Chapter 17
Simone
My heart was broken. Completely broken. The moment the door closed behind Kyle I fell to the floor, a total sobbing mess. I hadn’t stopped crying for the last thirty minutes. I heard Stella start to stir in her room. I was grateful she had slept as long as she had. I needed to pull myself together and take care of my daughter. No matter what other crap was going on in my life, I would not ignore Stella when she needed me.
I pushed myself up off the floor then shuffled to her room. Picking my daughter up out of her crib, she looked at my face and her mouth turned down at the corners. “Mama sad?” she asked.
“Mama’s okay, baby girl,” I told her, trying to sound cheerful.
My heart may have been crushed, but I was determined to make this the best Christmas for my daughter.
Her eyes darted around when we entered the living room. “Where’s Ky?” she asked, looking for the man who had just walked out on us.
I understood he needed some time to think things through, but to walk away without letting me explain? That wasn’t fair and that wasn’t the Kyle I had come to love. He knew how upset I had been about Brad walking out of Stella’s life and I couldn’t believe he was going to do the same thing.
Speaking of Brad—I was furious with him. First, I had no idea he had taken any pictures that first night we were together. Second, why was he determined to hurt me so bad? He had to have suspected Kyle would react horribly based on his childhood and dealing with his mother’s drug use. I still didn’t believe he wanted to be with me, despite him coming over a few weeks ago, so that wasn’t his motivation. If anything, I had been more than fair during our divorce. Why was he punishing me?
My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to send a text him. I went back to the couch and sat down with Stella then grabbed my cell phone I’d thrown there earlier
Me: Why?
He would know exactly what I was asking and I didn’t want to say much more than that to him. Knowing him, if I started to rant he would just ignore me.
I heard my phone buzz and I dreaded what I was about to read. When I picked it up to look at the screen I was surprised to see a text from Marla.
Marla: This is last minute but I was wondering if Stella could come spend the night? We’re getting a tree tomorrow and thought it would be fun to take her.
Knowing how much fun Stella had today shopping for the tree and then decorating, I knew she would enjoy another round with her grandparents. I had talked with Jim and Marla about not scheduling Saturday visitations anymore after Brad had shown up unannounced a couple weeks ago. I knew they loved having her whenever they could. But if I wasn’t scheduled to work Saturdays, I started to keep her with me. They watched her when I worked so they still had a lot of time together. However, if one of us could have a happy weekend, I’d prefer it be my baby girl. She didn’t need to hear me moping and crying.
Me: Sure. Would you like me to bring her over to your house?
Marla: Trent is coming over in a little bit. He said he could pick her up on his way if you’re okay with that.
While I wasn’t too keen on seeing anyone given my emotional state, I figured I could hide my devastation from Trent much easier than I could from Marla. Marla’s mothering senses were strong. No one could hide anything from her watchful eye. It was one of the many things that made her a wonderful mother.
Me: That’s fine with me.
Marla: He said he would be there in about an hour. Does that work?
Me: Yes, it does.
“Hey, sweetie, you’re going to spend the night with Grandma and Grandpa. How does that sound?” I asked my daughter who had climbed off my lap and was now inspecting our tree.
“Yay! Gramma’s house!” she said enthusiastically as she started dancing around to the Christmas music I hadn’t noticed was still playing.
I went into her room to pack an overnight bag. Then I went to the kitchen to make her a snack. I knew Marla would feed her dinner, but Stella had been going through a growth spurt and seemed to be hungry all the time.
While we waited for Trent to come pick her up, Stella and I started to watch a Disney movie together on the couch. Having to take care of Stella was helping keep my mind off of Kyle and the cuddles were soothing to my soul. Admittedly, I was worried about what would happen as soon as she left. I could still feel the pain in my chest and knew it was going to get worse when I didn’t have anything to distract me.
A while later, I heard a knock at my door. I pushed myself up off the couch, the mental exhaustion from the day finally catching up with me. I opened the door and invited Trent to come in.
“Unky Trent!” Stella yelled as she slid off the couch and ran to him. He picked her up and hugged her tightly to him. At least Trent would always be a positive male role model in her life. The thought made me both happy and sad. I knew she would never feel the sting of abandonment from her doting uncle, but I wanted her to have Kyle in her life as well. He would have made an excellent father.
Trent looked at me and my face must have given me away. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, placing a comforting arm around me.
“Just a really bad day,” I told him honestly.
“Where’s Kyle?” he asked, looking around my apartment like he was expecting to see him. “He told me he was going to be over here all day.”
That was enough to set off the waterworks. My soft cries soon turned into gasping sobs and I couldn’t seem to stop.
“Oh shit, what happened?” Trent asked, pulling me into a hug.
“Your brother happened,” I managed to get out, not hiding the venom in those three words.
“What do you mean?” he asked slowly. He pulled back, a hard look on his face. “What did Brad do this time?”
He placed Stella on the couch so she could continue watching her movie. Then he guided me over to the dining table so we could talk freely. Once I was able to speak through the sobs, I told him every embarrassing and humiliating thing about my fight with Kyle. I told him about Kyle finding the drugs in the storage closet and then the texts that Brad sent over when we questioned him about the drugs. I was so embarrassed sharing the details of my behavior from that night three years ago, but once I started I couldn’t stop.
Once I was finished I couldn’t look up at Trent. I was completely humiliated and the silence between us was making me even more uncomfortable. I was just about to stand up and go to my bedroom when Trent finally spoke.
“Simone, I’m so sorry,” he said, placing his hand on mine. “I’m not excusing Kyle’s behavior, and he should have stayed and talked things out with you, but you have to understand his childhood screwed him up more than he is willing to admit. Finding his mother after she had OD’d gave him serious trust issues. She had promised him that she was clean and he believed her whole-heartedly. This has less to do with you and more to do with what he’s been through.”
“I understand that. I really do,” I said, wiping at my hot face. I felt like I’d been crying for hours. “But it’s still painful knowing he didn’t trust me enough to believe me when I told him it was a one-time thing. It hurts even more that he walked out on Stella.”
“Just give him some time. I know he loves you. It’s obvious to anyone who sees the two of you together. I’m sure he’ll come around eventually,” he urged, kissing me on the top of the head and squeezing my shoulders.
I wanted that to be true. Even though I was mad at Kyle for walking out, if he came over right now I would welcome him back in a heartbeat. I loved him that much. I’d give Kyle a second chance. Not just for Stella, but for me because this whole thing was messed up and it was Brad’s doing. I had to remember that his goal was to destroy what I had with Kyle any way he could, probably just to spite me for messing up the easy life he had before I came into it.
Trent stood up from the table and walked back to the living room. “Hey, munchkin, you ready to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house?” he asked Stella.
“Yea,” she answered, a little uncertain and looking back at me. Obviously I wasn’t doing a good job of hiding my heartbreak from my daughter.
I gave her a weak smile. “Go get Mr. Animal, okay?”
With another uncertain look, she walked over to me, and gave me a hug when I pulled her into my arms. “Wuv you, Mama,” she said so sweetly that I nearly started to cry again. But I didn’t. I set her on the floor and she ran off to grab her favorite stuffed animal.
“Do me a favor,” Trent said, turning his attention back to me. “Go out for a walk or something after I leave. I don’t want you sitting around here crying. That isn’t good for you. I’d take you with me to my parents’, but you don’t need the third degree from Mom and I think you need some time to yourself. Plus… Kyle might actually realize he’s being an ass and come back. Though it’d serve him right to find an empty apartment…”
I smiled up at him. It was nice to hear his anger on my behalf. “I may go out and get myself some dinner, but I can’t promise I won’t spend the night crying,” I told him. “But I’ll try, for you.”
He sighed, shaking his head. “What a mess,” he bemoaned. “Fucking Brad. I can’t believe we share the same DNA.” His grimaced then forced himself to calm down when Stella came back with Mr. Animal. “Well, if you need anything, please call or text me. I’ll be here if you need me.” He gave me a hard look until I gave him a nod of obedience. “Good.” Then he picked Stella up and headed to my door. I picked up her bags and handed them to him, which he easily handled on top of an excited two-year-old toddler.
“Thank you, Trent,” I said, and he smiled back at me. I gave him another kiss on the cheek and then kissed my daughter’s face. I waved, and watched the two of them go down the stairs then closed the door behind them.
As soon as I sat down on the couch I heard my text alert go off again. Hoping it was Kyle, I grabbed it and turned it on only to see a text from Brad.
Brad: Kyle deserved to know the real you. You’re always trying to act better than everyone else. You both needed a reminder of your trashy past.
That was a low blow. Brad knew that my background was a sore subject for me. During our relationship he often reminded me that I was unwanted and undesirable. I had worked hard, with the help of my therapist, to try to overcome the many terrible things I had been through in my childhood and marriage.
But now, sitting here by myself, I was reminded that no one would stick around forever. I was truly alone in this world except for my daughter. Yes, Brad’s family was kind and treated me well, but if I didn’t have Stella I’m not sure they would have stuck by my side.
A few minutes after Trent left, I went out to my favorite Mexican restaurant and got dinner to go. Unfortunately, once I got home, I realized I didn’t have much of an appetite. Instead, I lay on my couch and turned on the television. It didn’t matter what was on because I wasn’t really paying attention to it. I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I didn’t bother to wipe them away or make an effort to stop them. It was a waste of time anyway. Nothing was going to stop me from crying at this point. I grabbed my phone again and started to type out a message to Kyle. But then I thought if he wanted to talk to me, he would have reached out to me. He said he needed some time to think. I owed it to him to give him that time. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the couch.
Abruptly, I opened my eyes, feeling heavy and disoriented. I pushed myself up and looked around my apartment, seeing that it was dark. I had no idea how long I had been asleep. I looked out my sliding door and could see a hint of soft light coming over the horizon so I knew it was early in the morning. My throat was sore from my sobs, my nose was stuffy, and my eyes felt so swollen it hurt to open them all the way.
I got up off the couch and walked down the hallway to the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror I was horrified by my reflection. My mascara had made large tracks down my face. Not only were my eyes swollen, they were also red and I had ghastly dark circles under my eyes.
I hopped in the shower in an effort to clean up a bit and hoped it would make me feel a bit better. I washed my hair and took time rinsing the shampoo out. I let the hot water run over my head and down my face for several minutes while trying to clear my mind of any thoughts of Kyle.
I managed to get myself dressed and made some toast and coffee. I still wasn’t hungry, but figured I needed to eat something since I had skipped dinner. Walking into the living room and seeing all the Christmas decorations we had worked on together made me start crying all over again. I really needed to get a grip. I was heartbroken that Kyle left me, but I was a strong woman and I had a daughter I needed to take care of. I would allow myself to mourn the loss of our relationship today while I was by myself but as soon as I had Stella back I was going to make an attempt to just focus on her.
I knew in my heart that it was unlikely that I could get over it that quickly, I just had to make an effort. Sitting around and crying over Kyle wasn’t going to bring him back. He needed to figure things out on his own and decide if he wanted to continue a relationship with me.
Later that afternoon, I drove over to Jim and Marla’s to pick up Stella. I was dreading going over there since I had no idea if Trent had shared anything with them regarding Kyle and me. I knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer.
The door opened and I made eye contact with the last person I expected to see today.
“Hey,” Brad said as he pulled the door open for me to enter the house.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded bluntly, letting my hatred for him shine through.
He had this awful Joker-like smile plastered on his face. “Actually, I was just leaving,” he said as I pushed past him.
“Mama!” Stella shrieked when she saw me. I kneeled down as soon as she reached me and gave her a huge hug and kiss.
“I missed you, baby girl. Did you have fun with Grandma and Grandpa?” I asked.
“We had lots of fun,” I heard Jim announce from the living room. “She picked out the best tree at the lot and we’ve spent all day decorating.”
I gave him a small smile, feeling uncomfortable with Brad in the same room. I realized that Stella wasn’t interacting with her father at all and I wondered if he’d even tried to spend any time with her while he had been here.
“Well, I’m taking off,” Brad announced, speaking more to his dad than to me.
“Um… Brad can I talk to you for a minute before you leave?” I asked, hating to go back to that subservient Simone who was always timid and meek. But at least this time, I was determined to get answers.
“Make it quick,” he said, checking his phone and effecting a bored air, “I have some people I’m meeting up with.”
“Hey, Stella, let’s go see if Grandma’s cookies have cooled off,” Jim said, removing Stella from the tense situation that was forming in the entryway.
“How long have those drugs been in the storage closet?” I demanded.
“No idea what you’re talking about, Simone,” he said, smirking.
“You’ve got to be kidding me, Brad! You know they weren’t mine. When I caught you with Tiffany I saw the coke on the bedside table. You’ve obviously used since that night three years ago. Why can’t you just be honest with me for once?!” I said, raising my voice. I didn’t care if Jim and Marla heard. I was mad I’d never told them about this before.
His expression became ugly, his lips turning into a snarl as he spat out, “Why should I tell you anything? Just so you can use it against me later? You’re just pissed off because Kyle found out the kind of behavior you’re capable of and left you. I can’t help it if he doesn’t want to date a coke whore.”
“Brad!” I heard Marla gasp from the doorway.
“I’m outta here,” he said, not letting his mother say another word. He walked out the door without a backward glance.
I felt the tears prick at my eyes as I turned around to face Marla. “It’s not true what he said, I swear!”
“Oh, sweetie…” Marla said, coming over and wrapping her arms around me. As soon as I was in her arms, the dam broke open and my tears soaked her shirt.
“I promise, I’m not doing drugs…” I trailed off. I didn’t know what else to say. What if she didn’t believe me? What if her and Jim believed Brad and thought Stella would be better off with them?
“Simone, look at me,” Marla said placing both hands on the side of my face. “I believe you.” Those three words were so powerful.
I was able to calm myself a little. “Everything is totally screwed up,” I said tearfully, thankful I wasn’t sobbing. “And the worst part is I allowed another man to walk out of Stella’s life. What kind of mother am I if I can’t even protect her from the men I pick?”
“There is no excuse for Brad’s behavior. He’s hit rock bottom, from what we can tell,” she said, still trying to calm me down. "Jim and I can only hope he gets help before things get worse. As far as things with Kyle, I have faith they will work out. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I have never seen him look at someone the way he looks at you. He loves you and love can overcome a lot.”
“Oh, Marla, I’m not sure love can overcome this. What he saw is most definitely a hard limit for him, and I’m not sure the truth is enough for him to be able to let it go,” I said. I pulled back and tried to have more control over my emotions.
I went to pack up Stella’s clothing and toys feeling the exhaustion of the last twenty-four hours wash over me. I wasn’t sure why Brad had been over here and it wasn’t my business. I could have asked his parents but, frankly, I didn’t feel like talking anymore. I just wanted to get back to my apartment.
I drove Stella and myself back home, trying not to overthink everything and dwell on how my life had once again been turned upside down. Nothing lasts forever, I thought, especially for me.
Back inside the apartment, I spent the evening just snuggling with my baby on the couch feeling some happiness for the first time since Kyle walked out and Brad had managed to hurt me, once again.
After some mother-daughter bonding time, I gave her a bath and read her a story before putting her down for the night.
“I wuv you, Mama,” she said sleepily. It’s like she knew I needed to hear that on repeat, and it made me feel better. I tucked her in tight, glad she didn’t seem to bothered by my emotional rollercoaster.
“I love you, too, sweetheart,” I said, and kissed her on the forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning.” Then I walked out and closed the door behind me.
I went through my nighttime routine, washing my face, brushing my teeth, and changing into pajamas. All my movements were mechanical, like a robot with no thought, and I was glad to be operating on autopilot. I had to work tomorrow so Stella was going to spend the evening with Kayla. I re-packed her bag so I wouldn’t have to do it in the morning. I climbed into bed around nine and looked at my phone again. I still hadn’t heard from Kyle. Deciding I couldn’t go to sleep without reaching out to him, I scrolled through my contacts to his name and sent him a text.
Me: I miss you.
That was all. I had so much more I wanted to say to him but that would have to do for tonight. I held onto my phone hoping to hear from him. I fell asleep with the phone next to me, but it never went off. I took that as confirmation he really was done with me.