Chapter Twelve
This time, Alyssa was the one running late. And she hated to be late about as much as she hated spiders. So, a whole lot. But she’d been so nervous, she spent the first fifteen minutes she should have been driving to the therapist’s office hovering over the toilet certain her breakfast was going to reappear. Miraculously it stayed down, but she was now a good few minutes tardy for her appointment despite the fact she blew two red lights. That tidbit would not be shared with Derek. He constantly worried about her safety and tended to flip out if she did anything risky.
The nerves stemmed from the unsettled way their previous encounter ended. For the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why Derek left the way he had. And she’d spent far too many hours dissecting every second that they were together. Reliving it again and again had the dual effect of arousing her and making her angry. How could he just storm out like that, leaving her so confused?
She was bound to find out in the next few minutes.
“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she called out as she threw open the door to Dr. Appwater’s small waiting room.
The pretty young receptionist greeted Alyssa with a smile. “Please don’t worry about it, Mrs. Jackson. Maggie is running a few minutes behind herself.”
Relief left her in a whoosh of air. “Oh good.” She turned to find a chair to wait and froze at the sight of her husband sitting there. “Oh! Derek, hi.” Tension stiffened her spine. There wasn’t anything worse than feeling awkward around the one person she’d always been able to be her genuine self with. He knew everything about her: good, bad and ugly. Never had he made her feel anything less than beautiful, cherished, and desired, even at her worst. And now there was a divide between them and she had no idea how to bridge the gap.
Should she go sit next to him? Should she give him space?
The uncertainty in what used to be stable and safe sucked.
“Hey, Lyss.” He patted the seat next to him and she hesitated a second before closing the distance to him. His posture was stiff and unwelcoming, but a small smile played across his lips. That was a good sign.
Right?
They sat in strained silence for about three minutes, then Maggie opened her door and waved them in. Ever the gentleman, Derek waited for her to precede him. But he didn’t take her hand, didn’t rest his on the small of her back, didn’t touch her at all. And when she sat in the same spot on Maggie’s plush couch as she has last time, Derek sat too, but he left a foot of space between them. Twelve little inches that might as well have been a mile-wide chasm.
Maggie must have picked up on the stiffness in the room because she raised one eyebrow as she took her own seat across from them. But if she did sense something was off, she kept it to herself for the time being. “Hey, you two. I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. Thank you for your patience.”
“No problem,” Derek said.
Alyssa was glad he’d responded. Her insides were coiled so tight and her throat felt so thick, she was afraid she’d start crying if she tried to talk.
The faint smell of grapefruit tinged the air. Perched on a windowsill across the room, a diffuser pumped fragrant steam into the air. Probably essential oils. Grapefruit was great for banishing mental exhaustion and calming anxiety. As an interior designer, Alyssa found clients loved if she went above and beyond recommending personalized touches such as essential oils they might benefit from. She made a point of gifting each client a diffuser and a few oils.
With the way her nerves were on edge, she’d have to bathe in a tub full of grapefruit oil to feel any kind of relief.
“So,” Maggie said. “Let’s get right into it. Before we speak about your dates, I’d like to know if you each spent some time soul searching? Really thinking and allowing yourself to process your feelings. Alyssa, let’s start with you.”
“I cleaned out Katie’s room,” she blurted. Heat rushed to her face. That was totally not an answer to the question Maggie asked, but it had led to some deep introspection, so she supposed it was a good place to start.
“Okay.” Maggie jotted some notes on her pad then gave Alyssa her full attention. Today she wore a cream-colored cashmere sweater and simple black slacks. Her glasses rested on her head again. “Tell me about that.”
She risked a glance at Derek who was staring at her with a flat, unreadable expression. His handsome face was so closed off and it scared her to death. “Well, I just felt it was time. And I felt like it was what I need to do to shock myself back into the present. My best friend, Roxie, helped me. We got drunk, shared stories about Katie, laughed, and cried. It was actually very cathartic.”
She peeked at Derek again. Would he be upset she’d done it without him?
“It’s also very healthy, Alyssa. Hanging on to a few memorable keepsakes is perfectly acceptable. No one wants you to try to purge the memory of your daughter, but many parents in your situation keep their child’s room for years, decades even, as a sort of shrine to their lost child. They think it will help, but all it does is anchor them to the past. I’m really proud of you for taking that step.” She turned her attention to Derek. “What are your thoughts on that, Derek?”
Alyssa held her breath. Her heart was pounding so loud she might miss what he was about to say. “I’m sorry,” she announced before he had a chance to speak. “I didn’t wait for you. But I thought if we did it together, it would be even harder. Wait, that didn’t come out right.”
Maggie held up a hand. “It’s all right Alyssa, but hold on until Derek speaks. I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
He cleared his throat. “She’s right. It would have been a clusterfuck if we tried to do it together. Too much grief in one room.” His face was still impassive, but he couldn’t hide the pain in his voice. “I’m glad it helped you. And that Rox was there for you,” he said, turning to Alyssa.
“Thank you,” she whispered. Relief hit her so hard, she felt boneless and tired. Like she could lie back on Maggie’s couch and sleep for a week. It had been two years since she’d slept through the night. First it was stress and worry over Katie’s health, money concerns, work concerns. Then it was grief so strong she’d wake up alone in the middle of the night to a tear-soaked pillow. Every time, she’d tiptoed out of the room in search of Derek, only to find him sitting in front of an infomercial with a blank stare. Not once had she gone to him. She hadn’t been able to handle their combined heartache. She was just too weak. Now it was fears of a failed marriage that kept her awake well into the early morning hours. Maybe if she hadn’t been so selfish. If she’d gone to him and tried to comfort him they wouldn’t be in this position today.
She took a deep breath. It was time. Time to reveal what she’d learned about herself these past two weeks through many hours of introspection, journaling, and reality facing. “One of the things that attracted me to Derek from the first moment I met him…” she started, looking at Maggie.
With a quick shake of her head, Maggie pointed to Derek. “Speak to him, Alyssa, not me.”
She nodded and clenched her hands in her lap as she faced the man who owned her heart. “One of the things I fell hard for and still love about you, is your strength.”
He gave her a half smile and flexed a colorful bicep that still had the power to make her sex clench, even after all these years. She could have kissed him for trying to lighten the serious mood in the office.
“Yes,” she said as her face heated. “But also, your inner strength. You take command and control without being overbearing. You work hard to protect me from anything you think will harm me. You stood up to my family years ago and saved me from a life I didn’t want to live. You’ve overcome your own personal hell. You face every challenge we’ve ever encountered as though it’s no more than an annoying gnat buzzing around. Nothing bests you.”
Derek sat quietly and listened to her. She stared straight into his eyes while she spoke and almost forgot Maggie was there as her surroundings faded into background. Everything in her was focused on him.
“But there are still some things that can cut through the strongest steel. What happened to Katie did something to me, inside of me, that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover from. And I know it did the same thing to you. And I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle seeing your devastation, your pain.”
She dropped her face into her hands as shame swamped her and tears flooded her eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s so selfish of me. I’m supposed to be there for you and I just…ch-checked out.”
The tears fell in torrents as horrible choking sobs wracked her body. Admitting it out loud, hearing the words, telling Derek that she’d been too lost in her own grief to tolerate his made her feel like the worst wife on the planet.
Derek had tolerated so much because of her, because of her family. He’d been amazing through Katie’s illness and she’d abandoned him in his time of need in favor of her own needs.
It was a wonder he could even stand to look at her.
~ ~ ~ ~
I couldn’t handle seeing your devastation, your pain.
Alyssa’s words cut into him, piercing the hard shell he’d erected since Katie’s passing. She shouldn’t have had to see his devastation. He should have shielded her from it. Protected her from it. Alyssa had needed him strong to guide her through the tragedy.
He’d failed her.
And now they were sitting in a therapist’s office trying to glue the broken pieces of their marriage.
His wife wept into her hands. The sounds of her anguish filled the small therapist’s office. He should go to her, do something to ease her suffering, but as had become his new norm, he did nothing.
All the emotions he’d been putting in little boxes and shoving into the corners of his mind reached out and wrapped their hands around his neck, choking him for all they were worth. Katie’s suffering, his wife’s torment, his own loss and feelings of failure. Maggie had asked them for some introspection during their time apart, and even that he’d chickened out on until the previous night. Now, hearing Alyssa’s misguided guilt and shame, everything he’d tried to tamp down exploded within him.
It was paralyzing in its intensity. So much so that he couldn’t even offer his wife comfort. He was failing her yet again.
“Derek, you look a little green around the gills,” Maggie said. “I’d like to get your feelings on what Alyssa just said, but first I’d like to address it myself. Here, Alyssa.” She held out a box of tissues. Not the same box as last time. With a practice like hers, she must go through the damn things faster than a whore went through condoms.
“Thanks,” Lyss said as she sniffed. “I’m sorry I lost it like that.”
“Please don’t be,” Maggie replied. “I want you to know, Alyssa, that what you’re feeling is extremely normal. The tragedy you and Derek experienced is pretty much the worst thing a couple can go through. It’s not selfish to have a difficult time seeing your big, strong, SEAL husband crippled with grief.”
Derek flinched at her description, but couldn’t deny it.
“It’s normal,” Maggie continued. “It’s expected. You love him. You just witnessed someone you love succumb to a horrible disease. It’s only natural that you wouldn’t want to see anyone else you love suffer. All couples lose their way for a time. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high for marriages in which a child passes? Some people can’t stand the sight of their loved one anymore, because it reminds them of their child. Some turn to drugs or alcohol. Some internalize their feelings until they self-destruct. Others withdraw and slowly pull away. But not all couples care enough to find their way back to each other. And you two do. Tell me what you’re thinking, Derek.”
“Huh? What?” All he could see were Alyssa’s red-rimmed eyes and tear-drenched cheeks. All he could hear was the loud voice in his head berating him for neglecting his wife, for failing her, for failing their child. Alyssa deserved a man who would could be there for her. A man who wouldn’t pull away from her when the road got rough.
“Derek? You okay?” Lyss asked.
He blinked and looked at the two women gawking at him. One with concern on her beautiful but sad face, and the other with patient understanding. Like she could see into his head and knew he was all sorts of fucked up in that moment, but she wasn’t fazed by it.
“I’m sorry,” he said. Suddenly the four walls of the office seemed to be closing in on him. He pulled at the neck of his T-shirt to ease the sensation of the fabric tightening. Hell, his own skin felt itchy and too tight like he it was trying to suffocate him.
He stood. A crushing pressure in his chest made breathing difficult. “I’m sorry. I just…I can’t.”
“What? Derek—” Alyssa’s eyes widened, and she turned as he rounded the couch and sped toward the door.
“Derek, it’s all right. Sit back down. I’ll get you some water, and we can discuss it,” Maggie said.
He reached for the doorknob and shook his head. The heaviness in his chest was almost crushing at that point. Casting one last glance at his wife, he somehow managed to inhale enough air to speak. “I’m sorry.”
“Der—”
He didn’t wait to hear Alyssa’s pleas. He tromped through the door, past a startled receptionist, and out into the chilly November air. Only when he was seated in his SUV could he finally breathe again. And he did just that. Resting his head against the steering wheel and focusing on each steady inhalation.
Shit, he hadn’t had a panic attack in years. Not since the early days of his and Lyss’s relationship. But he couldn’t stand the thoughts running through his head. The bombardment of negative emotions. The insight he’d been lacking over the past year.
And if the weight of guilt over his distressed marriage hadn’t been enough to trigger an episode, the shattered look on his wife’s face as he fled the office like a chicken shit was.
And the knowledge that there was no one to blame for her devastation but himself only made it worse.
Now she was probably in there crying her eyes out to the therapist when he should be the one to comfort her. Another failure.
He should man up and head back in there, but he couldn’t. Not until he had his head on straight.
Shit. Could he have fucked the situation up any worse?