CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Keri
The loud banging on the door woke me up with a start. I closed my eyes again, hoping the person would go away. I was lying in a nice warm cocoon and I didn’t want to move but the banging continued. Blake had his arms still wrapped around me but released me when I pulled away and sat up. Yawning, I rubbed my eyes.
“I’m coming,” I muttered, still trying to get my bearings as I climbed over Blake to get off the bed.
I opened the door and rubbed my eyes as I stifled another yawn. When I opened my eyes, I saw a distressed Curtis.
“It’s your mom,” he told me. I felt the presence of Blake behind me.
“I’m coming,” I said. Just as I was about to hurry out of the room, Curtis put his hand up to stop me.
“It’s too late,” he whispered and I saw his eyes glisten with unshed tears.
I faltered for a moment, stepping back, putting my body against Blake’s.
“What happened?” Blake was the one to ask the question.
The words ‘too late’ echoed in my mind. It was too late. My mind couldn’t understand the implications of that statement.
“Her heart just gave out,” Curtis said, watching me with concern. “We tried everything we could but it wasn’t enough.”
It wasn’t enough. The words repeated inside my mind.
“I need to see her,” I said in a calm and level voice. Curtis and Blake both looked at me. I wasn’t reacting the way they’d expected and they were worried, I could see it in their eyes.
“Sure,” Curtis said as he stepped out of my way to allow me to pass him.
I walked barefoot down to the medical center with Blake and Curtis following close behind me. Members of my pack stopped to watch me as I walked into the building, oblivious to everyone around me giving sympathetic looks.
It was like I was surrounded by a bubble to keep everyone out and I was alone with my rapidly beating heart and the dread building in the pit of my stomach.
There was a deafening silence as I approached my mother’s room. For a few seconds I hesitated outside the door, trying to build the courage to step inside her room.
As I stepped into the room, my breath hitched as my gaze swept over my mother’s still body. Just a step inside the room, I hesitated again. She was unmoving, her eyes closed, and for a few brief moments I allowed myself to take it in.
She looked so peaceful. It was like she was sleeping, but I knew better.
I moved forward to stand beside the bed. At her side, I reached for her hand. It was strange to hold her hand and not have her hold mine back. I leaned over her and brushed the hair from her face. Even in death she was beautiful.
My emotions began to build up inside of me. The proof was in front of me. My mom had breathed her last breath and she was gone. Heartache and grief began to push up inside of me. The emotions were suffocating me from the inside.
I wanted to argue that I’d been cheated. I was supposed to have her just for a little longer but there was no arguing with death. Closing my eyes for a moment, I took a deep breath before shoving the emotions down. It was too much to deal with.
Ignoring everyone watching me with concern, I stood beside my mom and just stared at her. I didn’t want to have to explain my actions. Losing Victor had been a relief. Losing my mom was going to be the hardest thing I would ever live through.
“Sit,” Blake whispered softly beside my ear as I felt a chair against the back of my knees. I complied, still holding my mom’s hand.
“I want to be alone,” I whispered with my eyes still on my mother's face.
Even though I knew she wasn't there anymore, I still expected her to open her eyes and smile at me like she'd done countless times before.
“Sure,” he whispered. “I’ll be outside if you need anything.”
I gave him a brief nod and I heard footsteps. The door to the room closed and I let out a heavy breath filled with the feeling of loss.
My thumb rubbed the cooling skin of my mom’s hand as I contemplated everything she’d been through. She’d had a rough life and yet when I needed it, she would give me an encouraging smile and kind words to keep me going.
I swallowed hard. How was I going to carry on without her?
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I whispered softly. I hadn’t been with her when she’d died and I felt guilty.
In my mind I heard her voice say, “It’s okay, baby.”
I pressed a kiss to her hand.
I lost track of how long I sat beside her bed, taking in every line and every feature on her face. I was scared that with time I was going to forget what she looked like so I was studying her to make sure I would always have a picture of her in my mind.
In my memories of her she would be happy—not sad like she’d been in life.
Finally, I stood up and pushed the chair back. I leaned closer to my mom and breathed her in one last time.
“I love you, Mommy,” I whispered as I pressed a kiss to her forehead.
I’d shut my emotions off. I felt empty and numb. Slowly, I released her hand and set it beside her body.
Blake, Curtis and Kyle were all standing outside the door when I exited the room. They all turned to watch me walk out of the room. Ignoring their concerned gazes, I walked down the hallway and out of the medical center. I needed to do something but I had no idea what.
I wanted to leave the compound and run into the forest, to escape if only for a little while, but I couldn't. Not with Richard still plotting my demise. I needed something to help the devastating feelings ripping through me. I headed back to my room and began to rummage through the dresser. Right at the back of the drawer I found the bottle of old whiskey I was looking for.
I’d never been much of drinker but at the moment I needed something to help numb the pain. I found a glass and poured myself half a glass. With my hand gripping the glass like a lifeline, I took a gulp. The liquid burned down my throat and I gasped. Before I could change my mind, I took another couple of gulps.
I hated my father for everything he’d done to my mother but hating him didn’t fix anything. It was a wasted feeling; it didn’t erase the past or bring her back. Closing my eyes as I gripped the glass, I tried to ride out the overwhelming loss at the thought that I would never again hear her voice, or feel her soft, comforting touch.
Growing up with a monster as a father had been difficult, and holding on to my humanity had been hard, but I somehow I had. If it hadn’t been for my mom, I would have let my humanity go and there was no doubt in my mind that I would have turned out exactly like my father.
It wasn’t working. The alcohol was flowing in my veins but it wasn’t easing the increasing ache of loss I felt. I released the glass and pushed it away. A deep breath in and out did not ease the sting of tears.
“I’m here,” Blake whispered in my ear as I felt his arms around me. I leaned against him, needing support. He turned me and laid my head against the warmth of his chest, his arms wrapping around me and giving me comfort. I wanted to stay like this and ignore the cruel outside world that had brought me nothing but an unending pain.
He pulled away slightly to lift me up and he carried me to my bed where he laid me gently down. I rolled onto my side, away from him, and curled up into a ball.
“Talk to me,” he whispered as I felt the bed dip slightly behind me as his hand rested on my shoulder.
What was there to say? Talking about it certainly wasn’t going to make me feel any better.
“What can I do?” he asked softly. I closed my eyes tightly for a brief few seconds as I contemplated his question before I opened my eyes and sat up. I turned to face him.
Being close to him was what I wanted. I needed to be as close to him as possible.
“I want you,” I stated, my eyes meeting his. There was a fleeting fear of rejection.
“You have me,” he declared as he took my hand in his.
“No, I want you,” I restated, leaning forward and touching my lips to his so there was no doubt what I wanted from him. The moment my lips touched his, I felt a calmness settle over me. He kissed me back briefly before he pulled away.
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” he said while searching my face.
“It’s what I need,” I told him. “Please.”
I think it was the please that made him gather me into his arms. His eyes held mine for a few seconds before his mouth covered mine and I felt myself come alive beneath his touch. New sensations crashed over me like a wave as his tongue trailed against my slightly open lips. Letting my arms slip around his neck, I pulled him closer as he deepened the kiss. His tongue slipped into my mouth and I tentatively touched it with mine.
The flutter inside my stomach was unsettling but I caressed his tongue with mine while keeping him as close as possible. I needed him now more than ever.
"I'm not strong enough to turn you down even though I know it's the right thing to do," Blake whispered against my lips breathlessly. I grabbed his face and held it still as I straddled him and leaned forward. I slid my tongue seductively against his lips and I heard him groan as his mouth opened and his tongue met mine.
I couldn't let him change his mind because I needed this like I needed air to breathe. His touch and closeness were enough to push the pain away, even if it was only temporary.
He pulled away from me briefly, his eyes questioning mine as he reached for the hem of my shirt. I helped him pull the shirt over my head. His eyes darkened as they caressed my body.
"I’ve wanted this from the first moment I saw you," he whispered huskily, his eyes drinking me in. I leaned closer and kissed him. There had been an attraction between the two of us from the start. That hadn't been the problem. We had chemistry—the problem was we didn't have a lot of trust. Relationships, even ones dictated by fate, needed trust to work.
"Me too," I admitted when I broke the kiss to take a deep breath. My skin tingled where he touched me. His mouth trailed down from my jaw, down my neck with the soft trail of his tongue against my sensitive skin. I groaned and held him tighter.
He lifted me off his lap and lay me down on the bed. His hands reached for mine and held them above my head as he pushed his knee between my legs and I opened them up. He held my gaze as he settled between my legs and I instinctively pushed against him, needing more.
"Patience," he murmured with a sexy smile as I bit down on my lip.
Patience wasn’t my strong suit so it was hard to allow Blake the time to build this up for us. He saw the doubt in my eyes.
"It’ll be worth it," he assured me as he kissed me. It was so good, I felt a shiver through my body. He released my hands. He held the majority of his weight off me with one hand while the other hand trailed soft touches down my body. I lifted up slightly so his hands could unclasp my bra. Slowly he moved my straps from my arms and took it off.
"You're better than I ever expected," he said as he surveyed my half-naked form. He bent down and I felt the heat of his breath on my skin before I felt the flick of his tongue. The reactions from my body made me arch and slide my hands into his hair, keeping him from moving away.
It was pure ecstasy. I'd never felt this with any of the other guys I'd ever been with. I was panting as he continued to trail kisses down my firm stomach and down to the top of my cotton panties.
"Are you sure about this?" he whispered to me as his eyes met mine. It was my last chance to back out.
"Yes."
I wanted this. There would be no backing out for me.
My chest tightened with the emotion that I'd dealt with today and I never wanted to feel that again. The emotions of grief and sorrow filled me up but I took a deep breath and pushed it back down. I was going to take control of my life now. There would be no more delaying.
Blake reached for the sides of my underwear and pulled them gently down as I lifted my hips to help him remove the clothing. I would mate with Blake and I would be able to shift, then I would become the powerful leader I was meant to be. It helped that being with him calmed my swirl of emotions that was trying to bring me to my knees.
Blake sat back on his haunches as he pulled his shirt over his head while he gazed at my naked body. Just the way he looked at me was enough to pool more heat at my core.
The feelings that tugged at my heart, I ignored. This wasn't anything more than sex and the only goal was to be able to shift, I reminded myself. The look in Blake's eyes as he shifted off the bed to undo his jeans and let them drop to the floor told me that he was starting to care for me.
I shut my thoughts out as Blake removed the rest of his clothing. I wanted to concentrate on the moment.
"You’re beautiful," Blake murmured to me as he moved over me. Our bodies fit tightly against each other.
Female werewolves could only get pregnant when in heat so there was no need for condoms. Our coming together was slow and sensual. Everything I'd ever wondered about him being good in bed was true. He knew exactly how to work me into a frenzy with a few well-placed touches.
I watched as Blake's actions became more frenzied and the strange feeling inside of me built up. With one hard-angled push, I came so hard I thought I was going to pass out from the pleasure. I felt his lips against my throat and I felt the graze of his teeth against my soft skin.
I knew what was coming next, and moments later he followed me and shuddered as he came. He bit down on my neck, his teeth sinking into my skin. The pain was minimal and then I felt his tongue soothe over the wound.
It was done.
Both of us were breathing hard, our bodies slick with sweat.
"You were amazing," he murmured against my ear as he rested his head against my shoulder.
"You lived up to your reputation," I told him. I felt him stiffen and he pulled up slightly to look at me.
"I'm sorry," he murmured, looking serious.
"What are you sorry about? That was great sex," I said, touching his cheek with my hand. Then I stopped myself. Loving someone wasn't something I was willing to do ever again. The pain I felt at the loss of my mother reminded me of the risk of letting someone close.
"I'm sorry about all the girls before you," he admitted, looking so guilty I wanted to ease it.
"Don't be sorry. I'm glad you’re experienced. There is nothing worse than a guy who has no idea what to do," I said, brushing it off. I'd slept with a guy who had been a virgin and it hadn't been a good experience.
He looked at me for a few moments like he was trying to figure me out.
Our connection meant that I had intense feelings for him and I cared about him, but it was within my power to smother the love that would grow for him. Keeping a clear head and emotion out of it, I would become a good leader. I knew that I would never be the cruel leader my father had been but being able to make decisions without emotions clouding my mind would make me a better leader. Both times Richard had attacked me I'd made stupid decisions based on emotions that had clouded my judgment. Becoming the leader I was meant to be was the most important thing for me.
Just because I fulfilled the mating with Blake didn't mean I thought we would become what we were meant to. I was using it like a step to get what I wanted. I would never be the monster my father had been, but I would be a tough leader that no pack members would think about betraying. I didn't need a man to save me. I would ensure I could save myself. No more vulnerability. I felt myself harden against the emotions that wanted to spill over inside of me. Blake kissed me and I kissed him back. He looked at me with the love starting to take hold in his heart, but I looked back at him with nothing.