Chapter Five
Two years ago
Alyssa’s foot tapped a rapid rhythm on the threadbare carpet while all ten chewed fingernails drummed on the wooden armrest of the waiting room chair. For the past two days, she’d had a tornado of stress and worry spiraling in her mind.
She filled her cheeks with air and blew out a long, slow breath.
Five after ten.
Their appointment was ten o’clock. What was taking so long? There should really be some sort of law against physicians running late when life-altering information hung in the balance.
Derek’s warm palm slid over her hand, stilling the incessant movement. “Baby, relax,” he said. “Everything is going to be fine. You know what Dr. Oakes said. This is just a precaution. Covering all their bases. He even admitted it was probably overkill.”
No one was better under pressure than Derek. Probably came from ten years in the Navy, six spent as a SEAL. Couldn’t have hacked it in Special Forces if he’d been prone to panicking in high-stress situations. Even though it had been years since he left the Navy, that calm, coolness in the face of…well, anything, stuck with him.
Alyssa on the other hand? Well, she was practically crawling out of her skin.
She flipped her hand over and interlaced their fingers. The other hand, though, still fidgeted like it was attached to a live wire.
“Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, come on back to my office.” Dr. Oakes hovered in the doorway that led from the waiting area to offices and treatment rooms. Older than her by at least twenty-five years, the physician had a grandfatherly look about him. Gray hair, twinkling eyes, kind smile.
Children warmed to him in an instant, even when they knew he was the one giving out shots. There was just a comforting way about him. He’d really found his calling as a pediatrician.
Why was Dr. Oakes himself the one coming out to the waiting room to fetch them? Wasn’t that the medical assistant’s job? Did that mean he had bad news? Or was the assistant just busy? Could it be he came out himself because the news was good, and he didn’t want them to stress unnecessarily?
“Come on, Katie bug.” Derek clasped their three-year-old daughter’s hand as their little family headed toward the doctor.
This had to be what some poor prisoner felt like when a pirate made them walk the plank. One foot in front of the other until the end appeared. Then, nowhere to go but down, down, down to a swirling sea of horrors.
Geez, the negative thinking needed to stop, but controlling the obsessive thoughts wasn’t easy.
She was going to make herself sick.
“Breathe, babe,” Derek said as though he could sense her racing thoughts. His dark gaze held hers, strong and steady.
“Well, hey there, Katie,” Dr. Oakes said, crouching and giving their little towhead a playful tug on her pigtail. She’d been all about the pigtails over the past few weeks, insisting on wearing her hair in the style every moment of every day. She’d even begged to sleep in them and it was a battle Alyssa didn’t feel was worth fighting so she’d allowed it.
“Hi, Dr. Oates,” Katie said with a sunny smile.
Alyssa smiled herself. That darn K sound tripped their daughter up every time. Even her own name came out as Tatie.
“Do you and your parents want to come with me for a bit? I’ve got some toys you can play with down the hall.”
“Yes! Can we, mommy? Can we?” The high level of enthusiasm their three-year-old displayed over any and everything never failed to amuse her and Derek. It was as though she was offered a trip to Disney instead of a walk down the hall.
“Sure thing, sweetie. Just follow Dr. Oakes.”
Katie bounded after the doctor with her and Derek only a few steps behind.
“I’m going to let her play in this room here,” Dr. Oakes said as he paused outside a small playroom. “There’s plenty to keep her busy and Melissa, one of my nurses will stay with her the whole time.”
Oh God. He didn’t want Katie in the room. That could only mean one thing.
“Go right on in and play, sweetie,” he said to Katie. “I’m going to talk to your mom and dad for a bit. You can stay in here, so you don’t get bored listening to all the grown-up talk.” He said the words as though grown-up talk had a disgusting flavor to it.
Katie giggled. Okay, so he didn’t want her bored. That could mean the news wasn’t horrible. Jesus, she was going crazy.
He turned to her and Derek. “My office is just here, next door, and there’s a large widow so you can see her playing.”
With a wave for Katie and the older nurse, they followed him into the next room.
“Have a seat, please,” Dr. Oakes said as they entered the small office. There wasn’t anything special about the space. Just a desk, two chairs, and bookshelf littered with medical texts and journals.
Alyssa’s decorator’s eye cringed at the white walls devoid of anything save for a few framed diplomas and a medical license. The workspace needed a good revamp. It should be colorful and playful, especially since children were often around.
Shaking herself back to the moment, she sat and waited for Derek to join her. She tried to concentrate on steadying the in and out of her breathing when what she really wanted to do was lunge across the desk and shake the doctor until he gave them promising news.
Once all three adults were seated and Katie was playing with blocks next door and blissfully unaware that those adults were discussing her, Dr. Oakes began.
“So, how’s Katie feeling today?” he asked.
Ugh. Alyssa just wanted him to get straight to it. Though it had only been two days since the bone marrow biopsy, it felt like an eternity and another few seconds of uncertainty seemed impossible to endure.
“Pretty well,” Derek said. “No fever today. She ate a little more breakfast and is just a little sore from the procedure.”
Dr. Oakes nodded and shuffled through a haphazard pile of papers on his desk. Alyssa stared at him, hard, dissecting his features for any indication of how this meeting was going to play out.
Did that wrinkle between his eyes mean he had bad news?
Wait, a smile. That had to be positive, right?
He scratched his chin. What could that mean?
Derek squeezed her hand. He was so in tune with her. She sent him a grateful smile and returned the grip. She loved the man more than she ever thought it was possible to love someone.
“Good to hear.” Dr. Oakes said. “So, just to review, my main concerns with Katie were the nausea and weight loss, fatigue, and fevers. Usually, these symptoms are associated with either viral or bacterial infections. We become concerned, however, when the symptoms do not respond to treatment as has been the case with Katie. Combine that with the easy bruising you’re reporting, and the nosebleeds, and it was time to start digging a bit deeper, hence the bone marrow biopsy.”
He sighed. A long, troubled, deep sigh. Then he raised his head and stared straight into her eyes.
Alyssa’s stomach plummeted straight to the floor. In that instant, she knew what was coming and had the strong and juvenile urge to close her eyes, plug her ears and scream, “la la la,” at the top of her lungs.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to give it to you straight.”
No. No, no, no.
Derek’s hold on her hand tightened to the point of painful, but she didn’t object. It was the only thing keeping her from flying out of the seat and running away from reality.
“Katie’s official diagnosis is Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia.”
A low buzzing started in Alyssa’s ears and increased in volume until it drowned out the rest of the doctor’s words. The medical world was a mystery to her, but she knew the word leukemia meant cancer. And she knew cancer was bad. As in worst case scenario bad.
Oh God. Not my baby.
Not her perfect, innocent baby girl with the blond pigtails. She stared at her daughter through the glass. Oblivious to the conversation, Katie giggled as her tower of blocks grew too high and toppled.
An impending sob clawed at her throat, but she somehow forced it down. Later, she could lose it. Later, she could rage and cry until her eyes felt like sandpaper and her throat was raw. But not now. Not in front of Katie.
Through the roaring in her ears, she caught words like oncologist, chemotherapy, hospitalization and for a few moments, she worried she’d throw up. She should have questions. Hundreds of questions. But nothing came. Her brain couldn’t process the words being said. After an unknown amount of time, she felt a gentle tug on her arm.
Derek was standing next to her chair, one hand on her upper back and one cupping her elbow. She blinked. Apparently, the meeting was over. Rising with robotic, jerky movements, she nodded to the doctor whose face was sad and sympathetic. Then she turned and followed Derek out of the office.
Thank God, her brain seemed to a have an automatic mode because she couldn’t have functioned otherwise.
Left foot. Right foot. Her muscles triggered of their own accord, guiding her to the exit.
“Are you okay, Mommy?” Katie slipped her hand into Alyssa’s and peered up while they walked toward the car. Her little forehead was furrowed and eyes wide. “You look sad. Don’t be sad, mommy. I love you.”
The ache those few sweet words caused was nearly crushing in its force. Alyssa swallowed her despair and smiled the biggest smile she could muster. Which was probably only a fraction of what she usually gifted her daughter. But it was better than nothing. There was no way she’d let her daughter know how distraught she was.
So, she pulled herself together and scooped Katie up, carrying her the rest of the way toward the car. Derek slipped his arm around her waist. His presence helped bolster her and provided the strength she needed to be positive for Katie. “I’m great, sweetie. Are you excited to go out to lunch with Aunt Roxie?”
“Yes!” Katie said. “I want chiten nuggets.”
Derek ruffled her hair. “I’m sure Aunt Roxie will get you whatever you want, bug. She always spoils you.” He buckled Katie into her car seat, shut the door, then cupped Alyssa’s face.
“Fifteen minutes, babe. Just have to hold it together for fifteen more minutes, then you can lose it. Okay?”
“O-okay.”
About twenty seconds after they parked in their driveway, Roxie’s Toyota pulled in behind them. As soon as she was unbuckled, Katie ran to greet her and climbed right into Roxie’s car. Roxie had purchased a car seat before Katie was even born. She’d been almost as excited as Alyssa and Derek for the little girl they’d be bringing into the world. Since day one, she’d spent a ton of time with her goddaughter.
“Hey, you okay?” Roxie asked.
“Um, yeah. I’m good,” Alyssa said in what she was sure was a totally unconvincing voice. “Headache.”
Roxie narrowed her eyes. “Okay, if you say so. I’ll bring her back in a few hours. Have fun, you two crazy kids.” She winked and slipped into her car, driving off with a cheerful wave.
“Come on, Lyss. Let’s go in the house.”
The moment the door closed, Alyssa said, “It’s my fault. My punishment for all my sins, Derek. For turning away from my family. For barely speaking to them.”
He gripped her face between his rough hands and looked her straight in the eye. “Lyss, stop. That’s not true and you damn well know it. That’s your father talking. And it’s garbage. You’re just freaking out and not thinking clearly.”
He was right. No one had caused this. It was just horrible luck—or unluck—of the draw.
Suddenly the magnitude of what they were about to face hit her with a powerful force. The fear, pain, and helplessness were crushing. It was as though the air itself had weight to it and pressed into her from all angles, hard enough to grind her to dust.
Her forehead dropped to Derek’s chest and she lost the battle to remain stoic. Giant tears fell from her eyes and she cried the ugliest cry she could ever remember crying. Derek’s arms banded around her, and he held her close through the full-body sobs. He whispered to her, stroked her hair, and rocked her back and forth right there in their foyer. The soft brush of his beard against her cheek and the familiar scent of beard oil comforted her more than any words could have.
When she finally calmed, she looked up at him. His eyes were glassy and his face as tragic as hers had to be. Immediately, the heavy weight of shame and selfishness pressed down on her shoulders. Here he was, comforting her when Katie was his daughter too, and he had to be as wrecked as she was.
“What are we going to do, Der?” she asked, her throat ravaged from the crying jag.
“The only thing we can do, baby. Fight like hell. She’s a tough kiddo. She’s gonna kick this in the ass. And we’ll be right by her side every step of the way.”
She was a tough kid, they were by her side every step of the way, and they’d fought it with every weapon in their specialist’s arsenal. But it hadn’t worked, and after months of grueling treatment, the oncologist gave them the news that came with a pain so great Alyssa couldn’t breathe.
The treatment wasn’t working. Ineffective was the word he’d used. Still made her sick to her stomach every time she heard that word.
Her baby wasn’t going to make it.
In the privacy of her room, she’d railed and screamed and shed so many tears she could have filled a pool, but in front of Katie, she’d always tried to put on a happy face.
They’d lost the battle.
A little piece of her heart died right alongside her only child.