Chapter
8
Not Strong Enough
~Sass~
Nick and I have come to an agreement. He’s right—actions speak louder than words. Therefore, I will give him my all, starting with my job. It’s time to let go of the Hellions’ life once and for all.
Walking into the office, I have a clear head about what my future holds. After my good mornings in the bays, I settle to my desk. Amy arrives with Frisco not long after me.
“Mornin’, Sass,” Frisco greets as he guides Amy, his hand at the small of her back, over to my desk.
He runs his fingers through his salt and pepper hair as he studies her. “Babe, I gotta go on a run today. It’s a short one, but I won’t be available. You gonna be okay here with Sass and the boys?”
“Go on, Frisco. I’m good. It was a nightmare, but it’s over. I’m moving on,” Amy tries to reassure him.
After a few moments of a firm stare down, Frisco is satisfied enough to leave Amy with me. Amy swears the two of them aren’t together, that he is just helping her heal and get her life in order. Watching them together, though, I beg to differ.
When we are finally alone, I broach the subject of my impending departure with her. “Amy, have you thought about staying here long term? I know your cousins came out to visit and they seem comfortable with you making a life for yourself here, and Frisco isn’t in any rush for you to leave. So, if you’re going to focus on getting your life in order, well, why not plan your future here?” Please take the bait. Please take the bait. If I have someone ready to take my place, there will be less argument from my dad about my leaving the business.
“I don’t know, Sass. I can’t say I truly belong here. Sure, over time you and I have gotten close. And sure, the guys have accepted me into the fold like one of the hang-arounds, I guess. I don’t know, though.”
I laugh as she scrunches her nose when she says the word hang-around. “Honey, you are far from a hang-around ho. don’t ever think you’re in the same class with the barflies. The Hellions are about family. You put your life on the line, holding onto Tank in that warehouse, which means you’re family.”
“Really? You think of me like that?” she questions, full of insecurity.
“Amy, I think of you as my friend. A close friend. The Hellions’ life isn’t for me anymore, so I can’t say I think of you like a Hellion because that’s not part of my world anymore. I do know the boys think of you like family, though. I know that Doll has come a long way into not only accepting you as part of Frisco’s life, but as her friend as well. You’re a Hellion, like it or not,” I add the end with my biggest, most genuine smile so she will understand I really do mean every word of it.
“Maybe my future is here.” She’s smiling back at me as if the light bulb is shining over her head. None of this really seems to have crossed her mind before now.
“Nick and I are moving forward with our life together, so I’m hoping you want to stay around. Like, maybe you could take over my job here? Would you want to do that?”
“I don’t know that I would be safe here. And if I take your job, what will you do? Part of me says yes, but part of me thinks that, by taking it, I would be declaring my life is here. Is it really here?”
“You’ll be safe with the boys. The compound, the offices, they’ve always been safe. Besides, you would get my salary, so you would make more and really be able to rebuild your life.”
“Why are you running so hard away from your family, Sass? I know your history with Tank, and I know the danger you and Doll faced with Delatorre watching your every move, but why are you so willing to leave it all behind? One minute you tell yourself, me, and everyone else it’s the danger of the lifestyle, but the next you say it’s safe. Which is it? Do you even know what you’re running so hard from anymore?”
Amy has come a long way from the meek, shy woman Delatorre literally dragged into Doll’s office one day. She’s holding no punches with me as a real friend would. She has always been real with me, so it’s time I share my truth and reality with her.
“When I first decided to walk away, it was out of frustration and heart break. My dad, Tank, the boys, all live by the code: bros before hoes. Tank dismissed me like I was random pussy. I’m no one’s barfly. I met Nick on the rebound from Tank’s rejection. He’s the complete opposite of everything Hellions. Then, before I could establish my relationship with him or sort out my life, Delatorre came along. With the danger too great, I had to go away. Do you know what it’s like to be on a ride, miles away from your home, your family, and your regular life, all for the sake of safety? To have to use burner phones so you couldn’t be traced?”
“No, I don’t know all of that. But I do know what it’s like to walk away from everything you’ve known and walk into the gates of Hell, all to protect your family. I also know that the actions of one messed up man shouldn’t dictate your entire future. Sure, Tank made a lot of mistakes with things between the two of you, but you were working on that while you were on the ride. You’ve told me you were texting and talking right before the warehouse.” Her voice trembles as she relives her own experience. Needing to calm herself, she reaches for her bottled water on the desk.
Knowing what she’s been through, I can’t help thinking my removal from the Hellions’ life may have been a bit rash. She’s watching me, waiting for my response as she drinks. How can I make her understand?
“Tank was a harsh reminder of watching my mom with my dad. The biker life isn’t easy for an ol’ lady. My dad has been shot on more than one occasion. He has also had his fair share of women. Danza was named appropriately. He has a killer smile and charisma, like Tony Danza.”
Amy spits water all over her desk and me, laughing and choking at the same time. I lean over and pat her back in the way everyone does when someone is coughing, knowing it really doesn’t help her, but you can’t stop yourself.
“Tony Danza. Your dad, the rough around the edges biker, earned his road name after Tony Danza? Seriously? I mean, Frisco is from San Francisco, his name makes sense.” Her face cringes as she continues, “Roundman, I’ve heard about his one round, one shot, one kill. Rocky, no one talks about, but Danza was really named for an eighties’ TV star?”
We’re both grabbing paper towels to dry up my desk and each other.
“Hey, not just any star, a very smooth talking, eighties TV star. From what I’ve been told, it started as a joke, but it stuck. My dad is slick like the actor. He’s cheated on my mom, disappeared for days off on runs. It wasn’t easy watching my mom cry herself to sleep, or when she was making excuses when my dad missed important stuff, or the loneliness she dealt with while he was off with his brothers and the barflies.”
“So, you don’t want to be like your mom? Even though there may be more to their story than even you know.” Amy questions.
“My mom is a strong woman; she puts up with everything Danza and the Hellions dish out and she does it with a certain grace. She doesn’t ask questions. She doesn’t nag, whine or bitch. She just is. She’s always waiting patiently for his return, like a dog waiting for a bone. She’s always waiting for his time and attention.”
“Come on; it can’t all be bad.”
“It’s not all bad, no. My dad doesn’t go on many runs now. The Originals run the club, so they don’t need to. Going away with Tripp, Doll and Rex, though, brought it home for me. I don’t want to look over my shoulder because my man is a Hellion. As much as I love Tank, it wouldn’t work—even if he wasn’t in a coma—because I don’t want the insecurity of what’s coming next.” I attempt to convey to her I am not strong enough for this life, but I have a feeling she is just trying to find a way to convince me to come back into the fold.
“Sass, you don’t strike me as one to back down or someone to turn her back on her family. So why? Really, why?”
“It’s not one simple thing, Amy. I’m not like my mom or Doll, or even you, for that matter. I’m not strong enough for the life. It takes a woman with a backbone made of steel to stand by these men. Before I tie myself up with a biker, it’s best I walk away. Before I fail not only him but myself, and most of all, before I fail the club.”
“Oh, Sass, you can’t really believe that.” Her tone is one of sadness.
“It’s the truth. Some women can handle this life, some can’t. In life, you gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. And what’s more, things are good with Nick. He really takes care of me. That brings me to my point in this…
“Amy, I want to leave the shop. Will you take over my job here? It’s not like you don’t already fill in when I’m away. The guys all like you. It’s a perfect fit,” I say, hoping she really will take it.
Admitting to someone out loud that the truth in me walking away is out of my own weaknesses leaves me feeling raw. My future is with Nick, though. I feel like I am on the edge of something good and solid, and sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith. Walking away from the Hellions, I could find my happiness and security in giving everything to Nick. He’s my priority. He comes home to me every night, and there are no questions left unanswered about any of his activities.
“If you feel you need a break to sort things out, I will manage for a little while, but I don’t know if I can do this long term. I have bad times—memories and such. I’m getting better, but it’s hard. So, you take some time, and then we can revisit if you’re really giving up your job.” Amy drops her head in defeat.
I know we’ve spent hours in this office talking about everything. I know she fights feeling alone. I am not abandoning her, though; Frisco is here for her.
Now, to figure out how to tell my dad and Roundman I’m leaving my job. That’s going to be a challenge all its own.
Amy and I finish the work day with me reviewing payroll, supply orders and other not so day-to-day tasks I do that she hasn’t seen regularly. With the decision now made, plans in place, I am excited to go home and share with Nick that I make yet another step away from the Hellions and another toward our future together.
Arriving home, I am surprised to find Nick already there. He must have gotten off early today.
As I walk into our kitchen, I see he has the table set with candles and wine already poured. His back is to me as he is behind the stove cooking.
“Hey, baby. This looks nice,” I greet, feeling the love and dedication this man has wash over me.
“Good evening, Savannah. Have a seat; dinner is almost ready.”
He’s preparing plates as I take my seat and sip my favorite Hatteras Red, Duplin wine. The liquid goes down smoothly. The ambience, one of relaxation and seduction. A girl could certainly get accustomed to this.
When Nick places my plate in front of me, I see he has made chicken parmesan, my absolute favorite. He takes his seat beside me, and I take in the comfortable ease we have tonight. We both eat, enjoying the company and casual conversation. When we finish, he dives into the reason he’s done so much for the evening.
“I know I haven’t necessarily made things easy on you, Savannah. Forcing you to choose between your family and me is not my intent. I love you, Savannah Mae Perchton, and I want a future filled with you and me together. The club and the life you had before, it takes you away from me. I don’t mean to be harsh about it, but it’s the reality of our situation. Tonight, I wanted to let you know, I don’t mean to be so hardheaded. I don’t want to push you away.” His eyes meet mine.
The depth of his sincerity warms my heart. I never expected to come home to this. He’s apologizing in his own way. Nick is one that says actions speak louder than words, and he is truly showing it right now.
“I love that you do so much to show me how much I mean to you. Thank you for tonight. You do challenge me, but it’s to show me, not to push me away,” I say with genuine sincerity.
He stands from the table and takes my hand, guiding me to stand. He kisses me gently before leading us into the living room where he sits on the couch and then pulls me down beside him. Turning his body sideways, he lays my back to his front before he begins massaging my neck and shoulders. The tension from the day eases away with the gentle pressure of his fingertips.
“I talked to Amy today. She’s going to take over my job. After Doll and Tripp’s wedding, I’m done with the club, my job and everything Hellions. I love my parents, I love the club, but it’s not for me anymore.”
The massage stops as he shifts. Leaning over me as he cups my chin, he turns my face to his, feathering gentle kisses on my jaw, forehead, nose, and eventually lips.
“Out with the old Savannah, in with the new. I’ll give you the life you’ve always wanted. Your only focus now can be on me and our life together. Thank you for taking these steps to be with me. I love you, baby.”
This means more to him than I could have ever imagined. With that thought, I turn my body to lie over him as I kiss him with all the emotion inside me.
~Tank~
“Tank, wake the fuck up, man!” I hear Rex say in frustration.
“Tame it, Rex. We’ll figure this out.” Tripp replies to his cousin.
Figure what out, I wonder.
“Easy for you to say, Tripp. Your woman is home every evening making your dinner and safe in your bed. I’m tied up neck deep in this shit with Lux with no end in sight, and she can’t stand my ass.”
“Caroline. Her name is Caroline. She might be more inclined to like your ass a little more if you quit the ‘Lux is the deluxe model’ like you’re upgrading your damn car.” Tripp laughs lightly.
“Shit, she’s all high-class, fancy-pants, so if the name fits, own it. This sick fuck at her work, though, he’s a twisted bastard. Her being hell-bent on keeping me at arm’s length isn’t helping matters, either. How can I protect her if she doesn’t let me do what needs to be done?”
“What needs to be done, or what you want to do? She needs to be protected, yes. That doesn’t mean she needs a fuck buddy.”
“I don’t do fuck buddies, you know that. Hit it, get it and go, no repeats.”
“Tessie is a repeat.” Tripp reminds calmly.
“Tessie was a repeat. She cut me off. She says no more, what we have is history and I’m holding her back. So, there ya go, she’s moving on.”
“Look man, Caroline is meant to be with one of those fuckers in a suit. Just handle the situation with her coworker and everyone can move on.”
“Sass is meant to be with a Hellion. Specifically with the Hellion layin’ in this damn bed, yet she’s with a pretty boy in a suit. Maybe you’re wrong about Lux.”
Why can’t I wake up? Apparently, Caroline is in some trouble. Does that trickle down to Doll and Sass? Sass is meant to be with a Hellion. She’s home. She needs me, and I can’t wake the fuck up.
Frustration builds as I’m fighting to stay with their conversation. Tripp and Rex aren’t here very often. They have runs to make and don’t live here, so that’s to be expected. Is the club in trouble? Is that why they’re in town?
“Hey, Bonnie,” I hear Tripp greet.
“Oh, beautiful, you made my day walkin’ in here. Are you ready to run away with me?” Rex jokes.
“That’s one way to try to wake my brother up, Rex.” My sister’s sweet voice fills my ears. “He’d kick your ass if he heard you.”
I hear shuffling around before lips press to my forehead. Bonnie is squeezing my hand as I hear the boys mumble goodbyes.
I feel her running her hands over my hair. “Oh, Frank, we all miss you so much.”
She sighs and my heart breaks a little inside. My sister, my family, my brothers, and my Button are all hurting and I can’t do anything about it. I need to wake up. Fighting, I try to squeeze Bonnie’s hand. Nothing.
A gentle humming starts in my ear. She’s humming to me the way our mom would when the girls were little and would get scared. My fight to stay awake slips away as my sister soothes me with a childhood lullaby.