Lying on my side, I stared blankly out the window, the early morning sun streaming through and bathing me in what most would consider a beautiful day … but not me. Peering through the glass, I only saw the bleakness that I felt.
Moving my hand, I felt a twinge of pain and wondered when they would take the damned IV from my arm. It shouldn’t still be this uncomfortable, unless Nurse Betty inserted it wrong. That wasn’t her name, but I couldn’t recall what it really was. Returning my attention to the window, I wondered if I’d missed any birds. One or two occasionally flew by … I’d counted eleven so far. I wondered if they were all headed to the same destination. Or maybe they were mother birds, each out scouring for food to return to the baby birds awaiting them at home in their nests.
I traced my hand over my empty womb, the tears starting again, falling in endless streams down my cheeks. I’d lost our baby. And now I had to mourn that loss alone. Aiden couldn’t know. He could never know. It would destroy him. He simply wasn’t at a point where he could take this type of news. Things had gone from bad to worse. And the long bouts of lows made me question if there were to be any more highs. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Aiden and I weren’t supposed to be like this if we were meant to be … right?
The drugs must have led me to unconsciousness because when I next opened my eyes, everything was different. The blue and white of the sky had transitioned into a grayish evening awaiting the twinkle of the stars.
“You’re awake,” came Dianna’s voice from behind me.
I turned over as she walked toward the bed.
“I brought you some flowers and a card from Lyric,” she said, passing an envelope to me.
I tried to manage a smile, but I doubted it appeared on my lips. “Thank you.”
She motioned around the room. “And as you can see, you have many other well-wishers.”
I took in the dozens of bouquets placed on nearly every available surface. Aiden … this was one of his signature moves. He knew.
“How are you feeling?” Dianna asked.
“I don’t know. Empty. Sad.”
“It’s going to be okay. Give it some time,” she said.
“I don’t know how it could ever be okay again. So many things are broken now, and I don’t see a way to repair any of them.”
“I know you didn’t want Aiden to know, but as you expected, Scott told him. But he would have found out anyway. It’s been all over the news. Another patient recognized you and was sourced as an eye-witness.”
“Do they really want a story so badly?” I let out a sigh. “Of course they do. They don’t care that this very sad, very private time should remain just that,” I said. “How did Aiden take it?”
A grim-faced Dianna stood over my bed, her lips pursed as she grasped my hand and looked down at me. “Pretty badly.”
I shook my head. “I would have never told him … not about this.”
“It’s admirable that you wanted to protect him. It shows your strength, but he deserved to know. You don’t need secrets between you, and most importantly, he needs to go through this with you.”
“How’s our patient?” Heather asked as she breezed into the room.
“As well as can be expected,” I replied, looking away from Dianna.
“Dr. Grist reviewed your file and your blood count is back up,” Heather said. “You should be able to go home tomorrow.”
Home. What did that even look like? “I don’t understand what happened,” I said. “Why did I lose the baby?”
“It could have been any number of reasons, but basically this was the body’s way of saying it wasn’t ready. I realize this wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but there’s no reason you won’t be able to try again when you’re ready. Actually, studies indicate the sooner a woman conceives after a miscarriage, the better the chances of having a healthy pregnancy.”
I didn’t even want to think about that.
“I ran into your husband outside the door, he’s been here since shortly after you were brought in yesterday. I’m not sure why he wouldn’t come in.”
I looked back to Dianna. She didn’t mention that Aiden was here. Why? And why hadn’t he made his presence known?
Aiden wasn’t ready to face me … and he must have known I wasn’t ready to face him either.
“He asked about your condition,” Heather continued. “But I told him I’d have to obtain your permission first. Do you mind if I share an update with him?”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t mind.” If she’d known Aiden as well as I did, she wouldn’t have bothered to ask that question, because he would have gotten an update regardless of my granting permission.
Once Heather was gone, I looked at Dianna. “Why didn’t you tell me Aiden was here?”
She leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I’m going to let you get some rest. Remember what I said. Don’t shut each other out.”
“Dianna—”
“I have to get back to Lyric. It’s nearly time for dinner and his bath.”
I was glad Lyric had her. With both of his parents out of commission, he needed her now more than ever. I rolled over in bed, facing the window again. Not wanting to think about Aiden, I wondered where those eleven birds had gotten off to.
Minutes later, the door opened and someone was shuffling behind me. I didn’t bother to look. Those nurses were in and out of my room every few hours or so, checking my vitals or bringing in that horrible crap they called food. I wanted to go home, but Dr. Grist had said she wanted me to stay overnight. I didn’t see the point in that. My baby was gone. There was nothing she needed to check on.
“Aria,” came a voice from behind me. It was Aiden.
I hadn’t been in the same room with him in so long that it felt strange. I’d wanted to be near him for weeks, and now here I was, afraid to look at him.
“Are you awake?” he asked when I didn’t answer.
Turning over in bed, I was surprised to see he wasn’t in the wheel chair. He was holding a bouquet of yellow tulips and he was standing. He wasn’t holding onto the bed rails and he didn’t have anyone assisting him. He was actually walking … and with the cane I’d sent him. The one he hadn’t even bothered to acknowledge he’d received. I briefly glimpsed his face before the water in my eyes blurred him from my vision.
I didn’t know what to say and obviously he didn’t either. He just stood there looking down at me. I wiped my tears and stared at him, watching the sadness in his eyes. And then the pit of my despair took over. I started to sob. Aiden’s hand was on my shoulder.
He went for the chair at the foot of the bed and moved it beside me and took a seat.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I just want to go home.”
“That’s why I’m here. I’m staying again tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll take you home.”
“No. I don’t want you there. And I don’t want you to take me. I’ll call Tristan.”
“Aria—”
“Please. Please,” I said, wiping my eyes. “Just honor my request, Aiden.”
After a period of silence he replied. “Okay. Whatever you need.”
I glanced up at him, alarmed by the sheen of tears reflecting in his gaze. And then something inside me snapped. I’d been blaming myself for this loss, but he’d done this. If he hadn’t been so determined to shield me from what he thought was best, to shut me out, this would have never happened. Because of him and his decisions, another child of ours had paid the price. He’d caused this. Not me!
“Can you please go?” Had he let me in or at the very least, not been an ass to me, I wouldn’t have stressed to the point of hurting my body and losing my baby.
“Please don’t ask me to do that. We both lost a child,” he said.
“So now it’s we? When did that happen? Oh, where’s my head? I forgot—you get to decide when we’re together and when we aren’t.”
“I won’t say anything to make matters worse. I won’t,” he said.
I snorted. “Too bad you didn’t have that frame of mind weeks ago. Being around you wouldn’t be good for either of us right now. And I know you know that, so why are you still here?”
“I’ll go. I’ll leave. I won’t argue with you,” he said. “But I’m not leaving the hospital.”
Looking away from his woeful gaze, I rolled to the other side of the bed. A few moments later, the door opened and I was alone again. Curling up into a ball, I tried to hold it all together, all the fragile pieces, but nothing could contain what was going on inside. So I gave into it, feeling every part of me as it broke.
*****
“No!” I screamed awake. “No!”
Wait. It was just a dream. Everything’s fine.
I took in my surroundings. I was in a hospital. It all came rushing back. It wasn’t a dream. I placed my hand on my abdomen. I’d lost my baby. I’d lost my Cadence. “No! No! No!” I screamed over and over into the pillow, my insides aching as the emptiness swallowed me.
Hours later, I was given one final exam by Dr. Grist. She signed the release papers, and I was free to go home. As he’d said, Aiden was still there, sitting outside my door when the discharge staff wheeled me out of the hospital room. For a brief moment, our eyes connected, but then I looked away. I still wasn’t ready. Tristan was waiting at the front entrance, and once I was settled in the car, we moved from the circular drive, headed to a home that didn’t include Cadence.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Raine,” Tristan said once we were in the house.
“Thank you.”
“Do you need me to get you anything?” he asked.
“No, I’m fine. You can actually go home if you’d like. Take a few days off.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Call if you need anything,” he said.
“I will.”
Following the happy noises that drifted to the foyer, I stepped into the kitchen to see Dianna and Lyric. They both had bowls placed in front of them. She’d take a spoonful of food and then coax Lyric into repeating her gesture.
“Look who’s feeding himself,” I said, stepping beside the two of them.
“Ma-ma,” Lyric said, waving the spoon in his hand.
“Yes, it’s your mommy and I’m home,” I said. I wiped his face and lifted him from the high chair. “Thanks for being here for him, Dianna.”
“Where else would I be?”
“Was Aiden here?” I asked, noticing the toy plane on the table beside her bowl.
“Yes. He moved back in yesterday,” Dianna said.
So he’s back at the house? So much for respecting my wishes. He gets to step out whenever he wants and bar me from seeing him. Yet he gets to reinsert himself in my life whenever he wants.
“I’m going to take Lyric upstairs and spend some time with him.”
“Okay. If you need anything, please let me know.”
“I will. Thank you.”
Walking down the hall, I saw Aiden stepping from our bedroom. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I was just leaving. I wanted to make sure everything was comfortable for you,” he said.
Maybe I was wrong to be upset with him, I didn’t know. I knew I didn’t want to be, but I was. “Everything here is fine. Go back to your home because it sure as hell isn’t here.”
“Aria, please,” he whispered, his eyes pleading with mine. “Do you really want me to go?”
“I don’t care what you do,” I said, and stepped past him.
“The doctor said you were nearly three months pregnant,” he said.
I didn’t reply. I turned back to face him, but no words would come. How could they when so many feelings were jumbled up inside me? Each one adding to the violent mix of emotions I couldn’t get a handle on. But there was one … one that I could easily tap into … the one that could deliver the final blow for us. I was afraid of what that meant, of how it would be unleashed. For now, it was sitting idle just beneath the surface. But what would become of us when it manifested itself? Would our relationship be the fatality of the storm brewing inside me?