Chapter Nine
Derek stormed toward the elevators with his heart in his throat, trembling hands, and the intoxicating tang of his wife still lingering on his lips. His cock was harder than it had been in years and his balls ached with the need for release. A raging case of blue balls was the least he deserved for walking out on Alyssa before the sweat had cooled on her soft skin.
When he thought of how long it had been since he’d tasted her, pleasured her like that, seen her give herself over the pleasure she loved, he felt physically ill.
For years, he’d lived for that. Lived for the needy whimpers she made when she wanted him. Lived for her tantalizing contradiction of shy and sensual. Lived for the way she responded to him and only him. Lived for every moment he spent with her.
And now?
Now he felt like he barely knew the woman who should have been his whole world. Had no clue what went on in her days recently. Didn’t even know she’d gone back to work. Didn’t know if she was sleeping through the night or plagued with worries and grief. How had this happened? How had he let it happen? He’d failed her miserably. So wrapped up in his own grief and selfish inability to deal with his feelings that he’d shut himself off and neglected the rare and priceless connection they shared.
As the elevator reached the ground floor, he pulled out his phone and fired off a text to Brett. Take you up on the offer of an ear. Meet at Pint’s? It was their favorite neighborhood bar. He needed a drink and didn’t need to be drinking alone at this point. Maybe hanging with Brett would help him get his head on straight.
His phone chirped.
Already there, one drink in.
Well, that was convenient. Derek stepped into the frosty evening and headed in the direction of the bar. He bypassed the metro station. A long walk would do him good.
Twenty minutes later, he sat on a stool next to his buddy at the bar. Brett had his favorite beer waiting for him. It was then, he realized, just what a lucky bastard he was. He’d neglected his relationship with his wife, yet she was willing to do anything to salvage what they had. Even try a radical plan that had him staying in a hotel, but turned out to be hot as fuck.
He’d also neglected his friendship with Brett, yet the moment he texted in need of an ear, his buddy was there for him, no questions asked. Two of the most important people in his life suffering from his inability to deal with his feelings and heartache were both willing to fight for him. More willing than he’d been apparently.
What an undeserving ass he was.
“So,” Brett said, “you ready to spill about what’s going on with you and Lyss?”
No preamble, no small talk. Just dive right into the heart of the problem. Classic Brett. And very much appreciated.
Derek sipped his beer. “No.”
Brett grunted. “Okay, listen. You need to talk. Get out of your fucking head. I promise your balls won’t shrivel up.”
Studying his beer like it held all the answers, Derek sighed. If he talked, opened that floodgate, all the pain he was trying to avoid would come crashing in with the power of Niagara Falls.
“I’m good to sit here all night if we gotta.”
Shit. “Fine. I’ll talk.”
A smile lit Brett’s face. “’Bout fuckin’ time, brother. Go ahead. Spill your guts. Dr. Brett is here for ya.”
A laugh burst out of Derek, easing some of his tension. “Shit, it must be worse than even I realized if I’m using you as my marriage counselor.”
“Pfft. I’m damn good with the ladies and you know it.”
Derek sipped his beer. “Kick her to the curb and find another isn’t exactly the advice I’m looking for.”
With a roll of his eyes, Brett flipped him off. “Drink more. You know damn well I wouldn’t say that about Alyssa. She’s always been my favorite person.”
A ghost of a smile curled Derek’s lips. Brett may be a notorious womanizer, but he treated them all well. From the moment he’d met Alyssa years ago, he’d had a soft spot for her. And she’d always thought of him as a big brother of sorts.
“Well, as you picked up on, things haven’t been right with Alyssa and me since…” The words just wouldn’t come out of his mouth.
Brett sat, a patient expression on his face. His friend was there for him for sure, but wasn’t going to give him a pass. He’d make Derek say the words.
He cleared his throat. “Things haven’t been right since Katie died.” There. He’d said it. Given voice to it. And got the stab of pain in his heart was just as sharp as it had been the day it happened.
Brett nodded and let Derek speak. He tempered his voice and tried to keep from being pummeled with emotions he didn’t want to feel. As he confided in his friend, Derek’s mind replayed the past year, but especially the events of the past week and a half.
Thirteen Days Ago
Derek pushed the door open and smiled at the professional woman with a long, deep brown braid over her shoulder and dark rimmed glasses perched atop her head. Damn, she couldn’t be much older than he was. Hell, she may have been younger. For some reason when he imagined the marriage counselor, he pictured an older, sophisticated woman spouting wisdom borne of a long healthy marriage.
With an apologetic smile, he cast a glance at the plush couch where his wife sat, her back straight and hands folded in her lap. Ever the lady. Though a nervous lady if her posture was any indication. She may have been rigid and tapping her foot, but her eyes shone with genuine happiness to see him.
Since he was fifteen minutes late, she probably thought he bailed. “Um, hey, babe, sorry I’m late. My last client was a little woozy after a few hours in the chair.”
The therapist checked her watch and motioned toward the couch. “Actually, Mr. Jackson, I was running a bit behind as well, so you’re right on time. We haven’t even formally introduced ourselves yet. Please, take a seat.”
He took the space next to Lyss on the couch and threaded his fingers through hers. They trembled in his hand until she clasped him so tight it nearly hurt. She must be even more nervous than she appeared.
He wanted to reach out to her. To drag her into his arms and promise her everything would work out. But he didn’t. It was an unnerving feeling. This uncertainty. This absence of confidence in his relationship. He felt as though he’d forgotten how to touch her.
Not for sex. That he damn well remembered.
But this deeper intimacy. Comforting, reassuring, loving…
Had he really closed himself off that much? So much that he couldn’t remember how to touch his wife?
Christ, he was an asshole.
He hadn’t exactly been enthused about the idea of counseling when she broached the subject, but he loved his wife, and wasn’t enough of an asshole to deny her something that might help her, or them.
“I’m Doctor Margret Appwater, but I like to keep this as informal as possible, so please call me Maggie.” She smiled at Lyss, and his wife lost some of the starch and tension in her spine.
“Derek and Alyssa, I presume? And is it okay if I use your first names?”
He nodded while Alyssa said, “That’s correct. And, please, those names are fine.”
Maggie nodded and jotted notes on her pad. “All right, I’m not one for bullshit or much small talk, so I’d like us to just dive right in.”
Derek snorted. He had plenty of experience with therapy, though it seemed a lifetime ago. PTSD was a nasty bitch and had had him in her clutches for years after he left the Navy. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember any of the therapists using the word bullshit. Maybe this Dr. Appwater wouldn’t be so bad after all.
“Given the nature of my practice, I’ve heard it all. I want you to feel comfortable enough to say anything, and I mean anything. I promise, it is not possible to shock me, and I also promise you will not tell me anything I haven’t dealt with before. There will never be any judgment. Okay?”
Alyssa nodded, but Derek had no idea what she was talking about. “I’m sorry, the nature of your practice? You mean marriage counseling?” He glanced at his wife who wouldn’t meet his gaze.
Maggie kept her attention on her notepad. “Well, yes and no. I mean the fact that I specialize in couples and individuals with sexual and intimacy issues. So, I’m going to dive right in with my first question, then I’ll let you speak freely. When was the last time the two of you engaged in any type of physical intimacy?”
What. The. Fuck.
Alyssa was unsatisfied with their sex life? Since when? He wanted to laugh out loud. There was no way in hell. She loved sex. Loved sex with him. Even after eight years together she responded to him like she was made for him and he could practically make her come by whispering filthy words in her ear. He was pretty damned certain they had the hottest sex life of anyone they knew.
Christ, the thought that he wasn’t satisfying his wife had nausea rolling through his gut. No, it just wasn’t possible. The last time they’d had sex she came four times, screaming his name and pulling his hair so hard he teased her and bought a box of Rogaine the next day. And that was just…what?
“Two years ago.” The words left Alyssa’s mouth in a small, sad voice the exact moment his brain registered the timeline.
Two years ago.
Derek’s jaw dropped, and he faced his wife. How on earth had he gone two years without her touch, her taste, without watching her face as she came, without hearing the sound of his name escape her lips in a fit of ecstasy?
That really couldn’t be possible.
But her dejected smile and his own memory said it was more than possible. It was true.
“Okay, thank you for being honest. I’d like to get a little background on you guys. Let’s start with you, Alyssa, since you’re the one who initiated the appointment. Derek, I understand you took a little convincing.”
He nodded, like an idiot, unable to form words around the shock filling every cell of his being.
Lyss cleared her throat and cast him a sideways glance. “We’ve been married for seven years, dated for just six months before that. Derek is eight years older than I am. I had a very conservative, I’d say repressed, upbringing. I’d only slept with one man before him.” The rapid rambling was cute but showed her discomfort with talking about personal topics. “Derek and I clicked on so many levels, but sexually…” She blew out a breath and fanned herself.
Damn straight it had been hot as hell. And she most certainly had been brought up in a repressed, strict, over-the-top-religious household. The fact that he’d been the man to draw the latent sexuality out of her was a huge source of pride for him.
She’d trusted him enough to give her body over to him and allow him to teach her all about pleasure. That was never something he’d valued or even given any thought to in a partner, but once he’d met Lyss, it all changed.
She’d been timid, modest, almost afraid of the powerful chemistry between them, but damn had she been curious. Underneath he’d sensed a simmering passion she had no idea what to do with. Not that it was a surprise. She’d been raised in what was only a hop, skip, and a jump from being a cult.
Drawing the passion out of her, nurturing that untapped side of her, exploring her every need had been incredible. She’d told him so many times through the years that he was the only man she could have ever trusted enough to explore her deepest fantasies. Feel the freedom to express her desires, which ran deep.
He loved the fact that there wasn’t another man on the planet who knew his wife like he did. Knew how to make her purr, knew how to make her scream. Knew that under her reserved, private personality was a wild woman who loved to give and receive pleasure.
After clearing her throat, Lyss continued. “For us, sex has always been an extremely important part of our relationship.” A pretty pink flush stole across her cheeks. No matter how down and dirty their sex life got, she’d always had difficulty talking about anything sexual with anyone but him. That contradiction was something he found adorable.
Maggie smiled. “Remember what I said, nothing is off limits. And there isn’t anything to feel bashful about. I’ve literally heard it all.”
“We are, um were, pretty adventurous I guess I’d call it.” She turned to him and seemed to lose all fear of sharing as she focused solely on him. “I wanted to do anything and everything with Derek. The foundation of our relationship wasn’t built just on sex, but it was a high priority for both of us. It was how we communicated, how we connected, even how we fought. We had sex at least once a day, and it was very rare that we let a day go by without it. That didn’t even change after Katie was born.” Her smile turned down.
The mention of his daughter’s name sent a familiar spear of sadness through his chest.
“All of our friends complained about the dip in their sex lives after a child, or during high-stress times in their lives, but not us. We craved each other, like a drug. Passionate sex, playful sex, comforting sex, angry sex.” She shrugged. “I loved it all. Any and every way I could get him. Anywhere, anytime.” Her blush intensified.
“Sounds like something to be envious of.” The therapist stopped taking notes and gave Lyss her full attention.
Derek had been captivated by her as well. She’d been beyond sheltered when they met, and he’d taken great pleasure in corrupting her. With him, she felt free to express herself, ask for what she wanted, hell, take what she wanted. But never had he heard her talk about their sex life to another person. She was tightlipped and shy outside their marriage. Hell, even her best friend Roxie complained that Lyss never gave her any dirty details to live vicariously through.
“It was. And it was the same no matter what happened in our lives. We survived significant disapproval from my family.” She paused and gave a small huff.
Somehow, he managed to hold in a snort. Disapproval was the least of what they’d had to overcome from Alyssa’s family who were religious to the point of insanity. But that was the past and had nothing to do with their present problems.
“We survived Derek’s PTSD, and both of us working crazy hours to grow our businesses. Nothing shook our bond. Whenever we had stress, we turned to each other and conquered every battle as a pair. We were connected on every level.”
“And then?” Maggie gentled her voice, prompting his wife, and his stomach clenched.
Then it all when to shit.
“And then Katie got sick.”
A strong fist gripped Derek’s heart and squeezed with the force of a thousand men. They hadn’t talked about any of this. Because of him. Because he was the selfish asshole who couldn’t handle talking about the death of their baby girl. The child who brought so much joy to every aspect of their lives.
Tears filled Lyss’s sad blue eyes and spilled down her cheeks. Maggie handed her a box of tissues.
“Lyss,” he said.
“Derek, we’ll get to you in a moment. I want Lyss to have a chance to get this all out, okay?”
“Okay.” Who did that ravaged voice belong to? Surely not him.
Lyss sniffed and set the box of tissues next to her on the luxurious couch. “Katie was just over three when she was diagnosed with cancer, and overnight every single aspect of our lives changed. I closed my business and took care of her while Derek was at work. When he was home, he went above and beyond to make sure I took care of myself as well as helping care for our baby.” She looked at him, love shining from her eyes.
“We were so consumed with doctors’ appointments, money concerns, medical procedures, chemo, the horror of Katie’s pain.” She shuddered. “Sex just stopped, and for a while I honestly didn’t notice.” Her voice lowered to a whisper. “It’s been over a year since Katie’s passing. I think about her every single day. I miss her every single second. But life seems to be moving forward despite our loss. I feel like I’m finally waking up after a two-year-long nightmare, and while nothing will ever completely fill the void in our lives, we have no choice but to continue on.”
“Lyss are you concerned that Derek is seeking a sexual relationship from another woman?”
Every muscle in Derek’s body tensed and his breath stilled in his lungs.
Never.
Never had he even had one ounce of desire to sleep with another woman after he met her. Christ, if that was Lyss’s concern, he might just break down and cry, something he’d only allowed one time in his life. At Katie’s bedside when she took her last breath.
“No.” Lyss spoke with a firm voice, and leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “That is not something I worry about. Derek would never. He’d stay with me and faithful for the next fifty years, even if we never had sex again. I’m one hundred percent certain of that. And that’s what concerns me. I’m terrified that this part of who we are that is so important to me, and that I’m coming to crave again, is dead. That we won’t be who we were, and we’ll never get that back. We’re disconnected outside the bedroom as well as inside. Living more like roommates. Not talking about anything important, not eating together, not spending any quality time together, no dates. We’ve already lost more than anyone should. I’m not sure what I would do if we lost the core of who we are as a couple.”
“Thank you for your honesty, Lyss. Derek, I’d like to hear your thoughts on everything your wife has said.”
Shit. His thoughts? The only thought he had right then was that he wanted to go home and fuck his wife until neither of them could see straight. To apologize for the pain she’d been experiencing. But he couldn’t. Something locked up inside of him the day Katie died. In the year since her passing, he hadn’t found the key to release it yet.
Maybe this therapist could change that.