Chapter Thirty-Seven

Seth

Thinking rationally with his head, was next to impossible when Seth’s heart ached so much. And maybe that was his answer. That, despite the fact the time he’d been with Dante was fleeting—even from the perspective of a human—he was lost without him. He no longer felt whole, at peace, or like he belonged. He felt like a fraud, a lost soul masquerading as an angel. Only Dante had made him feel like he’d finally found where he was meant to be, after years of wandering. Did he really want to feel adrift for the rest of eternity, just so he could help souls find their true destiny?

It was a question he struggled with daily, fully aware he was being selfish even contemplating it. Would Dante even still want him if he made such a self-serving decision? His lover had told him one of the reasons he’d fallen in love with him was because he’d always been so selfless. Now he was considering turning in his back on what was allegedly his soul’s true calling. He had chosen to transcend. He had wanted, and been given, the gift of being able to spend eternity helping people and now... now he was thinking about giving it all up to be with Dante. If that wasn’t greedy, he didn’t know what was.

He’d wanted to visit Dante so many times, to talk things through with him, but he’d held back every time. If he were caught fraternizing with a fallen angel—especially if that angel was Dante—the decision would be taken out of his hands. As much as it hurt to avoid Dante, he knew he had to make his own choices and be confident in them. He wouldn’t be able to bear it if he felt even remotely bitter about the path he finally chose.

He’d spent too long alone, having to make decisions without anyone to talk them through with him. It was one of the things he’d loved about the time he’d spent with Dante: knowing he had someone he could talk to. The time he hadn’t turned to Dante—when he’d stupidly turned himself into a poltergeist to scare Nelson—things had turned out really badly.

The problem was, he barely knew any of the angels, at least, not enough to confide in them. Other than Killian, Julian was the only one he’d spent any time with. There was no way in hell he was going to speak to Killian, so, finally, he turned to his mentor.

“There are other ways to help people,” Julian said, his words slow and thoughtful.

Seth stared at him. It wasn’t the answer he’d expected to hear.

“One might even say that helping living mortals is a more noble cause than what you’re doing now.”

“You think I should leave?”

Julian shrugged. “I think you’re mistaken in believing that you have to choose between your happiness and your chosen path. Perhaps this was just a destination en route to where you’re supposed to be. Had you thought of that?”

Seth shook his head. Julian was right: he’d been thinking of his decision as black and white, but really, it wasn’t; just like his decision at the crossroads hadn’t been so straightforward, even though it had felt that way at the time. He needed to stop seeing things as extremes and recognize that there were always shades of grey when making any decision. Not that acknowledging it made it any simpler to make up his mind.

“You couldn’t remain a ghost,” Julian carried on. “If you had, you would have lost yourself by now. But by choosing to pass on to one of the eternal cities, you wouldn’t have been able to help anyone. That would have been the most selfish decision you could have made.”

“That was never something I wanted,” Seth said. “But I thought the only reason I didn’t want it was because I wanted to be with Dante.”

“I doubt it was. But I know how intoxicating the love of another can be.”

Seth’s eyebrows shot up. “You... but...”

Julian chuckled sadly. “You’re not the first angel to lose a lover. I doubt you’ll be the last. The council is cold and cruel in passing judgment. What would be the point in casting both guilty parties out? Then they could be together, forever. Instead, the council only damns one lover, in the hope that the other serves as a lasting reminder to the rest of us not to fall in love.”

“But why?” Seth asked. “It seems so horrible and cruel. What’s wrong with angels being in love?”

Julian’s gaze became distant, as he stared off into the heavens. “Apparently, we cannot remain focused on our duties if our minds and hearts are clouded by anything stronger than physical desire. Lust they have no problem with. But lasting relationships—they believe that kind of connection makes us weaker.”

Seth clenched his fists. “But I was stronger when I was with Dante. Without him, I can barely focus. I feel so lost.”

Julian nodded. “It’s how I feel every day.” He shifted his stare to Seth. “If you choose to stay here, make sure it’s for the right reasons. Make sure you truly are happy to spend the rest of eternity alone.”

“You stayed,” Seth said softly.

“And not a moment that goes by that I don’t regret it,” Julian admitted. “But my love is gone.” He sighed, heavily. “A fallen angel is much weaker than we are, Seth. Although they do not age or die a natural death, they are not immune to the violence of humans.” He hung his head, as tears gathered in his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

Julian shrugged. “It all happened a long time ago, Seth. Unlike you, I didn’t even have the courage to contemplate joining my lover, Louisa.” He pressed his lips together and shook his head. “It’s not enough to want to fall, Seth. If you decide it’s what you want, only the council has the power to cast you out.”

Seth nodded in understanding. “Thank you.”

“I’m not sure I helped.”

“You did.”

So many of Julian’s words had struck a chord with him. The older angel was right; he could help people in other ways if he fell. He could help the living. He could help people as lost and frightened as he had been; people who still had a chance to change their futures, and those of the people around them for the better. And he’d be with Dante.

He would freely admit that the cruelty of the council had left a bitter taste in his mouth. But he also knew that he had to push his anger aside, so he could make a decision with a clear head. No matter how much the council frowned upon love, the angels were still a force for good. They still dedicated themselves to protecting humanity in many different ways. The council members were misguided and trapped in their archaic ways, but that alone wasn’t enough of a reason to fall.

“You need to think,” Julian said. “Take as much time as you need. I’ve managed this zone myself for decades; I can take care of it alone while you give yourself time to think.”

“Thank you.” There wasn’t anything else to say. He couldn’t take away Julian’s pain, as much as he might want to. Knowing that, he wandered away.

“Seth...”

He froze, glancing back over his shoulder.

“As much as I like you and think you’re a natural at this role, I won’t be sad if you never return.” He gave Seth a smile tinged with sadness.

Seth grinned back at him. “I’d miss you, too.”

He made his way to the small building that had been Dante’s home. No one had taken it over, so it remained as it had been before Dante had been cast out. Even the small bottle of oil still stood on the bedside table. Seth sat on the edge of the bed, plucked the bottle from where it stood and turned it over in his hands. Such an insignificant object, but one that filled him with desire and need. Despite Killian’s assertions that he could find someone else to satisfy his needs, he hadn’t let anyone else touch him. He was Dante’s and no one else’s. Even if he decided to stay, that wouldn’t change.

He put the bottle back and laid down, staring up at the ceiling. He’d laid on the bed several times, as he and Dante made love. He could almost taste his lover’s lips and feel his hands caressing his body. Tears stung his eyes. His chest felt unbearably tight, like a giant snake was coiling around him, desperate to suffocate him and wring the love and hope out of his fragile body. For the first time since he had transcended, he wished he was incorporeal again, because maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much.

And that was his answer. The one he’d been afraid to reach out and take. He could stay and help the souls of the dead, and be forever alone and miserable like Julian. Or he could fall and help the living and be happy and complete. He almost laughed. Maybe the decision was black and white after all, just not in the way he’d initially thought.

He sat upright, breathing hard. What a fool he’d been, to think he had to choose his chosen path or Dante. He could have both if the council allowed it.

He flew from Dante’s old home directly to the council, at the same frenzied speed he’d raced there when he’d been trying to reach Dante that horrible day. As usual, the doors to the council building were guarded by two armored angels, who were members of the warrior caste. Unsurprisingly, they barred his way.

“I need to see the council,” he told them.

“No one sees the council without an invitation,” the male guard said. He flicked his cold gaze over Seth. “You’re the reason Dante fell, aren’t you?”

Seth squared his shoulders and lifted his chin. He felt intimidated by the scarred faced angel, but didn’t want to show it. “What of it?”

The guard stepped forward and prodded his finger against Seth’s chest, forcing him back. “He was a damned fine angel. Good at his job and,” he pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek a couple of times, “other things.” He narrowed his eyes. “And he threw it all away for you.” He moved his finger from Seth’s chest and cracked his fingers together. “Maybe you need a lesson in how things work here.”

“Leave it, Santiago,” the red-haired woman with him said. “Beat it, kid. You’ve no business being here.”

Seth gritted his teeth. He had to get inside. “How do I get an invitation to see the council?”

The two warrior angels glanced at each other and laughed.

“You fuck up,” the red-haired woman said.

“Like Dante did,” Santiago smirked.

Seth narrowed his eyes. He knew he could simply go down to Dante and wait to be hauled back up in front of the council, but that wasn’t how he wanted things to happen. He didn’t want to sneak around or be duplicitous about it. He wanted to put his case to the council and entreat them to let him fall.

“I went to earth to see him,” he told them.

They stared at him, skeptical.

“You don’t believe me? Why don’t you go down to earth and ask Dante? I can even tell you where to find him.”

“Fucking idiot,” Santiago growled. “Ramona, go tell the council we’ve got a troublemaker out here.”

Seth felt cold. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be left alone with Santiago, even for a heartbeat.

The red-haired woman, Ramona, shook her head. “You go do it,” she snapped. “I ran the last errand.”

Santiago muttered something under his breath, before opening the huge doors and vanishing inside.

Seth paced while he waited, tapping his clenched fists against his thighs. In his mind, he ran through what he might say to the council; how he’d put his case across. Was he the first angel to ask to be cast out? Probably. It would certainly be the first time in his existence that he’d purposefully made himself the center of attention. But it was what he needed to do.

He stopped when the door opened, and Santiago returned. Seth’s heart hammered in his chest as the guard leered at him. “It must be your lucky day, kid,” Santiago said. “Or your unluckiest day, more like. They’ve decided they’ll see you.” There was a strong note of disbelief in his voice.

“I’ll take him in,” Ramona said.

Santiago put his hand on her arm. “I thought it was my turn to run errands?”

Seth hated how snidey the angel’s voice was; it made his skin crawl.

Ramona rolled her eyes as she shook her hand free of his grip. “Fine,” she muttered. “But don’t be a fucking idiot, Santiago. Now’s not the time to have fun.”

Seth glanced between them. He wasn’t sure what Ramona was alluding to, but he knew he didn’t want to find out.

Santiago bowed to her. “I’ll be on my best behavior.” He glanced at Seth. “Follow me and be quick about it.”

Seth followed him inside, through lofty corridors to another set of double doors. As they swung open, he saw a massive room with vaulted ceilings. The council sat at the far end on throne-like chairs. In the center of the room was a table, with a large stone sitting upon it. As he followed the guard into the room, he saw there was something carved upon it.

“What is it?” he whispered.

“Ansuz,” Santiago replied. “It ensures angels only speak the truth.” He bowed to the council and retreated quickly from the room, leaving Seth alone.

“You wished to speak to us?” an angel with youthful features but snow-white hair asked.

“I want to fall,” he told them, his voice stronger than he’d thought it would be. He stepped closer to them. “I need to be with Dante.”

The council whispered amongst themselves, too quiet for Seth to hear what they were saying.

“That cannot be allowed.”

“Why not?” Seth demanded. “My crimes were the same as his. I loved him, both before and after I ascended.”

“You were an innocent. You were not aware of our rules.”

Seth glanced over his shoulder at the stone, Ansuz. “I can only speak the truth, right?”

They nodded.

He lifted his chin a fraction, staring at each one of them in turn as he spoke. “Then believe me when I tell you that I did know. Dante told me that he was forbidden from falling in love, not just with a mortal but with anyone. But I trusted him to make his own decisions. It wasn’t up to me to tell him how to live his life, any more than it’s up to you to tell me how to live mine.”

They all glared at him, but he didn’t care. He took a few more steps towards them, feeling braver each time he put one foot in front of the other.

“I am in love with Dante. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, that helping people was my calling and more important. But I see now that I don’t have to be here to do that. If anything, I can do more good on earth, free of your archaic and unfair rules.”

“Young man, be careful what you say!”

“Why?” Seth demanded. “I think you need to hear this, whether you want to or not. Love doesn’t make anyone weaker. It makes us stronger.”

“And when love fades?” the white-haired angel demanded. “Or when it turns to bitterness and hate. What then?”

Seth shrugged. “I’m not going to stand here and tell you that will never happen. Of course, it will. But you can’t deny everyone a chance at happiness, just because a few relationships might turn sour.” He hunched his shoulders. “I doubt I’m going to change your mind about how you run things here, but I do ask that you let me go. Please.”

He’d said all he could. He had neither the words or the energy to state his case again. Either they’d free him, or they’d imprison him inside his loss forever.

It felt like an eon passed as they conferred with each other. Even though Seth was standing close to the council, they were somehow able to talk without him hearing a word. Or perhaps he heard the words, but couldn’t understand them.

Eventually, the white-haired angel stared at him coldly.

“You are an insolent young man,” the angel told him. “But you are also a passionate one. Your pleas have not fallen on deaf ears. If falling is what you truly wish, then so be it. But I would ask, do you truly know what it means to fall?”

“I’ll be cast out,” Seth told him. “Still immortal, still with my wings, but unable to leave earth. I’ll be weaker, susceptible to injury and even death. I know all that, it’s still what I want.”

The white-haired angel nodded. “So be it.”

He extended his hand and Seth embraced the agonizing pain that followed.