place, the sound of that beautiful heartbeat is loud and clear.
4 hours later
“Someone get her some damn meds! She’s freaking the hell out over here!” Millie shouts at a nurse, seeming to be in more distress watching me have back to back contractions than I am. Yeah, it hurts like a bitch, and some relief would be more than welcome right now, but she’s the one freaking out.
Sitting on the edge of the bed slumped forward with my hands on my knees, I grit my teeth and breathe through my latest contraction, which was only two minutes after the last one. They’re getting closer together now and much more intense. As I gather myself and continue breathing, it eases to a small ache.
My nurse, Rita, adds pain medication to my IV as soon as it passes. I nod in thanks, unable to speak right now. Millie moves from where she was standing near the end of the bed and sits down next to me, leaning in close. “Is it working yet?” she whispers in my ear. I laugh loudly, but it’s cut off abruptly by another contraction as it comes sooner than the last.
“Slow and deep breaths in and out. Just breathe,” Rita prompts. Easy for her to say.
Steadying my breathing, I take deliberate slow and deep breaths. My head starts to spin. I laugh to myself as I come down from the intense pain.
“I’m feeling a tad dizzy, Mil.”
“Totally normal,” Millie says as she waves over to Rita. “Hey, I think it’s almost time for Dr. Hollis.” Rita leaves the room as I start wiggling my butt back on the bed.
“Mil, Millie, Millicent … would ya be a doll and tie my hair up?” I mumble. Millie looks at me as if I’m drunk. I may not be drunk, but I’m all kinds of spaced out. Without saying a word, she slides the hair band from my wrist and reaches behind me to pull my hair up, wiping the damp hair from my forehead where sweat is beading from the intensity of what my body is going through. Piling it all into a topknot, she nods her head when she’s finished.
Staring into Millie’s blue eyes, I begin to question everything.
“Do you think I’ll be a good mom, Mil?” She grins, obviously trying not to laugh, and simply nods. Wow, whatever this stuff is, it’s working some pretty weird magic. I just wish it would take my mind away from here a little bit more, so I wouldn’t have to bear the weight of my emotions crashing down on me. “I just … I can’t fall out of love with one man, and I think I’m falling in love with another. What the hell am I going to do?” My eyes widen as another contraction takes me prisoner. Caging me in like an animal and feeding my heart rations of strength. Gasping for breath, I watch as Millie gives me a weak smile. Like the bombshell I’ve just dropped is what she’s been waiting to hear.
“You’ll be fine. You’ll see.” Millie grabs my ChapStick and unsnaps the lid.
“Pucker up, baby. Your lips will thank me,” she says, and all I can do is laugh as I do as I’m told and try to pucker them. She’s now laughing as well while attempting to apply it to my lips. I can feel the ChapStick going everywhere. My teeth obviously need the moisture. I put up my hand for her to stop as yet again another wave hits me like a ton of bricks. I grunt through clenched teeth. “Sorry,” I pant.
Oh, shit. Did I just pee myself?
“Millicent! I just fucking peed myself, and I feel like I now have a watermelon trying to escape my vagina!”
Millie looks down at my nether region and squeals.
“Uh, that’s not pee, babe. That was your water breaking. We’re about to have a baby!” Millie says as she runs for the door to get Rita. She comes bouncing back through the door with Rita and Dr. Hollis in tow.
“I hear it’s time; your water has broken, and you feel like you need to push?” Dr. Hollis questions me.
“If by pushing you mean that I have pressure where there should never be this amount of pressure, then yes, I really need to push. My vagina is hurting like a bitch,” I say through gritted teeth.
“Excellent, Olive. You’re not far away from having your baby in your arms.” She removes the blue bed pad from underneath me and replaces it with a fresh one. “Rita, would you please get all utensils prepared for me and …” she lists off, and I find myself spacing out again, so I just try to focus on Millie, who’s now directly by my side holding my hand for dear life.
“Okay, Olive. When you feel your next contraction, I want you to push down gently. I need to see that you’re ready,” Dr. Hollis instructs as she gazes up at me from between my legs; any lingering modesty has left the building.
Not five seconds later, I do as instructed, breathing through the contraction.
“Excellent. You’re doing well. One more just a little harder this time and I should be able to see the top of your baby’s head.”
I wait … then it comes again. I push harder this time and fuck! My eyes widen with the sensation.
“OH, MY GOD, it feels like a ring of fire down there. I knew I should’ve gone to more than one of those stupid birthing classes,” I screech out. Everyone in the room laughs.
“I can see the head. Millie, do you want to watch?” Dr. Hollis asks. Millie looks at me with pleading eyes; I know she wants to watch, so I nod, letting her know it’s okay to leave my side.
“Okay, one more, Olive, and I think we’ll have a head. Remember, just a little bit harder than the last.” And so I do.
Oh, my fucking God.
Dr. Hollis peers up at me. “Keep going, almost there,” she encourages.
I grit my teeth and push with every ounce of my being. “Yes, we’ve got a head. Well done, dear.”
Millie has the widest grin on her face. And with just seeing that one smile, she’s giving me the confidence to hit a home run, like a proud parent on the sidelines.
Lying back on the bed, I try to relax as I wait for the impending contraction. As it begins to wash over me, I raise my back from the bed and grab the back of my thighs. Push, breathe, push, breathe, and finally, a loud scream from someone other than me. The sound of my baby.
I watch as Dr. Hollis wipes the baby with a towel and cleans it up the best she can. “Olive, you have a beautiful baby girl! Born January thirteenth at one nineteen a.m.,” she says while looking at her pocket watch pinned to her blouse.
Millie claps her hands as she walks over to me. Leaning in close, she kisses me on the forehead, sweat and all. “You did it, Liv. You have a baby girl.”
Tears run down my face; all this was finally worth it. Dr. Hollis stops at my bedside with my girl cocooned in her arms. Carefully cradling her head, she places her on my chest.
Smiling from ear to ear, I take my very first long look at her, her face still red from crying. Slowly, she calms down enough to flutter her lids open and quiets, staring at me with deep blue eyes. I hold out my pinky finger and place it in her hand. She instantly wraps her tiny fingers around mine. The intensity of our moment goes on undisturbed as she continues to stare and hold me, cementing herself as part of my heart and soul forevermore.
“Hello, my little Rose,” I say in a shaky voice. “Rose Millicent.”
“We need to weigh and measure her now, Olive,” Rita says as she reaches for Rose. After handing her over, she walks her to a small table where a scale sits. Unwrapping her from her blanket, which causes my poor girl to start wailing, she places Rose on the scale to weigh her tiny body. “Seven pounds, six ounces. Perfect,” she says with a smile on her face. Dr. Hollis nods, writing on her chart as Rita lists more measurements to her. After putting a diaper on, she wraps Rose back into her blanket and walks over to hand her back to me. I smile softly. “Mil can hold her.”
Millie beams as she takes Rose from Rita.
“Rose, I’m your Auntie Millie. We are going to be the best of friends.” Millie laughs as Rose lets out another wail. “Come on, Rose, I’m not that bad. Promise.” She settles her back on my chest where I rub her tiny back, and she drifts off to sleep after a few minutes as we stare at her. “She’s absolutely perfect, Liv. You should be really freaking proud of yourself.”
I wake to the sound of a door closing, and my eyes spring open as I wonder where the hell I am. The tender ache of my body the only reminder as I gather my senses and peer toward the door.
“Good morning, Liv,” I hear a throaty voice say, a voice I know well. I turn my head slightly to see Rose in Seb’s arms. Safely tucked in the crook of his elbow, she’s sound asleep.
“Morning. Where’s Millie?”
Taking his eyes from Rose, he pins them on me as he jerks his head toward the door. “Gone home for a nap. You know what she’s like when she doesn’t sleep.”
“Is that where you went last night? Home, I mean.”
“No, I’ve been out in the hall waiting …” He pauses and looks back down at Rose. “Congratulations.”
Looking at the man who’s crept in through the broken remains of what Zeke laid to waste, I let myself truly feel what’s happening to my once shattered heart. And it’s equally as scary as it is amazing.
He strokes a finger across Rose’s cheek. “Welcome to the world, sweet girl.”
Heartache and misplaced hope both have an expiration date, and that day has arrived.