Kyle
We stayed in the bath, with our legs entwined, until the water turned cold. I would have endured the cold water if it meant staying with her like this. The curves of her body were a perfect fit against mine. Her skin was so soft against the palm of my hands. I believed something strong had started to build between us.
Helping her get dressed, we found every excuse possible to kiss and touch. Although the tension between us had grown palpable, I wasn’t an idiot. We couldn’t. I would treat her like a gentleman. I had given myself a goal to show her any way I could how good we were together. Yes, I still thought about Cassi, who I would always love, but I had come to terms with our story. I’d grieved her death for so long, but now I was starting to live again.
Something in the way Tiff looked at me and touched me, made me believe she loved me. That was enough. When I told her how I felt, her reaction pleased me. She’d blushed a beautiful shade of red while her eyes shined with happiness. Emotions didn’t have to be spoken with words. Tiffany would say them sooner or later.
Patience was all I needed.
“Are you tired? How are you feeling?” I asked guiding her to the couch; she was supposed to be resting, after all. Of course, I used the excuse to hold and love on every inch of her.
“Better. The bath helped. It would’ve been nice to wash my hair, though.”
The doctor had said to wait up to seventy-two hours before washing her hair. I was all for breaking rules, but not when they concerned her. “After tomorrow, we’ll wash your hair.”
“K?” The way she said my name without saying more caught my attention. “There’s something you said earlier, and it has me curious.”
“What about?” I’d said many things earlier, she’d have to be more specific.
“You said you had a secret…”
Right, I should have known she would ask about that. Closing my eyes, I tried to find the words which were about to be spoken. I had never talked about this with anyone. It’d been my deepest secret.
“Forget I asked about it, Kyle. I’m sorry,” Tiff mumbled when I didn’t start talking right away.
I shook my head. “No, Tiff, you have every right to ask. It’s just that I’ve never talked about this with anyone. It brings a lot of pain back, so I’m trying to figure out how to say it.”
“Is it about Cassidy?” Her hesitant voice told me she didn’t feel comfortable bringing my old lover up, and I didn’t like that. Whether we liked it or not, Cassi would always be a part of my past. She still filled a big part of my heart.
“Yes. I’m sorry to bring her up again.”
Tiff seemed surprised by my apology. “Don’t be sorry. I completely understand, and I can’t be jealous of her. I won’t lie, under different circumstances, I might be jealous of her but… oh, I’m rambling now. She’s your past and we can’t change or erase it, babe. We can’t, and I’m okay with that.”
I noted that she’d called me babe for the first time without taking it back or showing regret, and smiled.
“We were engaged. While she was working extra hard to be the prima ballerina, I was studying to be a real estate agent. My only goal at the time was to be the best husband I could be. I wanted to give her the perfect life…” The emotions got to me, and I paused, taking a few seconds to regain control. I was about to tell Tiffany my biggest regret. “She died right next to me after being shot by a stray bullet. It was totally random. That alone was enough to completely break me, but the thing is…” I trailed off and tried to swallow. My mouth had gone dry. “Tiff, Cassi was ten weeks pregnant. I was going to be a father. It scared me shitless but also made me so fucking happy, too. I had never been that happy. That morning had been the best moment of our life together. We’d just heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time and we were beyond happy.”
“A baby? Oh, god, Kyle, I… I’m not sure what to say other than I’m sorry.”
“I failed to save her and our baby. It should have been me who got shot by that bullet.”
“Don’t say that. No death is fair, but we can’t control our destinies, babe.” She brushed her fingers on my legs. Knowing each movement caused her pain, I was flattered by her gesture, no matter how small.
“I’ll never know if we were meant to have a boy or a girl, or what color his or her hair would have been. Cassi was a redhead. This unforgettable and impossible to ignore shade of red. It made her unique.”
“I’m sure she was beautiful.”
“She was.” I kissed Tiff’s temple and squeeze her closer to my chest. “You’re beautiful, too. Every time I say it, I mean it. Know that I see you for who you are. I’m not trying to compare you to her. I love you the way you are, Tiff.”
I expected her to say something, but she didn’t. Giving her more time to digest everything I’d just shared seemed like a good idea. A respectful thing to do. I stayed quiet and waited some more.
“If we stay together and are happy…” Her words came out sounding robotic, and she hesitated. “Do– do you want kids? Or would that be a deal breaker for you?”
Good question. I hadn’t thought about it. “Until now, it never crossed my mind. Maybe, I would. I mean, I’m not opposed to the idea, but I’m not burning with the need to be a dad either. If it happens, it happens, but where you’re concerned, there is no if for me, Tiffany. I really want to be with you. I’m serious about this.”
She nodded. “Again, I’m sorry about Cassidy and the baby. I wish it were them in your arms now instead of me.”
“If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that we can’t change the past. No matter how much we miss it. With that being said, yes, I miss her, but I’m very happy to have you here with me.” I paused to kiss her again. “You bring a great deal to my life. You’ve given me a reason to live when I’ve felt dead for so long.”
“I may not show or tell you how I feel, but you mean a great deal to me, too. It’s just taking me longer to… to believe this is real.”
Tiff had all but confessed her love to me, which made me feel so happy and powerful. Her love wasn’t a game to me. She was someone worth fighting for. Giving up now wasn’t an option, unless I wanted to be the biggest loser. “I already lost one woman I loved, Tiff. I’m not ready to lose you without a fight. I’ll be patient. You’ll see for yourself, I’m not going away, dear.”
She giggled. “Why so intense, Kyle?”
“Because this is serious for me.”
She tensed for few short seconds then took one of my hands in hers. “I’m serious too, Kyle, or I wouldn’t have agreed to any of this. Staying here, the bath and all. I’m serious, trust me. I need more time to truly express how I feel. In my heart are strong feelings for you. I’m just not ready to…” she was picking each word with care. I knew what she wanted to say.
“I know, babe. Don’t worry.” A shiver ran down her body, and I had to ask, “What was done to you to make you feel so insecure?”
“I went through a rough time, too. Not as dramatic as yours, but it left scars. My first serious boyfriend was Pete, and he had a way of convincing me everything he did, he did for the right reason. Legal or not, he had the power to manipulate me and my thoughts with ease. Every time we hung out together or went on dates, he made me feel like he was so proud to be holding my hand. I’d thought we were good even though, deep down, I had doubts about his strange phone calls and mood swings.” She gave a half-hearted chuckle. “Although I knew about the drugs, I never thought he would love them more than he loved me.”
“What do you mean?”
“The last time I saw him, was the night he drove me to Essex. His hands were shaking the whole way there and he was very agitated. He kept saying how he loved me, but that he didn’t have a choice. When we got to Essex, he handed me over to a gang or club, whatever it was. Pete owed them money he couldn’t repay, so I was going to settle his debt for him. They were going to make me be a prostitute, or a sex s-s-slave.”
It was hard understanding the last word she said, as her voice broke under the pressure of her emotions. Impossible to stay away from her, I give her a heartfelt hug. After hearing her story, I needed the hug as much as her.
“I did what they asked the first night. It wasn’t anything sexual, I promise. There were other girls, too, but they were stoned out of their minds. In the middle of the night, while the men were doing things with them, I tried to escape. The doors were locked but I found a window open, and jumped down to the second floor. I had to get out of there. I ran for as long and as far as I could. Out of breath, and with no money, I came across a taxi driver who I begged to let me use his cell phone to ring my dad.”
“You’re a fighter, Tiff. A survivor. I’m so thankful for that.”
“That was the first story.”
Her admission infuriated me. “How many assholes have you met?”
“One more.” Tiff hid her face behind her hands, but I could see the hint of a smile on her face. “It’s nerve-wracking telling you this.”
“You can stop if you want.” Pushing her had never been my intention. “I don’t want you hurting because of memories either.”
“No, I need to. You’ll see that our pasts collide, a tiny bit.” Her bottom lip stuck between her teeth, she closed her eyes before taking a deep breath. “After a while of being single, I met Rob, and was in a really good place in my life. Happy and healthy, I had almost forgotten that one night in Essex. The night everything went down, I was pulling a shift at the pub where I loved working and made more money then I knew what to do with. I’d been with Rob for a long time by then. My period was late, so I took a test at work, and it came out positive. You know how it feels… I was so happy, ecstatic even, I would say. Nervous, too, but Rob and I were in a good place. Or so I’d thought.” She struggled through the last part and I held her closer to me. “I went home after taking the test because I was excited. I’d even faked an illness so my boss would give me the rest of the night off. When I got to Rob’s place, I found him in bed with another girl. Apparently, they had been seeing each other for some time. We argued, of course, and I left without telling him I was pregnant. I was heartbroken. We were together for three years. It ended with him cheating and me knocked up.”
“What happened?”
“Abortion never crossed my mind. I was going to keep it. With all the stress and emotions, however, I was a mess…” She paused, and all I heard was regret in her voice. “I lost the baby three weeks later.”
Shit. She knows how it feels; she knows exactly. “I’m sorry, beautiful. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
“I can’t say I forgive life for giving me something so precious and then taking it away so quickly, but I’m okay. Maybe later, when the timing is right, the fates will give me a chance to be pregnant again.”
Without a doubt. “You’re a wonderful healthy person, I’m sure you will someday.” With me, I hope.
Wait, what?
“We both have shitty pasts, K. What you had with Cassidy represented every girl’s dream, and I got the nightmare. I consider myself okay, but it left scars.”
“I understand your trust issues better now. I would never do that to you, though. I don’t want to share you or worse, lose you. You’re important to me.”
“Thank you.”
Why she thanked me, I didn’t quite understand, but I accepted it.