“What’s going on?” I asked, puzzled by the frazzled look on my sister’s face.
“It’s Bianca. She’s lost her freaking mind. Can I crash here?” Lia asked.
“Sure,” I said, confused by Lia’s sudden appearance.
“My timing couldn’t be worse. Sorry to add more to your plate,” she said.
“Don’t be silly. I’m here whenever you guys need me.”
Lia dropped her bag on the floor and shrugged off her backpack. “Where can I put this?”
“You can leave them here. I’ll have Karen put them away.”
“Who’s Karen?”
I rolled my eyes. “She’s the new housekeeper,” I replied.
“I thought …”
“I already know what you’re going to say. And you’re right. I didn’t want help, but it was all starting to be too much, so we have Karen and Traci. They’ve been with us for about a month now.”
“You don’t seem very happy about it.”
“It is what it is,” I said, blowing it off. “Have you eaten? I was just about to have dinner.”
“I’m starved,” Lia said.
“Great,” I said, perking up. “Now I don’t have to eat alone.”
“Where’s Aiden?” she asked, following me into the kitchen. “Don’t you guys have dinner together?”
“Not anymore. Not since the accident. Whenever I tried, he insisted he wasn’t hungry.”
Her brows scrunched. “So, he doesn’t eat?”
“At first he didn’t, not really, but Dianna finally got him to. She prepared his meals and took them up to the bedroom. I still asked him to join me, just in case his mood softened, but he didn’t budge, and to be honest, I was relieved.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Everything was so tense. Everything. It was like I couldn’t do anything right. When we were in the same room together, I walked on eggshells. I tried to help, tried to encourage him, but whatever I said or offered—he blew up.”
“Why are you talking in past tense?” she asked.
“Oh, I guess I should have led with that. Aiden moved out.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“Yes, a few weeks now.”
“Why didn’t you tell us? We could have been here.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I figured it was temporary.”
“And you don’t think so anymore?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what to think.”
“I’m sorry, Aria.”
“Thanks. It’s been hard … really hard, but things will get better.”
She took a seat at the counter as I finished the salad.
“Kevin says he’s doing well,” I said. “He doesn’t see any reason why Aiden shouldn’t resume full use of his legs in relatively little time. But for now, all I can do is be here in case Aiden finally decides he needs me. And I don’t think that will happen because he doesn’t know how to be on the receiving end of help.”
“I can see that about him, but he shouldn’t be mean to you.”
“I wouldn’t say he’s being mean. He’s just distant. And I think he’s doing it on purpose.”
“Why would he do that?” she asked.
“To protect me.”
She grimaced. “How is that protecting you?”
“He’s a man. One with a lot of pride and his own way of looking at things.”
“I hate that you guys are having problems.”
“Me too. But enough about me. What’s going on with Bianca?” I asked.
“Another case of someone who’s not thinking clearly. She and Landon broke up and she’s pretending she doesn’t care.”
“Hmm.”
“What?” Lia asked.
“I had lunch with Raina recently, and she didn’t mention it.”
“Maybe she doesn’t know.”
“I suppose.” I passed the salad to Lia and I grabbed the plates.
“Bianca is doing and saying things that are not at all like the sister I know.”
“Maybe it’s a process,” I said. “We all handle things like that differently.”
“If it was just that, there wouldn’t be a problem. But she’s been partying, drinking, and hooking up with random guys.”
“Are you kidding me?” I asked, shocked by Lia’s news.
“Nope.”
“This doesn’t sound like Bianca. Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yeah, I mean, I’m right there with her when it’s all happening. But in her defense, she’s not having sex. Just making out. She never even had sex with Landon.”
“Well, that’s good, but drinking and partying? Is that something she did before moving from Dayton?”
Lia grabbed a carrot from her salad, chomping on it as she looked up at me. “No. Neither of us did. I mean we went to the occasional party or hung out. We never did things like she’s doing now.”
“Why didn’t you call me? How long has this been going on?” I asked.
“Since just after Lyric’s party.”
“And you’re just telling me about it now?”
“Like I said, I didn’t want to worry you. You’d just gotten married, and to be honest, I thought it was gonna be a weekend or so and she’d flip back to herself. Then it became two weekends, then week nights, and that’s when the arguments started. We eventually stopped talking. She had people over again tonight. And it was the last straw—I packed a bag and left.”
I was surprised I hadn’t heard from Silas, the doorman slash lobby attendant at my condo. I’d asked him to keep an eye on the girls. “How about we go over together and talk to her?”
Lia shook her head in protest. “Not tonight. I need a break from her. I’m pissed at her right now.”
“I understand. But I’ll call and check on her.” I placed a bowl of potato soup in front of Lia and joined her at the table.
“Mmm. Smells good.”
“This is Jason’s recipe. He cooked it for us once. Aiden and I loved it, so Jason showed me how to make it.”
“Who’s Jason?” Lia asked, between forkfuls of salad.
“He’s one of the Raines’ personal chefs.”
“Don’t you mean one of your personal chefs? You’re a Raine now, too. Or did you forget?”
I took a sip of wine and rolled my eyes. “One can never forget that,” I said, laughing. I was so glad my sister was here. I hadn’t had a laugh or any normal conversation at all with Aiden. I missed that part of us.
“Where’d you go just now?” Lia asked when I’d become quiet.
“Thinking about Aiden. I love him so much. He’s hurting, and I know he’ll never admit it, but he’s scared. And I don’t know how to help him.”
“Didn’t you say his doctor recommended a counselor?” she asked.
I swallowed the cucumber I was chewing and said, “Yeah, but he’s not going to do that.”
“Did you ask him?”
“No.”
“You should,” she said. “He may surprise you.”
The only surprise I’d get from asking him something like that would be a polite reply instead of a rude one. Maybe I could go alone though, try to figure out how best to support him. “We’ll see,” I said.
“And if you need moral support, I’m here.”
“Thanks, Lia.”
“And thanks for letting me stay here. Maybe I can finally get some studying done,” she said, finishing up her salad.
“I’ll call Bianca in the morning,” I said. “See if I can figure out what’s going on with her.”
Lia took a drink and placed the glass on the table. “Just leave her be. She’ll calm down eventually.”
“No. I will not leave her be,” I said. “You’re upset with her right now, which is understandable. But we can’t let her continue like this. It will only lead to trouble. Trust me.”
Lia shrugged. “I guess. But I don’t want to talk to her right now.”
“And you don’t have to. I’m sure she’ll apologize, and you two will be like peas and carrots again.”
*****
After dinner, I helped Lia get settled and then checked on my husband. I called Scott and he confirmed that Aiden was in his office, buried in work. Some things would never change, regardless of his medical issues. To be honest, I was glad he was pouring himself into something productive, even if that something was Raine Industries.
Lyric and I were in the kitchen. He was rolling across the floor with his push-and-pull walking toy as I prepared some of his food for the following day. I decided to start the fixer process with my sister, so I sent Bianca a text. It took a while, but she finally replied. She and I made plans to meet for lunch at Grotto the next day.
I also texted Raina to see if she was aware of the reason Landon and Bianca broke things off. Although it was a rather bleak subject, I was glad to have something else to think about.
*****
“What’s going on with you and your twin?” I asked Bianca.
“How did you know about that? Did she call you?”
“Not exactly,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“She’s staying with us for a few days,” I said.
“Oh.”
“Is that all you have to say?” I asked.
“Sisters don’t always get along, Aria. It’s no big deal,” Bianca said.
We were seated near the window at Grotto. Having already ordered a couple of drinks, we were waiting for our entrées. I smiled at Bianca and let out a sigh. “It’s good to see you, kid sister.”
“Since Lia is crashing at your place, you’ve already ‘seen’ me,” Bianca replied.
“Very funny. So, how are you?”
“I’m good.” She took a sip of lemonade and stared over my head.
“Then why are you looking everywhere but at me?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because of the way you’re looking at me. As if you’re trying to see what’s missing.”
I frowned. “I’m not doing that. I’m concerned.”
“For what? I’m fine.” She glanced at the dessert menu. It seemed more of an attempt to avoid eye contact than to review the list of excessive calories.
“Okay. You’re fine. But you and Lia are anything but. What’s going on there?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. What did she tell you?”
“That you and Landon broke up. What happened?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.” She returned her attention to the menu.
“Okay, then maybe you should tell me why you’re all of a sudden this huge party animal.”
Her eyes shot up. “Is that what Lia told you?”
“Is it true?” I asked.
“No.”
“So, there’s nothing much to anything your sister said. Is that what you’re telling me?”
She dropped the menu and rolled her eyes. “Oh, geez, Aria.”
“Okay, how about you tell me your version of what’s going on.”
Bianca finally spilled the details of her split with Landon. I could tell how much she was hurting. Her new activities were just coping mechanisms. This was her first real relationship, and she was taking its ending pretty badly.
“Would you like a little advice from someone who knows how it feels to hide behind her feelings?”
“I’m not doing that,” Bianca said, looking down at the table.
“That’s exactly what you’re doing. And I promise it will do more harm than good. The best thing to do is face your feelings head on. Maybe you and Landon need to sit down and talk. And if things don’t work out, make peace with that, but do it in a healthier way. Don’t let a man change you into something you’re not.”
“Oh, Aria, you’re overreacting to a few parties.”
“Am I?”
“Yes. I’ll be fine,” she said.
“I recognize what you’re doing. And I know you aren’t fine.”
“Couples break up all the time. You of all people should know that,” Bianca said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked more sharply than I’d intended.
“It’s not supposed to mean anything. I’m simply stating a fact. You and Aiden broke up, what? Two or three times? That I know of anyway,” she said.
Bianca’s reaction to my relationship with Aiden had always been either hot or cold. I’d noticed that shortly after Mom’s funeral. I’d thought I understood, but obviously, there was more to it than I realized.
“Bianca, everyone’s situation—or relationship, rather—won’t follow the path that Aiden and I took. We didn’t exactly have a textbook romance. There were so many extraneous pieces that had to come together for us to be where we are today.”
“That’s an awful nice way of saying that you two had to scratch and fight every step of the way,” she said.
That was it. I’d had enough. “What’s your problem?”
“I don’t want to be like you,” she spit out.
“What do you mean? Am I so horrible?” I asked.
She wouldn’t meet my eyes, her gaze lingering on the food the waiter had placed in front of her.
“Bianca,” I urged.
“Landon wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I didn’t,” she said, finally looking up at me.
“Then why were you making out with different guys?”
“Because I wanted it to get back to him. I knew it was stupid, but I wanted him to think he was the problem, and not me.”
“So, you’re risking your reputation just to make him jealous?” I asked. “What sense does that make?”
“Why do you even care, Aria? It’s not your problem. Just go back to your fantasy world and let me figure this out on my own.”
“I care because you’re my sister and I love you. I’m looking out for you.”
“You never did before,” she accused.
“What’s going on? Where is all of this animosity coming from? If I didn’t know better, I’d think you hated me.”
“I’m sorry, Aria. And I love you. I do. But there are times I resent you. For walking out on us, for not being there when we needed you most, and you end up with this fairytale life. You have a family. Lia and I … we’re just … well, we’re practically orphans.”
“Bianca, haven’t I tried to make amends? Haven’t I included you in every part of my life?”
“Yes, but it somehow feels as if it’s too late.”
I’d prepared myself for an hour of investigative probing, but apparently only after a few questions, she was unloading more than I expected. “What’s brought this on?” I asked.
“It’s always been there. I just didn’t want to be a brat. I knew you felt bad, and I didn’t want to make it worse. And we’d lost Mom, and you were back in our lives, and I was so happy for that. I still am, but it just seems like there’s a gap. One that will always be there … and I spend a lot of time thinking about it.”
Bianca’s revelation caught me off guard. I stared at her, wondering how I could have missed all of this.
She forked her food around on her plate. “I think she would have still been here had you not left us.”
“How could you say that? That’s not fair to me, Bianca. I was just a child myself.”
“Yeah, but you knew enough to get out,” she said. “To not subject yourself to it. To take care of yourself. Lia and I didn’t have that. All we had was a mother we couldn’t understand. One who we didn’t think wanted us around. If it hadn’t been for Mrs. Warner and the other people at the church, I don’t know what would have happened to us. But you didn’t know any of that, did you? You were too busy walking away.”
I was trying to harness the anger I felt building, but she wasn’t making it easy. “You had a hell of a lot more than I did. I had nothing and no one. You have no idea what I’ve been through because of our family. Because of seeing my mother disappear into nothingness.”
“Looks like you have it all together to me, sis.”
“You little bitch. If I were to have sat you down and told you every bit of what I’d gone through—what I’m still going through, you’d take all of that back. Yeah, my life appears to be everything anyone could ever want, but I had to fight every step of the way to get here. And now I’m fighting even harder to hold on to it. So while you’re sitting there throwing your pity party, why don’t you stop pointing fingers and start fighting, too? We all suffered Bianca. All of us.”
*****
I’d left lunch with Bianca rather abruptly. We didn’t finish our talk and now there was even more to iron out with her. But I wasn’t able to do it over lunch. I’d been too enraged by her accusations. If she was being that confrontational with Lia, I could see why she’d run for the hills.
And what was that guilt trip she’d tossed on me about leaving Dayton? Had that stemmed from her true issue? That she was missing our mother? What if I were to tell her that Mom and Dad were alive? Would that make her feel better—or would it make her feel even more cheated? As badly as I wanted to tell her the truth, I knew I couldn’t. For one, she wasn’t mature enough to maintain the information—her outburst today had shown that. And secondly, and most important, it was too much of a risk. I couldn’t do anything that could place a spotlight on our parents. It wasn’t safe.
“Your sister is here to see you.” Andrea’s voice sounded through the intercom.
“Send her in,” I replied. Lia hadn’t said she was stopping by. Had Bianca called her?
My office door opened and in stepped the twin I hadn’t expected.
“I’m very busy, Bianca. I don’t have the time to continue tossing blame around.”
She didn’t move. Instead her eyes welled with tears. “I’m sorry, Aria.”
I exhaled a sigh and stepped around my desk. “Close the door and let’s have a seat.” I passed a glass of water to her and joined her on the small couch. “You really don’t need to apologize. You didn’t say anything I didn’t already know or feel myself. There were times when I wondered how you and Lia had been able to bounce back so quickly after losing Mom, and now I see I was foolish to think you had.”
Tears were streaming down her cheeks. I went to my desk for a tissue, passing it to her. I pulled her into a hug, holding her until she was calm.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean those things.”
“On some level, you probably did. I know I didn’t make the right choices. And as for you not wanting to be like me… there have been many times in my life that I wished I wasn’t me. But you know what? I don’t feel that way anymore. And I’m proud of who I’ve become. I have scars—quite a few of them actually—but each one tells a story. And each one has made me stronger. And I think those scars are what led me to Aiden. I know you don’t really get him at times, and I understand that. But he does something for me that I can’t explain. He sees beyond my scars and my bravado. He sees the little girl who grew up in Dayton. He sees her heart and he enables her to pull that side of herself to the surface. And you know what? Despite it all, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world … to be loved by him.”
“Even now? With the—”
“Yes, even now.”
My mini-speech muted our conversation. I wasn’t sure where all that had come from, but I think I needed to say it just as much as she needed to hear it. I’d been discouraged lately, and articulating my feelings reminded me of why I was still happy that I’d married Aiden.
“I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad,” Bianca said, interrupting our silence.
“You didn’t.”
“Okay. Good. Because I love you, Aria. And I love Aiden. He’s always been so great.”
“But …” I said, urging her to continue.
“I think I kind of resent him a little.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he gets all of you. He gets to have a family with you.”
“Oh, Bianca. You’re part of that family, too.” I grasped her hands, pulling them into mine. “And if I’ve somehow failed to make you feel that way, that’s on me. I didn’t want to push too much. Trust me—I wanted to be a lot deeper in the mix than I was. I was trying to respect the fact that you wanted your freedom. But now I realize, you’re probably like every other teenager. You want both.”
“You’ve been great, Aria. Seriously. Part of this is me and my own crap that I need to deal with. And I feel horrible about what I said earlier. I want you to know I’m proud of your accomplishments. I’m proud to call you my sister. I mean, you’ve done so much on your own. You’re very successful and it’s great that you did all of it without having someone there to spoon feed it to you. I can only hope to be as awesome as you are one day.”
“But earlier you said—”
“I know. I know. I know. But I’m trying to explain that.”
“Okay.”
“You wouldn’t let anyone in,” she said. “Family, friends … men.”
“That was then, Bianca, and when I was doing that, I really thought it was the best for me. Looking back, I know I went about that all wrong.”
“When it came to guys, you gave what you wanted to give,” she said. “And for you, that was your body. But me—I want to give my heart.”
“Is that what you meant earlier when you said you didn’t want to be like me?” I asked.
She nodded. “Yes.”
During one of my missions to connect with my sisters, I’d shared with them some of the details of the years we’d missed together. As soon as I’d told them about my sex life, I’d wished I hadn’t. I immediately regretted it. And now even more so.
“I know how that sounds,” she said.
“Bianca, I may have given you the wrong impression. When I first started the thing with detached sex … it wasn’t something I’d planned. I didn’t know much about guys or relationships, but I knew enough to say I didn’t want either … because of Dad and all.”
“You don’t have to go into any of that,” she said. “I know how much that hurts you. Lia and I were so young when he left; we didn’t have the connection with him that you did.”
I took a deep breath and said, “I’d like to share something with you … about my past.”
Her gaze narrowed. “Okay.”
“It was the start of my junior year at Boston State, and I’d met this guy. And there was this girl, Olivia. She and I had been paired up to give a speech in my communications class. We were in her room one night working on our presentation when her cousin, Brad, stopped by. I’d seen him with her a couple of times and she’d introduced us. We flirted here and there, and that was about it. I really wasn’t interested, because as I’d said, I didn’t want to get caught up with a guy in any capacity. One night, April and I were at this frat party, and Brad was there. We were all drinking, of course, and things got out of control. It was … crazy. Anyway, without getting into all of the particulars … Brad and I ended up in bed.”
“You two …?”
“We had sex. And I woke up the next morning in a strange bed … alone. He was nowhere to be found. So I got dressed and commenced the walk of shame and headed back to my room. I didn’t have Brad’s number or anything, and as far as I knew, he didn’t have mine. A week or so passed before I saw him again, and when I did, it was if he and I had never met, let alone had sex. He was busy trying to get into the next girl’s panties. That was all he wanted … but I guess that’s true of most college guys, right? Anyway, that’s when I realized, or told myself, rather, that men were all about getting what they wanted. The other party didn’t matter, which of course, reminded me of Dad. So that was the day I’d told myself that I could play the game as well as any guy—maybe even better. I’d be the one to call the shots. I’d be the one to skip out while the guy was sleeping. I’d be the one to never ask for a phone number.”
“That’s what you did throughout college?” she asked, her eyes studying me.
I felt as though her gaze was one of judgment. She probably thought I was some unfeeling bitch. And to be honest—at one time, I was. “No. Of course not. After Brad, I decided I didn’t want any distractions. I wanted to complete my degree and start my life, so that’s where my focus remained.”
“I’m sorry you went through that,” she said, with a sympathetic smile. “Guys can be real jerks.”
I thought of Aiden. “True. But that incident with Brad is what helped shape me. Our life experiences shape who we become. And that experience, coupled with Mom and Dad, was enough for me. It led me to become someone I shouldn’t have been, but it also allowed me to better appreciate who I am now.”
She leaned forward, curiosity flickering in her amber eyes. “So, when did the sex come into play?”
“About that … it wasn’t as if I were some whore who fucked every chance I had. It was a once or twice a year thing, and there weren’t many years of that … maybe four or five. I enjoyed sex, but I didn’t want to give it to a man because he wanted it. I wanted to do it because I wanted it. And that’s what I did. I never had unprotected sex, and I never let anyone get closer than a night … until Aiden. From one sister to another, I’ll tell you something else I probably shouldn’t, but here it goes … most of my pleasure for years involved sex toys.”
Her eyes widened. “I didn’t know that.”
“Well, it’s not really a socially acceptable topic of conversation,” I said with a laugh.
“So … Aiden came along,” she said. “What made you change the rules?”
“I didn’t. He made me ignore them, I guess. He was different. He was very confident and commanding. Challenging. He didn’t go for my usual tricks. He flipped the script. I was always scrambling to stay on my toes with him. And he would say things and do things that kept me on guard. And he always went too far with me, and I’d never had that before. It drew me to him. It still does.”
“So he made you …”
“He made me feel vulnerable again. He observed me … much too closely. He took the time to figure me out. And the more I pushed him away, the deeper he probed. He saw what I was doing and why, and he refused to let me continue doing it.”
“So … what are you saying?” she asked.
“Don’t close yourself off to possibilities. I’m not saying you should have sex with Landon. But I think you should have a really serious talk with him.”
She looked down at her fingers twisting in her lap.
“Would you like for me to talk to Landon for you?” I asked.
“No. I don’t need my big sister to talk my ex into getting back with me.”
“So you do want him back, then?”
“Yeah. I guess,” she murmured, with a half-smile.
I gave her a look questioning her lack of enthusiasm.
“Okay, yes. I want him back.”
“Then tell him. Fight for him.”
“I’m not about to chase after him, Aria.”
“I wouldn’t do that either,” I scoffed. “That’s not what I meant. I’m simply saying you need to own up to your feelings and handle this like an adult. Make yourself proud. I’m sure you’re not very proud of your recent behavior.”
She let out a sigh. “You’re right. I’m not, and Lia is pissed at me.”
“Call her,” I urged.
Bianca’s face fell into a frown. “I tried. She won’t answer. I even texted, but nothing.”
“I have a meeting in a few, but come over for dinner tonight. As a matter of fact, pack a bag. Stay overnight. We’ll have a slumber party … the Costanzo sisters.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
“And you and Lia can fix the rift between you. You owe her an apology.”
“I know.”
“Take it from someone who’s lived it,” I said. “You don’t want to break away from what little family you have, especially someone as significant as your twin sister.”
“I’ll make things right. I promise. And Aria?”
“Yes?”
“You’ve always gone by Cason, but just now, you referred to yourself as Costanzo. That’s odd.”
“Not really. It’s who I am. And I don’t feel the need to run from that anymore.”