Chapter Eight
Mackson
I storm into the garage, slamming the glass sliding door behind me and halt at the workbench. I lean over the greasy surface, my hands bunched into fists as I desperately try to calm my rapid breathing as my heart struggles against my body and mind. I’m fighting every fiber in my muscles and veins, they’re like tiny magnets that are stretching through my skin, trying with all their might to propel me out of this garage, through my house and straight to Lana.
She didn’t say a word on the way home from the hospital as if there was nothing left inside of her anymore. I know her heart is truly my other half, because I swear I could hear the fracture through her chest echo around the bathroom when my heart broke alongside hers.
Growing up, I never saw Lana stand up for herself, she let things happen and she didn’t change them. The woman I saw today is far from that insecure girl I left behind. She took a hit, and still stood strong wanting to help her brother. I wanted to carry her out of the bathroom and demand she never see him again. It took everything for me to remember I’m not her knight in shining armor, I’m the man she didn’t believe in, someone she let go all too easily.
Anger seeps into every crevice and vein in my body. I can’t hold it in any longer. My heart beating uncontrollably, I slam my hands along the workbench, shoving all the tools and engine parts in my way to the ground. Thankfully the thundering of metal hitting the concrete floor drown out my tormented roar. My chest rises and falls painfully. I turn around and stare through the glass doors, up at my home. My eyes feel as if they could burn a hole right through the wall to the bedroom, where I know Lana is probably curled into a ball, crying.
In a perfect world, I’d take her to my bed and make her forget. My fingers would caress every inch of my Dove’s skin, and my stare would convey the thoughts in my mind as I’d remember each and every moment I fell more in love with her. Each thrust inside her would be a new promise that my devotion is forever. My rough kisses would sear Lana’s memories, causing the ashes of the past and present to float away. They have no place in the world or the future I would build just for her. She would never need another person again.
But the world I live in is far from perfect.
***
Dark shadows begin to creep over the engine I’m working on. Work has been a great distraction to stop my mind from wandering back to Lana. I think about turning on the garage lights to keep going, but I decide it’s time to call it a day. If I could stay out here until I know my brothers are asleep to avoid their knowing stares, I would, but I’ve held myself off as long as I can to go in and check on Lana.
I hope she’s eaten, showered and talked to one or all my brothers. I hope she gets all the shit she’s been through today off her chest because I don’t know if I can keep my distance if I see her break down again.
I scrub my hands with soap in the garage sink, dry them and walk out through the glass door I almost shattered earlier when I felt so raw. Walking across my backyard, the first thing I notice is the fresh-cut grass. I shake my head, surprised I’d gone so far into my own head that I never once heard one of my brothers use the mower. Almost to the backdoor, the smell of fryer grease and spices hit me. My stomach rumbles, reminding me I haven’t eaten since breakfast.
I step inside and as I do, Kelso’s horrible out-of-tune singing voice hits me and I cringe at the sound. He’s doing equally bad dance moves standing over the stove with earphones in. A soft giggle to my right gets my attention and I find Piper watching Kelso while she stands behind Pacer at the entry of the kitchen. There’s a phone in Pacer’s hand, the camera pointed directly at Kelso, who must be making his favorite stir-fry, the one he puts a fuck-load of spices into.
I can’t help the grin that appears on my face, because when Kel finds out Pacer filmed him, it’s going to be on. Last time those two went at it, they almost broke all the photo frames in the house. Della had a shit fit and tipped the television forward and threatening to break it if they didn’t stop. Slater put the boys on their asses quickly at that point. We all know not to mess with Slater’s favorite toys. And after his Chevy car, that’s the television and PlayStation. Well, except our little sister, she can get away with pretty much everything.
My guess is that Piper and Pacer are using Kelso for their entertainment because Slater’s pride and joy big ass flat screen was destroyed in the shooting Rex ordered. We’ve managed to get the windows replaced and Pacer has started filling the holes in the drywalls with plaster and sanding them back. There’s no new television yet as we need to get the outside and inside back to normal first, so when Della comes home, there’s nothing to remind her of the shooting.
I sense someone beside me and glance to my right. I find Piper staring up at me with a strained smile.
“Just thought you might want to know that Lana hasn’t come out of the room today… not once.” Her voice drops until it’s merely a quiet mutter. “She must be starving.”
My heart grows heavy and sadness floods my chest. As much as Lana hurt me—ruined a piece of me that will never look toward the future for anything bright again—I know she’s also been destroyed time and time again by her mother, father, and now by her brother.
Enough is enough. My heart might still be broken, but I don’t want my name added to that list. At the end of my life or Lana’s, that’s not how I want her to remember me.
“I’ve tried to speak to her,” Piper adds. “Either she’s not ready to talk or I’m not the one she wants to talk to.” Piper shrugs and walks out of the kitchen.
For someone who claims not to be nosey Piper sure as shit has a lot to say. I walk further into the kitchen and witness Pacer almost falling on his ass from laughter, while struggling to hold the phone up and continue to film.
I grab a bowl out of the cupboard and flick Kelso on the back of his ear to get his attention. He jolts alert, and then out of the corner of my eye I see Pacer frantically pocketing his phone and racing out of the kitchen.
Kelso rubs his ear, cursing under his breath before he pulls out his earphones and tucks them into the back pocket of his jeans.
“That ready?” I gesture to the stir-fry.
“Yeah. What, you hungry after spending the day hiding away in the garage?”
“Shut up and give me some food,” I reply, not in the mood to deal with my punk-ass little brother.
Kel fills the bowl while I grab a fork, and once he hands me back the bowl now full of food, I leave the kitchen without another word.
Starting up the stairs, I look to the door that leads to the woman who has given me my greatest happiness and my indestructible wall to keep out others like her. She’s my addiction, a dangerous obsession I can’t shake. She’s the most important part of me, even gone and unseen, she’s entwined in my heart deep enough that it beats solely because she still breathes.
I go to her room, feeling the warmth of the bowl in my hands, hoping she eats some of it, and also praying that when she tastes it she doesn’t start choking from the amount of spices Kel chucks in his food. I think about what I’m going to say. Don’t be a dick; get along for the next few minutes.
I don’t knock and enter. I decide she’ll see me whether she wants to or not. Christ. Okay, too late, I’m in the room. Don’t be a dick, starting now.
I search the room and find Lana on the bed, wrapped up in the blankets, fast asleep. I walk quietly to the side of the bed and then curse the moon. It’s soft light streaks across Lana’s soft features, causing her already beautiful face to appear angelic. Her blonde hair fans out over the pillow and her two hands press together under her left cheek. I know she hasn’t been asleep for long because I can still see the wet paths where her tears have fallen.
Quickly, I grasp the bowl with two hands, stopping my need to reach out and wipe away the tear tracks. My stomach churns as desperation creeps in. My biggest internal struggle is pushing Lana away to protect myself, yet longing to have her near.
What I said yesterday, that I hate to love her, it’s true. I’ve hated wondering what she’s been doing for the past five years. I’ve loathed the fact that I’ve looked for her in crowds and have been disappointed when I didn’t see her. I resent the fact that I’ve looked for pieces of her in women that I’ve dated. When they’ve shown me selfishness, I’ve thought about Lana’s generosity. When they’ve shown me vanity, I’ve thought of Lana’s modest, humble approach to her looks.
Worse of all was when they’d look me in the eyes and all I saw was blue, brown and green, no spark of fire lit inside of me, or them, and yet they were content to keep pretending. I couldn’t and never would be able to. I’ve held real love in my hands. I know with a simple touch my heart can beat at an unknown speed. I’ve felt the high of looking across the room, seeing the one person who makes me feel invincible.
I’ve always tried my best at everything, failing never used to scare me. That feeling went from being my normal confident nature to a euphoric sensation when I finally had Lana in my bed, head and heart. Knowing at the end of every day, Lana was mine. Knowing I was able to rest my head next to hers for the rest of my life, whether it was under a mansion or a crumbling shack, nothing else mattered. Failing with her beside me would never truly be defeat, I’d already won.
Lana cut me to the core. She demolished all we’d built. It was weeks later when I realized she hadn’t only taken my heart, but also my future too. Nothing had color anymore.
I willingly let her in, and she left a mark. She scarred me beyond repair, brought me to my knees and broke me. She gave me hope and then all I was left with was longing, agonizing craving for the woman who shattered my heart.
Five years later, and staring at her now, I wonder how the hell I held myself back for so long. How did my pride grow stronger than my heart?
I move quickly to the door and close it quietly. However, I’m unable to step away. I slide down the wall and rest my head against it. Exhaling loudly, I turn my head toward the room. I’m exhausted as if five years of heartbreak just passed through me like a ghost.
***
Lana
I wake to darkness and a fresh breeze flowing in through the nearby window. Touching my left cheek, I remember the sting from my brother’s slap and the burning through my chest. A line I never thought would exist was crossed today, one that cannot be taken back.
My stomach grumbles, so I decide to head downstairs and get something to eat. I quietly walk to the door not wanting to wake anybody. I don’t want their looks of pity or worried glances. I don’t want a reminder of the day, just thoughts on how I’m going to move forward now, where I’m going to live and what I’m going to do for money. I have a bit in my savings, but not enough to rent a house and buy all the things that I’d need to live in it.
Turning the handle on the door, I open it slowly and peek out through the crack. My eyes widen in surprise when I spot Mack sitting against the wall next to my door, fast asleep with an empty bowl beside him. Opening the door wider to step out, I cringe as the door creaks. Mackson doesn’t stir, he stays fast asleep, and the look on his face is one of peace.
My heart twists when I realize I’d forgotten what he looked like when he was sleeping. His lips always parted slightly and pouted, his features softened, and his messy hair gave him an adorable look that anyone would have trouble pulling their eyes away from.
I sigh. What I wouldn’t give to be the woman in his life who was allowed to smooth down that hair and snuggle in between his legs and arms. I could sleep right there, in his arms sitting up, nothing in this world is more comfortable than being held by Mack. Trust me, I’ve tried to find other ways, other men. Nothing compares.
My limbs grow heavy and I wonder how I’ve gone on pretending so well for the past five years with this hole in my heart. I always thought the key was to ignore those feelings, the loss. But seeing him again, knowing my feelings are stronger now than years ago, moving away might be all I have left. So I can save the rest of my heart, and hopefully someone will accept what’s left of it.
My head lowered, I turn around and walk toward the stairs.
“Why?” a husky voice says out of nowhere.
Stopping dead, I don’t move. Was he awake the whole time I was staring at him? My face scrunches up as embarrassment floods me.
“Just tell me why?”
I turn around slowly. Mack’s expression is filled with defeat and sadness. I know he sees the same in mine because his eyes soften as my eyes finally meet his.
I exhale loudly and slide my body down the wall on the opposite side of the door. I turn my head left to look his way. My body begs me to crawl to him and take him in my arms. I want to remove the hurt from his eyes, I hate seeing it there, and I hate myself even more for putting it there.
“I was confused. At first, when Rex was threatening you all, I called you, I texted you, but you never replied. I held hope that you would contact me or come to my house when you thought it was safe. But you didn’t, and each day felt like a week and each week felt like a year. I grew angry. I hated you. I lost the only parent I had left, and my brother was slowly slipping away from me every day with hatred and revenge. But that’s not why I slept with Corey. Whether you want to hear this or not, I needed someone and he was there. Everyone around me was mourning my father’s death; Rex, our friends, and the people who lived in our street. Yet, I struggled to find one shred of sadness inside of myself for him. I felt terrible. I was in more pain over losing you than my own father.” I bring my knees up to my chest and say in an almost whisper, “I thought there was something wrong with me.”
“Dove,” Mack says my nickname in a hoarse voice.
I turn my gaze to him. “Corey was with me every day, he understood how much I was struggling. He didn’t know why, but he was there for me.”
Mack turns away and pinches the bridge of his nose and mutters angrily, “I bet he was.”
“It was only the once. We fell together out of my pain, and when I realized Corey wanted more, I backed off straight away. I hurt him and unknowingly I hurt you, too. I’ve never had a bigger regret than that moment.” I sigh and face forward, wondering if now there will be an awkward silence while Mack rebuilds his walls and hatred for me.
“I love you.” Mack’s words and anguished tone causes my head to whip around to look at him. My heart begins to beat painfully against my chest, each thump filled with its own emotion—fear, confusion, hope and love.
“I needed to get that out,” Mack says as he exhales loudly. “I thought holding it in, ignoring it, would be what helped me through this week with you, but either way, it’s just painful.” Mack rubs at his chest. “I want a do-over. I’m so sick of fighting with myself to be with you.”
Looking at Mack, I’m desperately trying to understand what he’s saying. I hear his words, but going by his body language he seems exhausted, defeated, not a man who’s confessing his love to someone.
“I love you, I always have,” I say as my hands shake.
Mack turns his whole body to face mine. We aren’t touching. However, every nerve inside me comes alive at our closeness.
“I believe you,” Mack states. “I’ve spent so much time convincing myself that you never did, that I missed how badly I’d fucked up. How much we both did.”
My heart kicks into high gear. Mack’s words cause a spiraling in me that I haven’t felt for five years.
“I want you, Lana. I fucking breathe easier just by having you close to me. I know being with you will open up a whole new world to me again.”
My breath catches and my pulse quickens as I savor the words I’ve longed to hear.
Mack shakes his head, struggling with his words. “You scare me. No one can break me like you can.”
I’m letting go of the controls and hoping by being honest with Mackson he’ll understand that he’s not the only one here with a lot to lose if we fail at love again.
“Seven months after the last time I saw you, I took Rex’s gun from his top drawer in his room and went to Fourteenth Street Bridge. I didn’t go there thinking I was going to kill myself. I wanted to decide when I got there when I had some peace and quiet to think.”
Mack’s body snaps straight and his eyes widen.
“I was in a lot of pain. Rex was distant. I’d lost you and hated myself for sleeping with Corey. My father was dead, and each day that went by that was peaceful and free of his taunts, was a good day for me. I was conflicted over my feelings and I had no-one to talk to.” I speak quickly so Mack doesn’t interrupt, and then slow as I continue, “And then, I’d brought a letter in from the mailbox and it was addressed to Rex, and on the back was my mother’s name. I opened it and she was reaching out to him, asking to see him, only him. Nowhere in the letter did she mention my name or ask how I was.” I shake my head. “What was left for me? I felt unwanted and discarded, by everyone who I’ve ever loved and thought loved me.” I lean over and show Mack a scar behind my ear.
He jumps up on his knees. “What the fuck, Lana! You tried to kill yourself?”
“Actually, no. I also took a bottle of Jack with me to the bridge and drank half of it, and ended up knocking myself out waving the gun around and screaming toward the sky. A lovely lady found me and took me to the hospital…” I pause, inhale, exhale, and continue in a whisper, “I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t able to kill myself. Nobody valued my life, but I came to realize that I did.”
Mack’s face pales. “I would’ve died with you that day had you done it.”
“I didn’t know that then. Everything has changed for me now, and I hate that I hurt you so badly.”
“I love you,” Mack says in a determined tone while moving forward and softly pushing my hair behind my ear.
“And I love you, but where do we go from here? We’re both still so angry. I don’t want this. I want what we had, I want our innocent and carefree love back.”
“We talk, like this, we work through it. I believe if we want it enough, we can forgive each other and move forward. Our relationship won’t be what we had before and it won’t be what it is now. But it will be new and exciting, and better than our first if we fight for it. For me, I don’t have a happy future without you, Lana. The possibilities far outweigh the risks. And I’m not one to shy away from a fight, not one I know will be worth the blood and bruises.”
“I can forgive you,” I whisper. “I doubt I ever had a chance at trying to fight it. You own my heart, Mackson King. You always have.”
Mack grasps my face with his hands and kisses me. It obliterates every thought in my mind. The past and its pain evaporate. The soft caress of Mack’s lips becomes firm. My fingers dig into his arms.
Never will I let him go again.
Mack slows and whispers, “Is this real?”
I exhale, it’s small, but it feels as if a huge gust of wind should have come from my chest. “Yes, it has to be because I can finally breathe again.”