LUKE
‘Shit! Fuck! No! What?!’
Phoebe was hopping around the room in circles, pulling her pyjama bottoms on and hissing random swear words.
I rubbed my eyes. I couldn’t quite get my head around it. This seemed like way too much to handle at three o’clock in the morning. Though, to be fair, it probably would’ve been too much to handle at any time of the day. The cold, clammy feeling that something very, very bad was happening started to unfurl in my stomach.
‘Fuck . . . Phoebe . . . I’m so sorry. What can we do? What happens now?’
‘I don’t know, Luke,’ she snapped. ‘Funnily enough, this has never happened to me before. I don’t usually just walk around the place with condoms stuck inside me.’
‘OK. Well . . . I’m sure we can figure this out.’
She yanked open the door. ‘OK, great. That’s very reassuring. I’m going to the loo.’ She checked the corridor was empty, and then she was gone. I heard her socks padding quickly along the corridor.
I pulled on my boxers, edged my way out and knocked gently on the toilet door. ‘Phoebe? Is everything OK?’
‘Not really,’ she hissed through the door. I could hear her breathing heavily.
‘What . . . should I do?’
‘Can you go get Frankie and Negin?’
‘Er . . . OK. Will they be up?’
‘I don’t know! Just get them!’
I went to the door I was fairly sure was Negin’s and paused outside it. My phone said it was 3.07 a.m.
I knocked softly, and I heard Negin murmur what sounded like ‘Not dead’. I thought she might be talking in her sleep, until Frankie’s much louder murmur added: ‘Not dead, Phoebs, both not dead. Go away, Phoebs.’
I knocked again and heard them both groan simultaneously. Then there was lots of shuffling, and Frankie’s voice getting progressively louder as she approached the door. ‘I don’t know what the fuck you are doing knocking us up at three in the morning. You should be letting Luke Taylor knock you up. Ooh, Luke, knock me up, you’re so good, Luke, oooh—’
She opened the door and blinked at me. She was wearing a duvet like a toga, and her hair was sticking up all over the place. ‘Luke Taylor. I was literally just talking about you.’
‘Er, yeah, sorry to wake you, Frankie. It’s just Phoebe . . . She needs you. She’s in the toilet.’
She made a face. ‘Is she puking? Can’t you deal with the puke? You are her boyfriend.’
‘Well . . . not technically . . .’
Frankie narrowed her eyes. ‘Not technically puking or not technically boyfriend?’
‘Frankie, can this wait? Phoebe actually, genuinely needs you. Like, now.’
She sighed and swung the door fully open to reveal Negin under another duvet in the bed. ‘Fine. Negin, let’s go. The sisterhood calls.’ Then she turned back to me: ‘So, what’s actually wrong with her?’
PHOEBE
I could hear people talking in the kitchen.
I could smell the toasties they were eating. I couldn’t think properly knowing they were so close. I should have brought my phone. I couldn’t really go back and get it now. I just had to get this over with.
I started speaking to myself in my head, like before A Level exams. Everything is going to be OK. You can do this. I rolled my shoulders back like I was about to start an Olympic sprint. Fuck. The longer you wait the more freaked out you’re going to get.
I took a deep breath and pushed my fingers inside myself. I tried to move them around, but I couldn’t feel anything. I sat back down on the toilet seat and then pulled my bottoms fully off. I put my leg up on the toilet, the same way Flora taught me when I put a tampon in for the first time. I pushed my fingers inside again and for a second I thought I felt it. Every time I tried I felt a bit more nauseous. It was definitely there, I just couldn’t get hold of it. Oh god.
I tried to breathe deeply and then I realized I was rocking back and forth like a lunatic. My face was so boiling. I put my cheek against the cold wall and a hot tear squeezed out. Maybe I should call Mum? Or Flora? Or NHS Direct?
There was a soft knock on the door. ‘Phoebe.’ Negin sounded totally calm. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Phoebs,’ Frankie hissed. ‘Luke told us what happened. Don’t panic. Negin is a doctor.’
‘Negin is not yet a doctor,’ Negin corrected her.
‘I am freaking out,’ I whispered. I sounded crazy. It came out like a wail.
I heard the kitchen door open and people tumble out. I shut my eyes.
There was a wallop on the door, and I heard Negin say: ‘Phoebe’s in there.’ Then Connor bellowed: ‘Phoebs, you chunder legend! I had a tactical chunder earlier and carried on.’
I heard him and the others bundling off down the corridor, and then slamming their doors. As I opened the toilet door, I realized I was actually crying. ‘I don’t want to go to hospital.’
Frankie was holding a toastie and Negin was wearing her fleece pyjamas. They hugged me, and we walked quickly across the hall to Negin’s room.
‘Where’s Luke?’ I whispered.
‘In your room,’ Negin said. ‘I told him we would get him when you wanted him.’
‘When you no longer had his condom womping around up your cavities.’ Frankie took a bite of toastie and Negin gave her a look. ‘Sorry.’ She reached over and held my hand. ‘It’s gonna be OK.’
‘Have you tried to get it out?’ Negin said gently.
‘Yes, I’ve been trying for, like, ten minutes.’
Frankie yanked her hand out of mine. ‘You’ve just put your minge juice on me.’
‘I’ve washed my hands, obviously.’
‘There will still be minge juice traces. I don’t even want to eat this toastie now. Cheese and marmite and minge.’ She took a bite of the toastie and then threw it in the bin. ‘I suppose people eat minge juice all the time, but still . . .’
‘What am I going to do?’ I put my hands over my face.
‘Have you googled it?’ Negin pulled her phone out of its charger. ‘You google it, too,’ she barked at Frankie.
‘My phone is the kitchen,’ she said, and walked out.
‘It will be fine, I promise.’ Negin’s voice was really calm and comforting. ‘It’s in Google predict. So it obviously, you know . . . happens.’
Frankie came back in holding a jam sandwich and her phone. We all sat on the bed in silence while they googled.
‘Mate, have you really like . . . got in there and tried?’ Frankie said. ‘Cos people on here seem to think you can definitely get in there.’
‘People on where?’
‘The internet. Cosmopolitan.’
‘I don’t know if that is . . . reputable.’ Negin was scrolling down her phone. ‘But I can’t find it on the NHS website.’
‘There are loads of Yahoo answers.’ Frankie shook her head. ‘Mate, some of these people . . . I get why people ask the questions but who goes around answering them? Smileyturtle underscore happydayz, with a z, says: “Dude, sex before marriage is against God.” He’s written it in capitals: “AGAINST GOD.”’
‘Why do you think it’s not on the NHS?’ I looked at Negin.
‘Because maybe it’s too . . . impolite.’
‘I actually love Luke Taylor.’ Frankie flopped back on to the duvet. ‘His little face was so confused. He looked like a newborn otter. What is going on with you and Luke Taylor anyway?’
‘Frankie, there is a condom lodged in her vagina,’ Negin said. ‘This is not the time for relationship analysis.’
Frankie sighed melodramatically: ‘Luke Taylor’s so dreamy, he got a condom lodged in my vagina.’
‘Is that supposed to be my voice?’ I said. ‘I’m not Welsh.’
‘What kind of moves was LT pulling, then, eh?’ Frankie took a bite of her jam sandwich and thrust her crotch forward.
I started laughing, and then I literally couldn’t stop. I really hoped that Luke couldn’t hear across the hall.
‘Just a friendly reminder that you still have a condom stuck in you.’ Negin flicked my cheek with her finger. ‘Are you still drunk?’
‘No,’ I gasped. ‘I think I’m in medical shock and now it’s making me hysterical.’
Frankie leapt up. ‘Have you tried jumping up and down to make it fall out?’
She started jumping and the whole room began to shake. I stood up and jumped in the air a couple of times.
‘Anything going on down there?’ Frankie asked, as she came to a stop.
‘No. What am I going to do? I literally have no idea what to do.’
‘I know what to do.’ Frankie grabbed her phone.
‘Are you calling an ambulance?’ Negin wrinkled her brow. ‘Because this is not an emergency situation.’
‘It fucking is,’ Frankie said.
‘I don’t need an ambulance,’ I shouted.
‘Mummy,’ Frankie barked into the phone. ‘Mummy, wake up, I need you. It’s an emergency.’
There was no sound at all at the other end. ‘Mummy?’ Frankie said again. She put her phone on speaker.
‘Sorry, darling,’ the voice crackled. ‘I’ve come into the conservatory and shut the door. Are you OK, Francesca?’ Frankie’s mum sounded like a radio announcer from the war.
‘Basically, Mummy, in a nutshell, you know Phoebs, well, basically she had sex with this boy Luke Taylor . . .’
‘Oh, well done, Phoebe,’ her mum interrupted, cheerfully. ‘Yummy Luke from school.’
‘Are you joking?’ I mouthed at Frankie, but she held up a hand to stop me.
‘Anyway, Mummy, they had the sex, and now the condom is stuck up her fanny.’
‘Oh Christ,’ Frankie’s mum sighed. ‘Is she there with you?’
I nodded.
‘She is, Mummy, but she’s too embarrassed to speak. She’s just nodding.’
‘It’s not embarrassing at all, Phoebe, darling,’ Frankie’s mum’s boomed. ‘I have seen all sorts of things up there in my time. Even a bottle of Tippex.’
‘Mummy is a nurse, remember.’ Frankie frowned. ‘She doesn’t just look up people’s fannies for jokes.’
‘Do we need to go to A&E?’ Negin mouthed at her.
‘Do we need to go to hospital, Mummy?’
‘I shouldn’t think so,’ the voice crackled. ‘If you keep calm I can tell you what to do. Wash your hands, Frankie, darling. You’re going to have to try and get it out.’
Frankie recoiled. ‘Mummy, that is absolutely gross. I am not putting my hand up her minge.’ She looked at Negin. ‘Can’t you do it? You want to be a doctor.’
‘Darling, it’s going to be absolutely fine. Phoebe, lie down and put a cushion underneath your bottom. Frankie, try and find a light and go and wash your hands.’
There was a frantic little silence where I moved Negin’s toy elephant off the pillow and lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Just as I was plucking up the courage to speak to Frankie’s mum, Frankie hoved back into view above me wearing some sort of miner’s torch on her head.
‘See, I’m using my gap-year kit, Mummy. I’ve got the head torch on.’
‘Oh, darling, well done,’ the impossibly posh voice chimed. ‘You just need to approach this rationally. It’s probably got stuck on the side, near the top, OK?’
I couldn’t see Negin’s or Frankie’s faces and they’d gone completely quiet.
‘Mate, you’re going to have to crack out your minge,’ Frankie told me. ‘We can’t do it through your Minnie Mouse pyjamas.’
I wriggled out of my PJs. Frankie whistled. ‘Very neat. Perfectly trimmed lawn you’ve got there. You clearly knew Mr Taylor was going to be—’
‘Frankie.’ Frankie’s mum and Negin said it at the exact same time.
‘This is literally the worst thing that’s ever happened,’ I groaned.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Phoebe,’ the posh voice tutted. ‘There are people in camps in Syria.’
‘Oh god . . .’
‘Phoebe, just relax, she won’t be able to do it unless you are relaxed.’
‘Just imagine I’m Luke,’ Frankie cooed.
‘Shut up.’
‘Mummy, I can’t see anything, even with the torch,’ she whined.
‘You need to get closer and really look. Then just slide your finger in and do a sweep.’
‘What the fuck are you talking about, Mummy? Phoebs, I can’t do this, we’ll have to go to hospital.’
‘Let me look.’ Negin sounded almost angry. ‘Don’t speak for a second, Frankie.’
I flinched as her fingers went inside me and I felt it being pulled out.
‘Negin, you fucking legend!’ Frankie shouted it so loudly it must have woken the entire block.
I stood up and we all stared at the shrivelled condom lying on Negin’s navy blue sheet.
‘It’s a boy!’ Frankie shouted. And Negin laughed harder than I had literally ever seen her laugh. Even Frankie’s mum was laughing on the phone.
‘Mission accomplished.’ Frankie grinned, and then threw her arms around me.