“YOU’RE MY NORTH, south, east, and west, baby. Where you are, is where I want to be.”
Our first Christmas as a married couple ran on repeat in my head as I fingered the dainty gold compass that hung from my neck. Hunter had surprised me with it that year and I’d worn it every day since. I still hadn’t taken it off. I mean, there would probably come a time when I should because its meaning was no longer valid. But it reminded me of the past. The good old days. Days I still hadn’t let go of, almost a year after the divorce.
God, we were so happy back then. So young. That was probably where we went wrong. You tend to see things differently through the eyes of young love. You forget to factor in that there’s so much life left to conquer. I guess I always imagined we’d conquer it together. A Hunterless future was my new norm, but it was still hard to grasp. And no matter how hard I tried to get past it, I remained stuck in that deep, endless void of missing him. Of missing us.
I missed him so much that stalking his Facebook page and reading through old text messages was still a part of my daily routine. I sipped my coffee before heading to work and wallowed in his absence. It wasn’t healthy, but then again, neither was everything we’d been through.
Even still, I struggled with this new state of emptiness. I’d spent the last year alone. Dodging set-ups from my friends and advances from random strangers—and Bryce. But I knew deep down in my core that my heart was built to love, to beat for someone else. While I was once certain Hunter would be that person for the rest of my life, life obviously had other plans.
I didn’t like this somber version of myself. The girl who took on extra clients to occupy an entire work day and doted on her mother hand and foot to avoid any sort of a social life. I hated the sadness that swarmed over me, a sky of muted hues in place of the vivid colors that once fed my soul.
It was why I couldn’t bring myself to call Bryce after he asked me out for that drink over two weeks ago. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I was still so out of sorts, removed from the London everyone knew me to be. I wanted to break free from this cloud of grief, but I wasn’t sure whether I was ready to date someone, or to be with another man at all.
I quickly closed the laptop when I heard Mom coming down the stairs. If she ever caught wind of how tightly I still held on to Hunter it would turn into another three-hour therapy session.
“Good morning.” She yawned and bent to kiss the top of my head.
“Morning.” I grabbed her hand that rested on my shoulder and gave it a light pat.
I loved her affection—there was no denying I needed it right now—but I hated that she treated me like a fragile bird. If anything, I should have been coddling her. She was the one whose body was failing her. She was the fragile bird.
“I’m making a pot roast in the crockpot today. You’ll be home for dinner, right?”
“Yep, I’ll be home. I’ve got nowhere else to be.” I grumbled the last part, almost inaudibly. God forgive me for acting like a petulant child. I didn’t like that she worried about me, kept tabs on me. We were both adults. This was so unnatural.
“Great.” Ignorant to my inner turmoil, she busied herself by preparing her coffee. “Cynthia and Debbie are coming over for lunch at noon. What’s on your agenda?”
I stood from the table and tucked my laptop under my arm. “Work. Then home. Same as every day.” My tone was harsher than I intended it to be, but I couldn’t help it. My life had become mundane in the most depressing way possible.
“I can save the pot roast for tomorrow. Why don’t you go out tonight? Maybe Allie and Emilia want to see that new movie everyone’s talking about, or what about calling that doc—”
The tips of my ears burned hot with rage. “Mom. No.” Not this again. I should’ve never told her about Bryce. She’d been having a rough day after her treatment and I thought it would make her feel better to know her daughter caught the eye of a handsome doctor. That someone made me smile again, even if only for a brief moment.
She paused at the sink, staring out at the hydrangea bushes in the yard. For a moment, relief washed over me because I thought for once she might actually heed my warning. But when she turned around with tears in her eyes, it was clear I wasn’t so lucky. “Why not? Who’s it hurting to enjoy yourself for one night? I love having you here, but I hate seeing you like this. I hate that I can’t make this pain go away.”
“You think I want to feel like this? You think I like being alone or that I’m happy I had to move back home with my mother like some . . . failure?” That was a sucker-punch to my mother’s gut. I could tell by her trembling frown, the protruding vein in her forehead.
“I’m sorry.” I didn’t mean to be a bitch. Insulting her was not my intention, I was only being honest. Whoever said honesty was the best policy didn’t have a sensitive mother like mine.
I rushed to her side and wrapped my arms around her small frame. She didn’t deserve this; she was only trying to help. “I am so grateful you took me in. I don’t know what I’d do without you. It’s just . . . it’s like I’ve taken so many steps back. I know we can’t always predict the future, but I definitely never envisioned this.” My shoulders relaxed as if admitting that was a weight off my back. I sighed, slowing my breaths, and confessed another truth. “I’m trying really hard to accept this new reality, but even after all this time . . . I’m still so damn blindsided.”
“I know, baby. I’m sorry, too.” Her voice trembled with sadness but she sniffed back her tears and looked into my eyes so deeply it was as if she were trying to send the message directly to my heart. “The last thing I want is for you is to end up like me.”
I took a step back then and held her at arm’s length. My mother may have been fighting a war inside her body, struggling to survive, but on the outside she was still as perfect as ever. Beautiful. Timeless. Deserving of so much more than what life had dished her way.
I caressed her face the way she would mine. At almost fifty-eight and with everything she’d been through, she had very few creases or lines. I bit back my own tears, knowing she needed my encouragement now more than I needed hers. “You are the woman I have always wanted to be. No one is perfect, but you are damn near flawless, and not having a husband will never change that. You did the job of a mother and a father—hell, you did the job of an army raising me and Memphis—and here I am, putting you back to work when you should be enjoying your freedom.”
“That’s just the thing,” she cried. “Sometimes all that freedom is a great big curse.”
I understood. Boy, did I. I also understood that it was killing my mother to see me this way. I had the power to erase her pain and here I was being selfish.
Something’s gotta give. You’re not being fair. She’s given you everything.
I had to grow a set and stop acting like a child. It was time to move forward even if I wasn’t entirely ready to loosen my grip on the past. “Well, then . . . why don’t we make a deal?” I jutted my chin with a smile.
Mom looked at me with her eyes narrowed skeptically, but then a tiny grin appeared on her lips too. “A deal?”
“Yeah, a mother-daughter promise.”
She nodded with a soft giggle. “Sounds like serious business. And you know I’ve never broken a promise to you, even when your demands were nothing short of ridiculous.”
I laughed, remembering the hell I put my poor mother through. “You mean like that time I made you promise to write a letter to the entire cast of Full House, inviting them to my birthday party?”
“Mmm hmm. You hovered over me like a hawk while I wrote it, addressed it to the fan club, and hand delivered it to the postman.”
“They didn’t come, though.” I pouted through a giggle.
“Oh, I know. You made sure to remind me of it every day until the following summer when I had to promise I’d let you audition for that singing competition show.”
I slapped my forehead. My mother never could tell me no, even if I had no business trying out for anything that showcased my inability to carry out even the simplest tune. “God, I was such a brat. How did you put up with me?”
She shook her head and smiled. “You were—you are—my world. I’d do anything to make you happy.”
I didn’t doubt her selflessness; I only hoped I could match it one of these days. “Maybe it’s time I pay it forward and stop being a pain in the ass?”
“Wouldn’t hurt.” She laughed, swiping at the remainder of her tears. “Is this where you promise me you’ll call that doctor?”
I pursed my lips and closed my eyes, sucking in a deep breath through my nose. “While I will think about calling Bryce, our deal is kind of two-fold. You up for the challenge?”
“What’ve I got to lose?” I imagined her shrug meant she was trying to be indifferent. But nothing about the wave of emotions that washed across her face was indifferent. She’d spent most of her adult life as a single working mother, and very little of it doing anything for herself. There were a few boyfriends over the years, but no one serious enough to settle down with. She swore that’s the way she liked it, but being in her shoes now, I imagined she wore a brave face for me and my brother. Humans were not predestined for solitude. Everyone deserved a soul mate. People craved love. It was what made the world go ’round. At least, that’s what I believed. I always would.
“I think it’s time we use all this freedom for good. You only live once, and all that good vibes BS. I’ll stop moping around here and promise not to be the raging bitch I’ve been this past year, if you promise to stop worrying about me and take care of you.”
Blue irises glistened in the bright morning sun beneath a veil of fallen tears. And then a warm smile reached her eyes. I took her compliance, her contentment, as an opportunity to throw in one last part to our deal. “And you’ll finally go out with Mr. Cooper. Give the poor guy a chance already. He’s had a hard-on for you for years.”
“London!” Her hand flew up to her mouth.
It wasn’t unlike me to make my mother blush, but she was very private about her sex life—as most mothers are—and I was sure my request came out of left field. “Well, do we have a deal or not?” I anticipated a rebuttal having to do with Bryce.
But instead, Mom puckered her lips in a sexy Marilyn Monroe-like pose. “Mr. Cooper is pretty hot.”
Laughter ricocheted around us and before long we were both holding our stomachs right there in the middle of the kitchen.
The idea of my mother and that silver fox going at it like teenagers should have grossed me out. Regardless of what form my mother’s happiness came in, it was what mattered most. Life was fleeting. Who knew what would happen next? Mom had always been my role model. Maybe if she put her best foot forward, I’d find the strength to follow her lead.