Chapter Sixteen
Alyssa smoothed her hands over the wild strands of her hair then glared at her image in the mirror. They’d done it again. Sex without a condom. For the past few days, she’d been forcing herself to think of anything but the possibility of pregnancy, not that it worked. The worry was on her mind constantly. Until Derek walked in and got her all hot and bothered. Then it was easy. Then all rational thought fell straight out of her brain.
Damn it.
She rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. Maybe there’d be some divine inspiration up there.
Nope.
She had to keep it light in her head, the thoughts of being pregnant. Because if she allowed it to truly seep in, she’d go into full panic mode at the thought of bringing another child into the world. Another child that she’d love with every fiber of her being. Another child that could get hurt or sick and be lost to her yet again.
A low moan filled the bathroom as the pain of Katie’s passing washed over her.
She had to tell Derek. It wasn’t fair of her to keep it from him.
Instead of stalling any longer, she gave her reflection a harsh stare and tossed her long hair into a messy bun on top of her head. The style made her look young, which in fact, she still was. Lately, she’d been feeling aged beyond her years.
Tragedy did that to a person.
She shook off the maudlin thoughts, straightened her dress, and flicked off the light while reaching for the door. Derek sat on the couch, jeans back in place, staring into a Chinese takeout carton. Kung Pao Chicken was her guess. And for her, he’d have gotten—
“Oh hey.” He glanced up and blinked. “Didn’t even hear the door open. Must be losing my edge. Here, I got you shrimp lo mein.”
Her favorite.
“Thanks.” She accepted the carton and disposable chopsticks as she sank onto the leather couch. Without panties, she felt a little drafty and curled her legs underneath her bottom. Facing Derek, her knees rested against his thigh.
How many nights over the years had they sat this very same way? First on the sofa at either his or her apartment. Then in the apartment they shared together. And finally, in the home they’d purchased shortly after getting married. Nights like this were her absolute favorite.
They’d eat, chat about their day, touch, kiss. Eventually the caresses would turn heated and they’d abandon the food in favor of tasting each other. Sometimes it was sweet, loving, slow. Others it was a mad frenzy of desire and need. But always, it ended in an explosion of pleasure for both of them—usually more than once for her.
She was pretty certain Katie was conceived on one of those perfect nights.
She had to say something. But the words just wouldn’t come.
It was ridiculous, really. She didn’t have a clue, not a symptom, or a sign, or a feeling that she was pregnant. It was way, way too early. But she was freaking out nonetheless. Confessing the possibility of pregnancy to her unflappable man would help. He’d stay rational, calm, and talk her off the ledge like he was so adept at doing.
“Mmm, this hit the spot,” she said as the salty flavor of the noodles flooded her senses. “I feel like I could inhale this whole thing in under three minutes. Care to challenge me?”
Narrowed eyes met her gaze. “What’s with the voice?”
“Huh,” she asked.
“You sound weird. Like falsely cheerful.”
With a sigh she could almost feel weighing her down, she stuck the chopsticks in the carton and gave Derek her full attention. “I cut my foot a few weeks ago.”
His focus shifted to her foot. “Shit. You okay? Should you be walking on it?”
“Oh, no it’s fine.” She waved away his concern. “It was a tiny scratch. I was wearing socks in the garage and stepped on a nail. Yes, I know it was stupid to be barefoot in there, but I was in a rush. And it was supposed to be a quick run in and run out. But then I couldn’t find what I was looking for, so I was rummaging around.”
Great, now she was babbling about her shoes.
“Uh, anyway, the nail was filthy, so a doctor gave me an antibiotic just to make sure it didn’t get infected.”
Concern marred his face and he’d stopped eating as well. “But it’s okay now, right?”
“Yes, totally fine. Barely even bothered me.” Her voice wavered, and she almost lost her nerve. The door to her office beckoned. She could run before the words were said.
Not that she ever would.
“Sooo…” Derek prompted.
“So antibiotics can weaken birth control pills and make them ineffective.” It came out as a whisper.
Derek’s eyes widened, and his mouth opened and closed no less than four times. “Holy…uh…fuck. Are you…”
She shook her head so hard the room wobbled. “Way too early to tell.”
“Jesus, I’m not ready for that. I can’t even process it.” He scrubbed a hand over his bearded face. “This can’t be happening, Lyss. Not now. Not after all we’ve been through. What if…” He shook his head.
Well, crap. Now her mind was spiraling out of control with a million unwelcome thoughts and worries. Derek was supposed to remain calm. He was supposed to hold her and tell her not to worry, that they’d get through it. They couldn’t both panic. He had to be calm, rational, steady. It was how they worked as a couple.
She reached for his hand, but he pulled away, stood, and paced the floor of her office.
Her rejected heart sank, but she didn’t say anything. She’d had a few days to obsess about this and wasn’t handling the idea of it well herself. It wasn’t fair to expect him to react any better.
While she waited for him to right his mind, she picked up her food and shoveled a few bites into her mouth. Anything to pass the time.
After about five solid minutes of watching him attempt to wear a hole through her office carpet, she couldn’t stand another second of the thick quiet. “Der? Hey, Derek? Can we talk about this?”
The eyes that met hers were not the eyes of a satisfied husband who just had desk-rattling sex. They were the eyes of a tortured man fighting an enemy. The invisible kind. The kind that brewed in one’s own mind. The absolute worst kind of foe. She’d seen those eyes before. Years ago, when they’d first met, and Derek had struggled with PTSD. If only she could utilize some of the tools that helped him back then.
The food in her mouth suddenly felt like paste and she swallowed the unappetizing lump. It might as well have been a jagged rock, the way it seemed to tear her insides as it traveled to her stomach. A stomach that threatened to reject everything she’d just consumed. Whatever he was about to say wasn’t going to be good. She could feel it in her bones.
“Sometimes I wish you’d known me back when I was a SEAL,” he said.
Her eyebrows drew down and she stuck the chopsticks in the carton before placing it on the desk. They never talked about his SEAL days. Not anymore. Where was he going with this? What was eating at him so bad that he’d revisit dark days? “I would have liked to have known you then.” She tilted her head. “Maybe I could have helped spare you some of the pain you went through.”
It was something she’d thought about a lot when they first got together. Had they been introduced three, even two years prior, would she have been able to spare him some of the anguish and suffering he’d endured?
He grunted. “No, you didn’t know me back then, but you sure got stuck cleaning up the mess, didn’t you?”
“Baby,” she said, snagging his hand and pulling him back down to the couch. Then she threw her leg over his and settled on his lap, straddling him. Her hands framed his face and she tilted his head up to meet her gaze. “I never, not once, thought of it that way. Everyone has issues, and I never resented helping you through yours. I was honored to have the job.”
His strong hands settled on her waist as a sad smile crossed his face. They felt good there. As though it hadn’t been so long since he held her like this. Since they had the simple intimacy of talking without any thought for personal space. “I know, baby. And that’s not even where I’m going with this.”
“Okay, so why don’t you tell me why you brought it up?”
He nodded. “As a SEAL, we worked in teams. And we trained…a lot. We were forever training. No matter how good we got, how strong we were, how fast. We could always be better, stronger, faster. So we trained. And we trained. And we trained. Every damn day.”
She nodded and moved her hands to his chest. This was nothing new. He’d told her about his training. And she’d done her own research. Even watched a multi-episode documentary on BUDs training back when they first met, and she was eager to soak up any information she could have in her quest to understand him.
“When it came time for a mission, we planned down to the very last detail. Then made backup plans. And contingencies for our back up plans. There was no problem too big. No obstacle we weren’t willing or able to tackle. But we always did it the smart way. With knowledge, skill, and planning.”
He tightened his fingers on her waist and she remained silent. Whatever this was, he needed to get it out.
“When we were certain we had every viable possibility accounted for, we went in as a team. And we were successful. Almost every time. Because we had to be. There were only two options. Success or failure. And failure meant death. Failure meant someone’s family didn’t get to see them again. Failure meant pain and loss. Failure was final. There were no do overs. I was in charge of my team. I was in charge of their success and protection. You know how seriously I took that and how fucked up I was over the few times we didn’t succeed.”
With each sentence, his tone grew darker and his eyes flatter. Alyssa’s stomach began to hurt. Her husband was in pain. Serious, soul-crushing pain.
“You are my team now. It’s my responsibility to protect you. To make you happy. And it was my responsibility to do the same for our daughter. So when Katie was diagnosed, we planned. And we attacked. Hard.” His voice cracked. “But it failed. And she died.”
Tears flooded Alyssa’s eyes, but she didn’t bother to stem them. This needed to happen. Actually, this needed to happen a year ago, but she would take it now.
“And then I just kept on failing.”
Huh? Alyssa frowned.
“I abandoned the rest of my team. I let you down. I let you suffer because I couldn’t handle what happened to our little girl. I left you behind.”
“Derek—”
He shook his head. “Just let me say it all. Please.”
“Okay,” she whispered. A feeling of dread overtook her. This wasn’t going to end well. She could feel it deep in her gut.
He hung his head and stared at his lap. “You deserve a man, a husband, who won’t check out when things get hard. I wasn’t that man. And now, with the chance that you might be pregnant, what was my first thought again? To flee. To let you down all over again.”
That was enough. Time to take control of this conversation before it went off the rails. “Derek,” she said. “Derek, look at me, please.”
He lifted his gaze. “Have you noticed how many people have quoted the divorce rate for couples after the loss of a child?” When he didn’t reply, she forged on. “A lot of people. And you want to know why? It’s because what happened to us is horrible. Beyond horrible. It’s unnatural. Parents shouldn’t have to b-bury their children.” A sob stuck in her throat, but she forced it down. Later she could cry her eyes out. For once, her husband needed her to be the strong one, so that’s what she’d do.
She ran her hand over his soft beard and said in a whisper, “It’s the worst thing a couple can go through. And it tears them apart. Now, I love you, and I think you are the most amazing man in the world. But I do not think you are super human. I do not think you are the one man on earth who can experience what we did and remain unaffected and, well, un-fucked up.
“I think the only thing that either of us has done wrong over the past year is to think that our relationship was above breaking. We’re human, just like every other couple. Maybe if we hadn’t been so cocky, we’d have gotten help sooner and wouldn’t have wasted so much time apart from each other. Maggie told me yesterday that now all we’re doing is throwing away more time on misguided guilt.
“And don’t you think my first thought was to run away as well? Pretty natural when facing something as scary as a pregnancy. But we didn’t run. We’re here, talking.”
“I can’t, Lyss. I’m too eaten up with it. The guilt. You need someone who isn’t going to let you down. Someone who is strong enough to handle your fears and worries as well as his own. I don’t know if that is me anymore.” Gently, he scooped her off his lap and deposited her on the couch next to him.
Before she had the chance to react, he’d stood and moved toward the door. There was a heaviness in his step. Alyssa had seen him down and out before. Not often, but he’d suffered some issues with PTSD when they first met. This was different though. This was the walk of a terrified man, and for the first time, real fear chilled her blood.
Nothing she said got through to him. And now he was leaving.
“I need some time,” he said when he reached the door.
“Time for what?” Despite how she tried to be strong, her voice wavered.
“Time to sort out my head. It’s hard enough trying to find a way to forgive myself for being unable to save Katie. Now I have to add the possibility of another child to my list of worries. I’m not sure I can give you what you need anymore.”
She stood as well. “Don’t you think I get to make that decision? About what I need?”
“I love you, Lyss.”
“I know.” And she did. That wasn’t the issue here. The issue was whether or not he could deal with his grief. Because it had turned into guilt, and if he couldn’t deal with it, their marriage might be over. “I love you too, Derek. And I need you. Just you.”
“We’ll see,” he said as he walked out the door.
It was as though he took all the air in the room with him when he left. The air and her strength. Her knees buckled, and she collapsed to the couch, a pain in her chest she’d only felt one other time. The moment she realized her little girl wouldn’t be waking up. Now she might be facing her second horrifying loss.
She’d been filled with such a strong sense of hope when he’d had waltzed into her office earlier. Finally, they were going to connect as Derek and Alyssa and begin the process of moving past their pain, past their grief and guilt, past their loss.
Watching him turn his back and walk away was so much harder this time around. Now she knew what was going on in his head. Knew the demons he was battling were great. But she would help him with those demons. She’d done it before. They’d done it before. Together as a couple.
The taste of him still lingered on her tongue and she licked her bottom lip as though trying to catch any stray molecule of his essence.
And then the anger came. Not for what had happened in the time since Katie passed. But for what happened tonight. For what happened the last time they were together. She’d made it clear that she wanted to fight for their relationship and was willing to get just about any kind of help she could.
But Derek just kept walking out. The Derek she knew and loved wasn’t a quitter. He was a gutter fighter when there was something he felt passionately about.
Maybe that was just it. Maybe all of this, the pain, guilt, fear, and now potential to experience it all over again with a new life, maybe it had snuffed out his desire to fight for them.
Oh, God.
Her stomach pitched, and she dashed back into the bathroom, falling to her knees just in time to lose everything she’d eaten.
With a trembling hand, she wiped her mouth and pressed her fingers to her lips.
He’d come back to her. They’d vowed to remain together.
Through good times and bad.
Sickness and health.
Until death parted them.
But it was supposed to be their own death, not something even worse. Not the death of their child.
With her tattered heart aching, Alyssa slumped against the wall of the bathroom and sobbed for all she’d lost and all she still might lose.